OctoMom

This is a story about overcoming adversity and triumphing in the face of indomitable odds. It should be told and re-told by every generation. Octomom says that she pole-danced her way off of welfare!

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Of course, you don't take so many fertility drugs that your vagine busts open and emits 8,000 people but what's done is done.

Octomom has been causing the patrons of skripper clubs and peeler bars across the country to shield their eyes and beg their waitress to "make it a double" by sliding that 14-passenger pussy up and down the vertical brass. And apparently it pays better than waitressing in a diner so intensely that you fall and Donna Summer squats down beside you to comfort you and you give her a "hands off, lady. I'm strictly dickly" side-eye. And she needed the scratch, cuz' she didn't plan ahead for what life would be like with a grip of children AND NO DISCERNIBLE PLAN TO RAISE THEM IN A FINANCIALLY STABLE HOUSEHOLD. This bitch.

Sources say that Octomom has not renewed her welfare cycle, and made SIX FIGURES (!!!) awkwardly slapping her buttcheeks for a terrified audience while tottering around in some truly wretched outfits. Vice squad arrestees from 1983 wouldn't be caught dead in that shit. It's like a "Over Her Head Mommy's First Prostitution Whore"outfit.

Octomom proved that her welfare adventure was just a temporary thing! She'll never have to go on the dole again. Six figures will last FOREVER when you have 14 children. Yep. By the way, I refuse to pay taxes anymore.

Sucio bitches who saved up wads of dollars bills to rub against OctoMom's c-section scar during her stripper debut at T's Club in Florida made a sad in their pants after she canceled that shit due to the club's employees throwing shade at her during an interview with a local news station. But because the rent is always due, you can't buy collagen injections with an EBT card and 14 screaming kids are always hungry, OctoMom re-booked at a different club in Florida. Octo made her stripper debut at Playhouse Gentlemen's Club in Hallandale, FL this past Friday night and I can't believe people didn't make it rain unused Pampers on her ass instead of making it rain dollar bills.

TMZ says that the fap porn superstar dropped her ass, did the #imbirthingmoney move (see picture above) and even gave a half-assed lap dance to a lady on stage. Octo made sperm counts instantly drop when she licked a lollipop as a sexy school girl and spanked herself while stripping to RiRi's S&M. Octo spanking herself is seriously some Fifty Shades of NO shit.

TMZ has more pictures if you that's what you need today and every single picture serves as a very important warning. If you get a back alley doctor to stuff your baby making area with two handfuls of embryos, you might give birth to your own personal child army. Then in to support that child army, you'll have to awkwardly work the pole at a Florida strip club while wearing the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. I'm all for Octo getting money, bitch, but I'm not for Octo doing it while wearing some "Minnie Mouse working the discount section of the ho stroll" shoes.

There really is someone out there for everyone even if that everyone is five hundred layers of insane, has 14 screaming kids at home, is freshly bankrupt, has lips like stale gummy worms and wears pigtails out in public. (Nothing is more tragic than a grown ass woman wearing pigtails and not in a "role playing as a slutty schoolgirl" kind of way. Okay, even that is tragic.) TMZ just happened to be at LAX yesterday when the bombshell of the San Gabriel Valley got picked up by her 15th kid: a 23-year-old amateur bodybuilder named Frankie G. Yes, OctoMom's got a man. Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll.

Apparently, Octo met her new piece Frankie G at church and they've been dating for around two months.

I want to be happy for Octo that she's finally letting peen into her dusty octobox after 13 years of swearing off dick, but something about this isn't right. Who in the hell could take Octo's soul-killing maniacal cackle as you tickle her octopussy in her bedroom while outside the door her band of unruly kids burn the house down and tag their gang name onto the walls. This is obviously a stunt and I want to say that the only one in that duo who's getting good dick is Frankie G. But I can't fully say that, because I don't know any self-respecting gay dude, even a straight-for-fame gay dude, who would sit in the same car with a grown bitch wearing pigtails. (Nina Hagen not included)

Here's Octo pursing her mouth pillows at The Chio Morning Show's celebrity pillow fight (I can't with ANY of that) in King of Prussia, PA over the weekend.

