With her head on Lady Gaga's body, and Lady Bunny's wig on her head, Jessica Simpson poses for New York Magazine and talks about her $1 billion dollar fashion empire (“I never thought I’d be some fashion mogul!") and her gold digging fiance ("He has so many books. Like, just books and books and books and books."). But I'm focusing more on the tumbleweed of Barbie ponytails on her head. If that isn't a FUCK YOU to Ken Paves disguised as an obese wig, then I don't what is. Jessica stopped fluttering around Ken's fruit bowl when she picked up a gold digger and now she does this to him?
Ken can't even touch a piece of blonde weave without shedding a single tear while thinking about how he would laugh when Jessica would come back from the bathroom and tell him that the health department is going to put an F over his door because of the rotten shit she dropped in his toilet (awwwww). And then he chokes up when he remembers the time Jessica asked him if weave pieces were baby wigs (awww, the sequel). Jessica knew what she was doing when she put that mop on her head. New York Magazine put that wig on her head to make her ass look smaller, but they made her cold-hearted bitch gene look bigger while doing so. Well, played...actually.
So yeah, this is Jennifer Aniston in Allure, and it's not a picture from a Real Doll photo shoot art directed by a pedophile with a Snuggle Bear fetish. It's like a still from an old Law & Order episode about a Baby Jane-like plastic surgery addict who just can't let go of her child beauty pageant days. Just because Aniston is posing with her favorite teddy bear baby she adopted from a doll nursery last summer doesn't mean this mess is cute. Just. No.
Creepiness aside, Jennifer finally admits that the Rachel cut is a work of fugness that doesn't belong on anybody's head! The cut that terrorized heads in the 90s and projected to the public "I'm an asshole for getting my hair cut like a fucking TV character!" was not Jennifer's favorite thing.
"Let's just say there have been moments I'd rather not relive, like that whole Rachel thing. I love Chris [McMillan, her hairstylist], and he's the bane of my existence at the same time because he started that damn Rachel, which was not my best look. How do I say this? I think it was the ugliest haircut I've ever seen. What I really want to know is, how did that thing have legs?"
And it still has legs. You don't know how many retail managers and real estate office receptionists I've seen with that haircut. And you know what's creepier than that picture of Aniston above? The fact that I regularly stare at the heads of retail managers and real estate office receptionists.
Jennifer also talked about her fascination with The Bachelor and how she doesn't understand how those girls can shrivel into a dehydrated pod of loneliness when they get dumped.
"You know what I find fascinating? The Bachelor. I was mesmerized by how these girls, they meet this guy, they have three dates together or something, and they're weeping as though they've just lost the love of their life. I don't understand that."
Too easy, so I'll just leave you with more Photoshopped pictures of Jennifer looking like JLo and a female doll version of STAINS.
Today, nepotism smells like Molly McButter flakes, burnt aluminum foil, open finger sores from Photoshopping for hours and Badgley Mischka's saliva on Demi Moore's ass lips. Here's Rumer Willis' first ads as the new chin of Badgley Mischka! You know, Badgley and/or Mischka can say that they chose Rumer because she's "a unique beauty" who "breathes new life into their brand", but the real truth is that if she didn't slide out of Demi Moore's cooch, she wouldn't have gotten the job. But Rumer is collecting a check and you know I'm a strong supporter of that, so....
I guess this means it won't be long before Noah Cyrus is named as the new face of Frederick's of Hollywood and one of JLo's twins becomes Donatella Versace's new muse.
What in the Addams Family meets Aaron Spelling cast picture meets Awkward Family Photos meets mannequin factory HELL is the meaning of this hilarious bronzer mess? This might be the best thing the Kardashians have ever done. From the young one on the left looking like a sexed up Wednesday Addams to Khloe looking like Uncle Fester with a new weave to Scott Dickhead looking like Lurch with a Patrick Bateman obsession.... BRAVO!
It's a pity that Bruce didn't get with the theme, though. Bruce looks more like Vincent the Beast after a haircut. Bruce is probably wondering why Linda Hamilton didn't show up to grab his hand and lead him down into the sewers far away from this kreepy and kooky family?
And where is the most important member of the Kardashian Klan? I'm talking about Ryan Gaycrest. He's the one who birthed the Kardashian family out of his no-no. And don't say Ryan is on the right holding Kourtney's hand. Don't insult Mason like that.
via Celebuzz (Thanks Karen, Ben, Daniel and everybody who sent in this wreck)
Sarah Jessica Parker tells Elle Magazine that like most living things in this world (excluding the ageless Shauna Sand, of course) she's getting old and she can already see herself entering the matinee buffet phase of her life, but she refuses to chop and stretch her face out of fear that she'll look like something you might find in Jocelyn Wildenstein's stables. Yes, getting old is scarier than a Ke$ha video!
Although, it's really not. I can't wait for that shit, because that's when you really don't have to give a fuck about anything. Is that kid kicking the back of your chair making your last nerve splinter? Curse that brat out and tell 'em Santy Claus is made of lies (no, he's not). Use the "BUT I"M OLD" defense in a court of law and you'll get an automatic NOT GUILTY!
When I was at the theater the other day, some pepaw passed out and started snoring so loudly that I'm sure he melted every box of Breathe Right at the Duane Reade down the street. At first I loaded a "STFU" onto the tip of my tongue, but then I realized he's old. I almost wanted to cover him with a chenille throw and have a plate of warm chamomile cookies waiting for him so he has something sweet to nibble on after his nap. See. Getting old is getting RIGHT. I can't wait until my state of mind is permanently set to WHO GIVES A FUCK (no question mark needed).
