Nicole Kidman

This is one of the first pitchers of Rob Marshall's Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and a bunch of broads. The picture needs a little visit from Photoshop, because it's looking like a pageant photo from Miss Drag Queen World 2008. In case you have no idea who some of those bitches are, they are from left to right:

Judi Dench (in the Suri wig), Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Fuggie Fug, Nicky Kidman, Kate Hudson and some random trick in the back trying to sneak into the picture.

Of course, Nicky has to have the spotlight on her wax figure-looking ass. It's probably not even a spotlight. It's the toxic glow you get from too much Botox.

The people in front of Fuggie must be wearing raincoats and carrying umbrellas. Fuggie's got her legs open for business and she's a known squirter.

Wait...I think that's Daniel Day-Lewis' head down below in front of Fuggie's geyser hole.... I really, really hope he was wearing a gas mask.

That giant bag of Botox and lie-telling, Nicole Kidman, is making the rounds promoting that "Australia" movie and she talked to Glamour magazine about giving birth to Sunday Roast. Put on your "bitch, please" dress and read what she had to say:

"Keith was my rock during childbirth. I'd heard horror stories of 40 hours of labor, and I was sure that would be me, but I had a very easy labor. And through it all, Keith's eyes gave me such strength. "I'm in a place of gratitude and humility. I don't take any of it for granted. I touch wood every day. The journey of life — we all go through it: You have love, you lose love, you find new love. To have love again is a beautiful thing."

It's easy for her to touch wood. All she has to do is touch her forehead. And don't roll your eyes or queef with your mouth! I'm sure she chipped a nail while writing the check. And I also bet she got a small rash on her belly from wearing that pillow so much. AND she couldn't let the Botox needle touch for a while and you know that had to hurt. Imagine the panic attacks she went through when she looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny, little wrinkle on her forehead!! She probably developed migraines from pulling her forehead apart with duct tape and twine. So Nicky did suffer a bit!

VIA UsWeekly

Nicole Kidman was somehow able to open up her mouth and given an interview to Parade Magazine about everything from her precious pillow baby to how she doesn't consider herself a vain person. Basically, the bitch told a bunch of lies. I would say that her nose probably grew during the conversation, but you know that shit doesn't move. It's totally made of Botox.

Nicky on Sunday Roast: “I’m raw and emotional. I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to have it. To have been given it so late in life—I’m so ready for it. And I think giving birth to a child, as a woman, is what we’re born to do. I don’t mean that to sound sexist, because many women don’t get to do it, and I thought I was one of them. But at the same time, if you are given that gift, it’s an extraordinary thing.”

Bitch can only cry tears of glycerin, because there's no way any liquid can squeeze out of those eyes! Nothing is getting through any of her ducts! The Botox army is making sure of that shit. And when she said Sunday Roast was a gift, she really meant it literally! Sunday came wrapped up in a beautiful box with a gift receipt attached.

Nicky on vanity: "I'm not enamored with youth. There isn't wisdom in youth. My own sense of vanity is not that strong. I get ready in five minutes. I'm not a mirror person. But I like to look healthy -- the youthfulness is in health. It's very important. Maybe that comes from my mom having breast cancer. I've seen people suffer. So my desire to stay agile -- I want that! I want to be able to run and walk and hike, and get out there. I love being outdoors and I feel caged if I can't get out. To see the sun come up -- it puts me in a place to go, 'What a great day.'"

You know that Carly Simon song? Well, it was really written for Nicole Kidman and not Warren Beatty. You know my idol, Vanity the singer? Prince named her in honor of Nicole.

This bitch is full of shit! I mean, full of Botox! If she wasn't "enamored with youth," the Botox factory would have to shut the fuck down.

Click here to read the rest of this shit and to see a gallery of how Nicole went from fug to frozen.

This award goes to the Photoshop artiste who worked on this cover and Nicole Kidman's in-house team of Botox engineers who work night and day to keep her forehead looking like it's made out of fucking polished marble. You could roll out a kick ass pie crust on her forehead.

Sunday Rose probably has more wrinkles on her face than Nicole does. Elle should have just shot a vial of Botox in a green dress. It would've looked like the same shit. I mean, I've seen mannequins who look more life-like.

Here's more of the Botox queen and her frozen face in Elle. Nicole actually deserves a little credit for holding up her face on the cover. If she let go, her whole mug would just fall to the floor.

If you're in a rush to get knocked up, quickly head on over to the Australian town of Kununurra and dip your vagina in their waterfalls. You will be pregnant before you can say "botox." In an interview with Australian Women's Weekly (via AP), Nicole Kidman says swimming in the waterfalls of Kununurra might have had something to do with her unexpected pregnancy.

Nicky was in Kununurra to shoot the movie "Australia." She said six other women who also swam in the waters also got pregnant. "I never thought that I would get pregnant and give birth to a child, but it happened on this movie. Seven babies were conceived out of this film and only one was a boy. There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming in the waterfalls, so we can call it the fertility waters now."

She went on to say that right after she put her ice cold vagina into the waterfalls, a friendly stork with a silly hat flew by and dropped Sunday Rose into her loving arms. A dozen fish jumped out of the water holding a bassinet made of crystals and silk. Then a magical mermaid touched Nicole's forehead melting away all the wrinkles. The rest is history....

