Madonna

Madge already helped make her 14-year-old daughter's fashion designing dreams come true when she collaborated with Lourdes on a line for Macy's. And now The Sun is saying that Madge is kicking Lourdes out on the professional ho stroll and hoping to turn her into a pop superstar like herself. Madge wants Lourdes to record a song called "It's So Cool" with her and she plans to either release it on her next album or slap it on the soundtrack for her movie about 1930s socialite Wallis Simpson. Yes, because "it's so cool" was a phrase that Wallis Simpson used in the 1930s all the time.

Madge and Lourdes apparently yodeled out that song in a studio together 8 years ago, but it wasn't released until 2009 when she put it on the European version of her album Celebration. Lourdes' voice was erased from that version, but I guess Madge feels like her time is now. A source said this: "Madonna hopes Lourdes will step into her shoes and become one of the biggest female artists in the world. She's the perfect mentor for her daughter and is keen to assist her first steps into the industry. Lourdes has a great voice and plenty of character - like her mum."

I've never understood why some of the chirruns of international millionaire superstars want to follow in their parent's footsteps. Why? Too much work and unneeded stress. Wouldn't it be much more fun to go to Catholic boarding school, get kicked out for doing lines during confessional and then spend the next 10 years supporting a model boyfriend by selling stories about your mom to the tabloids and posing topless in the Mexican edition of Playboy? That's how it's supposed to go! But if Madge and Lourdes insist on going about it this way, they can at least go really hard and show The Smith family how nepotism is really done.

It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

When Madge adopted LawdHaveMercy (or whatever her name is) from Malawi, she promised to put her celebrity, money and charitable heart into helping the young girls of Africa by building a fancy school for them ala Oprah. The Kabbahalalalalh Center signed on as a partner, Philippe van den Bossche (the boyfriend of Madge's trainer Tracy Anderson) was named as executive director and they even shooed away the locals who lived on the ground where the school was supposed to be built. Well, those locals are exhaling out a giant karmalized "UH HUH," because the school is not going to happen today, tomorrow or ever.

The New York Times reports that the executives of Raising Malawi fucked away $3.8 million of the charity's money. The foundation is now as broke as Baby Jesus' peen after wrassling with Madge's strong man crotch.

Philippe and the other executives used the money to pay for their salaries, cars, golf course memberships and housing for the school's director. Officials say that Philippe quit that bitch last October and the Kabbalah Center also jumped from that sinking ship. The board of the foundation has since been replaced by Madge and her manager. The higher-ups in Malawi are putting the blame on Madge, because they say she was unable to raise the $15 million needed to build the school. Madge put $11 million of her own money into the project.

Even though the school isn't going to happen, Madge is still trying to save her foundation by asking Global Philanthropy Group to help. The founder of GPG told the NYT that he advised Madge to cancel plans for the school completely and instead use their cash to further fund education programs that are already in place. Dude went on to slap the foundation's previous management team:

“Despite $3.8 million having been spent by the previous management team, the project has not broken ground, there was no title to the land and there was, over all, a startling lack of accountability on the part of the management team in Malawi and the management team in the United States. We have yet to determine exactly what happened to all of that $3.8 million. We have not accounted for all the funds that were used.”

Madge refused to go into detail about this mess, but said that Raising Malawi will go on even though she's "frustrated that our education work has not moved forward in a faster way."

A MESS! Why didn't Madge put Gary Glass from Desperately Seeking Susan in charge? He would've never let this happen. So no school means no Like a Virgin Kegel exercise class and no Material Girl economics class. Sad. And that Philippe demon better spend time with his ass cheeks while he still has them. Sometime in the near future, Madge is going to slither under his bedroom door, paralyze him with her crotch thrusts and then snap at her cronies to chew his nalgas off. Philippe will be reminded of his betrayal every time he sees Madge on TV stroking at his ass cheeks on her face. She'll throw him a special "I'm coming for your taint next" wink.

Lady Caca can have the silicone Klingon wishbones on her forehead, but the original Madonna is showing her how to keep it simply elegant by lifting, separating and stuffing her 52-year-old labia into a one-piece that a trampy granny wears when the plumber comes to visit. MONA ROBINSON, eat this!