Anyways, here's a couple of quotes SJP neighed out to Elle:
On meeting her babies squared: "[Meeting them] is hard to describe. Everything is suspended. I can't even tell you what other sounds were in the room. I loved them immediately, but everything--their size, the shape of their heads, the color of their hair, their noses, their eyes--was new to me. They looked surprisingly different from James Wilkie, which I wasn't expecting."
On how her aging face is like something out of Planet Earth: "I don't know what I can do about the aging. Yes, I am aging. Oh my God, I'm aging all the time. It's like those flowers that wilt in front of you in time-lapse films. But what can I possibly do? Look like a lunatic?"
Who needs to go under the knife anyway when you've got a dozen Photoshop tools to erase your wrinkles and make your skin looks like it's manufactured by Rubbermaid. And what did they do to her eyes?! They gave SJP those BLACK SWAN demon eyes. It's making me want to shake her while screaming, "What happened to my sweet girl!!!!?"
More like Jackie Ohwhatdidtheydotoyourface. The words on the poster says this is Katie Holmes, Greg Kinnear, Barry Pepper and Tom Wilkinson, but if you told me this was a DIY Mona Lisa, JFK (Greg Kinnear really does look like JFK here), a second-tier Roger Maris impersonator and the late Tom Bosley, I'd believe you!
I mean, if you sat in a Scientology sauna until a dozen L. Ron Hubbards and Xenus waltzed before your very eyes and somebody showed you this poster, it still wouldn't look like Stepford Katie. She looks like a Jackie O wax figure made with birthday candles and black marbles that was...well.....that was left in the Scientology sauna for too long.
Katherine Heeeeeeeiiiigl talks all about adopting her daughter Naleigh in the December issue of W Magazine. Hagel says that her sister is from Korea which is why she adopted a baby friend there. And she always knew she wanted to adopt so she made sure her husband Josh Kelley was with her on that subject before she did the vow shit with him at the wedding. Quick quote from the interview: "You have this empathy suddenly -– this compassion for a mother going through anything complicated or difficult with a child. It’s something that I understand now –- that unbelievable drive and instinct to protect."
Uh huh. And since Katherine's interview is all about Baby Naleigh, they all decided to put her on the cover too. But it doesn't look like they got Naleigh's notarized approval first, because homegirl looks like she's about to serve a smack to her mommy's face for putting her on the cover of a magazine in one of Noah Cyrus' day tutus. I'll hold your purse, Naleigh, while you follow through with that SLAP!
via Daily Mail
On the left is Kelly Osbourne filling my head with a half a cup of "No really, Harpo, who dis woman?" and a half cup of "YOU ARE NOT JACK SOMMERSBY" as Goldfinger's Shirley Eaton for the launch of Sky+HD. On the right is David Walliams also drenched in Kanye West's ass saliva as Shirley Eaton for Heat Magazine.
I'm happy that Kelly feels comfortable enough to proudly flaunt her body like a born and bred nudist now that she's lost some chunk, but my point goes to David for this one. Only David can pair a prairiedogginface with an "I'm so scared" pose and make it work!
When this cover of Justin Bieber on Brazilian tween magazine Todateen Star made the rounds, many accused them of abusing every tool in Photoshop to turn him into the new face of Maybelline's baby collection. But a rep for Todateen says that there is no "maybe" in "maybe she's born with it" when it comes to Justin Bieber. Todateen told HuffPo that they didn't use any Photoshoppery to make Justin's eyes look like that of a bunny's:
We could not help noticing your comments and tweets from the picture of Justin on the cover of Star Todateen. We would like to say that there was no change made in the area of the singer's eyes. We had a technical problem that darkens certain areas of the photo. We also want to say that all of us find Justin very naturally beautiful. We'd never think it's necessary to alter pictures of him. Natural beauty says it all, right?
But what is the reason for why Justin's rose-lined lips remind me of my mom's faded lipstick after she drinks 3 glasses of white wine and forgets to reapply? No, I should not question his organic prettiness. This confirms that Justin naturally looks like a Barbie Head styled by Rojo Caliente. That Justin, she's born with it!
The next time you're in the shower and about to begin your usual "shaving until you're as hairless as a naked mole rat" routine, you can skip the legs and go straight to the ass crack. And the NADs you spread on every inch of your living carcass at least once a week can now be used as a sauce for chicken or some shit. Throw some bouillon in your NADS and there you go.
You don't need it anymore, because according this picture on J. Crew's website, HAIRY LEGS ARE BACK FOR EVERYONE! Fire your waxer! And if a laser zapped away your ability to grow leg hair, you better beg Robin Williams for a jar of his sweat to get your shit growing again. Mo'Nique-afy yourself immediately!
And will J.Crew also address the topic of crotch bush pruning, because I'm really sick of having to stick my hand in my pant pocket to scratch at my pube cuts on the down low when I'm out in public.
UPDATE: Dammit, J.Crew! The Age of Hairy Legs has been canceled. Unfortunately, those are lace tights on that model and it's not her hair follicles. But to my morning eyes, those lace tights really make your legs look like a Kardashian's pre-shaved tongue. They look like hair tights. Shit, J.Crew needs to get on that. The world wants HAIR TIGHTS! (Thanks Michelle)
(Thanks to Diane for pointing this out)