This panda knows what I'm talking about:
This is some Photoshop of Love shit and the overachiever who airbrushed this mess gets the final backstage pass. I'm not saying that Bret Michaels doesn't naturally have a body like a video game version of Jackie Warner, but that cover looks more like a ceiling fresco from John Travolta's personal sauna.
White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan are still trying to make 16-year-old (that's their story and they're sticking to it) Ali Lohan happen so they threw her ass into an awkward photo shoot for Blohan's 6126's spring/summer 2011 collection. Yes, this is supposed be an ad campaign for a clothing line. It looks more like something out of a mail order MILF bride catalog.
But I have to give up to Nana Lohan. She did the best she could even though she only took three Photoshop night classes at the local community college. Yes, Ali's leg looks like it was borrowed from Heather Mills and her face has the complexion of a Glade candle, but Nana Lohan really tried.
And it was smart of LiLo to save a few coins IN THIS ECONOMY by shooting this mess guerrilla-style at an open house for a condo in The Valley. You can almost hear the broker screaming at them to get the fuck out.
No, Roger, that 10th scotch you just swallowed is not playing a cruel joke on you. Bitch really doesn't have any legs! Well, at least every time she falls forward from trying to take a step with her hands, her tittays will protect her face.
The GQ Photoshoppers were obviously so hypnotized by Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis that they straight up erased her legs and turned her into some kind of mythical couchtaur you thought only existed in the back of a Jennifer Convertibles warehouse. Fuck. Ery.
Matthew McConaughey's natural scent of fermented armpit jelly, patchouli oil, weed smoke, taint fromage and sweat can never be masked, so I'm not sure why Dolce & Gabbana asked him to be the face of their new cologne. But they kept the fuckery going by using the "THINNING CURSE" tool on his head before cutting and pasting it onto the body of a svelte dandy with delicate hands that only touch silk. I mean, like Matthew's real arms are even long enough for him to touch his neck anyways. Bitch please!
The pose is way too "grab my smelling salts" for Matthew to pull off. Was Chace Crawford not available?
This is some "old school Courtney Love as seen through the eyes of Mimi" shit.
Japanese artist Takashi Murakami gave Brit Brit a manga makeover for Pop Magazine and here's a couple of pictures from the shoot. The frosty mess below is supposed to be a picture of Brit Brit in a wedding dress. But to me this looks more like Brit Brit begging Daddy Spears for forgiveness after she got so fucked up on strawberry-flavored acid that she ran out of her own first communion ceremony (where she was to receive the sacrament of Cheetochrist) and collapsed in a bed of daisies outside of St. Frito-Lay's Church. It works for me!
Anybody who has spent some time with Montana Fishburne's debut fuck film has already gotten a major craving for a chocolate chip walnut muffin after staring at her assne-ridden nalgas for a few seconds.
As Is Magazine admitted that they used the "SANTO DIOS" Photoshop tool on Montana's ass cheeks so the picture wouldn't look like it belongs in a world history book in the chapter titled: Famous Battle Sites. Right next to a picture of my ass cheeks!
Montana told the magazine that she's always had butt blemishes for as long she can remember, "I've had spots on my butt forever - it's a leopard booty."
LEOPARD BOOTY? The "D" is silent, right? This leopard did not sign off on that:
And "I'm not doing shit to him, but fucking and having my career" is really a good line. I give that to Montana. I'm going to snatch that one from her the next time someone e-mails me and asks if my therapist is proud to see me ranting like a crazy person on my blog.
Lindsay Lohan usually looks like Magda after waking up to find her face in the toilet of a crackhouse, so the artists who spread their Photoshop sorcery all over this mess can pat themselves on the taint as soon as their carpal tunnel clears up.
Blohan got ready for jail by posing for the cover of Maxim in a striped bikini I'm sure her ass wore during the swimsuit portion of the Miss Lynwood pageant. Bitch didn't place. LiLo also continued to make White Oprah proud by showing off the strongest Lohan family trait (DELUSION) in her interview with Maxim:
We know you’ve had a very trying week, and we want you to know that Maxim loves you. How are you feeling right now?
I am feeling strong. I’ve experienced a lot in my life, and my mom has given me a lot of
pills and encouraging words of delusionfaith. This too shall pass.
You just had your birthday. What are you hoping for from the upcoming year?
To focus on myself
instead of focusing on the ground to keep from passing outand my work and to move all press on me to focus on the work I do. Also, I’d like to do more work in India and travel to Malawi.
What is your advice to others about how to cope with adversity?
Stay true to yourself always. At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror
on the coffee tableand be content with the choices you’ve made, and will make, in your life. Go with your gut even if it's filled with enough booze to keep The Hoff busy for a weekend!
....And hasn't Malawi been through enough?!
If anime versions of the gypsy king from Thinner and Ratpunzel consummated their newfound love behind a tree in Woodstock, their broken condom baby might look like Lady CaCa on the cover of September's Vanity Fair. All the copies of Photoshop used for this cover can join hands and take their bows, because they've done it again.
Lindsay Lohan, seen here Photoshopped to Fuck U and back on Complex Magazine, is living in a fantasy dream world where she thinks that she's going to skip into court tomorrow morning and Judge Marsha will tell her that Fudgie the Whale has agreed to serve her 90-day jail sentence for her. Fudgie will tell LiLo that he owes this to her for wronging her family. Then Judge Marsha is going to snap her fingers and LiLo's Scram anklet will explode into a cloud of whiskey-coated Adderall pills! Yes, this is what's going to happen.
A source tells TMZ that even though LiLo's lawyer Robert Shapiro has told everyone that she will start serving her jail sentence tomorrow, she still doesn't think that she's going to spend a second behind bars. LiLo's thought bubble of delusion is carrying the idea that Robert Shapiro will convince Judge Marsha to magically erase her sentence.
Meanwhile, instead of doing internet research on how to make fake tanner out of prison cheese and roach guts, LiLo is Twittering about her ex-father:
I don't want my ex-father anywhere near me no matter where I am. He is crazy and scares me.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter
I don't want Michael Lohan Sr. anywhere near me, no matter where I am. I am in a great place and he only brings negativity in my world.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter
IN A GREAT PLACE?! Did she Tweet that from the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle? I mean, this trick is going to jail and she thinks everything is just pink dildos and pretty lalalalas. Although in her defense, being locked up without White Oprah around to sniff your asshole for a quarter does sound kind of great.
Here's a few more pictures of LiLo getting molested by Mickey Mouse (symbolism) in Complex.