If you happen to see a head covered in a helmet of blond hair flying by your window, it's just Nancy Grace! Nancy's head exploded, because Jodi Arias was found guilty of first-degree murder today. Who is Nancy Grace going to scream at now? I was going to say Ariel Castro, but he's not a pretty white girl, so Nancy Grace will have to keep trolling the police scanners for the next object of her shrieking.
Detective La Toya has hung up her magnifying glass now that she's officially gotten to the bottom of EVERYTHING and I've been waiting to see who would inherit to her deerstalker cap. Enter crazy ass bitch Nancy Grace who wants to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING, everything being Whitney Houston's death. It's looking like Whitney's Calgon nightmare happened because she overdosed, but Nancy Grace isn't buying it. During an interview with CNN the other day, Nancy said she wants to know who gave Whitney those pills and who let Whitney drown in the tub. Dun dun dun...
"I'd like to know who was around her, who, if anyone gave her drugs...and who let her slip, or pushed her, underneath that water? Apparently, no signs of force or trauma to the body. Who let Whitney Houston go under the water? They were medicating her out the yin-yang."
"Is this going to medicate me out of the ying-yang?" is what I'm going to ask the clerk at CVS when I buy my next box of Claritin, because that is a phrase that needs to be used more often.
I'm happy that Detective Nancy is searching the foggy cobblestone streets for clues into the death of Whitney Houston since somebody has to, but somebody should also investigate why Nancy Grace suddenly cares about a case that doesn't involve a missing white woman. Something in the milk ain't clean about that.
Here's a clip from Monday night's Dancing with Nancy Grace's Personal Pan Nipple of someone's body part making a noise. Either a bitch's stomach let out a feeding time howl or a bitch's butt let out a pooping time howl. The fart (or low-octave queef, or whatever that was) in question sounds it's coming from Nancy, but she has already told TMZ that it wasn't her, her partner or Brooke who is physically incapable of making a fart unless she's instructed to do so on a teleprompter. I believe Nancy. Nancy gets paid top fucking dollar to blow bubbles of shit air out of her mouth on her HLN show every night, why would she do it for free when she's off the clock? It was just the sound of the demon that lives in her body and operates her soul letting out a looooong ass burp.
By now you've probably already pulled out your eyeballs with rusty pliers, marinated them in a pot full of boiling chloroform and shoved them back into your sockets just so you can send a roll of duct tape to the Dancing with the Stars Costume Department Attention: Nancy Grace's Nipple Handler (aka Satan). But coming to Dlisted proves that you hate yourself so you might as well fully hate yourself by getting a second serving of Nancy's NSFW succulent titty pepperoni.
It was only a matter of time before "Nancy Grace nip slip" became the #1 search term on AOL in the ninth circle (Yes, in the ninth circle they only have dial-up AOL with NO SECOND PHONE LINE). Last week, Nancy's chichis were jumping around like her sanity cell trying to find the door marked "Exit" in her brain. It was bound to happen. Nancy's dance partner is a hot piece in every way so you really can't blame her chichis for popping a boner of sorts.
But seriously, Nancy's peek-a-boo nipple plate was a win for three reasons: a) The West Coast cutaway shot of the NOT AMUSED audience members was the perfect response to Nancy's slippery nipple. b) A Nancy Grace nip slip is like a "Who's the sexy bitch now?" wink at Casey Anthony. c) Dancing with the Stars definitely needs more nipple slips (I'm looking at you, Tom Berg). It should really just be Nip Slipping with the Stars.
Here's Nancy doing the Quickstep as her nipple did the Quickjump:
And Nancy's nip might've been the breakout (literally) star of the night, but the runner-up was definitely the hot lady on Tom B's right who got some much-needed camera time before J.R. Martinez's dance:
Must've been hypnotized (or temporarily blinded) by the nipples in the air.
The devil was dancing last night! Literally.
Nancy Grace's daughter, that precious little angel who is already an expert at perfect timing, joined America in giving her mother's TV dance debut two boogers, a nostril hair and a wet finger. Shut down the voting lines, because I can say with complete confidence that Nancy Grace's daughter picks for all of us now. Actually, I take that back. If Nancy's daughter pulls out a juicy hairy dingle, the judges might think that means all her votes go to Nancy.
Slutty Floridian murderesses went wild last night, because the one Luciferling who always has one eye on them had to look away for a minute to seduce the audience at Dancing with the Stars. It was the moment that millions of genitals passed out without help from a chloroform cloth.
The opening package where Nancy Grace swirled her humongous tits around like she was stirring an imaginary witch's cauldron with them was so terrifying that I hope Casey Anthony sees it every time she pulls her eyelids down. And then when Nancy Grace dragged her chichis of destruction out from behind that desk, she looked like Thomas the Tank in Eddie Izzard drag. Like a bewigged Hulk on happy gas.
You know, Nancy does have some rhythm and the Satanic sparkle in her eye told me she was having fun. But that's probably because she used her powers of imagination (and you know she has one of those) to pretend that the dance floor was Casey Anthony's grave.
I give Nancy's performance three mucous drops from her daughter's nose.
Then there was Chaz Bono!
Before the show even started, some "inside source types" whispered around that Chaz's skills were going to make Kate Gosselin look like the spirit of Ginger Rogers slithered up into her asshole to dissolve the stick up there and take over. But Chaz wasn't that bad. As one of my friends said, Chaz dances like Grimace and looks like fat John Goodman in Death of a Salesman, but I was expecting a stiff ball whose out-of-breath wheezes had more rhythm than his moves.
I give Chaz one corroded nugget and a wet hair from Nancy's daughter's nose.
As for which trick will be voted off and melted down into the oil used to run that robot Brooke Burke, do you even have to ask?
