Quote of the Day
The men of New Jersey will have to go somewhere else for their lunchtime blow jobs, because Danielle Staub of the Real Housewives of New Jersey is done with sex for now. The recession claims another small business! The Virgin Prostitution Whore said:
“I’m abstinent now. I realized that with abstinence, if you really, really believe in yourself like I do, you discover your own self-worth. Abstinence means you refrain from any sex — thinking about it, doing it — even to yourself! I’m a born-again virgin. I am saving myself for marriage. I didn’t do it the first two times but I learned from my mistakes. So now, it’s okay to wait. Marriage is a goal of mine but not because I need it, but because I want it. It’s a big difference. I will never find him, he’ll find me. I think the right one will see me. I want old-fashioned courting. It’s going to happen. Have you seen me?”
Shauna Sand tells Paper Magazine how she makes walking on exquisite lucite heels look like she's floating on the whisper of an angel:
"I've been walking in them for so long. I was a ballerina, so my balance is amazing and I'm used to being on my toes in point shoes. But I also think my stilettos are quite deceiving because they're so comfortable. I have three daughters, who are almost nine, 10 and 12 and even when my kids were like, two, they were able to walk in the stilettos. They're really not that high because they have a platform so once you get used to them, they're so easy to walk in. [Wearing stilettos] is like exercising without exercising. When you wear them, you're actually working your legs and your butt and you can get beautiful muscle definition...... I love them. I can't walk barefoot. I'll walk barefoot in the sand on the beach, but if the sand is too hot, I'll have my stilettos on."
Khloe Kardashian to Rachael Ray on how Kourtney plans to breastfeed her kid during kindergarten snack time:
"Kourtney was like, 'I'm so excited. I don't have to cook for five years! And I go, 'What do you mean?' She's like, 'I'm gonna breast feed.' I go, 'For five years?' She has, like, no idea!"
Here's the second trailer for MTV's upcoming masterpiece Jersey Shore (aka The Douchebag Diaries), and December 3rd can't come soon enough. Not only are the stars of this shit built like Greek Gods (after being doused in colonic fluid and filled with Silly Putty), but they are true poets. Below are the top 6 quotes from the trailer that will make your brain tingle and your soul go weak. Okay, these are all the quotes from the trailer. They are that poetic.
"There's no way I'm going to Jersey without my mangel."
"I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their head off."
"My abs are so ripped up it's called 'the situation.'"
"You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, without his shirt off?"
"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby"
"I'm a bartender. I do, you know, great things."
Megan Fox totally has some competition.
While hawking out her new perfume called "Vintage," Kate Moss was asked by WWD what one of her mottos is. Kate replied:
"There are loads. There's 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.' That's one of them."
Why does this trick sound like my mother when I'm about to bite into a delicious glazed donut? Buzz killer.
Obviously, Kate has never eaten anything off the menu from Claim Jumper, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, Chili's, Marie Callender's, Applebees, Coco's, Wafflehouse, Cracker Barrel, El Torito, Old Spaghetti Factory, Panda Express, any State Fair or (insert the name of every restaurant who has fried anything on the menu).
Tracy Morgan tells Playboy why he likes to kiss the no-no with his peen:
"I like fucking ass! Ain’t nothin’ like the butthole. The ass is a delicacy, goddamn it. I’d put hot sauce on it. When you eat the brown hole, that’s when her toes do this. [sticks legs out and curls toes] You got to be willing to do anything to please your woman, to satisfy her. I didn’t invent it. You think I was the first one to think of having anal sex with a girl? Hell, no. I’m quite sure Adam fucked Eve in the ass. In the Garden of Eden he tore her ass up, and she was screaming like a motherfucker."
The dudes out there should know that pouring hot sauce on the ass is probably not the best idea unless you're totally okay with seeing your dick on the opposite side of the room.....unattached from your body. However, if you're fucking me with me, go ahead and throw all the condiments on it. Do what you gotta do.
Since it's Tommy Girl Day (aka Alien Queef Day) on Dlisted, here's a hilarious quote from UsWeekly. At a Scientology event in England last week, Tommy got all huffy over protesters outside of the venue. Tommy reportedly told a friend:
"They're squirrels. Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!"
Tommy Girl getting angry makes all of laugh. Even the squirrels! Speaking of, in Scientology jargon, a "squirrel" is a bad bad traitor. Specifically, a bad traitor who changes the techniques of Scientology. So Tommy really BURNED them. You go, girl!
And Katie Holmes probably wishes her squirrel was stuck in an "electronic incident," because it probably hasn't creamed since 2006.
(Image VIA ICHC)
As a bitchy gay brother myself, I know that it's in my job description to kindly take my sister to the side and fix her whenever she's looking busted. If I don't tell her she looks all kinds of wrong, who will? So when I read Christopher Ciccone's cunty comments about the way his sister looked at the VMAs, I didn't really think he was being mean-spirited. Since Vadge crushes her cell phone with her bare hands whenever he calls, he had no choice but to give his critique to E! News. Christopher is speaking from the bottom of his famewhoring heart.
This is what Chris said:
"She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don't keep. It's painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him."
While both Vadge and Chupa bathe in virgin's blood weekly, I don't see the resemblance at all.
But wait, let's compare a picture of Vadge with a picture of Chupa without her make-up on:
Okay, Christopher might have a point.
But seriously, methinks Christopher is just a tad bit jealous that Vadge has enough hair to BUMP her way to fabulousness with. Oh, Christopher, I'm sure you have enough hair down there. BUMP your pube bush!
Heidi Montag on who she looks up to:
"I grew up watching Britney Spears. That’s someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise. I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I’m ready to be the next pop galaxy, so here we go.”
In the words of Heidi's long-lost, prettier twin sister Chrissy Crocker: "LEEEEEEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOONE!!!"
And what in the name of Spencer Pratt's butt tampon is she talking about? Heidi should inspire (we're speaking her language) to have at least one working brain cell before she goes off making such big plans.
VIA Access Hollywood