Nicole Kidman

Dressed like a weak-handed day-shift dominatrix forced to supplement her income by selling Mary Kay to the old ladies at the retirement community she illegally lives in, Nicole Kidman showed up to the NYC premiere of her movie Just Go With It with her frosty headed husband Keith Urban. (Thank the hell for Keith, because somebody has to keep Sun-In in business!).

Nicole Kidman wore more leather than a Scientology dungeon party hosted by John Travolta. You can send in your complaints to 2-year-old Sunday Rose, because she picks out all of Nicole's outfits. Nicole said this mess to UsWeekly at the Oscar nominee luncheon on Monday.

"She chooses what she calls 'pretty dresses,' so she has a very strong voice in terms of what I will be wearing on the night of the Oscars. Fingers crossed, guys -- I could be wearing a tutu!"

Did Nicole miss a few pieces when she pulled out the microchip Tommy Girl implanted into the back of her neck on their wedding day? Because that sounds like a quote TG would type into the iPhone app that controls Stepford Katie's speech. Nicole better keep a jammer between her ass cheeks at all times so this doesn't happen again.

Even though Nicole was probably telling jokes, I hope she isn't. Because then it won't be long before Sunday Rose and Suri Cruise are announced as the new co-hosts of What Not To Wear.

The Dorchester in London put Nicki Minaj and her entourage out on the curb and it wasn't because she walked through the lobby wearing a wig that looks like one of Paris Hilton's bed sheets under an ultraviolet light. It also wasn't because Nicki's presence inspired a fan (let's call her Arethanna) to bring her chichis out for an autograph. The Daily Mail says that The Dorchester evicted Nicki, because her crazed fans graffitied an elevator and disturbed the peace. Nicki laughed about that shit on her Twatter:

long day of press only to find out we've officially been kicked out the hotel! Lmaoooooooo. Rescue me barbz!!!! Pleeeeeeeasse *martha voice*
2:16 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

S/O all the kids outside the hotel just now. It got a bit CRAZY but I rlly appreciate ur support. Hopefully the next hotel will be nicer :)
2:25 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

And they said yesterday while I was out doing press, a fight broke out and an ambulance was called for 1 of my barbz.
2:29 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

Nicki's London "barbz" must be having a strange allergic reaction to the toxic fumes wafting off the poisonous spider legs glued to her eyelids, because they also caused a MAN DOWN CODE 10 scene at a London club last night. Nicki's appearance at the club Runway was canceled after a full-on brawl broke out inside.

I'm not sure if getting kicked the hell out of a hotel because of something your crazy fans did is a new kind of hardcoreness or completely embarrassing. I'm going to go with the latter. That shit ain't rock n' roll. Letting your fans do the fuckery work for you?! I mean, Nicki should've at least broke a light bulb or clogged a sink with her 10lbs of make-up, so she could say that The Dorchester just couldn't handle her. Amy Wino is so disappointed.

Let's just rename this site Dilatedlisted, because BABIES!!! are crawling on almost every single post. And this time, we weren't even expecting this baby. Even hos who aren't pregnant are having babies! TMZ reports that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have a newborn baby girl named Faith in their lives. No, Nicole never had a little faith in her (GONG!!!). Baby Faith was born on December 28th via a surrogate. Keith and Nicole are her biological parents. They had this to say to TMZ:

"Our family is truly blessed, and just so thankful, to have been given the gift of baby Faith Margaret. No words can adequately convey the incredible gratitude that we feel for everyone who was so supportive throughout this process, in particular our gestational carrier."

Nicole isn't even trying to hear the pillow baby rumors this time around, so she went straight to a surrogate. It's a good thing for the economy, because Botox would've closed their doors if their #1 customer had to stay off the needle for 9 months. But congrats to Nicole and Frosty Locks! And I hope that in 15 years, Sunday and Faith form a pop gospel duo. With names like that, it's really their only choice in a career.

Natalie Portman's baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)

Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress - Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie's performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she's worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.

But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton's most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!

