Papa Joe

98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what's the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, "EVERYTHING!" Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey's head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:

"The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don't have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore."

Okay, I'm interpreting that two ways:

1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn't allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other's parts on the down low.

2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick's ass while blessing the food.

I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that's the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I'm sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that's my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I'd take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.

I'm still confused, so I'm just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick's ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other....and now I'm disturbed.

Jessica and Asshole Simpson's mother Tina Simpson wasn't exactly shitting out rays of happiness when she found out that every time her husband of 35 years Papa Joe said he was going to bible study to get on his knees and pray to the lord, he was actually going to some studio apartment in the valley to get on his knees and worship some twink dick. Right after Tina Simpson found out that Papa Joe's tongue regularly frolicked on the hairless ass cheeks of 20-something blond boys, she almost jumped from the edge and wanted to take him with her. That's what Radar says anyway.

Tina allegedly wrote a suicide note saying that she was so angry that she wanted to shoot Papa Joe before shooting herself. Tina left the note inside of her house in Encino, CA, Papa Joe found it and immediately gave it to his lawyers to use it against her in their divorce war. How nice of him! The source put it like this:

“Tina was so distraught when she found out about Joe’s secret gay affair, she immediately wrote a suicide note. It was fairly detailed and she said she wanted to shoot herself for what Joe had done to their 35-year marriage. Worse still, Tina wanted to shoot Joe as well. She was just so angry with him. But, instead of killing herself, Tina headed straight to a New York hotel to confront Joe about Bryce Chandler Hill. However, when Joe returned to the Encino home in Los Angeles they shared, he found the note, made a copy and gave it to his divorce lawyer as a bargaining tool for the settlement.

Tina eventually offered Joe half of the family fortune. An offer of a 50 percent split of everything under the Simpson name has been offered to Joe. That includes the coveted Jessica Simpson Collection, which Joe desperately wanted because that’s the real cash cow.”

Threatening to pull some murder/suicide shit is never a good idea, but if you found out that your husband was now dressing like the member of a failed 90s boy band that only played the county fair circuit (see: pictures from March below), you too might lose the sanest part of your mind. But Tina should really be relieved. Because she probably thought that Papa Joe was a creepy, sucio perv who wanted to motorboat his daughters, but it turns out he was just a cheating bastard who wants to motoroboat twink ass. Yeah, he lied to Tina Simpson all those years, but at least she knows he doesn't want to do their daughters. There's a bright side for everything!

And the lives of twink gold diggers and the makers of highlighting caps will be made if Papa Joe really does get half of the Simpson family fortune.

A knocked up Jessica Simpson was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote that Fashion Dirt Star show and to also burp up about how she's got a permanent case of the baby and still can't believe that barebacking your man until he shoots dick sauce all over your eggs ("Isn't that how they make Eggs Benedict?" - Jessica Simpson) makes a baby. Jessica still doesn't know that doing a dude raw dog style can lead to pregnancy and nobody's going to tell her, because more babies equals more MONAY for Eric Whatshisname and because Papa Joe really loves dressing up in a stork costume to sing "Look Out For Mr. Stork" to her on her due date.

After Chestica aw shucks'd about how she can't stop making babies, she "accidentally" let it slip that she's having a dude baby and the moment was completely natural and not-at-all staged. As Papa Joe pulled his fingers out of his twink toy's butt so that he could cross them while wishing for Jessica to land the joke he paid writers to write for her, she said this:

"Yeah, I've been vomiting. The crazy thing is that I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous. Oh shucks! Well I guess told the world that I'm having a boy! I just did it so crude, too. I feel awful. I talked about wieners!"

Yes, this bitch said, "Oh shucks!" It's nice to see that the writers of Hee Haw are still getting paid to write jokes. The funny thing is, Chestica's ass is so damn fertile that when she said the word "wiener" a second time, her third baby started forming in her womb. But Jessica should've saved her pre-planned joke, because we already know that she's having a wiener baby and we already know that she's naming him Champion Penis.

And speaking of wieners that give you the barfs, here's Papa Joe with a twink in tow leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live last night. Papa Joe really needs to get him a twink who will tell him that looking like the least popular member of a late 80s boy band who just can't let go of the glory days IS not the look.