For the one of you who didn't immediately hit the I QUIT THIS BITCH button after reading that headline, you're as sucio as me and we'll be disgusting together. I seriously can't avert my eyes from the dead-eyed, slow-moving train of crazy as it crashes into a pile of dirty diapers and sadness. I even watched a few uncensored clips from OctoMom's self-love porn and the most offensive thing is that one of the sets looks like a P.F. Chang's. How will I ever enjoy a serving of Mongolian beef the same way ever again?

To promote her debut fap porn, Octo and her jack-off guide Jessica Drake went on Howard Stern yesterday. Octo pulled Howard's dick when she said that achieving her first chocha seizure on camera opened her up to a whole new world and she can't wait to explore more of her sexuality. Basically, Octo used a lot of words to say, "A CHECK IS A CHECK!" So because Octo can't get enough of rubbing love into herself, Howard brought out the Sybian and she jumped on. This clip is totally NSFW unless your boss is okay with you screaming for mercy.

And I don't know what terrorized my ears more today: Octo's fake orgasm yodels or the new Carly Rae Jepsen song. Definitely, the latter.

And OctoMom's manufactured O face is the exact open-mouthed, wonk-eyed face I made while looking at most of these pictures. My eyeballs really tried to escape by rolling to the back when I landed on this picture of Octo dressed like a forgotten Rock of Love Bus trick who buys all of her clothes at gas stations and rest stop gift shops. I mean, how did that vest happen?

OctoMom's fap born debut titled "Octomom: Home Alone" is coming out (apologies for the things that pun did to your stomach) next week and Wicked got the party started by giving these censored pictures to TMZ. Usually, I'm cursing at a black bar for being a fun hater by blocking the goods, but I'm okay with them this time. We're cool. They're doing good work by keeping your coffee down.

Unless a video of Charlie Sheen masturbating with a rubber octopus toy while looking at these pictures makes the rounds, this is the most disturbing thing I'll see all day. There's nothing more depressing than watching a broke, destitute ho tap at her chocha (while surrounded by fucking baby clothes) to feed all 14 of her kids. And you're not supposed to wash onesies on a board with your coochie out. I think I learned that rule on Pregnant in Heels or something.

Rubbing her octopoon on camera opened OctoMom up to a whole new world of ho shit opportunities and she's taking one of those opportunities by flying to Florida to shake her titty bags on stage at one of West Palm Beach's finest strip clubs. Since the zombie apocalypse has desensitized everyone's sense of sight, T's Lounge decided now is a good time to hire OctoMom as a featured entertainer.

TMZ says that Octo will do two shows a night from July 11th to the 15th. Those of you hoping to find out if Octo's got two sets of duck lips will have to wait until her fap porn comes out later this summer, because she's keeping her chonies on at T's Lounge. Octo will only go topless and won't be giving lap dances in the champagne room. T's Lounge will pay Octo thousands of dollars to rub her c-section scars against the stripper people.

So to recap, OctoMom is going to awkwardly tweak her half-naked baby making machine body to Creed's With Arms Wide Open at a Florida strip club. This sounds like my kind of event. Dlisted field trip!

And before OctoMom gets on the pole, they should slather that pole with spermicide and wrap it with layers and layers of condom rubber. I know Octo's last batch of babies came from IVF, but I still believe that bitch is so damn fertile that if her crotch came in contact with an unsanitized stripper pole, she'd find herself knocked up again.

From Tan Mom to OctoMom. I'm really blinding you with the stars today.

Because desperate times call for fucking yourself on camera for a check, OctoMom rubbed her way into masturbation porn at a mansion in the San Fernando Valley on Thursday. TMZ was told that Octo's first time putting some finger love on her octocoochie went well and if she had the urge to start bawling so she could scrub herself clean with her own tears, she at least waited in the car to do it like a true professional does! Octo apparently had a case of the nerves when she first got there, but after talking with a few porn stars and watching some fuck time movies, she was all ready to get down. Someone who was on set said that she was "a natural and looked great."

