One Direction

In "I Can't Believe This Shit Didn't Come From The Onion" news, a few One Direction fans have been tweeting death threats to this adorable puppy named Loki. No, Loki isn't Harry Styles' new girlfriend. Those crazy children are wishing death upon this innocent puppy, because Liam Payne bought him with his girlfriend Danielle Peazer. This is some Fatal Attraction shit, which is weird, since most of those crazed One Directioners weren't even a sperm fish when Fatal Attraction came out.

Metro says that shortly after Liam Payne introduced Loki to his 9 million Twitter followers, the hate and death threats started pouring in. A few One Directioners, who obviously didn't get enough spoonfuls of crushed Xanax in their jar of banana baby food, let Liam know that they don't like him raising a puppy with Danielle Peazer, because it means he'll have less time to tweet with them. Here's some death threat tweets to a puppy that'll make you feel really hopeful about our future:

And a couple more:

"I am outraged and appalled fucking Loki the dog! That dog ain’t nothing but the scum on my shoe"

"Let’s kill him! Gun? Knife?"

You know you need to set the parental controls on your child's laptop to MAXIMUM when they tweet death threats at a puppy for stealing their man. They're going to start tweeting death threats to every spoon Liam uses, because he's sticking his tongue on it instead of them.

To paraphrase a quote from prolific philosopher Taylor Swift: There's a special place in hell for people who wish death upon a puppy....and that special place in hell doesn't have WiFi or cell phone service. You're all grounded!

Taylor Swift and One Direction all performed at Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night (pictures below) and they were all going to London the next day. Taylor Swift's flying unicorn must've been in the unicorn shop, because she took a private jet to London instead and invited her future ex-piece Harry Styles, but not the other One Directioners. So Harry had a choice. Harry could either slip into first class on a commercial plane with the other twinks in his group or he could sit on a private jet and let Taylor Swift braid his hair and sing him the song she wrote for her cat for the entire flight to London. Harry's brain must be made of cotton candy sludge, because he went with the Taylor Swift option. Some source tells The Sun that Harry's group mates are side-eyeing him something extra, because they think he thinks he's the John Lennon of the group. The source said this:

“Her presence has stirred tensions in the band as Harry’s now spending most of his time with her, and jetted into the gig on her private jet instead of coming in with the rest of the lads."

We all know how this story goes... Harry's going to spend more and more time with Taylor Swift, and then she's going to start hanging out in the studio while 1D records.... Then she'll start dropping her one cent in the recording studio and she'll tell Harry that he should make an album filled with cat songs with her instead. 1D and Harry will fight more and eventually the band will break up. Taylor and Harry will stay together until a fat Jared Leto shoots him. That's how it's going to go. Or Taylor's going to dump him next year when she starts dating Prince William's newborn baby. Yeah, that's probably how it's really going to go.

And I don't know why Lindsay Lohan is screwing around with that Max George ho. LiLo should be trying to get on Taylor Swift. Bitch has a jet!

Even though Taylor Swift has taken down every picture of Conor Kennedy from the stalker wall in her bedroom, she still closed on a $4.8 million house near the Kennedy Compound on Cape Cod, because she never knows when she'll be in the mood to stalk his ass again. Now that Taylor "Alex Forrest" Swift has moved on to her next teenage victim, the mop-headed twink from One Direction, she's looking to set up a stalking headquarters near his house in London.

Hollywood Life says that Taylor is looking for houses in North London, the same neighborhood her current piece Harry Styles lives in. Taylor "David McCall" Swift wrote Harry's initials in her cappuccino foam last March when they dated for a quick minute, but they broke up because they were never together. A source says Taylor thinks that maybe this time their love will bloom if she moves near his ass.

“She’s been interested in buying a house in the UK for a while. But after months of not really mentioning it, Taylor’s suddenly instructed an estate [agent] to get on it ASAP! She’s even asked Harry if he’ll come and look at some places with her, since he knows the area.