Seriously. Nicole should be thanking Serta for her pillow baby.

Nicole went on to talk about her fairytale pregnancy. "I'm so lucky I'm so tall, so I carried small and also, I have to say, I had a birth that I was blessed with, a labor that was very good and a baby that was very good to me in that regard. To be given this again is a beautiful thing. To have raised Bella and Connor since I was 25 and now to be able to do it again at 41 ... wow!"

Cut to Nicole's baby oven screaming, "Bitch, please!"

When I first saw these pictures of Nicole Kidman strolling around in London, I thought she was taking a bunch of pillow cases and sheets to the laundromat. And then I noticed the small, little pale hand peeking out. At least, I think it's Sunday's hand....

Here's more of Nicky looking like Jacko in a blonde wig while going into a studio in London. The Daily Mail also has a few pictures of Sunday's little ginge top. Sunday has bit of ginge which mean she MUST be Nicky's bio-baby, right?

Nicky Kidman, Jenny Garner and Tommy Girl are laughing all the way to the bank and they don't even deserve it. Forbes put out their annual list of the 10 Most Overpaid Movie Whores in Hollywood and these three topped the list.

Forbes came up with the top 10 by looking at the ho's last three major movies. They didn't count supporting roles, limited releases or movies where the ho got paid less than $5 million. They compared the whore's salary with the movie's profits (if there were any).

Not surprisingly, the box office poison queen, Nicky Kidman, was numero uno. I think she injects some of that poison into her forehead.

Here's Forbes top 10:

1 - Nicky Kidman - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $1 of gross income.
2. Jennifer Garner - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $3.60 of gross income.
3. Tommy Girl - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
4. Pizza Face Diaz - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
5. JLo - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.10 of gross income.
6. Jim Carrey - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.11 of gross income.
7. Nic Cage - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.16 of gross income.
8. Drew Barrymore - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.38 of gross income.
9. Will Ferrell - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.67 of gross income.
10. Cate Blanchett - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.97 of gross income.

They should have done a Most Deserving list instead. There would only be 3 bitches on that list: Marie (aka Snobby Salesperson #2) from Pretty Woman, Chuck Norris (he would end me with his cold stare if I left him out) and Otis from Milo & Otis.

It really doesn't. It looks like Nicole Kidman took one of those creepy Jabbawockeez masks to her plastic surgeon and told him that's what she wants her face to look like. I think Vivica Fox and Nicky share the same DuPont-trained surgeon.

I mean, how does Nicky eat, blink, burp or suck dick? Silly me. She doesn't do any of those things. She spends her days with her face over a fan to keep it from completely melting.

Here's forever frozen Nicky and Keith out in London tonight. And yes, it was only 2 months ago that a pillow came from under Nicky's shirt. She dropped the extra feather weight in no time.

Look! It's the first picture of Sunday Roast! She looks just like a.....pillow? Not even a fluffy pillow! Nicky Kidman could have fluffed her up for her big debut in Australia!

Nicky and her frosty tipped husband arrived in Sydney yesterday to introduce their 1-month-old baby to family and friends. Apparently, the whores of the media have been creaming Vegemite over this. HA! Vegemite! My Australian friend haaaaates it when I make fun of Vegemite. It's like sacred to her.

Nicky called into the Jackie O radio show this morning to talk about her beloved Sunday Roast. She said, "She looks like Keith. She's got a little bit of hair. … It has a bit of a reddish tinge." Keith added that she is "a bit of a mix of Nicole and me." Okay, so she sort of looks this then?

She went on to say that they will be in Australia for the next four-weeks and she asked the media for "a little space so we can walk around Sydney and show the baby our town. Just a little bit because she’s tiny, she’s not a doll, she’s a real little thing. Just not right in our face or her face because it’s scary for her, she’s tiny. A tiny little thing." Not a doll? A real thing? There's no need to touch that one. It's been touched and then some. And Sunday doesn't give an eff about sightseeing! She just wants to fart and bathe in Vegemite in peace. Vegemite! Shit, I'm in trouble.

The paparazzi are apparently doing everything they can to get the first clear shot of Sunday. Nicky and Keith are expected to release one photo of Sunday for free. But the paps said the first shot could get around $5 million. You hear that? It's Saint Angelina cackling on her throne. Her twin messiahs shit $5 million!

Here's a few blurry pictures of the Botox Queen with Sunday Roast leaving her sister's house.

Nicky Kidman supposedly popped out a baby two weeks ago, but you wouldn't know that the bitch was pregnant at all. Nicky already has her skinny bitch body back. Although, I'm not sure she ever looked totally knocked up. Overdosing on botox seriously works wonders.

Sunday Rose must be the size of a rose petal. No wonder Nicky and Frosty have been out so much. They are able to take Sunday Rose with them. She sleeps at the bottom of Nicky's pocket.

Nicky also needs to pay a visit to Frosty's hairstylist. Her hair is like part memaw and part tween girl. It's fucking strange. Her hair is in the Twilight Zone.