Quote of the Day
George Clooney has been spending time in the Sudan trying to help the people free themselves from their government, so naturally some think that he might have political asspirations (an ass always stays, as does that typo). But the Norma Rae of the Sudan isn't trying to become president of anything. Unless there's a position available as president of bong water. George tells Newsweek (via HuffPo):
"I didn't live my life in the right way for politics, you know. I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that's the truth. (A savvy political figure) would start from the beginning by saying, 'I did it all. I drank the bong water. Now let's talk about issues.' That's gonna be my campaign slogan: 'I drank the bong water.' "
George has humped on a lot of baby chickens and has filled his body with enough mind-altering substances to keep Charlie Sheen occupied for about 10 minutes. Right? That's pretty much what every politician writes under the "extracurricular activities" section of their resume. George and I must be watching a different channel, because he's perfect for the job. Sign him up!
Thanks to George Takei, I now have a lube covered image of him raising a brow and shimmying his ass in his desk chair every time someone #FFs him on Twitter. I don't know if Sulu is relieved or sad to learn that #FF stands for "follow Friday" instead of "fist fuck."
Because if I thought it meant the latter, I wouldn't ever want to be corrected. Because it would be nice knowing that some people still want to venture into a place that not even my doctor will go without putting on a Hazmat suit and telling his family that he loves them.
Sometimes the thoughts of a crackhead take a while to show up to the launching pad in their brains, which is why Charlie Sheen once again called into The Dan Patrick Show to continue their conversation from yesterday. Charlie had more to say. Charlie swears on his rubber vagina collection that he's never been boozed or high at work. This is a little disturbing to learn since I was under the impression that the only way any of those actors are able to do Two and a Half Men is because they're drunk and high the entire time. The kid included. But I digress.
Since Charlie is a 2-week graduate of his own at-home rehab facility, he felt confident enough to offer some advice to fellow wreck Lindsay Lohan:
"I have some things I think she should consider, cause I don't tell anybody what to do. Work on your impulse control ... just try and think things through a little bit before you do them."
Charlie Sheen should've followed his own advice when Dan Patrick asked him to give some advice to Lindsay Lohan. The fuck. But really, now that we've gotten that shit out of the way, can Dan Patrick please ask Justin Bieber to offer some advice to Kim Jong-il.
via ABC News
For those of you who found this post by Googling "Kangaroo Pig Sex", I apologize that I'm not going to give you what your sick ass wants. But I will give you this picture of Vanilla Ice with Bucky Buckaroo, which might have the same effect. Vanilla, who is currently starring in Dancing on Ice in the UK, tells Metro about the kangaroo pig dry fuck party going on in his backyard.
Bucky Buckaroo. He’s a great guy. I’ve had him since he was a baby and now he’s 5ft 10in. He’s spoiled rotten – he has his own enclosure and a female pot-bellied pig in there who is his lover. Kangaroos will hump anything. I think the pig likes it. There’s also a goat in there who he grew up with but they’re just friends.
Kangaroos will hump anything? Why the hell did Mel Gibson leave Australia then?
And I feel totally ripped off that I watched every episode of Vanilla's show on the DIY Network and not ONCE did he build a kangaroo pig sex sty in the backyard. The fuck is wrong with him?
So much for Slash playing Puck's mom (or Coach Beiste's lover) on Glee, because he wants nothing to do with that honey-glazed glitter show. Slash tells Entertainment Weekly (via Rolling Stone & Jezebel):
"Glee is worse than Grease and Grease is bad enough. I look at Grease now and think, 'Between High School Musical and Glee, Grease was a work of art.'"
Okay, okay, but "Grease is bad enough"? Slash is really going to sit there and act like he didn't wrap himself around John Travolta's lubed-up pompadour curl after taking a hit of whatever while watching Grease. Slash must be talking about a different kind of Grease.
P.S. - Does that shirt come in a sleeveless crop top version, because I need one in my life.
And even though this has nothing to do with Taylor Swift, I'm sure she's still crying on top of pink lined notebook paper while writing Innocent: The Sequel. Expect it to debut at #1 the same week Kanye's next single comes out. Damn.
At the Palm Springs International Film Festival this past weekend, Marky Mark took the stage, stared at the trophy, and immediately hallowed it out with a steak knife so that he could smoke palm tree leaves out of it, or something. No, he didn't do that, but maybe he thought about it. Marky told the audience that his days of packing bowls are long over after his daughter asked him what that funny smell was.
"But I don't use those anymore. I stopped smoking weed for my kids. One day, we were driving and you could smell it from somewhere. My daughter asked what the smell was so I told her it was a skunk. Then she said, 'Sometimes Daddy smells like that!' to me and my wife. So I knew I had quit."
Or Marky could've explained to her that the stuff daddy smokes to deal with all her non-stop questions makes him smell like that. Kids and their questions. Like they're always hosting the Weakest Link. But I do appreciate Marky's answer. When his daughter smells weed smoke at a party for the first time, she's going to scream "SKUUUUUNK!!!!!" before running off to take a bath in V8.
via E! Online
Somewhere Jennifer Love Hewitt is biting off pieces of raw Crescent Roll dough while stroking the "This Generation's Audrey Hepburn: Jennifer Love Hewitt" certificate she made herself, because Jakey Gyllenhaal called Natalie Portman the true reincarnation of Audrey Hepburn. Or some mess like this. Jakey pursed his precious lips and said this at the Palm Springs International Film Festival this past weekend:
"Natalie is the Audrey Hepburn of our generation. She is elegant, graceful, has amazing eyebrows ... is talented, really short, funny, smart, dedicated, incredibly kind. She's a vegan, which makes it really frustrating when you're picking a place to eat. She's also recently announced that she's going to be a mom, and her child will probably need therapy after seeing Black Swan."
"Has amazing eyebrows...."? Jakey is a fellow eyebrow aficionado whose lash tips tingle at the sight of a perfectly executed arch? If Mah Boo doesn't devote an entire show to the history of the cholita brow, I'm going to rename my boyfriend pillow "Jakey." But back to the mess at hand....
Jakey needs to stop! Natalie Portman is not the Audrey Hepburn of our anything. Jake is more of a modern day Audrey than Natalie's ass is! Don't believe me? Picture Natalie gliding down a flight of stairs with chiffon blowing behind her the way she did in Funny Face. Now let's see Jakey do the same thing:
Pull out your umbrellas and brace yourselves for the thousands of dead birds that will fall from the sky after dying of shock from learning that Johnny Weir is pretty much gay. After refusing to discuss his sexuality for years, the graceful golden swan of the frozen lake confesses in his new memoir that when it comes to sex, he prefers the peen. But then Johnny says that he's completely open to marrying a woman. I see what you did there, Johnny. If you're trying to get closer to Liza with a Z, it's definitely working. Why didn't I think of that?
Calvin Tran, the villainess on The Fashion Show who stole my heart and then whipped it into a bedazzled clutch, already gave us a quote that I'm going to cross stitch on a sofa pillow as soon as I learn how to cross stitch. And at the end of last night's episode, he delivered again. After almost every contestant turned on him in front of the judges, Calvin promised REVENGE with these threatening words:
"Cesar deny me on stage. Dominique, stabbing me in the back. Jeffrey kick the crap out of me. Oh, now the new ballgame has just drop-it. So I'm coming back, and just like eh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
Yeah, Cesar and Dominique, so watch out, because Cesar is coming back with a new ballgame to drop on you. Or something like that. You know what Calvin means!