Taylor says the reason things fizzled out last time was because they had no time together. I’m sure their recent contact is behind her sudden enthusiasm to buy in London. She says they’ll be able to pick up where they left off. I’m not sure how Harry will cope if Taylor does move in down the road. He always talks big with girls he likes, promising the earth, but in reality I think Harry likes being single."

Does Maggie Gyllenhaal's long-lost twin sister, Harry Styles, even know that he's dating Taylor of the Sunnybrook Mental Hospital? Have they even met? Taylor was probably watching a One Direction video one day and felt that Harry was giving her the eyes through her TV screen. Now she tells everyone that he's her boyfriend and she's going to stalk him so hard until he has no choice but to seek government assistance and enter the Taylor Swift Protection Program. Whatever, by then Taylor will have a new victim and her London house will be worth twice as much as she paid.

Bitch might be crazy, but she's also a real estate mogul genius.

Here's Taylor in Japan today.

Taylor Swift is currently humping her way to her next #1 album, but she took a little time away from skipping through the lavender fields with the mop-headed twink from One Direction who I always mistake for Maggie Gyllenhaal. Taylor dropped Harry Styles' hand for a second to comfort a friend of need. Taylor gave her best friend 4 eva a shoulder to weep on, because Selena Gomez still isn't over Justin Bieber embarrassing her by wearing the most fucked up toddler outfit ever.

Taylor and Selena had dinner at an Italian restaurant and I'm sure the former told the latter not to get mad, get THAT MONEY by writing a song about the douche who hurt her in the heart. Then afterward, they drove to Selena's house, got into their pajamas and shared a raw cookie dough log while laughing about how they don't need stupid smelly boys when they've got each other! As they got higher and higher on raw cookie dough, they rolled around on the carpet, giggled.... and I'm going to stop now before I write the lezzie fan fiction that NOBODY wants to read. I've already gone too far.

Niall Horan, a member of the boy band who are largely responsible for sucking up all of the planet's resources by blowing their hair out in one direction every hour on the hour, sashayed through Dublin Airport earlier this week and greeted his fans the same way I always love to be greeted when I'm sitting with a group. Niall waved and then dropped a wet c-bomb on all of them by saying, “Remember the last time I walked out here… you shower of cunts.” I know, Niall shouldn't be yodeling out sugar sweet lyrics to the masses. Niall should be writing poetry.

But some bitches threw hate at Niall for calling his fans "cunts" and unfortunately he didn't keep with the "genitals in mass quantities" theme by telling them to eat a bowl of dicks. Niall pulled out the sowwy card on Twitter (via Idolator):

really sorry if I caused any offence. It was just banter with fans who I think of more as mates

but I understand that it's not a word I should be using at all

I usually CAN'T with anything One Direction does, because even though I have a kitten t-shirt in my drawer, I am not a 12-year-old girl, but this is hilarious. I mean, a barely legal boy greeting people by calling them Sandusky's worst nightmare? But really, what do you expect from a dude who has the last name Horan? I know, I'm jealous of Niall, because I wish my last name was a verb that perfectly describes how I like to spend every second of the day.

Looking like a giant pot of salty twink soup, the reason why your teen daughter (straight or gay since at least one of them looks like a beautiful, beautiful lesbian) and gay teen son haven't stopped screaming their tonsils raw for months bared their nipples to the sun and all dipped into the Sydney Harbor this afternoon. My brain is a place where memories die, so it's impossible for me to memorize the name of every one of these One Direction dudes. Can we just call them Danny, Jordan, Donnie, Jonathan and Joey? Or is Posh, Scary, Ginger, Baby and Sporty easier?

I know this is the part of the post where I'm supposed to say which one I'd hit, but the answer is none of them. I'm serious. I just can't slobber all over a piece who wasn't even born when my first pube sprouted up and who looks at me with question marks in his eyes when I start quoting Maid to Order! But you know who's not like me? Madge. I bet she's down in her dungeon, running her claws against these pictures and drawing a circle around the one she's going to order first.