Quote of the Day

If you would rather scream out Prince Charles' name during tampon sex than talk about who's going to design Kate Middleton's royal wedding garter belt, then have a seat next to Morrissey, because nobody's more over it than he is. Methinks the BBC Radio 5 knew this which is why they asked him if he's going to clutch at his bosom when Prince William gives Kate Middleton (or Kate Muddleton as Moz calls her) a "just married" lick in front of billions of people.

"Why would I watch the wedding? Why would I watch it? I couldn't take any of that seriously. I don't think the so-called Royal family speak for England now, and I don't think England needs them. I do seriously believe that they are benefit scroungers, nothing else. I don't believe they serve any purpose whatsoever.

I'm not an anarchist, but I believe that people don't want the Royal family -- the so-called Royal family. They're not royal to me, but they're royal to the media for some reason.

The press reports from Buckingham tell you that people love them, but go out and speak to people on the streets and they will laugh at you. They really will."

Why didn't BBC radio put a camera on his face before they asked him that question? The look he gave probably would've made the Queen herself scurry under a priest's gown. Get those welfare whores (except Prince Hot Ginge), Moz! You just know that while Morrissey is punching out a sequel to The Queen is Dead he's going to peek at the TV with one eye to see what kind of chiffon meringue mess Kate has on her body. I won't tell.

Because "My Humps" just doesn't come close to the lyrical poetry in "I Gotta Feeling," The Black Eyed Peas are putting it to sleep temporarily and will no longer perform it live. Will.i.cant tells MTV News that you won't be seeing Fergie sing live about her lumps and shit anymore.

“For a while, [we did] ‘My Humps’ and then it got to the point where we didn’t want to play ‘My Humps’ no more. You know, ’cause ‘I met a girl down at the disco,’ I just didn’t want to say that no more, lyrically.

It wasn’t like my best lyrically, but it was fun.”

The international nightmare called BEP that we thought would be around as long as half-time shows and Pepsi commercials exist is showing signs of weakening! The sooner they disintegrate into robot dust, the sooner Fergie can go back to making REAL music. You know, like the kind she made with Wild Orchid.

Fishsticks Paltrow is EVERYWHERE whoring out her cookbook like the bill from her exclusive organic herbalist is due tomorrow and so she's giving interviews to anybody who will stick a recording device under her mouth (Pre-approved by her people, of course. Fishy cares about where her spit lands.). Fishy exchanged words with Self Magazine and they talked about what she puts in her mouth (fried clams, red wine, duck sausage, the distilled tears of the maids she scolds for washing their hands in the guest powder room instead of the servants sink in the cellar), how much she works out during the week (90 minutes a day, 5 times a week) and how her trainer Tracy "Batwinginator" Anderson is solving the problem that is her SpongeBob ass. Yeah, this is the mess that came out of Fishy's mouth when Self asked her about her challenge areas:

"My butt! My butt, butt, butt. When Tracy met me, she said that I had a long, square butt that she was going to redesign, and I was, like, "Yeah? Good luck." The amazing thing is, she was right! And it's still changing!"

Redesign?! Okay, now I watch a lot of DIY Network (because men in tight t-shirts talking about wood and calk speaks to me in a special way) and I know that during a remodel you can't remove a load bearing pillar. You just can't. And Fishy's got a major load bearing pillar shoved so far up her culo that if she opened her mouth really wide you could see the top of it. It's not going anywhere, so she should just embrace her flat, square, long ass. It's a beautiful thing. The kids can even roll out dough on it for pizza that will go into the fancy oven in their garden. It's fun for the whole family.

In an interview with Red magazine to promote her bottle of cat hairs and scented lonely tears, Jennifer Aniston said that she's her own best friend (too. easy.), doesn't really enjoy dating (too. easy. the sequel.) and would choose love over her career. Same Forever Aloneiston shit, different magazine. But the interviewer did tell her that since both her and George Clooney are constantly being pressured by the media to get married and birth babies, they should get together. YES! Brad Pitt can be the best man and Maddox can ruin the wedding by locking the flower girl in the janitor closet and taking her place. He'll throw the polyester guts of Jennifer's favorite Cabbage Patch doll children instead of rose petals. This is a brilliant idea. Jennifer agrees:

"That would definitely shut up the world! I could call up George, say, 'Hon, let’s just get hitched and have kids...' I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this... Ha! Well... No."

Jennifer Aniston always getting labeled as "the miserable sadling who comes to Thanksgiving dinner by herself and always asks if she could fix a plate to take home to her dog" is great for business. SAD ALONE JEN sells magazines. And Aniston knows this so she plays it up.

And on a totally different note, the interviewer who brought up the George Clooney thing is probably wondering why somebody sent them an empty envelope in the mail. That envelope wasn't empty. It contained the spit and queef of George Clooney's girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis. Consider that a warning from Elisabetta.

via Popsugar

International treasure Betty White is not the one who will dry Lindsay Lohan's fake tanner tears over a slice of cheesecake at a round table in the kitchen and she's definitely not drinking or even sipping tiger blood. Betty White continued to add to the neverending list of reasons to love her when she gave her thoughts about Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen to the Daily Mail of all mails. Basically, Betty thinks that LiLo and Charlie need to do ass-to-ass with a giant double-sided dildo made of gratefulness. Tell that shit like it is, Betty!

