Quote of the Day

Let's all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller's Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men's Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he's a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

"Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn't have done Ferris Bueller's Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it's part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he'd be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors."

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart's head on Vin Diesel's body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It's Hollywood. It's the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, "It's make believe!"

And here's the dude we'll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

If you've ever wanted to go to the Met Gala, you're crazy. But if you're going to go, go next year, because it's going to be GOOP-free! Goopy Paltrow told USA Today in so many words that she'd rather smoke non-organic crack out of a Dollar Tree crack pipe while giving herself a Mountain Dew enema on a pile of t-shirts from The Gap than go to the Met Gala again. Goopy barfed out this crap nugget:

"I'm never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all."

Since I write about Goopy nearly every second of the damn day, I practically speak fluent GOOP. What she's really saying is, "I'm totally going next year, because that low-rent event needs me and I can write it off as charity. It was so bougie. The bougie sweat so much and I refused to breathe, because I didn't want to inhale their nasty bougie sweat fumes! There was so much trash there too! For a second I thought they invited my weekend maid, but then she told me her name was Minka Kelly and that's not my weekend maid's name. The only time I enjoyed myself was when my sister from another mister, Beyonce, and I sat on this abandoned, lumpy sofa and made fun of all the poors in off-the-rack dresses."

Drew Barrymore went on Eric Ripert's YouTube cooking show "On The Table" to hawk her brand of pinot grigio and to also spill out her dumb thoughts on crap. While making Clams Montecito (that should be a drag name, not a recipe), Eric asked Drew if she ever gets moody on movie sets or wherever. Drew said that of course she gets moody! She has a vagina doesn't she? Drew says that women are just naturally moody bitches and any time a woman puts a mood ring on her finger it explodes, because it can't keep up with all her moody moods! Men folk should just gather all the women up, throw them in a giant room with a pool full of ice cream soup and a copy of The Notebook and let them get all moody on each other (I think I just described Jennifer Love Hewitt's Saturday night). Drew said:

"I think I'm moody because I'm a woman. I can ask any man in this room -- like women are just inherently like, moody or hormonal people. I don't know how men deal with it. I praise them."

I grew up in a house full of women, so now you know why I'm gay. Seriously, Drew was obviously just being moody when she said that all women are moody and you're being moody if you're yelling at moody Drew for saying that all women are moody. You're all moody!

But I'm not being moody (since my one and only mood is: bitchy) when I say, shut the fuck up, Drew!

And jump to the 9:57 mark if you want to see moody Drew talk about moody women:

via ZAP2it

Tom Brokaw won't be getting drunk at the White House Correspondents' Dinner tomorrow night with the stars of Duck Dynasty, Nicole Kidman, Gerard Butler and Psy, because he'd rather get drunk in a 7-Eleven parking lot with a bunch of high school juniors after prom. Tom tells Politico that the White House Correspondents' Dinner used to be fun and interesting and over the years it has turned into a steaming trash pile of drunken messiness and fame whores. Tom doesn't show his face there anymore, but he watches on CSPAN and says that the dinner really jumped ten sharks in a row when Lindsay Lohan was invited by Greta Van Susteren.

"There was more dignity at my daughter's junior prom than there is what I'm seeing on CSPAN here. Then we got to the point where everybody had to bring in whatever Page 6 celebrity happened to be around. For me the breaking point was Lindsay Lohan. She became the big star at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Give me a break."

Tom Brokaw is probably going to get a call really early in the morning and it'll be from a drunken, grunting mess who sounds like her throat is lined in sand paper and she'll slur out a tossed salad of incoherent sentences. It'll just be White Oprah calling to threaten him with a lawsuit for ruining the pristine image of her daughter. Tom should just hang up and go back to bed, because White Oprah will forget she called him when she wakes up in the afternoon with her head hanging over the toilet.

Seen above saying "My foot will go in here any second now!," Matt Lauer hosted an UJA-Federation of New York on Tuesday night and used some of his time on stage to slap at himself a little bit.

One hundred Americans were recently asked (no, they weren't) if they would rather get a yeast infection while prolapsing at the same time or spend a minute with Matt Lauer, and all of them screamed, "I'll take the yeast!" Matt Lauer knows this, so he let everybody know that he knows they hate him.

“[I was] a bit surprised to be asked to host this dinner. If you’ve been following the papers lately, you know it’s been a bit rough for me. These days, I only get asked to host dinners if polio is busy. Yup, I have a lower Q rating than polio right now."

And he kept stabbing at himself when he introduced Katie Couric:

"Katie has a way of making headlines. Who can forget when she was co-host of the ‘Today’ show? She got a colonoscopy on TV. Not to be outdone, two weeks ago, I got one in The New York Times.”

There were three people in the country who didn't completely hate Matt Lauer, but they do now after he joked about polio. Congratulations for that, Matt Lauer!

via Page Six 

At the opening of Tracy Anderson's dungeon of cardio torture in Brentwood on Thursday night, Goopy Paltrow told UsWeekly about the time one of her friends (aka a paid servant) sucked on her 22-year-old stripper ass:

Paltrow recalled one incident in particular, when she was trying on bathing suits with a pal and received a rather unusual compliment about her figure.

