Madonna

As Baby Brahim and Casper Smart had a toddler slap flight in the backstage daycare area at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, his sugar mami accepted an award for being the top touring act of 2012. Everybody bow downed to the zombie vampire queen as she showed us the finger she uses to pop one of Baby Brahim's stubborn doody bubbles. She's maternal like that. And here's Madge taking off those pretentious cataract sunglasses while accepting her trophy, which looks like Tommy Lee's gilded dick:

Yes, several pairs of fetus ass cheeks were used to make Madge's newest face and she looks like a pimp who has fallen on hard times and had to get an extra job as a morning-shift stripper, but she still looks hotter than Ke$hit (although, that's not hard to do)!

As Baby Brahim looked at Madge's ass knowing full well that he'll have to lick virgin's blood off of those double mounds of roided-up muscle at the end of the night, she spread her legs and gave everyone a view of her memaw crotch at the Met Ball. This look is very "current day Anjelica Huston as a Hot Topic stripper" and she looks ridiculous, but it's still a million times more interesting than all the boring ass boring dresses that went down the red carpet. And the cross burning under her Illuminati puss was a nice touch.

But she should've left Baby Brahim with his nanny, because he looks like he's wearing a uniform from an all-girls private school run by Run DMC and that's not the look.

Anthony Ciccone is back and he's once again crying to the media about how his younger sister Madonna would rather gargle her coochie out with dirty hydrangea water than spend one second with him. Anthony is pretty much estranged from the entire Ciccone family and he says that they've all turned their backs on him when he needed them most. Anthony has been living on the streets of Traverse City, Michigan for three years and he spends his day guzzling from a bottle of booze wrapped in a paper bag. Anthony did have a job at the Ciccone family vineyard, but he was fired for drinking the sweet nectar straight out of the vat and now he gets money by begging on the streets (and spilling the shit about his sister to tabloids).

The Daily Mail caught up with Anthony Ciccone and they found out that his ass spent a month in jail after he was arrested for drunkenly yelling at kids in a church (that's my future). Anthony couldn't pay the fine, so they locked him up. Anthony tells the DM that even though his dad sometimes brings him leftovers, he thinks his father would be happy if he froze to death on the streets and he also said that his trillionaire sister can't be bothered with him.

"Madonna doesn’t give a shit if I’m dead or alive. She lives in her own world. I never loved her in the first place, she never loved me. We never loved each other. My father would be very happy if I died of hypothermia and then he would not have to worry about it anymore. He’s old school, he grew up in the depression. He doesn’t want to be bothered, he’s lived his life you see. He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t want me to be me, he wants me to be somebody else. He thinks the way I live is intentional. He simply doesn’t know me."

Anthony blamed the state of his life on his family. Anthony says that they aren't helping him and all he wants is a job. Apparently, Madge has paid for him to go to rehab several times. When the DM asked if he thinks he needs rehab, he farted out a Lohan-approved line:

"I’m a human being, you can call me what you want. [Alcoholic] is a label, I don’t like it. I don’t need brain surgery, I merely need love and care of family and friends."

A worker at the Ciccone family vineyard told the DM that the family is afraid Anthony will really drink himself to death if they give him his job back. They'll only take him back if he quits the bottle for good. And Anthony ended the interview by saying that he doesn't think Madge owes him anything:

"Evidently various people have been pestering [Madonna] about matters of neglect regarding family and such. I think she's probably a little bit pissed off with me for even troubling her. But I've never asked my sister for anything. She don't owe me nothing. That's her shit, man, she made her money, she worked for it, I've got no beef. If she wants to live that way, that's her thing."

And that ends our yearly visit with Anthony Ciccone. Till next year. You know, if Anthony Ciccone really wants to make some money, he should write a tell-all where he can spill all of Madge's childhood secrets and talk about what a bitch-hearted bitch-faced bitch she is. That shameless whore Christopher Ciccone knows what I'm talking about.

