Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman was all ready to try to move her face again for Woody Allen in his new movie, but that's not going to happen anymore. Nicky has suddenly quit that bitch. Nicky didn't give a reason and no replacement has been named yet.

The movie which starts filming in London this summer stars Nicky's friend Naomi Watts, Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins, Freida Pinto and Josh Brolin.

The other day, I smoked a bowl and was feeling kind of brave, so I decided to watch all 10 million hours of Australia. Hugh Jackman is hotter than a Mother's Circus Animal Cookie baking in the sun, but Nicole...... Nicole..... Her face. It was like watching a piece of wet chalk with a little hatlet on top. Maybe that's what Woody should do. Save himself some coin by casting another actress and just put a piece of chalk in Nicky's place.

Source: Entertainment Weekly

I don't understand Nicole Kidman's new commercial for Schweppes.

I mean, Nicole is supposed to be some wax alien creature in India who befriends Rubina Ali from Slumdog Millionaire. The two run off to some gazebo by the water where they touch each other's faces. Rubina is probably transfixed with Nicole's frozen mug, because it feels just like an empty plastic yogurt container. After that ridiculousness, Nicole runs off to her room while unzipping her dress. She runs into Bollywood star Argun Rampal in the hallway and starts to give him a kiss, but instead she shuffles off. When she's inside her home, she grabs a bottle of Schweppes, drinks it, says "What did you expect?" and then giggles like a dumbass. Cut to Rubina inside of the room giggling with Nicole. WHA?! Touching a child's face by the water? Turning down a hot piece for soda? Unzipping your dress for absolutely no reason? This makes no sense.

But the biggest WTF moment is Nicole drinking Schweppes without vodka, gin or even rubbing alcohol. Ick. Nast. Who drinks that shit straight up?!

VIA Jezebel

Nicole Kidman showed up to the Academy of Country Music Awards with her wee little calico kitty-haired husband and wearing one of Breathless Mahoney's old ones. While Nicole decided to wear something old, she also wore something new. I'm talking about her lips. Did she stuff those things with even more generic-brand vegetable oil?! I know her lips usually look like Michelle Duggar's labia lips after a Brazilian wax, but this shit has gone too far. Nicole's lips are looking like two overstuffed pieces of sausage that were boiled too long and started to split. Nicole just can't let go of Tommy Girl, because I bet he has a matching pair on his Scientolohole.

For the first time in a long time, I don't have the sudden urge to throw Nicole's face back and forth with a friend in the park, so that's a good thing. It still doesn't move, but I spot one wrinkle, so she's making improvement. Lastly, let's talk about that hair. THAT HAIR! It needs a bowl of Werther's Originals on top, because that shit is memaw-approved. That gerartric mop screams "Mah social security check is late!"

I haven't seen the alleged epic kangaroo shit pile known as Australia, so I can't comment on Nicole Kidman's performance in it, but I can comment on her FACE. The face that is thisclose to looking exactly like Julie Masking. This is probably what made Nicole so uncomfortable while watching her own movie.

In an interview with a Australian radio station 2DayFM (via LA Times), Nicole said, "I can’t look at this movie and be proud of what I’ve done. But I thought Brandon Walters and Hugh Jackman were wonderful. It’s just impossible for me to connect to it emotionally at all."

Change out the word "movie" with the word "mug" and then she's finally speaking the truth. Oh and while you're doing that, also drop the "it" and add an "anything." There, fixed.

Nicole also said, "I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?' "

She went on to tell Keith, "Um. Can you just give your answer in words, because I can't see your face. The light beams from your shiny highlights keep ricocheting back and forth off my forehead."

Personally, I don't think Nicole Kidman is a shit actress. But it's probably hard to convey raw emotion when your eye ball falls out every time you try to move a muscle in your face.

The Great Gatsby is the only book I read in high school from cover to cover. The other books I had to read, I used CliffsNotes or asked around in AOL chat rooms. Aw. I loved AOL chat rooms. You could suck cyber cock in one room while asking literature questions in another. Sweet memories.

So because it was the only book in high school I cared about, I'm a little fucking grossed out that Baz Luhrmann has bought up the film rights. This will be the fifth The Great Gatsby movie. My personal favorite is the TV version with Mira Sorvino, because it's a hot steaming log of diarrhea covered in obese maggots.

Baz thinks it's a perfect time to do a remake, because everyone's money is burning. Baz said, "If you wanted to show a mirror to people that says, 'You've been drunk on money,' they're not going to want to see it. But if you reflected that mirror on another time they'd be willing to. People will need an explanation of where we are and where we've been, and 'The Great Gatsby' can provide that explanation."

People don't go to the movies to think! They go to see soft core fucky times, bitches shooting each other and talking animal friends. I know for a fact that they don't go to the movies to see Nicole Kidman, so if Baz is thinking of casting her as Daisy, he better change his name to Spaz and crawl into a kangaroo pouch.

I can totally see him casting Nicole, because he's all up on her rubbery snatch. Nicole is no Daisy! The bitch ain't even the plastic daisy bouquet from the clearance section at Big Lots that sits on my mom's living room coffee table.