I'm surprised George Clooney didn't drop this womp womp trick a long time ago. With the sad way she tries to move her hips, you can tell she's a flop at the strap-on helm.
If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.
And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.
Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).
Facing a lynch mob of hos who really need to take a sign making class from Miss Calm Down Dee, Casey Anthony did the free bitch stroll out of a Florida jail house a little after midnight this morning. Casey and her lawyer Jose Baez got into an SUV and drove to the nearest movie theater showing Sarah Palin's documentary The Undefeated since even the crazies who are out for her head won't dare step in there. No, TMZ reports that the twinkle in Nancy Grace's eye is putting the HO in Ohio this morning. It's reported that a private plane carrying Crazey Anthony landed in Columbus, Ohio a few hours ago.
The best part of Casey's walk of no-shame out of jail is the sound of all her witch hunters screaming out boos, because I'm sure that's the same sound Nancy Grace hears when she walks into her twins' nursery in the morning.
I don't know why Casey wanted to get out of prison so badly. The crazy bitch had it made in there. Dumb fucktards sent her money and I doubt anybody screwed with her out of fear that her application for a job at the prison nursery would eventually get accepted. The media is going to find out where she's living and once that happens a steaming pile of hot shit will never leave her front lawn (aka Nancy Grace will permanently relocate her show to Casey's front lawn). Bitch is fucked.
Speaking of fucked bitches, is it just me or would you not be surprised if Casey pops out a smug-faced Baez Baby in nine months. Seriously, the look on both of their faces as they walked to the SUV is the same "I'm gonna git some face" I make when I get an e-mail saying that my membership to Corbin Fisher has been renewed. No, I'm totally wrong. Obviously, Casey's first post-jail romantic moment will be on an episode of Blind Date with Joran van der Sloot.
The thorn in Nancy Grace's Botoxed hair helmet was sentenced to 4 years in the chokey this morning for telling lies to the police about the disappearance of her 2-year-old daughter Caylee. But bitch will go from behind bars to dancing topless on top of a bar by the end of the summer!
Even though Judge Belvin Perry, Jr., who talks so slow that I was done emptying a cup full of dried molasses onto a table before he spit out 4 words, gave Casey Anthony a year for every count she was found guilty of, she will be given credit for the three years she's already served. CNN reports that the judge, the prosecutors and Casey's lawyers are currently working with the corrections department to figure out the exact number of days she's served. It's looking likely that she'll be doing the celebratory Girls Gone Wild tit flash outside of the jail gates by the end of this month or early next month.
Casey Anthony really had it in her head that she was getting out today, right? Bitch was ready to go. Just look at that subtle Wino party hive on her head and that Tommy Girl sweater that's easy to yank off as she goes in for her fourth morning mudslide at T.G.I. Friday's. Bitch has even got her thumbs out like she's ready to scoop out the last bits of a Jell-O shot from a plastic cup. Oh, well. I guess that multi-million dollar book deal, truTV dating show and paid endorsements from Disney World (take that, Universal Studios) will have to wait. Hey, don't judge Casey! Bitch has got $4,000 worth of court fines to pay. It's not like she can chloroform those fines and hide them in the swamp.
UPDATE: Bitch will be out on Wednesday.
The 10-minute long clip above is not an SNL sketch starring Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen and Will Ferrell. It's the ring leader of the Casey Anthony Circus, Nancy Grace, and her company of crazed freaks verbally smearing shit on their padded walls over a Florida jury's decision to acquit the object of their lunacy: Tot Mom. Nancy disappointed me earlier when she creepily calm about the Casey Anthony shit, but the deranged bitch made up for it on her show later on when she declared that the devil is dancing tonight! Yup, the devil definitely dropped it low to the sound of a bow of insanity scratching against Nancy's vocal cords. YES!
Watching the ends of Nancy's Labyrinth wig catch on fire over this mess is my new favorite sport, but that's not the best part. The best part is when that Sue Moss nut job opens her mouth and out comes a sandpaper sack full of screeching squirrels. It's what it would sound like if Donald Trump scream coughed into a Gilbert Gottfried fart. If hos really want to punish Casey Anthony, they should just play Sue's voice on loud speakers in front of her house every morning. That is a voice that'll make you dig into the wooden floor boards with your fingernails to find the gateway to Hell.
And now that Casey Anthony is probably going to go free, can we end this sexual tension by putting her in a cage with Nancy Grace! Nancy has been rage flirting with Casey for YEARS and that's the only reasonable way it should all end.
When Casey Anthony was given the go ahead by the jury to make up for 3 years of hard partying, my first reaction was to cover my ears and take cover under a table, because I just knew pieces of Nancy Grace would come flying through my window at any second. Because if anybody was going to gnaw their fingers off and then spit the bits in the face of the jury out of disgust, it was going to be Nancy Grace. Because whatever is left of Nancy's sanity has been a speeding White Bronco throughout this entire trial.
So I was a little surprised, disappointed and looking for a refund when I watched Nancy's reaction to the verdict. Why didn't Nancy sprawl her legs out on the desk, give birth to a Lady Justice replica made of her internal organs and then repeatedly punch it in the face? Why didn't Nancy do this?! My only explanation is that Nancy was exhausted, because her head popped off her body, flew all the way to The Soup studios in L.A. and landed on Joel McHale's lap.
Oh, fucking well. We'll be able to witness a real Nancy Grace meltdown when Casey inevitably joins the cast of Dancing with the Stars, and when she gets paid six figures for a spread in Hustler Magazine, and when she releases a tell-all/cocktail recipe book, and when she becomes one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses, and when she shoots a Skinemax movie with Lindsay Lohan...