When I first saw these pictures last night, I cringed so hard I turned straight for a quick second before turning gay again. The sight of The Silver Fox putting his mouth on Madge while she was dressed like a cub scout made my sexuality spin a full 360 degrees and back again. All of Anderson Cooper's big gay dreams came true last night when he accepted the Vito Russo Award from Scoutmaster Madge at the GLAAD Awards in NYC last night. Every coconut flake on my Samoa burnt, curled and fell off.

Madge came to the GLAAD Awards dressed in complete cub scout drag to let the Boy Scouts of America know that as long as they stay anti-gay, she'll never enroll Baby Brahim in their organization. (Click here to see Madge's speech.) Madge is kind of giving me a "Little Debbie's memaw in a remake of Troop Beverly Hills" vibe.  Speaking of Troop Beverly Hills, I know the Girl Scouts and the Boy Scouts are totally different, but Madge still missed an opportunity to do a disco remix version of COOKIE TIME! That really would've given the GLAAD Awards the ultimate gay moment it needed.

And here's Anderson getting himself a mouthful of Madge while accepting his award last night:

You know that part where he thanks his partner Benjamin? Yeah, I already dubbed over that to make him say, "my stalker Michael K."

I'll wait here as you lure your soul from the darkest corner of the room after it jumped out of your ass from seeing this picture of Madonna slurping on a martini glass full of the tears of Lady CaCa and the green balls of Guy Ritchie. Madge opened her Instagram account a while ago, but she officially christened it yesterday by posting this terrifying picture of her looking like Mr. Burns as an albino Bettie Page. THOSE DEMON EYES! If you're a dude, then your nutsack probably ripped itself off of your body and slammed itself against the screen, because her eyes could cut off a pair of iron testicles.

Madge didn't stop there either. She posted also posted this picture....

Oh, Madge, you old whore, you. I guess since Madge wasn't a 17-year-old slut during the whole MySpace era, she didn't get to post a picture of her chichis on the Internet. So she's making up for lost times by posting her sweaty tits on Instagram. Get it, Madge. Show Demi Moore how memaws gone wild really do it.

via UsWeekly

During a meeting to talk about the ad campaign for Madge's new bottle of stank Truth or Dare Naked, I'm sure they all played a game of Truth or Dare. Madge dared the graphic artist to break every bone in his hands and strain every last nerve in his fingers by spending hours upon hours and days on end Photoshopping a naked ass picture of her into another dimension. Or maybe she dared them to use a 20-year-old picture from her Sex book as the ad.

This picture doesn't even look real to me. If you told me it was a pencil sketch that Jack Dawson did while visiting a strip club in Mordor, I wouldn't call you a liar. But that said, I bet Madge doesn't look far from this in person. Madge works out about 29 hours a day, she gets her face pulled weekly and every day before she leaves the house, her minions prime, paint and shellac every inch of her skin. I bet that black outline around her body is real too. That black outline of evil is the final sign that Madge is about to sink her teeth into the nutsack of a barely legal boy dancer.

via Facebook

When Madge isn't trying to get YouTube views with a slip of her seasoned nip, she's trying to get them with her words. You'd think that since Madge spends most her day homeschooling her two children, Rocco and Baby Brahim, she'd stop being a teacher at night, but she kept on, kept on at her show in DC yesterday. Mrs. Madge gave the audience an American history lesson when she spewed out some stuff about Abraham Lincoln you can read in an Encyclopedia Britannica, and then she went on about how amazing it is that we have a "black Muslim in the White House" who's for gay rights.

Maybe Madge is mocking the hos who really think Obama is Muslim, but the hos who really think Obama is Muslim don't have sarcasm detectors built-in, so they probably took this as fact and are now worshiping at her hooves. I mean, if Madge's goal was to make Victoria Jackson bust one for the first time in years, she succeeded.

