Puts The Assy In Classy

Your eyeballs are probably covered with a thick layer of crusty pieces of self-tanner, Diddy's dried drool and Fashion Fair bronzer, and that could mean only one thing: it's Aubrey O'Day! When Aubrey  Ho'DayandNight was fired from Diddy's harem of yodeling concubines, he probably thought that in 5 years she'd be giving $2 daytime lap dances in the 40oz room of an illegal strip club on the outskirts of Tampa, FL. But Diddy was more than wrong, because here's Aubrey giving a nighttime lap dance at a casino burlesque show in Coconut Creek, FL. Diddy can smear it on Aubrey's ass and eat it.

Here's more of Aubrey popping her ass out in The Knockouts Burlesque Show at the Seminole Casino. I love how Aubrey usually has chichis all the way out when she's strolling down the streets, but she covers them up with a turtleneck when she's performing in a damn burlesque show. Aubrey's fresh petals are always full of surprises.

A knocked up Jessica Simpson was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote that Fashion Dirt Star show and to also burp up about how she's got a permanent case of the baby and still can't believe that barebacking your man until he shoots dick sauce all over your eggs ("Isn't that how they make Eggs Benedict?" - Jessica Simpson) makes a baby. Jessica still doesn't know that doing a dude raw dog style can lead to pregnancy and nobody's going to tell her, because more babies equals more MONAY for Eric Whatshisname and because Papa Joe really loves dressing up in a stork costume to sing "Look Out For Mr. Stork" to her on her due date.

After Chestica aw shucks'd about how she can't stop making babies, she "accidentally" let it slip that she's having a dude baby and the moment was completely natural and not-at-all staged. As Papa Joe pulled his fingers out of his twink toy's butt so that he could cross them while wishing for Jessica to land the joke he paid writers to write for her, she said this:

"Yeah, I've been vomiting. The crazy thing is that I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous. Oh shucks! Well I guess told the world that I'm having a boy! I just did it so crude, too. I feel awful. I talked about wieners!"

Yes, this bitch said, "Oh shucks!" It's nice to see that the writers of Hee Haw are still getting paid to write jokes. The funny thing is, Chestica's ass is so damn fertile that when she said the word "wiener" a second time, her third baby started forming in her womb. But Jessica should've saved her pre-planned joke, because we already know that she's having a wiener baby and we already know that she's naming him Champion Penis.

And speaking of wieners that give you the barfs, here's Papa Joe with a twink in tow leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live last night. Papa Joe really needs to get him a twink who will tell him that looking like the least popular member of a late 80s boy band who just can't let go of the glory days IS not the look.

Oh Rihanna. I usually love bad girls (see la Liz, Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss) but she makes it so very, very difficult. It's not the shitty music, or the titty baring outfits, or the seemingly low I.Q. It's that annoying habit she has of talking. You know, expressing herself.

So in this US Magazine article, they cover Vogue's November issue where they interview RiRi and here are just a few of the eloquent quotes that fluttered from her mouth like a delicate butterfly on a soft warm breeze. And because some of you may not speak butterfly, I took the liberty of translating for you.

"I would love to go on a date. You don't think that? I'm a woman. A young woman, vibrant, and I love to have fun. And I have too many vaginas around me at this point."

Translation: Chris Brown never takes me anywhere. And I'm tired of him and his friends all up in my house.

"No one asks. Trust me on that. I'm waiting for the man who's ballsy enough to deal with me. I'm going to wait, though. You always find the wrong shit when you go looking."

Translation: Chris never takes me anywhere. And he is all pencil frank and no beans.

About her re-kindling her friendship (read: they're totally fucking) with Chris after her infamous 2009 beat-down, she said:

"(fans are) not on the inside. They can't see what I see, unless they're sitting in my point of view. I guess I’ll learn to accept that."

Translation: You can't see what I see, because looking through black eyes makes things kinda blurry.

Brian McKnight is back and he's still using his dirty tongue to flick off musical lyrics about all the ways he can get you off. If it wasn't for Professor McPussyWhisperer, you wouldn't know about female ejaculation and now he's really going for his first Grammy win by moving from the cooch hole to the booty hole. Brian gave the clip of his new ode to ass sex to TMZ and tells them he wrote it as a thank you to YouPorn.com for making his pussy learning song a hit. Yes, a song about dick-on-no-no action. It looks like the Kardashians have a new theme song for their shit show!