Don't expect Papa Joe Simpson to declare "Yup, I Love Dick!" on the cover of Christian Today anytime soon, because even though that Sweet Valley High sweater and peroxide highlights say otherwise, he claims his tongue doesn't get extra tingly around twink butt. The National Enquirer started all of this when they said that Papa Joe's marriage to Tina Simpson ended after he admitted that he's gay all the way. Then a leased twink came out and said that he 69'ed with Papa Joe on the carpet of a luxury hotel room in NYC. But Sugar Daddy Joe is telling everyone around him that The National Enquirer is spreading lies. Papa Joe wasn't sucking on that twink dick because he's gay. Papa Joe was sucking on it because he suffers from acid reflux and that twink dick was pushing the gastric acid back down. Twink dick IS nature's Tums.

According to TMZ, Papa Joe calls the gay stories "ridiculous" and none of them are true. Some of TMZ's sources think Papa Joe is telling the truth and others believe that he's just doing the backstroke on a river of denial.

On one hand, that outfit is a coming out outfit if I ever saw one. On the OTHER hand, I'd like to believe that no self-respecting gay dude would shop in the memaw section of JcPenney. But whatever, I guess I'll press pause on my dream of seeing Papa Joe dance with his shirt off to an old Lisa Lisa song during 80s night at a gay club in West Hollywood. For now, I'll just go back to seeing him as a super creepy, heterosexual perv who is obsessed with his daughter's tits.

(Pic via PCN)

Most of us haven't been able to fully enjoy a double glazed donut after reading story after story about how John Travolta's slobbery dough hole tried to gobble up any and ever man finger that came near it. And now here's something that might keep you off of Chick-O-Sticks for a while.

Papa Joe Simpson hasn't officially "come out" (and he doesn't need to when he's walking around in outfits like this), but The National Enquirer is still pouring all of his (alleged) secrets out on the internet. Bryce Chandler Hill apparently wasn't the only pretty-faced twink that Papa Joe was rolling around naked with. A high-priced escort named Joey Anderson (Side note: Click here for his Daddy Reviews page and yes, I just spent 20 minutes of my time looking for a review that read, "And he even complimented me on the highlights in my pubes!") ran off to the Enquirer to tell them about the night in May when Papa Joe paid him $600 for a little quality time at the Mandarin Oriental in NYC. Because a getting a cashiers check from The National Enquirer is more important than not breaking the ho code, Joey Anderson told all:

"Over the course of two hours or so, we rolled around, kissed and gave each other oral. We'd take breathers and then start up all over again. He seemed to have an insatiable appetite for sex and never really appeared tired. I didn’t let on that I knew his real identity, and he never mentioned anything about Jessica or his family. I’ve been with a lot of men in my life, and by Joe’s actions that night, he’s gay.

Whatever the case, I'm probably not the only one. After being a family man, and a religious one to boot, for all these years, I'm sure he's out sowing his wild oats with a bunch of boys. Joe has lived a lifetime of deceit regarding his sexuality. Before the dust settles, I wouldn't be surprised to hear about a lot more guys coming forward."

In other Sugar Daddy Joe news, Radar says that Tina Simpson found out that her husband was gargling on twink peen when she found modeling pictures of Bryce in her house and later pried a confession out of Joe in the lobby of his NYC hotel. Tina also knew that something in the milk was twink cream when she noticed that hundreds of thousands of dollars went missing from her checking account. The source says Papa Joe pulled that money out to make it rain fancy gifts on Bryce.

Papa Joe really does have a type. If your body is empty of hair, you smell like strawberry lip gloss and you've got a premium flippin' mane, then Papa Joe wants you. Some of you have already been through enough this week, so instead of picturing Joey's luscious unicorn mane falling all over Pastor Joe's gut as they get into some beej time fun, just picture them reading scriptures to each other in that hotel room. Actually, don't, because the latter image is more terrifying.

If Radar and The National Enquirer are both spreading the truth, then Papa Joe Simpson really does like to squeeze and lick the cream out of a Twinkie. The National Enquirer turned the knob and opened up Papa Joe's closet door earlier this week when they said that his marriage turned to butt dust when he told his family that he loves the dick. The Enquirer's source said that Papa Joe was slapping nuts with a 20-something boy toy and Radar thinks they know who it is.

Radar says that 21-year-old "aspiring model" Bryce Chandler Hill has been bragging to the gays in West Hollywood that he's climbing his way up the fame ladder by climbing on top of Papa Joe's good Christian dick. ONTD might've found some proof in this little flirty exchange on Twitter been BC and PJ last July. I don't know if it's because of that outfit or that flirty tweet from Papa Joe, but my b-hole just twitched itself into a temporary coma.