This is the kind of hot outfit that Blanche Devereaux wore to give a dying lover his last rites, among other things. And Vadge pairing it with a vest made of Baby Jesus' conditioned nut hairs was a good move.

Here's more of Madge bringing her vadge out of hibernation and flashing her first-degree Joan Rivers face with Lourdes at Vanity Fair's post-Oscar party last night. And the Miss Cleo in me can read your thoughts. Why would Lourdes be embarrassed? Just like us, she's used to her mom dressing like a horny old ho.

Crank up the fog machine and strike up the dream harp, because we're going back in time to Madge's infamous 1994 interview with David Letterman where she threw the fuck word around a million times and insinuated that his mic looked like a big black dick. Up until that point, it was the most beautiful thing Madonna has ever done since she graffitied that motherfucker's car in the Borderline video. About two weeks after Madge acted like a for real cunt on Letterman, she sent him the above letter which Letters of Note says is going up for auction next month.

Don't you miss the Madge who hugged every word with a FUCK and had the penmanship of a possibly drunk serial killer? The Madge of today would write this mess in calligraphy, use "bloody" instead of "fucking" and would be dead serious when she signed it "the modern day Christ."

If you want to relive the bitch old days, here's a clip:

And I love that she looks like a goth chola who has slicked back her hair to prepare for a jump in.

The most terrifying thing to come out of the egg world since balut carried all of her Grammy trophies on The Tonight Show last night and talked to mutant egg head Jay Leno (you know that made her tuck quiver) about her community college science fiction art project (aka "The Green Egg and H.A.M."), her inspiration Willow Smith, her airport tumble and how everyone is saying that "Born This Way" is simply a misshapen kidney stone passed by "Express Yourself." Lady Gaga didn't admit to cloning EY's DNA, and she didn't deny it either, but she did say that Madge loves it and that's all that matters to her. Clip below:

I've typed out her response to that mess in case you don't want to see through 8 minutes of Caca meekly sitting and slightly shaking like the old lady at the bus stop who takes 45-minutes to unwrap a piece of candy and always wants to read your palm.

"There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan, personally and professionally. And... Well, the good news is, I got an e-mail from her people and her sending me their love and complete support on behalf of the single. And if the queen says it shall be, then it shall be. And I think it's so important as well, I think today in music there's the freedom in the song, the sort of R&B early 90s vibe that it has. It's so full of love and spirit. I think it's the spirit that people are reacting to the most. I just want everyone to rejoice and celebrate and be unafraid to be happy with music. It doesn't always have to be so dark. It doesn't always have to be so sexy. Sometimes it's just wonderful to celebrate life and kind of go to church with it."

Go to church with it? And now the thieving Klingon trollop is copying fucking LIKE A PRAYER! PENAL CODE 211 ALERT. But seriously, if Madge isn't checking her purse first thing in the morning to see what Caca snatched from her this time, then we should all drop it. Although, I find it a little strange that Madge used the word "love" to describe her feelings about something other than foreign boy toy dick and crumpets. I wouldn't be surprised if that e-mail contains a voodoo spell and Caca unknowingly promised all her unborn children to Madge when she read it out loud. Madge is totally going to fuck and marry all of Caca's tuck babies now.

And no, I don't know why Caca is dressed like Venom's grandma who lives in The House of the Weeping Widows.

via ONTD

Most of us have already said that Lady Caca's "Born This Way" sounds like a Xeroxed copy of Madge's "Express Yourself" that was rolled into crushed disco ball pieces and wrapped in a rainbow flag. Madge has yet to take her lips off of Baby Brahim's peen long enough to comment on this comparison. But her performance of "Express Yourself" at the 1989 VMAs was uploaded to her YouTube Channel yesterday and some think this is her label's subtle way of yanking at Lady Caca's tuck. Examiner is also hearing that Madge might re-release Express Yourself so that bitches don't have to settle for second best, baby.