TMZ censored the hell out of the clip, but you can still tell that the song is so poetically beautiful that Hallmark should put it into its singing Valentine's Day cards. Here's just a taste of the lyrics and I really mean that, you can actually taste them. You can smell them too (it's like eau de Scientology Center).  You might want to slip your tongue into a condom and plug your nose before you go in:

"You wanna see some fucking anal, I can get you close enough to smell."

Highly respected music history professors will be reciting those lyrics in 150 years while lecturing students on the most important musical works of the 21st century. I like the direction Brian McKnight is going and since he's self-appointing himself as the musical encyclopedia of fuck times, can he please croon about felching next?

My new rock bottom blogging moment is opening these pictures of Mickey Mouse's former concubine, Adrienne Bailon, at a Caesars event in NYC last night and zooming in close to see how much of her shaved cheetah is showing. I stared so long that I think it winked back at me or maybe it got the last bit of her dignity in its eye and was trying to blink it out.

Adrienne Bailon was in 3LW in the early 2000s, The Cheetah Girls in 2003 and then she was mostly known in 2007 for being in Rob Whoredashian (yes, that's me suggesting that she fingered that bubble butt on the regular). And you know that saying? Once you go whore, you're shameless to the core! Adrienne brought that saying to life last night when she wore this snatchtacular dress thing. Adrienne told Celebuzz that this dress is in the fashion line she did with her sister, but if it was up to her, she'd free her vagina of its sheer dress prison and always be nekkid ass nekkid.

“If I could come out naked, I would. This is just some fancy stuff to throw over my little naked body.”

BITCH, you should've just come out with your coochie out, because that dress is just stupidly ugly. That peach part looks like the balloon valance from a nursery window. It makes her look like a second tier Las Vegas hooker who's pregnant with desperation. What is the point of that thing?

I will passionately defend a trick who is pushing the ho shit agenda by flashing her coochie to the world, but Adrienne just looks like an idiot. If you're gonna show it, really show it. I love how in some pictures she's holding that ugly peach part down all demure-like and then lets it go right before her chocha sneezes so everybody can get a look at the goods. Please, bitch. You know she put some pepper on her pussy so it could sneeze all night. Atchu!

Because JLo no longer has to face the controlling Puerto Rican wrath Skeletor vomits out at her every time she flop fucks the stage like a Real Housewife mermaid in heat, she went pussy-out wild at last night's AMAs. I thoroughly believe that there is no retirement age for doing ho shit, so I have no words of hate for 42-year-old JLo shoving her Thanksgiving dinner for 12 all over Pitbull's bulge. (Side note: Even though Pitbull's peen probably tastes like Drakkar Noir and he uses his own spit as lube, I'd still let him bite, lockjaw or whatever me. I so would. Judge me or report me to the ASPCA all you want.)

JLo started her performance by earning another Razzie for her staged breakdown and then she continued to strip like a lunch shift stripper until all she had on was Brit Brit's streched-out bodysuit. For real, though, JLo's performance was really nothing more than a joint commercial for Fiat and her liberated vagina. I kept waiting for this bitch to run over a Skeletor cardboard cutout with her Fiat to really drive the point into our brains.

We get it. JLo wants all of us to buy a car that costs less than her annual labia bleaching bill and she's HORNY! Keep fucking that Fiat, JLo, but nobody's ever going to believe that you actually drive one of those things when a camera isn't around.

If the lady behind you is not preparing her nostrils for the scented current of snatch that is about to blow her way, then you're working the red carpet wrong. This is Lauren Pope, of the British reality mess The Only Way Is Essex, at last night's London premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymens, Part 1.

For those refined ladies out there who want to look like their body is luxuriating in expensive glamour but don't have the budget for it, take an economical styling tip from Lauren Pope. Sneak into your local brothel, rip two satin curtain panels from their rods, slap one on each side of your body, cinch it together with a luggage belt around your waist and BAM! Lauren calls it "The Scarlett O'Whorah." You don't even need double-sided tape to keep your dress from flying up and exposing the goods for free. Just do what Lauren did and dab a little of your natural coochie glue on your thigh.

Not wearing panties will tell the world that you've got a resilient pussy that can handle the elements and your labia lips flapping in the night wind will provide a romantic soundtrack. This ensemble is everything. Thank you, Lauren.

Lauren is the only Pope we should be worshiping.

via Patch