Nicole Kidman is 5 or 6 months knocked up and I have a bigger belly than she does and I'm not even pregnant.....or am I? SHIT! I better run to Duane Reade, buy an EPT and stick it up my ass. Yes, I know you're supposed to piss on it, but I heard you get faster results if you stick it up your culo. A doctor told me this or was it a crackhead? Same thing!
Botox mommy came out of her bat cave last night to support Keith Urban at the CMT Music Awards last night. Their baby is going to be the size of a kidney stone! I wish I was the size of a kidney stone. Then I could crawl through key holes and sleep in lettuce cups. Seriously!
Here's more of Bronzer and Baby Powder at the CMTs last night.
Nicole Kidman is in talks to unleash her voice of a thousand angels for the film version of "Nine." Rob Marshall of "Chicago" fame will direct the movie musical.
Nine the musical is based on Federico Fellini's 8 1/2. It tells the story of a man whore director and all the hos in his life.
That tall drink of Spanish hot chocolate, Javier Bardem, will play the director. The cast also includes Penny Cruz (Carla), Marion Cotillard (Luisa) and Sophia Loren (Mother). Nicole is in talks to play Claudia. Judi Dench is also in talks to join the film as Liliane La Fleur.
Shooting is set to begin this September. I have no idea when lil' botox baby is due, but are they going to push back for Kidman? She's totally going to induce labor, so she can have the baby earlier and star in the movie. That Kidman is really dedicated to her craft. Bitch needs a calgon bath and a lemon soda spritz. Relax Kid!
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban went on a lovely stroll on Bondi Beach in Sydney today. They were probably discussing what they are going to do when Nicole's face falls off due to lack of Botox injections. It will be fine. The baby won't be scared at all. The baby will confuse Freddy Krueger for its mommy, but that's not such a bad thing. It won't cry during horror movies.
Some women usually want a glass of wine after giving birth, but Nicole is going to scream for Botox.
The video above is loud and there's screaming in it, so I'm warning you. If you play it and your co-workers call 911, because they think you are being murdered then that's on you. Anyway, bat-faced Nicole Kidman's bodyguard went batshit crazy on a paparazzi photographer and started beating his French ass. It seriously sounds like the bodyguard is choking Frenchie Homer-Simpson-style.
Nicole was in the car in front of them. She probably sat there smiling. Not because she was happy about it, but because she can't move her face!
Visit Flynet to see pics of the pap's face. He seriously got beat down hard!
The Daily Mail posted this picture of Nicole Kidman and a bat. Don't ask me which is which, because I have no idea. They say knocked up Nicky has a bat face from too many botox injections. The article is long and they interview a doctor about botox, but the picture is the star.
I'm not even stoned, drunk or having sugar hallucinations and I'm still laughing. I mean, she was in Batman Forever. Who knew bat faces could deliver such laughs. They don't even really look the same, but it's a bat face! You don't even want to know what I'm thinking about her fetus and the bat face. I need to go watch "Touched by an Angel" to set me holy again.
Yesterday, I posted a little item from Cindy Adams' column about Nicole Kidman allegedly drinking white wine at the Oscars even though she's got an ice cube in the ice box and a husband on the wagon. Nicky's publicist is pissed and is ready to shank a bitch named Cindy Adams.
Catherine Olim, Nicky's pr whore, issued this statement, "I try to ignore your column, unlike most of the rest of the world, because it is so nasty. But I have to tell you that Nicole Kidman most certainly did NOT drink white wine or any other alcoholic beverage backstage. She had water and lemon zinger tea. That's it. I know, I was there with her. I cannot remember the last time that Cindy Adams got anything right. She's an idiot, and you can quote me."
Who knew Nicole had such a hot publicist? Cindy and Catherine should settle this like professional ladies....DEATH MATCH! My money's on Cindy. She's probably filing down her dentures right now into little sharp spikes.
Boozing backstage during the Oscarcast is a no-no. But if you're pregnant Nicole Kidman it's a yes- yes. She wanted white wine. She got it
Here we go with the "should you drink wine while knocked up" argument. It's not like Nicole was doing tequila body shots. She probably saves that for the privacy of her own home. Besides if I was Nicole's fetus, I would probably need some white wine too. White wine, a blunt and a heating blanket. It's probably cold in the ice queen's ice box! She better not over do it, because then her baby will come out with three eyes and Tommy Girl will try and kidnap it. He will think it's the alien baby of his dreams! Everything Suri Cruise is not.
Nicole also probably loves boozing while her sober husband watches with juicy lips. Ha ha ha! Me drinkey winey while you drinkey juicey! Ehehehehehe!
Nicole Kidman is pregnant and she should just be pregnant and content. I wish I could be pregnant. I lie. I don't want pregnant farts and I hear that shit is deadly. Homey needs to stop fucking with her mug! Now I'm going to take her side and say she didn't have anything chemically done with her lips. She probably let a scorpion sting her lips or some shit, because she was desperate. Either that or she let a skunk piss on her mouth. Skunk piss is like liquid acid! I'm sure whatever she did, it was natural. I have faith in Nicole.
Here she is at the Tokyo premiere of "The Golden Compass." Nicole also seemed to want to show off her very small baby bump. I can't believe she's due in June already. I'm already thinking of names. I like the name TomCruiseIsACrazyBitch Kidman Urban.
Nicole Kidman is pregnant, so maybe her hormones are effing with her sanity. She obviously doesn't know the difference between right and wrong, because this dress is WRONG! It looks like something Tommy Girl would prance around in. Nicole, it's time to move away from Tommy Girl. Put away his clothes.
Nicole barely has a baby bump, but I can see her unborn baby covering his eyes in embarrassment. Nicole needs to take her vitamins, because she's obviously not well.
Here's Nicole at the Tokyo photocall for "The Golden Compass." She's looking so....fresh and tight. She must have hired scientists to scour the Amazon looking for some kind of rare monkey pee to replace her beloved botox.
Nicole Kidman was out in Sydney with her trainer and revealed a very small bump. Exciting. Not really, but you know. She also kept her forehead hidden. Damn her! I want to see her botox-free forehead. It's probably so droopy that it's laying on top of her sunglasses. I don't know how her forehead is going to survive many more months without its favorite poison. She's totally going to get snap-on bangs to hide her shit.