Here's a few more pictures from last night's show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag, Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.

When Nicole Kidman stared at her bathroom mirror and said to herself, "My name is Nicole Kidman and I AM a Botox user," even her surfboard forehead twitched at the STUNNING admission! It had no clue! After years of denying that she's dabbled the filler needle on her forehead, Nicole gives us a confession worthy of a "Yup, I've Used Botox" cover of People Magazine. Nicole tells some unnamed Germany magazine (via Daily Mail) that she's messed with Botox before, but she's happy to announce that her face is now preservative free and would fit right into any organic section at any grocery store. Go ahead and raise your brow even though Nicole physically can't.

The interviewer from the unnamed German magazine (aka ProbablyMadeUp Weekly: German Edition) asked Nicole how she keeps her face as smooth as a mannequin's crotch. Nicole responded with: "I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help. I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore - and I can move my forehead again. I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything."

And seconds after Nicole said that last part, the skin worms on her mouth sprung a leak and Juvederm sprayed everywhere. Nicole's assistant had to run up and plug the leak with epoxy putty. But yeah, completely natural!

Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman star together in Just Go With It (aka Not Another One Of Those Fucking Aniston Rom-Coms) and to promote that mess, the former interviewed the latter for Harper's Bazaar. Jennifer starts the article with a little introduction:

I remember the first time I met Nicole Kidman. We were at a Golden Globes party in 2005 and—typical Hollywood story—we share an agent. I remember meeting this tall, beautiful woman who was there with her mom and dad. I was completely starstruck, while she was nothing but gracious. Nicole had just seen one of my rom-coms, as they call them, and was instantly kind and complimentary. I loved her immediately.

Close your mouth, Jen! I know Nicole Kidman has the complexion of your favorite Marie Osmond doll that gets prime real estate in your nursery, but break your boner and pull back! And then Jennifer started to ask Nicole questions. Instead of asking Nicole important questions like if she's ever been styled by Suri or if she kept one of Tommy Girl's prostate simulators as a souvenir, Jennifer asked the usual:

JA: I feel awkward getting into interviewer mode, but tell me about your life in Nashville with Keith [Urban] and Sunday Rose. How long have you now lived there?

NK: Five years.

JA: I was just down South in Georgia, and it was heaven to be away from all the irritation of the cameras and all that hubbub. Was moving to Nashville something that both you and Keith wanted to do?

NK: It was perfect timing, because I had nowhere to live. I was living out of suitcases when I met Keith. I suppose in the back of my mind I was waiting to meet somebody. And I wanted it to be that if that person didn't live in New York or Los Angeles, I would be able to move. In the back of my head, I was thinking I may have to put my roots down somewhere. I was going to move to Oregon.

JA: Oregon? It's gorgeous. I understand that absolutely.

NK: Yeah. I love living a ways away. That's what I've worked for in my career, to not have to live in Los Angeles. So it was fortuitous that Keith happened to live in Tennessee. He brought me down to this place called Leipers Fork, just outside of Nashville, very lush and rural. I just went aaah. You know how you dream as a girl; I'm one of those people. I would meet a guy, then I would imagine myself married and with kids within the first hour. [Laughs] But it worked out.

JA: When you two first met, Keith said he saw you walk into the room and you just floated. Yes, I watched him on Oprah! Did you feel it as instantly as Keith felt it?

NK: I remember thinking, Oh, my God, if you ever gave me a man like that, I promise I would be completely devoted for the rest of my life. Something that wild. I remembered praying after I met him that I'd meet somebody, if not him, like him.

And after Jennifer asked Nicole which specific prayer and/or code words were used since she always gets a busy signal when she's asking God to bring her a man, she continued with the question asking:

JA: On that note, I can't wait to see you, whenever that is. Good luck and congratulations on Rabbit Hole.

NK: Thank you, my darling.

JA:You said when you won the Oscar for The Hours in 2003, it was such a lonely time for you.

NK: Yeah. It's strange how life gives you the best and the worst. I was probably at my least happy when I won it. And I was single. It was a strange time....

