Madonna

The Sun is reporting that Baby Jesus' favorite burp nurse Madge has been offered 1 billion fucking dollars to pop her pussy and bust her biceps in a Las Vegas show for five long years. ONE BILLION DOLLARS. Somebody at The Sun must have been sniffing Wite-Out way too fast again, because there's way too many zeroes in that number. $1 billion for a dinner theater floor show starring Keyboard Cat, La Toya Jackson, Antoine Dodson and La Tigresa del Oriente, YES! $1 billion for a show starring Madge, NO.

The Sun's sources says Madge is thinking about possibly accepting the $1 billion deal. But LVRJ's Norm McDonald says there's no way she was offered $1 billion. A Las Vegas entertainment agent says that in order for her to make $750 million a year, the average ticket price for her show would have to be $200 and she'd have to do 5 shows a week for 50 weeks. The agent added, "That's impossible. She's not going to work 50 weeks."

Celine Dion recently signed a new 3 year deal with Caesars Palace worth $100 million and she only has to do 70 shows a year.

Norm McDonald also dug up a Madge quote from a few years ago when she was asked if she would ever do a sit-down in Las Vegas. At the time she said, "That's insane. I hate Las Vegas. I couldn't bear it for five minutes."

This is true. That heat would instantly melt the silicone cutlets in Madge's face. Bitch would have to travel around in one of those air-conditioned True Blood coffins. Actually, I think she already does. AND how is she going perform her midnight beauty ritual of slathering her entire body with blood from a virgin's inaugural menstrual cycle when there aren't any virgins in Las Vegas! Poor Baby Jesus would have to crawl deep into the desert to find one. Yeah, this isn't happening.

The nickname Vadge is temporarily on hiatus, because lately Madge has been keeping her crotch tomb of souls covered with layers upon layers of clothes found in the Salvation Army donation bin. Seriously, there's Baby Jesus airing his armpits out in London while Madge is bundled up like she's got the old people chills. And she's wearing pajama bottoms!

Bitch looks like the crazy lady down the street who feeds the alley cats frozen fish sticks and keeps her porch light on at Halloween even though not one kid dares knocks on her front door. On the other side, those corn rows make Baby Jesus look like a street hustler who shakes his ass in a jock strap at an after hours Latino gay club.

These two are getting weirder and weirder by the second. I like where this mess is going.

For a while there, Vadge's face resembled a shellacked plate of chicken parm an Italian restaurant displays in their front window to lure in tourists. So it's nice to see that the pores on her face are breathing in real oxygen with the rest of us!! Yay.

It's also nice to see that she's the one holding on to the crucifix. Usually the town's children are the ones holding the crucifix at Vadge's face when she gallops into the square on Baby Jesus' back. Yay, the encore.

Here's Vadge celebrating her 52nd birthday a couple of day early at Shoreditch House in London with two of her children, Lourdes and Baby Jesus.

Looking like she should be lying in bed while yelling at Little Edie to feed the cats, Vadge is seen here directing her movie W.E. in the South of France today. I'm not sure, but that looks like a cigarette in her hand. Doesn't smoking mess with the breathing exercises she does during daily 15-hour yogapilatesvirgineatinggyrotronic sessions?

You know, Vadge has been hanging around Taylor Momsen, the hardest bitch on the jungle gym, lately. That explains this. I swear, that Taylor Momsen is such a bad influence.

Whenever you need an outfit that just screams the following:

"I like to smoke and so what in your ass if you don't like it!"

and....

"Miley Cyrus is the kind of bubblegum shit that I chew up and spit out for breakfast! Oh, did I say breakfast? I meant brunch, because I'm so rock 'n roll that I don't get up until 12!"

and....

"Hooooooty who give an eff about Haiti?! I don't! BAM!"

You automatically go to the anarchy emporium that is Macy's, right? So it only makes sense that Madonna and her daughter Lourdes picked 16-year-old edgy rebel Taylor Momsen to be the face of their new clothing line Material Girl, which will only be sold at Macy's.

Yup, that's Taylor Momsen. You probably didn't recognize her ass since she doesn't have half of the burnt charcoal from your barbecue on her eyes.