"They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don’t appreciate it."

Of course, LiLo had something to say to this to E! News, "I've always been a fan of hers. It's just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman."

Why the hell did LiLo even waste a breath she could've used to puff on a Red? Betty White is right. End of story. Shut those silicone anal glands on your mouth and take it. Betty White is saying what Charlie's and LiLo's family should've said a long ass time ago. If only Betty could stick her fist up White Oprah's ass and do the talking for that delusional crazy from now on.

I used to think that January Jones had the personality of a plain yogurt container that melted halfway in the microwave after someone tried to make instant oatmeal in it, but I was wrong! January Jones does have a personality and 95% of it is: stuck-up bitch. And I love it! I love an ice cold cunt queen who only lowers his or her eyes to look you down.

When Marie Claire UK asked January about the rumor that she only became a model to prove to the bitches in high school that she's pretty, January threw a "judging you" gaze and let out this gem:

"Where are you getting this shit? It sounds like something I might have said when I was, like, 15. The bitches in high school were bitches because I was pretty.”

That is such a bitchy girl thing to say! Pretty sure the bitchy girls hated January because she was a bitch. I don't know why January doesn't want to say that. I'd much rather be bitchy than pretty (and I am!). Beauty fades, but bitchiness gets better with age!

LeAnn Rimes lives in a Fantastica world where all she sees through the slivers over her eyeballs are sparkly rainbows, glittery hearts and Eddie Cibrian staring at her longingly (in between side-eyeing another trick), so the two never EVER ever fight. But if hell (or the Westborbo Baptist Church, whichever comes first) freezes over and they do fight, LeAnn has the solution to all their problems. LeAnn Tweeted this last night:

A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I'm gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens
11:15 PM Mar 28th via web

The next time they do fight, it will be because LeAnn will catch Eddie naked and boning a side ho on the couch, so they'll be halfway there! But LeAnn really is a damn genius. If I was in the middle of arguing with LeAnn and she got nekkid ass nekkid, I'd stop, pivot, walk out the door and go to the nearest church to dip my eyes in a holy water fountain. That would automatically disqualify me and she'd win! LeAnn is definitely on to something.

via UsWeekly

Reese Witherspoon made the WRONG decision. That dumb dumb married that Jim Toth dude when she could've stayed with a man who loves nothing more than to play Wii tennis while bouncing his knees and flicking his wrists to "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE CHOICES, Reese, while reading what you could've witnessed every single night. Make her weep, Jake:

“I don’t do karaoke or play Rock Band or Guitar Hero but I do play a little Wii Tennis while listening to Whitney Houston. I can’t play Wii Tennis without listening to Whitney Houston actually. I might mention that to Duncan (Source Code director Duncan Jones) as an idea for a movie because that’s right up our alley! I really just do it for myself. It’s just an incredible thing to exercise but for it to become like a meditative thing rather than just working out is amazing and that’s how it is for me.”

Jakey and I have something in common. I too like to pretend I'm handling white balls in the middle of my living room while listening to "Heartbreak Hotel" (the Crack is Whack remix) at full blast. And yeah, I totally call it meditative exercise too.

Let's start off this day right with a dollop of freshly whipped cuntness straight out of the talking bowl on Jason Patric's face. This is also a sprinkling of randomness that has been crystallizing since 2003. Jason is currently starring on Broadway in That Champion Season and the last time the lush mop of hunk fur on his chest got time under the spotlight was in A Streetcar Named Desire Cat on a Hot Tin Roof co-starring Ashley Judd. Julia Roberts' old jump-off used a few choice words to describe Ashley. Basically, Ashley sat on that bed the whole time, wouldn't let anybody else sit on it and thought she was the only good enough to touch it. Jason ran his tongue through a knife sharpener and then said this to Entertainment Weekly:

"She's lazy, selfish and arrogant."

Well, if Jason is right about the "lazy" part then his quote is really helping Ashley out. The next time someone asks Ashley for three words she'd use to describe herself, she doesn't even have to lift one brain cell off of its velvet chaise to come up with an answer. Jason has already given her the words! Ashley should really send him a bouquet of blooming anuses as a thank you, but I know that she's way too lazy to lift a finger to call.

via Village Voice

Frank DeCaro of Sirius XM's OutQ radio asked legendary icon and alleged age trimmer Charo what she thinks about Lady Gaga, and let's just say that she won't be doing her own version of Born This Way called Cuchi This Way anytime soon.

"What I don't like is when somebody copies somebody and just adopts it like their own idea. You want me, I go a little further. I can tell you, to me, Lady Gaga is Madonna with diarrhea!"

Now I know that the tip of Charo's nose is as sharp as a prison shank, but who knew that she actually uses it? Charo straight-up stabbed one of those prosthetic thumbs on Lady Gaga's shoulder by saying that she should change her stage name to Madookie. More of this, Charo!

via Examiner (Thanks Walter)