Marc Jacobs

The men all paused when Seth Meyers walked into the room at last night's CFDA Awards in NYC wearing the "slutty, preppy pilgrim in mourning" look Marc Jacobs wore to the Met Ball last month. We've got a good old-fashioned fashion off! Bitches, take your corners and get ready to strut to the death.

Marc Jacobs: Marc gets a grand total of zero points, because even if he's giving sass, he ruined the whole look with those blinding white boxers. Unless he's wearing piss-catching panties underneath those boxers, imagine all the shaking he had to do at the urinal to keep his peen from leaking on those shorts. VPS (visible piss stains) bring out the Kardashians and nobody wants that.

Seth Meyers: Seth gets all the points, because he did this as a joke and even if he didn't do it as a joke, he has the nipples to pull it off.

So Seth Meyers wins! Now can we drop that entire tragic ensemble into Anna Wintour's witch cauldron so we don't have to ever see it again?

The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen's smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren't making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don't totally look like they're chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I'm typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don't trust those bitches even if they look human now.

Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, "sophistimicated") look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla's mouth and took over her body. I shouldn't give that Trollsen any ideas.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins' daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.

Well, here's one way to get your picture in The Daily Mail. Marc Jacobs left Louis Vuitton - Marc Jacobs: The Exhibition in Paris last night with leather daddy Peter Marino and bitch looked like if Sweet Valley High crashed into a drag queen's Thanksgiving party. This is what it would look like if there was a J.Crew, a Liberace boutique and a Plymouth (Crack) Rock shop on the Mayflower and I don't like it. Sometimes you just have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I look like a second grade girl circa 1981 who totally half-assed it for the Thanksgiving pageant?" If the answer is yes, have a seat on one of the orange plastic chairs until your legal guardian shows up to take your busted ass home.

That being said, if Suri Cruise wore this mess, I'd probably declare it the greatest outfit of our time.

All is well in the world now that Marc Jacobs and his ex-fiance Lorenzo Martone are back to meticulously manicuring their pristine as fuck face beards together. Marc Jacobs took a ten second break from Lorenzo to break his brown sugar walls on the mole rat-sized dick of Brazilian fuck star Harry Louis, but he was struttin' his ass next to Lorenzo in St. Barts yesterday afternoon.

Marc and Lorenzo are in St. Barts with Chupa Zoe and Chupa Jr., and thank EVERYTHING for that. The people of St. Barts would throw themselves into the mouths of open sharks if they noticed that a soul-sucking demon beast was on the island, but they were too busy to notice because they were getting hypnotized by the flecks of glitter that spark off of Lorenzo and Marc when they wink at each other.

I'm not even mad at the fact that Marc's torso looks like the doodled-on book cover of a lonely 15-year-old girl who sits in a bathroom stall during lunch hour and thinks she's the reincarnation of Thora Birch's Ghost World character. Marc looks like the damn head coach of Lisa Frank's gymnast team.