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Australia the movie is basically tanking everywhere from the US to its homeland. Because Nicole Kidman has an epic failure on her botoxed hands (you know she does), this means it's time for Sunday Roast to get to work to help promote this piece of shit movie!

Nicky Kidman and her frosty-topped husband dragged Sunday Roast all through Paris this morning. Nicky is in France to promote the movie that not even kangaroos want to see.

I know you're thinking that just because her name is Sunday Roast, it must mean she's always warm, but I doubt this is the case. She must be one frozen little roast from being that close to the ice queen herself! Damn. Is Nicky taking baby dressing advice from Tommy Girl? Probably.

While some baby is kicking the back of my chair during my flight today (that always happens to me), Nicole Kidman and her indestructible forehead will guard the gates of Dlisted. Nobody can get through this bitch. You can fire a cannon at her forehead and that shit will bounce back right at you. Tommy Girl can shoot Travolta jizz nuggets out of his Scientolohole and he will fail. Don't even try to break through her forehead.

Just make sure to feed her some mashed up prunes every 30-minutes or so.

Below is Memaw Nicky, her possum-haired husband, Hugh Jackman, his granny and Lauren Bacall at the NYC premiere of "Australia" last night. One really fucking hot film reviewer had this to say about Nicky's performance in that shit: "She can't act. Instead, she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I'm-looking-interesting blue eyes. " Yup, that sounds about right.

I'll post more shit when I land! Don't forget to wipe!

At yesterday's "Australia" premiere in Sydney, Nicole Kidman actually held her own umbrella. I didn't know celebwhores were even capable of this. I thought their precious hands were deathly allergic to umbrella handles. Nicky really doesn't even need an umbrella. Her face is already water-proof. When a rain drop hits her Botoxed mug, it immediately bounces off. It could hail all over her ass and she would barely know it. Shit, there could be a Category 7 around Nicky and her face wouldn't feel a damn thing.

During last night's premiere, Nicky also pulled a Saint Angie Jo and said she may want to take a break soon so that she can go off and have more pillow babies. Collect all 4! Nicky said, "I'm in a place in my life where I've had some great opportunities, and I may just choose to have some more children. There's many things I want to do besides act."

Acting? Is that what she calls it? And I love how these dumb bitches basically brag that they have the luxury to stop working while everyone else slaves away in their cubicles, gritting their teeth, trying to make ends meet. Stupid whores. I'm going to tell Nicky exactly what I said to Saint Angie Jo: don't let the door hit you in your Tupperware mug.... Actually, if the door did hit Nicky in the face, it would bounce off its hinges and possibly hit an innocent person. Yeah, crawl out a window instead, Nicky.

Here's Botox's #1 fan with Hugh Jackman at the premiere last night and also with him and her other "Australia" co-star Brandon Walters at a photocall earlier in the day.

Nicole Kidman will play the world's first post-op tranny who is married to Charlize Theron in old timey Copenhagen. File this under: Greedy bitches want another Oscar!

The Hollywood Reporter says that Nicky will produce and act in "The Danish Girl," based on a true story about two married Danish artists who gained international attention in the 1930s after the dude (Nicky) gets the world's first sex change.

It all started in the 1920s when Greta Wegener (Charlize) asked her husband Einar to stand in for a chick model she was supposed to paint. The portraits became the fucking shit in Denmark, so Greta asked her husband to keep up the charade. This leads to Einar deciding that he wants a vagina instead of a peen, so he gets it chopped off. This of course causes drama in their marriage.

Anand Tucker, who directed "Shopgirl," will direct this tranny mess. Pre-production is going on right now, but it's not known when shooting will start.

This shit is like a reversal of "Victor/Victoria" with the cheery singing and dancing numbers getting replaced with raw emotion and a sullen musical score.

I hope they're going to throw in a scene early on where Einar gets some fucking plastic shit injected into his face. That will explain why his mug doesn't move.

And riddle me this, can't they get a fucking man to do this shit?! Or better yet, Tilda Swinton! That hot piece was born to play this role! They are going to ruin a perfectly hot tranny story by making Nicole the lead. Not only does the bitch kill her own facial expressions, but she kills movies too!

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This is one of the first pitchers of Rob Marshall's Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and a bunch of broads. The picture needs a little visit from Photoshop, because it's looking like a pageant photo from Miss Drag Queen World 2008. In case you have no idea who some of those bitches are, they are from left to right:

Judi Dench (in the Suri wig), Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Fuggie Fug, Nicky Kidman, Kate Hudson and some random trick in the back trying to sneak into the picture.

Of course, Nicky has to have the spotlight on her wax figure-looking ass. It's probably not even a spotlight. It's the toxic glow you get from too much Botox.

The people in front of Fuggie must be wearing raincoats and carrying umbrellas. Fuggie's got her legs open for business and she's a known squirter.

Wait...I think that's Daniel Day-Lewis' head down below in front of Fuggie's geyser hole.... I really, really hope he was wearing a gas mask.