Not only is Born This Way THE GAY ANTHEM OF EVERY GENERATION, ETC...., but it's also the pair of pliers that is pulling the cuntness out of Madge. It's been much too long since we've seen Madge bring by the blatant bitchery by slapping a young pop trollop while she's still sitting in her high chair. I knew Born This Way was good for something! For this, I'm grateful to the Caca one. And since we're re-releasing shit, can Our Lady of Cheetos re-fart the underground classic E-Mail My Heart? Not because E-Mail My Heart has anything to do with Born This Way, but because it's a ridiculous mess of a shit masterpiece that deserves more glory. And everyone has been doing e-mails:

The world according to Brit Brit video via FourFour

Because writing a tell-all about your sister's life makes you an authority on creepiness, Madge's brother Christopher Ciccone tells Radar that he thinks her fascination with humping babies is borderline creepy. Madge and Christopher haven't exchanged words since his tell-all came out three years ago, so he has to deliver his thoughts on her personal life via the media. Madge is currently nursing 24-year-old French dancer Brahim Zaibat, and she burped Baby Jesus before that.

I guess, Madge isn't going to ask Christopher to babysit her boyfriends after she finds out what he has to say about her choices:

"I guess if she continues to date all these much younger guys, it could start to look creepy. But I think that a lot of Madonna's emotional needs are met by taking care of her children; these boyfriends must really be like a kind of distraction for her. She certainly isn't following societal values, but then again my sister never has and probably never will either."

Yes, Madge's relationships with Baby Brahim and Baby Jesus could be used as inspiration for a Tales from the Crypt episode, but Christopher needs to shut his pumpple hole. Like Christopher would really turn down a 20-something twink's offer to fuck him between his chins. Nope. Christopher would not turn that chin fucking offer down.

Not since E.T. anxiously sat in the crate on Elliot's bike have I seen an expression that clearly says: "....the fuck am I doing?" Baby Brahim obviously thought about this as he got into the back of Madge's car in London this morning for the long winding trip back to her mansion where she planned to nibble on his toe nails while his mind tiptoed off to his happy place.

But for real, it seems that in almost every picture I've seen of Baby Brahim he has a terrified look on his face like a baby chickling who has just spotted a rabid mongoose coming at his ass. Actually, that pretty much sums up his relationship with Madge.

Well, Madge must fill her pores with Baby Brahim's fear, because her face is as smooth as a baby's ass. Or maybe that's actual pieces of a baby's ass on her face. I don't want to know.

Over the weekend, England was filled with more white powder than the inside of Paris Hilton's vagina and so the airport situation was like John Travolta's b-hole after a "pass around patty" sauna orgy: messy and congested. Planes were forced to wait for centuries on the tarmac and some were diverted to Egypt, or some shit. And on one of those planes was the royal one herself MADGE! The Daily Mail says that Madge's Virgin flight from New York was diverted to London's Stansted Airport after the pilot was told Heathrow was a no go. When they finally got to Stansted, the plane parked on the tarmac and waited for the overworked ground crew to get to them. You pretty much know what's coming next.

A passenger says that after they were told it was going to be a while, Madge gave everyone a shot of her vadge while she did yoga in the aisles. And after an hour of that, a bus pulled up to the plane and off went Madge with her 15-piece entourage while the unlucky loser peons waited for another 2 hours on the tarmac. One angry ass passenger put it like this: "It seemed a ­little unfair — it’s not like she is the President or anything. The rest of us all had to wait for another two hours. Madonna was taken off the plane way before the rest of the first-class people. We were all grumbling about it."

Those selfish assholes need to eat a dick and shut up! Did they ever think that maybe Madge HAD to be taken off the plane early due to a medical emergency? I mean, if Madge goes too long without vacuum sealing her head for at least 10-minutes, her face will slide off her bones and hit the floor. Do they want that?! And if she doesn't chew on her daily meal of an orphan child's heart, her muscles will burst into flames and she'll burn down like Sodom and Gomorrah. Do those whiny passengers want that on their conscience?! I swear, some assholes only think of themselves. Besides, they know the rule: zombies and children (Baby Brahim was with her) FIRST!

Don't worry, though, Madge survived that awful ordeal. Here she is leaving a restaurant in London last night with Baby Brahim.