To make matters worse, Gawker says that later in the show she took off her jacket to show the name OBAMA written on her back. Madge promised to take it all off if he's re-elected. YOU'RE NOT HELPING, BITCH. Yeah, so expect Obama to drop out of the presidential race in 3...2..

via Towleroad

Goat-footed, wheezy, old queen Elton John kept his elder bitch fight with Madge going earlier this month when he called her a fairground stripper who needs to put it away for good. Madge didn't really respond at the time, and I just figured she was keeping her mouth shut, because she was busy learning the scent of Elton's first born so that she can get revenge on him in 18 years by swallowing that boy whole with her crotch of doom. But Madge couldn't wait that long and she responded to Elton at her show in Nice, France on Tuesday night by dedicating her song "Masterpiece" to him. While sort of dressed like a French fairground stripper in mourning, Madge served this speech to Elton on a bed of sticky sweet sarcasm:

"I'd like to dedicate this next song to a Mr. Elton John. I know he's a big fan of it and I know he's a big fan of mine. And you know what? I forgive him. You've gotta start somewhere."

Fun fact: "Masterpiece" is the song that won the Golden Globe over Elton's song and really put a fresh crack in his culo lips. So dedicating that song to Elton is like pouring salt on that culo crack and rubbing it in with vinegar.

This is like watching two asshole toddlers fight over a plastic bucket in the sandbox. It's stupid and you're not on either of their teams, but you can't stop watching and secretly can't wait until one of them finally hits the other in the head with the bucket.

And Elton hasn't responded yet, but when he does, I'm sure it'll look something like this:

via TMZ (click there if the video above isn't working for your ass)

The last time we left the Cunty Crusty Queen vs. Cunty Crusty Queen feud, Elton John and his husband David Furnish were mad at Madge for beating them for the Best Song trophy at the Golden Globes earlier this year. Well, Elton is still sticking his nose up Lady CaCa's ass while farting all over Madge, and yes Elton's farts smell like rotten hydrangeas marinating in rusty toilet tank water. During an interview in Australia with music journalist Molly Meldrum, Elton grabbed Madge by the hair, dragged her across the floor, stopped for a second after his hip gave out and then continued to drag, drag, drag that bitch. Elton blew air kisses at CaCa, Katy Perry and RiRi, but said that Madge needs to put it away.

"She is such a nightmare. I'm sorry. Her career is over. Her tour has been a disaster and it couldn’t happen to a bigger cunt.

If Madonna had any common sense she would have made a record like Ray Of Light and stayed away from the dance stuff and just been a great pop singer and make great pop records, which she does brilliantly. But no, she had to go and prove… she looks like a fucking fairground stripper.”

Damn, when are we going to find out that Madge butt fucked herself with Elton's favorite pair of glasses? But I hope that Elton never stops being a bitter old bitch queen and never stops shooting balls of pressed hate with his mouth at Madge, because nothing is more entertaining than two egotistical bitches beating each other down. Bitterness does get better with age. And I don't expect Madge to respond to Elton's hate. Madge is too busy lurking in the darkness behind Elton, patiently waiting for his 19-year-old son Zachary to turn 18, so she can get the ultimate revenge on her rival by marrying his first born! If the gods have any love for us, they'll make this happen.

And skip to the 7:24 mark below to see Elton take a swat at Madge's fairground stripper crotch AGAIN:

via Queerty

In her continued effort to #getmoneybitch, OctoMom has made genitals turn inside/out with her fap tape, has made retinas curl by boringly working the stripper pole, has made you throw up a barrel of laughs with her OctoLoans commercial and now she's going after your ears. Kim Zolciak's untalented ass showed everyone that you can make money from a piece of shit song even if you sound like a robot  walrus farting into a wind tunnel, so OctoMom has joined fame whore forces with reality type Adam Barta and together they are putting out a musical terrorist threat called "Sexy Party. I'm guessing that OctoMom's song is neither sexy, nor a party.

The song doesn't come out until September, but TMZ already has the "cover art" for that mess. This is what it looks like when desperation and Photoshop collide in the worst possible way. OctoMom says that she's paying tribute to Madge's "Like A Prayer" era with this cover. I sort of see a tribute to Madge, but I mostly see a tribute to vomit and that Photoshopped handbra is obviously a tribute to Janet Jackson. But what I really don't understand is how those crucifixes didn't turn upside down from being faced with this dark-sidedness? If you poured dirty douche water on an Affliction t-shirt and put it under a microscope, this is what you'd see.

With all that being said, you know I'm going to download Octo's "Sexy Party" when it comes out. My thirst for fuckery always takes me to the darkest places.