I'm happy that Octo's getting paid, but damn that is going to be some awkward shit. This is the same crazy ho who went "ewwwww" at Howard Stern when he asked her if she's ever had a little peen on her tongue. Octo claims she's never had an orgasm and hasn't been tickled down there for at least a decade. So the camera is going to catch the sexy moment of her flicking the webs away with her fingers. Just every layer of NO. Bitch is not going to know what to do. It's going to be like watching me try to make a fish pie without a recipe. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to watch it, but only because my face muscles need some exercise and they'll get a lot since I'll be cringing the entire time.

The truth is, if I wanted to watch someone NOT have a good time during sex stuff, I would've made sex tapes with my past boyfriends. Seriously, one time I looked up at one of my boyfriends and caught him checking his cuticles. Instead of going "oooh aaaaah" on the inside, dude was like, "Should I get a manicure?"

OctoMom has 15 mouths to feed, doesn't have a steady job, gets at least $4,000 a month in public assistance, is losing her house and owes her creditors $1 million. So in order to dig herself out of the mountain of bills that is bigger than the mountain of dirty diapers in her kitchen, she can either try to sell some of her kids to Brangelina ("This one looks really good wearing all black, Angie!") or she can declare bankruptcy and tap her octopussy on camera for a check. Octo is going with the second option. I'll wait here while you update your "Things I Don't Want To Put My Eyeballs On But Will Put My Eyeballs On Because I Like To Feel Dead Inside While Watching Porn" list.

Octo tells E! News that she's hoping to start over financially by taking a Magic Eraser to her outstanding invoices from Verizon Wireless, Orkin Pest Control (note: that joke is too easy), the DMV, a Christian school, Sparkletts, Indy Mac Mortgage and a few utility companies. Octo filed for Chapter 7 on Friday and in the documents she says that she has $50,000 in assets and $1 million worth of liabilities. Octo went on to tell E!:

"I have had to make some very difficult decisions this year and Filing Chapter 7 was one of them. But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start."

Because Octo's financial state is as broke as her sanity, she's signed up to do solo porn for an unnamed adult entertainment company. A source tells TMZ that Octo is getting more than the $10,000 she got from Closer for posing sort of topless, but who knows if she's getting close to the $1 million Vivid offered her ass a while ago. Octo has vowed a million times over that she will never go against her morals by doing porn, but she doesn't see this as porn since she's keeping her hands to herself.

My stomach just filed for Chapter 7 just thinking about Octo rubbing on her coochie tentacles. Didn't Octo say that she's celibate and hasn't hugged her clit with her fingers in years?! Not only is this video going to fuck with our faith in porn, but it's also going to be depressing, boring and uncomfortable as all hell. That mess should be marketed as an educational video on how NOT to do yourself. Watching Octo try to rub out an orgasm is probably like watching John Travolta try to figure out how cunnilingus works.

The crazy who said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten, was talking about this right here.

When TMZ said last month that OctoMom was getting $2,000 a month in food stamps, I couldn't figure out how she could feed a family of 26 (including her multiple personalities) on such little money. Well, I don't have to worry about the OctoKids eating each other's boogers for nourishment while locked in their baby prison, because she said in an interview with Good Morning America that she's actually getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month from California taxpayers. It's good to know that when Octo feeds her child army breakfast by putting out a giant bowl of water in the backyard, she pours Cheerios brand Cheerios in there instead of the generic brand Cheerios that come in a plastic bag. You know which one I'm talking about.

Octo was on GMA to defend herself against those pictures of her Baby House of Terror. Octo's hairstylist, the one she paid $520 for a Brazilian Blowout, ratted a bitch out by giving the pictures to TMZ and the La Habra Police Department. Octo told GMA that she was set up and it's not as bad as it looks.

