The power of trimmed brow merkins, black eye pencils, horse tails, extra hung Bumpits, high-powered fans and the "lipstick lez" tool on Photoshop cannot be denied!
Kristen Stewart normally looks like a homeless runaway who chews on her lip scabs inside of the ATM room at Chase bank on 2nd Avenue and spits at you when you don't put a dollar in her cup after she opens the door for you, but W Magazine glamoured her up for their fashion issue. Yes, their fashion issue. Because when you think of fashion, you automatically think of the ho who looks like she buys all her clothes at a gas station. If they wanted a Twilight-related cover, they should've went with the forever fashionable Nutty Madam instead. Truth.
Click here for KStew's interview with W if that's what you need on your eyes today and here's more of her looking like a cross between the Ghost of Priscilla Presley's Past and Lindsay Lohan before meth ate the young from her face.
These pictures will definitely have a place at the Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum one day.
Seen here Photoshopped into another dimension where the Jennifer Lopez we know looks more like a praying mantis alien vacuum sealed into a Kim Kardashian skin bag, JLo gave Vanity Fair the first interview since her marriage to Skeletor was slaughtered and fed to Panthor. While wearing a coat made from the scalped heads of the albino virgins Skeletor sacrificed and fed to his 11" wrist dick, JLo didn't totally get into the rumors that she left the Puerto Rican Ren because she couldn't take his controlling ways anymore.
JLo only said that she loves herself enough (pendeja should've stopped right there) to walk away and that she's constantly searching for love. The last part convinced Vera Wang to take out that mortgage on a $5 million beach house she's been wonk eyeing, because JLo's going to touch a new wedding ring more than than I touched the snooze button this morning (SPOILER ALERT: 8). Here's a few carefully worded quotes that fell out of JLo's mouth hole:
On how she really tried to make her marriage work: “That was my biggest dream, and I really worked hard at it. We both did. Sometimes it doesn’t work—and that’s sad. But I remain an eternal optimist about love. I believe in love. It’s still my biggest dream. I am positive—determined to move forward with my life, bring up my babies, and do the best job I can as a mother, entertainer, and person. I now look forward to new challenges. I feel strong.”
On how Skeletor treated her like shit: "I’m a hopeless romantic and passionate person when it comes to love. It’s not that I didn’t love myself before. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself—if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself enough to walk away from that now.”
On how everything was about Skeletor and the Dragon Tales Twins: "Like I said, we had the first three years of our marriage just for us. I wasn't working, it was mainly about him. Then we got pregnant. Then it became about the kids. And then I started working again."
On how she's so kind of heart that she's actually going to let Skeletor stay in the Dragon Tales Twins' lives: “I will always respect Marc as a singer and performer. We actually work great together, and he was always very supportive. Together we could make magic—and we did. He will always be in our lives. He will always hold a special place in my heart as the father of my children.”
On some bullshit that I can't even...: "I think I'm a really great performer. I think I'm a really great actress. I feel confident in those things—that's a better way to say it. I'm not as gifted a vocalist as some of the girls that are out there, but I know I communicate."
What I'm getting from this is that dozens of People magazine covers with JLo and husband #4, #5, #6, #7, #8 and #9 are in our future. What I'm also getting from this is that JLo can spare us this torture by marrying the one thing that loves her the most: HER MIRROR! Seriously, she loves her mirror and her mirror loves her. When JLo hears love songs, she thinks of her mirror and her mirror thinks of her. Besides, I'm pretty sure a mirror won't let out a fart after it swallows a laugh (it has to go somewhere) when JLo looks deep into it and talks about what a great actress she is. JLo & her mirror = the love story of our time!
If John Travolta's leather daddy closet and every outfit En Vogue has ever worn collided into a statue chiseled from a giant foundation stick, it might look like the cover of Vogue Espana starring Katie Holmes. A peeled rutabaga wrapped in black lace would look more like Katie Holmes than Katie Holmes does on this cover, but I actually like it. The whole thing is ridiculous since Katie is vanilla as vanilla can be (even if you covered her with creamed leather and top her with a leather cherry), but I still like it. Katie is showing Tommy that he's not the only bitch in the family who can cock a leather daddy hat to the side ("Still wouldn't" - Tommy) and this cover has also given me my new favorite safe word: "¡Guau!"
