Pussy Abuse

With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she's going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW's being all up in her face about it. "FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!" - Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision.

From Yahoo! News:

"It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell," Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday.

I say if you're Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby's curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they're pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor's instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she's only quitting FOR NOW.

And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann's boxes.

What in the Carrot Top meets a bottle of brown hair dye HELL is the meaning of this?

Just like The Situation's roid acne, my retinas need an extra long scrubbing after staring at his new ad for Peta. Yes, that poor kitten is obviously traumatized from being pressed up against The Situation's overcooked and HGH-filled veal cutlet, but it should be grateful. That's not a terrifying vein on The Situation's arm, that's a worm that crawled out of that kitten's ass. The Situation's smug face scares worms out of pussies!

And all hate aside, this ad does deliver a very important message. You should definitely spay or neuter your Mike Sorrentino today.

Kim Kardashian likes her dicks black, but unfortunately for this kitten, she likes her pussies white.

Kim must've gotten bored with using her own pussy to get attention, because while filming Khloe & Kim Take Miami, she used another pussy to get extra attention from the cameras. Kim has a new accessory that she named "Mercy" after one of Kanye West's songs and she carried it around all weekend. Where was the ASPCA, PETA and Jackson Galaxy when a tortured kitten needed them most, because this is obvious pussy abuse.

Imagine you're an innocent kitten who has found itself trapped in the arms of a beast with an ass that looks like two overfed and snarling pit bulls waiting to attack. The kitten knows that the beast is trying to trick it by wearing a plastic cat mask that sort of looks like its mommy's face. It cannot be tricked. Never mind that when the poor kitty looks to the right, it sees a bigger beast who looks like an overgrown ALF in a weave. And ALF eats cats. NOOOOOOO.

Webster's needs to update its español edition by putting this picture directly under the definition of ayúdame:

Although, the name "Mercy" is pretty fitting, because this traumatized pussy's constant internal monologue is this: "Please GOD have mercy on my innocent soul!" 

As you say a prayer for this poor kitten, I'll say a prayer that when Mercy realizes that God gave her claws to scratch at her torturer's face, the cameras are there.