On her chirruns bonding with nature by going caca in potty training toilets in the backyard, because her indoor plumbing was busted: “She (the hairstylist) thought it was unacceptable that they’re, you know, half-naked, goin’ potty. I mean, moms out there, come on.” (Note: The toilets in her house are fixed now.)

On how she didn't lock her children up in the bedroom. She put the chair there to keep them out: “I didn’t want the kids to go in there at the time and one of my older kids jammed the chair up there so they wouldn’t keep opening and closing the door."

On how she paid $520 to maintain her hair beauty when she's on public assistance and doesn't have a steady job: Octo says the $520 included a Brazilian Blowout and haircuts for the entire family. "I am making money, though. I have jobs and can afford it."

On how she's getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month in food stamps: "It’s almost over. This is our last month on help."

Why do her 15 thousand kids need haircuts, anyway? Suze Orman needs to nail this bitch with another clue. You don't need to pay someone to cut your kid's hair when you can do it yourself. Kids can have jacked up hair, they're kids! Growing up middle class, my mom could afford to take us to MasterCuts, but when she didn't feel like it she took us to the backyard and cut our mops herself. All you need is a pair of scissors, two semi-working hands and the ability to hold in a laugh when your kid ends up with a haircut from the HERP DERP look book. My sister's hair couldn't look more fucked up if she cut it herself in the garbage disposal. It had layers, alright, and each layer was more messed up than the next. It was the 80s, though, so we just looked New Wave. See, Octo's kids can bring back New Wave glamour!

And as for Octo, bitch's hair looks fine and it doesn't need a blow job from Brazil. What Octo needs to do is go out into nature, lay down on the dirt and wait until some stupid birds mistake those bushy brows for hairy caterpillars. Let their beaks fix her eyebrow situation, because it needs fixing bad.

It's (NSFW) Lurid Digs: The BABY!!! Hoarder Edition!

If I had 14 kids living under one roof with me, my house would have the word Ayúdame (written by me) scrawled on all of its walls, there would be used heroin spoons scattered all over the floor and every door would have been pulled off of its hinges. Obviously, I'd use the doors as a shield against all the baby poop thrown at me on an hourly basis. Basically, my house would make Grey Gardens look like the "after" shot in an episode of Clean House. But that's why I don't have 14 kids! Which leads me to these pictures from TMZ of OctoMom's House of Horrors. Honestly, I expected a lot worse. Don't get me wrong, it still looks like an abandoned mental hospital turned crack house and I'm sure it smells like a diaper genie's fart times a million, but I still thought it would look a whole lot more disgusting.

Octo's hairstylist (I'll get to that later) gave TMZ the pictures after she filed a complaint with the La Habra Police Department. Stephanie the hairstylist told police and TMZ that the house is covered in graffiti and it has only one working toilet. The kids have to use potty training toilets in the backyard. Octo tried to get the plumbing fixed, but she decided against it after a plumber told her it would cost $150. Stephanie says that the children run around pantless and some of them even have to sleep on the floor since there's not enough mattresses for all of them. Oh, and what's locked behind door number WTF in the picture above? It's not Octo's sanity! It's her kids. Octo told Stephanie that sometimes she keeps them in the bedroom. Do not show this picture to my dog or he may use the same trick on my ass.

La Habra police as well as Child Protective Services paid a visit to Octo's house and looked around for about 90 minutes. They ruled that none of the kids are in immediate danger, so they didn't remove any of them from the house and will continue to investigate.

And about Octo's hairstylist, even though she's still on government assistance and refuses to pay $150 to fix the toilets, she wrote Stephanie a $520 check for two haircuts and a Brazilian blowout.

Octo's house is a mess, the children are pooping in the backyard, their sleeping pads were made by Lumber Liquidators and it's only a matter of time before they declare mutiny on her by drowning her in baby piss, but at least her hair looks hot, right? Who cares about the needs of children?! Nothing else matters when your beauty is intact.