This is the first ad for the next season of Two and a Half Men starring Ashton Kutcher and shit is not staring off well. Was it really necessary for CBS to make those of us with gutter brains imagine Jon Cryer, douche Jesus and that former fat kid airing their peens out just inches apart from each other? Did I really need to see the look on Jon's face when he stares at Ashton's totally shaved crotch and realizes it looks like G.I. Jane with a deviated septum. No.
And I'm guessing the all in "all will be revealed" is that these three are really mutants who can stretch their torsos all long and shit like Gumby.
In honor of what would have been Princess Diana's 50th birthday on Friday, Newsweek pulled out the Photoshop zombie tool and brought her back to life on their cover next to Duchess Kate. I'd like to call this Newsweek's annual "....The Fuck Is This?" cover. If Kate Middleton didn't always have twirling crowns in her eyes, she wouldn't be making smiles at Zombie Diana, that's for damn sure.
I once made out with my piece in the parking lot of a church where a relative's funeral was taking place (AND I wore white socks with black shoes), so I am the last person who should ever comment on shit being tasteless, but really?! Newsweek also knighted itself as Sir Fuckery by including an extra long "What if?" article by Tina Brown, which asks the question no one was asking: What would Princess Diana's life be like today?
One thing I do know is that if Princess Diana was alive today she sure as hell wouldn't be wearing a rattan plate charger from Pier 1 as a hat! And hasn't Prince Hot Ginge been through enough*?!!
And coming soon from Newsweek: If dinosaurs were alive today, would we dress them up in tutus and take them to the groomer to get their anuses bleached?
* Yes, by enough I mean me constantly cyber slobbering all over his ginger scepter any chance I get.
Pietro Beccari, the vice president of Louis Vuitton, released this image of St. Angie Jo in their "Core Values" campaign and said that this ad is the truth since she doesn't have any make-up on her face, is wearing her own clothes, is carrying her own 6-year-old bag and posed in Maddox's native country of Cambodia. Yes, Angie is supposed to be SANS FARDS in this mess. Yes, Pietro is pulling all of our dicks with the make-up Angie is not wearing in these ads.
No, no, Pietra is telling the truth. Angie was naturally born with smoky eyelids and she covers them up every day with veiny skin putty so us uglies don't feel bad about ourselves while staring at her organically stunning beauty. That Angie, such a saint in every way. Pietra continued his comedy act by saying this to WWD:
“People are not used to seeing Angelina in this situation. I like the fact that it’s a real moment. This travel message we give through personal journeys is a fundamental one for the brand. This campaign is about a very special person and a very special journey.
The picture was taken on a green marsh in Cambodia's Siem Reap province, where St. Angie remains active in community development.
A real moment? Pietro really knows how to hug me in a blanket of HAHAHAHAs. When Angie's wooden boat docks in the Siem Reap province, she sits there for a second, flexing her perfectly manicured toes while throwing sultry "make-up free" looks at the local orphans who are like, "Stop mugging and adopt me already!"
You can't tell from this picture but Maddox is sitting in that bag while giving Angie a "you ain't fooling anyone with that SANS FARDS shit" side-eye.
Maybe she's born with it? Maybe it's Photoshop!
If you took a latex man mask, painted it up like Barbie and then accidentally left it on a hot radiator until it melted off the side a little, it would look just like the face of The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak in this picture for Life & Style. The photographer told Kim to look serene and calm, but the wig hair was blocking her ears and she heard "lifeless" and "melted" instead.
The shot of Kim's face looks like something out of a case file for the homicide of a transsexual Real Doll. But Kim has a good reason for this. Kim says that being this pregnant has left her in an uncomfortable state.
"I feel like I'm just getting fatter. He (her boyfriend Kroy) thinks I'm sexy. He makes me feel beautiful. He's just been the best partner. This pregnancy has kicked my butt, and now I'm at the stage where I'm uncomfortable."
