MAN DOWN CODE 10

Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT'S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton's cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi's net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn't really apply here. It's like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?

Sources say that they can't agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don't we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she's not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton's dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming "Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!" he has Demi on the other side screaming...well, some unintelligible shit because she's wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN'T ASK FOR A DIME....TWO! DOLLARS!!

It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi's toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn't seen "girl" since the late 80's, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I'm tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

After burying her beloved Corgi Monty, this is the last thing The Queen needs today. It's the last thing any of us need. Those stuntin' minions from deep within the musty asshole of Hell are using Prince Hot Ginge's name for some shameless publicity. A rep for the Taliban (yes, they have a rep and no, they don't share one with the Kardashians...I think) announced today that now that they know PHG is stationed at Camp Bastion at Helmond, they're coming for his crystallized ginger ass cheeks. Monday is already gross and now it's gotten a lot grosser, because I'm actually copying + pasting a statement from the damn Taliban (via The Daily Beast):

"Prince Harry came to Afghanistan and he is a high value target for us. We will try to arrest him. Because he is an Apache helicopter pilot, he will target us more. If we are not able to arrest him we will target him."

The Taliban also said that they think sending PHG to Afghanistan is just a propaganda stunt to take the attention away from his naked Las Vegas antics. Yes, they actually said that. Then they kiki'd about Kristen Stewart looking like a haggard skank at TIFF and flipped through Chanel's lookbook to guess which dress Blake Lively wore to her wedding. Those bitches. If they ever get close to PHG, he'll just drop his panties and that will make them drop their guns and pick up their iPhones to take pictures of his royal ginger scepter. And you know, they'll sell those pictures to TMZ too.

Those bitches better watch out, because Prince Hot Ginge WILL gladly fuck all 72 of their virgins and then some.