JA: Do Isabella and Connor come down to Nashville a lot?

NK: No, they don't. They're not crazy about Nashville. They're so grown up now. I mean, they're adults.

JA: You are in such an amazing place now. What do you think you would tell your 20-year-old self?

NK: That you're going to meet the love of your life. My whole thing, my whole thrust in life, was hoping I would.

Okay, Jennifer was doing her best Lois Lane until she got to the very last question. Why is it in almost every damn interview, Barbara Oprah Couric Sawyer Lauer has to ask the "What would you tell your 20-year-old self?" question. That question is the damn worst. I'd tell my 20-year-old self that if in the future somebody asks you THAT QUESTION, tell them to fuck off.

As Tish Cyrus trolls around the door to Kip Winger's bus hoping she'll be able to ride that peen while crossing another name off her cum bucket list, Billy Ray hit the carpet at the CMAs in Nashville tonight wearing a mullet that'll make any middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier lock her drawer, take the rest of the day off and invite him over for a little sweet tea under her carport. Business in the front, party in the back where a trash can full of Meister Brau is on ice and Noah Cyrus will carve you a fresh piece of raccoon from the barbecue.

And you can almost smell the matin' odor wafting off of Billy Ray in these pictures. He's ready to git him another wife woman! Sandra Lee better curb her cocktail time or she might go from the First Lady of New York to Billy Ray's main mullet fluffer.

Here's a few more pictures from the CMAs tonight so far. In order: BR, Carrie Underwears, Katherine Hagel with Josh Kelley, Lindsay Lohan a hot bitch named Lynn Anderson, Julianne Hough, Kellie Pickler, Sandra Lee, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban and Falcor Rimes.

At yesterday's Hollywood Foreign Press Association Luncheon in Beverly Hills, Nicole Kidman showed up with her hair covered in ginge! Yes, I'm sure Nicole's weave was yanked out of a dozen Anne of Green Gables dolls, but it's still ginge so I'll take what I can get.

And for the first time in a long time, guests at the party didn't throw salt water on her lips after thinking that mutant slugs were attacking her mouth. So maybe Nicole eased up on her nightly ritual of injecting Antifreeze into her lips. Although, one guest did try to chip off a piece of Nicole's forehead to put in their cocktail....

Nicole Kidman showed up to an Omega charity event in Hong Kong last night looking like her chichis are starring in a remake of Far and Away. One titty is staying to the east, the other staying to the west. Battle lines drawn!

Some are saying that Nicole's nipples swallowed a Ziploc bag filled with silicone, and others think her Civil War titties are the work of a push-up bra. My ass thinks that Nicole's face is so overcrowded with Botox that some of that shit migrated to her Cold Mountains to find an empty home. You know her nipples are cooing, "Come back to me....come back to Cold Mountain!"

Heidi Montag will make her feature film debut, and surprisingly she won't be playing the role of Billy in the next Saw movie.

HuffPo says that Heidi has been cast alongside Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman and Brooklyn Decker in the comedy Just Go With It. I guess all the Dollar Store Dolls and factory-defective Real Dolls in Los Angeles were otherwise engaged.

Heidi Twatted the apocalypse-summoning news. I also threw in a couple of her Twats that really need to be seen:

I was just cast in my first feature film comedy! I start filming monday!!!!!
4:13 PM Mar 10th via mobile web

memorizing my script for the feature comedy movie I am filming all next week
12:40 PM Mar 11th via mobile web

I love Jesus and the infinate love and light above
2:57 PM Mar 11th via mobile web#

I love the US Coast Guard so much! They have the coolest gazelle helicopters that fly over our house all the time. GO NAVY! love you guys!
33 minutes ago via web

Unfortunately, Heidi isn't playing Nicole's long-lost twin twister who was separated from her on the plastic surgeon's table. Heidi is playing herself. Again, there wasn't even a wig-wearing dildo (Kim Zolciak doesn't count) available to play the role of Heidi Montag?