And now you know where to go if you want to look like the baddest bitch in the sandbox. I'm already scared of you.

via Daily Mail

In a brand new set of Dolce & Gabbana ads, a nice Italian family gets a visit from a Photoshopped alien wearing a shellacked mask made out of the inner thigh skins of a dozen newborn babies. The ad campaign features many poignant and touching moments. Let's go over them, shall we:

Thumbnail #1: Vadge happily meets her next boy toy for the first time! The look on her next boy toy's face says it all.
Thumbnail #2: Vadge right before she sacrifices a couple of chickens for the Gods of Youth by chewing their heads off, slathering their fresh blood all over her face and then running in a circle while pounding at her cheeks (aka one of her nightly beauty rituals).
Thumbnail #3: Vadge toasting to the pair of toddler nalgas that were just inserted into her face.
Thumbnail #4: Vadge throwing shade at her former face (HOW RUDE!).

A couple of weeks ago, UsWeekly told everyone that the forever pretentious Fishstick Paltrow and the equally pretentious Vadge ended their pretentious friendship and now hate each other with the passion of a million violent bowel movements. The image of Vadge dipping her pen (made from the bones of her victims) in a jar of virgin's blood and crossing Fishy's name off the invitation list for Baby Jesus' bris sponsored by Vita Coco water did lift me up a few times. But sadly, there might not be anymore images like that since it looks like Vadge and Fishy are friendly-ish again.

At a Diane Von Furstenberg event in London last night, Fishy and Vadge looked sort of happy as they posed together for a few pictures. Fishy didn't try to destroy Vadge by reciting a few lines from her latest edition of GOOP in Latin (you know she's fluent), so that means they don't totally want to murder each other.

And I've already used way too many key strokes to barf about Vadge's cheeks, so I will just say that she looked as handsome as a midget piano player in her custom made suit from The Butch Clothing Company. Fishy on the other hand.....BEAT!!! Bitch looks like she just got done with a 250-day fast which involved only licking ice cubes made of purified rain water from the Amazon and never addressing her friends by their nicknames (Nicknames are toxic to Fishy! TOXIC, I tell you!!!!). Although, I think she needs to fast some more because the oily residue from the bullshit in her system is starting to seep out of her pores which is making her look all greasy. Biore that bitch!

Here's more pictures from last night's party including Posh's ridiculous ass and Valentino. Just a warning, you might want to rub SPF: 1,567,998 over your eyeballs before clicking on Valentino's picture, because staring at him will give you melanoma in the retinas.

This is not a step-by-step training video for wannabe vampire grannies on how to hunt and catch young pieces to suck the youth out of. This is Vadge's commercial for her new line of fashionable cataract sunglasses. Because why shouldn't an oldie look like a superstar sex object at the Bingo game?

Something tells me Vadge only put out a line of sunglasses so that she could partake in yet another photo shoot where she grinds her crotch all over a dude who is younger than the shoulder pads in her cheeks. No shade from me. Ride that gun, granny! Gititgitit.

If Vadge's "Express Yourself" video and a remake of her "Human Nature" video done by round-the-way trannies borrowed Lady Caca's prosthetic penis to fuck each other in the Showgirls costume closet, it would look just like Xtina's "Not Myself Tonight" video. Watch as Xtina thumps, bumps and sluts her way to the middle!

It's a good thing MTV doesn't play music videos anymore, because if they did they could never show this. On the other hand, Spice Xcess TV will be playing this video on a loop. So will Vanilla Gorilla. Although, he's going to watch it while blasting "Heil Hitler Marschlied."

Since Xtina is parading around like a foolish skank ho who will hump on anything but dignity....I LOVE THIS! When all else fails, do ho shit in a church. This is Pope Eggs Benedict approved!

So I'm over at the Daily Mail looking at a few pictures from the Bent On Learning benefit in NYC last night when BAM! This precious portrait hit me like a hug from Aretha Franklin's chichis. The photographer caught Fishsticks Paltrow in the perfect GOOP moment! She looks like an emaciated alien fish who is waaaay too pleased with herself. This is perfection.

Unfortunately, her face is normal-ish looking in the other pictures. So just file this under "a shooting star." This picture is like a wink from God letting us all know that he feels us. I'm totally going to blow it up and hang it over my bed so that when I wake up in the morning I will be reminded that the world is filled with beautiful gifts. You just have to search photo agencies to find them.

Here's more pictures from last night including some of Vadge (who is obviously storing virgin balls in her cheeks for the summer) and Lourdes.