"I said, 'You know, this isn't so bad for 40, right?'" Paltrow mused of her butt. "And [my friend] goes, 'It's not so bad for a 22-year-old stripper!'"

As humble as ever... But you know, I'm sure that somewhere out there is a 22-year-old gay albino twink stripper who has the same ass as Goopy's, so her friend is totally speaking the truth.

(Pic of Goop's 22-year-old stripper butt via FameFlynet)

The Supreme Court Justices can all take tomorrow off and spend the day watching Judge Judy reruns (you know they get tips from her), because Jose Canseco's got this. I mean, he said UNGAY.

And if they need a second opinion. They can always ask Sophia Petrillo. (Note: I'm sure I've splattered this all over the site a million times before, but Sophia's opinion is always relevant and never gets old.) 

via Buzzfeed & Hypervocal

The Real Plastic Faces Of Beverly Hills' Brandi Glanville is still whoring her book out hard and knows that the easiest way to sell a book is to put a hi-res picture of Prince Hot Ginge's peen in it. But since Brandi doesn't have that, she's selling that book hard by releasing the most foolish pieces from it. Brandi's latest jewel from her treasure trove of fuckery is about how she and Eddie Cibrian bumped crotches just hours after that they met at a West Hollywood nightclub. Brandi says that she kept saying no, but she meant yes and the whole thing was HILARIOUS!

“Six years after I moved to Europe, I came back to Los Angeles to shoot a Coors Light commercial and ended up in an obnoxious nightclub called Grandville on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. Across the bar, I spotted an insanely attractive Cuban man who just couldn’t keep his eyes off me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him either. It was love at first sight – or perhaps, lust. Yes, we slept together that first night. I would never endorse sleeping with someone you just met, because half of the fun is the challenge. But, man, was it fucking hot! I used to joke that he ‘raped’ me. Rape jokes are never funny, except when they are. I was saying, ‘No,no,no,’ the entire time, but we all know that despite the adage, sometimes no does mean yes.”

Daniel Tosh just fell in love! I'm sure in a few months Brandi will be standing at the altar and holding Tosh's hands while laughing as he tells rape joke after rape joke in his vows to her. They are meant to be!

via Radar

While sitting in front of an FTD bouquet, Katie Couric asked Manti Te'o if he created a fake dead girlfriend to hide his gayness sort of the same way someone (I'm not naming names) might use a few dozen squirts of Jovan Musk to hide the scent of butt sex in their room after a particularly messy orgy. Man Titty O got all uncomfortable, like Tom Cruise uncomfortable, and then basically said that if you brought up Google Maps, hit the "Get Directions" button, typed his name in A, and typed "gay" in B, the blue line would go on forever. That's how far from gay he is.

Katie: "One of the theories, many theories, Manti, making the rounds, is somehow you created this whole scenario to cover up your sexual orientation. Are you gay?

Manti: "No, far from it. Faaaaaaaaaaaar from it."

Then the audience laugh and I'm guessing it was one of those "bitch, please" laughs. My b-hole did twitch when he let out that long faaaaaaaaaaaa. Maybe dude doesn't crave dick, but that cardigan says otherwise. I think Zac Efron wore that same outfit in one of the High School Musicals. Do with that what you will.

via Gossip Cop

Your brain is probably still on the floor if you read that ESCANDALOSO expose at Deadspin about the Notre Dame football player who is either a dumb bitch for successfully getting Catfished for over a year or he's a dumb bitch for making up a dead girlfriend for maximum publicity (take note, Taylor Swift). If your brain is still on the floor, put it back in your head, because here's an equally important and fascinating (not really) quote from LeAnn Rimes about whether or not she thinks Eddie Cibrian's drifting dick will ever drift into another ho's twat.

While talking to Entertainment Tonight (via UsWeekly) about stuff, Nancy O'Dell asked her if she's ever worried about Eddie coming home with random vagina juices on his crotch. LeAnn said this:

"Everyone else would think I am a liar if I didn't say yes, and I have at times. It's definitely creeped into my mind, as it would anyone's. I think we've been very honest and open with that to each other, and our conversations about it have only made me understand how much he actually cares, as much as I do, about being faithful to each other. Where I'm at in my relationship with Eddie, that is not a worry that's in the front of my mind."

Scheana Marie, that sad pony-faced trick from Vanderpump Rules who Eddie cheated on Brandi Glanville with, claims that he cheated on her with LeAnn Rimes. So basically, Eddie Cibrian is a cheating slut who just can't stop being a cheating slut. LeAnn's ass probably knows this and she just looks the other way. When LeAnn walks in on Eddie with a mouthful of side snatch, she shrugs and then skips off to the kitchen to make herself a laxative-tini. When LeAnn kisses Eddie hello and a curly, black pube ends up in her mouth, she pulls it out, shrugs and then skips off to her laptop to tweet about how he's the great love of her life (after Twitter, of course).

I swear, sometimes good dick is a thing of evil. It blurs your vision and screws with your brain. Before Eddie came along, LeAnn didn't seem that crazy to me. But then when she got herself some good dick, her brain turned inside/out and delusion became her best friend.