Well, what is one to do when one is uncomfortable? One glues a microwaved Barbie mask over one's face, wraps a white bed skirt over one's naked body and allows Life & Style to click away as one's boyfriend gets his nose in the line of fire. The "fire" being pregnancy queefs.
Just like that, every Honda Spree is feeling hotter than a motherfucker today, because their title as the biggest two-wheeled joke in the world has been replaced by this Trannyformers disaster. Late last night, Lady Gaga dropped a Photoshopped shit bomb on her little monsters (and sparked a new meme) when she Twatted out the album cover for "Born This Way." This just confirms what I've known all along: bitch gets her tuck jobs at Jiffy Lube.
I can already hear Caca vroom-vroom-vrooming about how this is METAPHORICAL HIGH ART CAMP and only the few chosens ones who have recently gotten an oil and filter change in their creative node will understand this. Stick a banana in her exhaust pipe and tell her gas pumper at AM/PM to start filling her tank with a steady stream of GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF (87 octane, of course). I will tell Caca the same thing I told my cousin when she came out of the airbrusher store in the "ghetto mall" wearing a t-shirt with Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck (in Smile Now, Cry Later style) on it: walk in front of me and don't make eye contact with me when we're both in line at Orange Julius.
Some of Gaga's little monsters think that this cover is a sike on a bike and believe that the real cover will rise in 3 days....just like Jesus. I wish I was making this up. But you know, maybe they're right. This cover is definitely missing something (besides a tractor trailer smashing into it):
There, that's somewhat better. It's still not going to pass a smog check, but maybe Paula Deen will pay homage to Thelma & Louise by riding this Cacacyle right off of a cliff. Remember to jump off, Paula. Butter needs you!
Here's a proud member of Disney's whore harem Ashley Tisdale showing Vanessa Hudgens that she's not the only one who is willing to put the skills she learned in Daisy Duck's "How to Promote Your Family Friendly DVD Movie by Flashing Your Ass Crack" class to good use. But unlike Vanessa, Ashley made the wise decision of only getting half naked while in the presence of a professional photographer, lights brighter than Mah Boo's smile (wink wink) and a team of Photoshop artists who were on hand to take pre-measurements and give Allure an estimate for their work.
Ashley and others (who you might have to Google to get a clue) cupped their breasts and shielded their vaginas for Allure's annual "Put Photoshop to the Test Issue" (aka The Nude Issue). Every year, Allure gets a group of bottom shelf skinny celebrities to talk about their flaws (flaws that eventually get erased with the swipe of a mouse) and what they love most of their bodies. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. Why is it that Allure always gets the ones that I have no interest in seeing with their nalgas out.? I mean, Keri Hilson, Bridget Moynahan, Kaley Cuoco and Ashley Tisdale?! That's like staring at a paper bowl filled with potato flakes and cold tap water. Give us Quween on the Scene, Antoine Dodson, Mah Boo and the First Lady of Cameroon. You know, some asses that are really worth the price of admission!
Although, I do like Ashley's "farting on my toes" pose.
Here's the rest of the pictures as well as some pics of Ashley shopping with her mother in NYC yesterday. If any Tisdale had to get naked, it should've been Ashley's hot mom.
V Magazine lured Brit Brit Spears to their studio with a trail of Trenta Frapps and pounced on her when she got to the front door. Then a member of the ASPCA sedated her weave, threw it in a mange dip, attacked it with a FURminator and then microchipped it. Once Brit Brit was done with the ASPCA, V Magazine threw her into the arms of Mike Holmes who spackled her skin, gave her 1 coat of primer and 2 coats of paint.
At this point, Brit Brit was getting high off of this unfamiliar scent called CLEAN and she happened to stumble in front of a backdrop. V Magazine seized the moment by putting a white pussy in her arms right before Mario Testino yelled, "SAY CHEETOS!" They rushed the picture off into the V Photo-Sweat-Shop, where a group of children broke several fingers and burned dozens of hardrives from retouching all night. But they finally did it and BAM! Magic! And here you thought Brit Brit just rolled out of bed (or wherever she sleeps) looking like this!