 Radar's source says that Bryce met 54-year-old Papa Joe through TJ Espinoza, a back-up dancer and one of Jessica and Ashlee's friends. Even though Papa Joe was lounging in the back of the closet with the lights turned off, Bryce was still blabbing about how he was boning and using Papa Joe to get ahead. None of Bryce's friends believed him until this week. The source put it like this:

“Joe Simpson being outed by the National Enquirer was no surprise to the gay community in Hollywood, Bryce has been bragging about hooking up with Joe for a while now. Bryce is close to TJ Espinoza, who in turn is good friends with both Jessica and Ashlee and worked for Britney Spears as a back-up dancer. TJ introduced Bryce to the Simpsons – and that’s how he met Joe.

Bryce claims he’s been dating Joe for roughly a year and absolutely loves to boast about it because he loves being the center of attention. He’s also been quick to tell anyone that will listen that he’s using Joe to climb the showbiz ladder. Bryce is desperate to become famous, he’s done lots of modeling shoots and wants to become an actor. When he met Joe, he knew what a good job he had done in managing Jessica and Ashlee’s careers and wanted a piece of the pie himself. But the sad thing is, he mocks and laughs at Joe behind his back. He doesn’t care for him in the same way Joe does about him."

Bryce said on Twitter that this story is made of lies.

I should've known that Papa Joe's type would be a tanning bed-cooked twink who has side swept bangs just so he can fill the air with gold glitter when he flips his hair like a Breck Girl while dancing shirtless to a Robyn song in the middle of a WeHo gay club. The kind of twink who sprays Victoria's Secret passion fruit body mist on his bleached butt flower. That would be Papa Joe's type.

But you know, I feel sorry for Papa Joe. I don't feel sorry for Papa Joe because he's getting played by a spotlight-fucking, gold digging piece of tampon lint. I feel sorry for Papa Joe because he's obviously trying to twinkify himself. Have you seen those tragic pictures at TMZ? Dude looks like Gary Busey as Ellen DeGeneres. Papa Joe needs the right gays around him. Papa Joe needs someone to tell him that wearing that sweater is only okay if you're a Wakefield twin and that hair just made Ken Paves stroke his favorite shears and promise them that he'd never ever make them commit a hair massacre like that. Papa Joe's hair is a level 10 tragedy. And that white iPhone? No words.

A mid-life crisis should not involve peroxide. It just shouldn't.

I took my gaydar to the Geek Squad yesterday, because the stupid, cheap thing didn't shoot out a stream of sparkly unicorn jizz every time I looked at a picture of Papa Joe. I guess Jessica Simpson was right behind me in line, because Radar says that she was as shocked as me to find out that Papa Joe loves the peen even though the signs were all there (huge example: that Revlon Frost & Glow hair).

Papa Joe and Tina Simpson both filed to divorce each other's ass yesterday and The National Enquirer said it was because he told them two months ago that he's totally and legitimately gay (he denies it, sort of, not really). Ashlee Simpson gasped so hard that her original nose came back and Jessica Simpson couldn't believe it. All those times Papa Joe was away from the house for hours on end, Jessica and Ashlee thought he was flashing young ladies in the park, but he was actually boning boy toy butt with his tongue. Some source said this:

“Jessica had absolutely no clue that her father was gay, not even the slightest inkling. She thinks she has very good gaydar, especially since a lot of her friends are gay, but she did not see this coming at all. It was a complete shock to the system, she feels terribly for her mom who was left reeling by the announcement and her sister Ashlee has also taken the news quite badly. Jessica’s been trying to process the information slowly, but she’s having difficulty dealing with it. She can’t understand why Joe stayed married to Tina for so long, and can't help wondering how much of their life was a lie. Despite that, she’s going to stand by him and support his decision. After all, he’s still her father and Joe’s always been there for Jessica whenever she’s needed him... And not just as a father, but as her manager too."

Poor dumb simple Jessica. Think of all the hours she spent in therapy to deal with the scars she got from watching her dad touch her tits wrong with his eyes and from trying to put on a fake smile while holding up the lace lingerie he bought her for Christmas. But Papa Joe was only checking to make sure her chichi game was in check and only bought her lingerie, because her underwear was homely. Papa Joe isn't a creepy, pervert daddy. Papa Joe's just a sassy gay dad. This changes EVERYTHING.

And my gaydar is sad, confused and hating itself for not ringing for Papa Joe, so I'm going to build its confidence by giving it something easy. Here's the German rainbow Harald Glööckler unveiling the house he designed in Berlin. "Wait, Harald's gay TOO?!" - Jessica Simpson

Why didn't I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he's an albino flamingo dancing in the wind.... Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he's free, he's going to let all his glitter out!

And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They're all like that!

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe's 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee's mother,  Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn't keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:

“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”

And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.

I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter's titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn't thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica's tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter's chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that's the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)

If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can't wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he's got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he's just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!