Macaulay Culkin

Britain's Grain of Salt Daily (aka The Sun) says that supposedly Macaulay Culkin and supposedly sober-ish Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty have become best friends 4EVER and are now living together in one apartment in Paris. Hmmm.... So a former child star with a bank account full of gold bars is living in the same apartment as a legendary mess who, if he had all the money in the world, would fill a giant empty concrete pool with coke and snort his way through it all night? What could possibly go wrong?

A source tells The Sun that Macaulay and Dreamboat met through a mutual musician friend named Adam Green and the three of them worked on a "ketamine-inspired" movie called The Wrong Ferrari. After making that movie, Macaulay and Dreamy got a place together. Macaulay wants to be in Paris, because he's done with acting and wants to be an artist type. The source said:

“Macaulay and Pete may seem an odd couple but they’ve got loads of interests and life experiences in common.
“They bonded over their love of poetry and art. Macaulay can’t get enough of listening to Pete waxing lyrical about his painting and music. He’s always been a fan of extreme characters like Pete. Look at the way he defends his childhood friend Michael Jackson (Ed. note: How timely!). Pete also loves talking to Macaulay about acting, as he’s been trying to launch a movie career.”

I used to live in an apartment where the bathroom ceiling leaked every time the chick above me took a shower and she took a shower at least 4 times a day. When the world runs out of water and we're all crawling down the street begging for someone to spit in our dry mouths, we can blame that chick. I figured she either had OCD or was turning tricks in her apartment. Well, the people in the apartment below Macaulay and Dreamboat never have to worry about that, because those two never ever take showers.

But maybe Macaulay and Dreamboat aren't going to use his Home Alone money to buy mannequins sculpted out of coke that they'll hump day and night. Maybe they'll shock us all by becoming wholesome homebodies and shit. Maybe they'll use Dreamboat's old crack pipes to plant an herb garden on the kitchen windowsill and the only white powder they'll handle will be the powdered sugar they sprinkle over the cherry tarts they baked together.

If Macaulay and Dreamboat's downstairs neighbor hears their shower turn on, they'll know that those two have really changed and then they'll call the news, because Pete Doherty bathing is the final sign of the apocalypse.

After The National Enquirer said that Macauley Culkin is filling his veins with heroin all day, every day, his rep slapped them down by saying the entire story was made of lies and if he was hooked on heroin, he wouldn't even use their trash paper to keep his heroin in. The National Enquirer isn't backing down, isn't issuing apologies and has really come for Macauley by publicly saying that he needs to get help before he ends up like one of his friends who recently died of an overdose. DAMN. You know that bitch ass little cousin of yours who caught you sipping cognac (don't judge, it was all my mom had in her "bar area" on top of the refrigerator) when you were 16 and told your mom about it? The National Enquirer is like that times ten billion. This is the "get help" open letter to Mac they posted on their website yesterday:

Our advice to Macaulay is to seek professional help to avoid the same tragic fate of other beloved celebrities, including Whitney Houston who died earlier this year.

We believe that the former child star should be doing everything he can to get the treatment he so desperately needs – and which could have saved the life of his friend Elijah Rosello.

Her family confirmed to The ENQUIRER that she did drugs with Macaulay before her drug-related death in March.

Should Macaulay’s representatives continue to deny The ENQUIRER’s accurate and detailed report, we are ready to offer him the opportunity to take a blood test administered by an independent medical lab.

It is a fact that as The ENQUIRER tracked Whitney Houston’s descent into her drug hell, she refused to admit she had a problem – and Whitney was represented by some of those people now denying Macaulay’s potentially deadly problems.

Yes, they brought Whitney Houston into this. My thoughts about this entire mess are best expressed through Kristie the Hutt's face.

"Nope." is basically what Macaulay Culkin's rep said earlier this year when asked if he was sick in a bad way or if he was bitten by a zombie. Macaulay's rep was asked those questions after pictures of him looking like a shriveled turtle starring in a remake of The Machinist made the rounds. Macaulay's rep added that he was perfectly healthy and nothing's wrong, but according to The National Enquirer (via Radar), there's a whole lot of wrong going on in Macaulay's life.

The Enquirer claims that Macaulay has turned his apartment into a bad shit paradise and he spends most of his days in there getting high by himself or with a circle of junkie friends. ("Let me know when you need a subletter, Mac!" - Lindsay Lohan) The Enquirer's source says a huge piece of his Home Alone money, $6,000 a month to be exact, goes to buy his two drugs of choice: heroin and oxycodone. The source went on to say that shit has gone from "serious" to "really serious" to "no, seriously, this is a man down code 10 situation," because Macaulay has overdosed twice and his closest friends are afraid he'll soon be moonwalking on the clouds in heaven with his old friend Michael Jackson.

“He’s addicted to heroin, oxyco done, Percocet and Vicodin. I have witnessed his drug taking, which has escalated over the past year and a half to the point where he needs serious help. His closest friends fear that he’ll overdose or his heart will explode. If he doesn’t get help and enter rehab now, he could be dead in six months. It [overdosing] should have been a wake-up call, but it didn’t seem to have any effect on him. Mac is still partying hard. I pray that he finds the courage and strength to clean up before it’s too late.”

"I was so shocked and concerned about seeing him shoot dragon chasing-syrup into his veins that I immediately picked up the phone and dialed the number 800-725-0000. No, that's not the number for an addiction treatment helpline. That's the number to The National Enquirer's 'dollas 4 tips' line."

Just like last time, Macaulay's lawyers deny all of this and says he has never overdosed.

Meanwhile, Macaulay's old girlfriend, Mila Kunis, is off in Bali gargling the rotten douche cream that spits out of Ashton Kutcher's whore dick. Mila, stop being gross, drop the douche and get your bitch ass to NYC to force Macaulay to star in a real-life reboot of Home Alone called Rehab Alone, because this is not the way Kevin McCallister's story is supposed to go.

UPDATE: I had to pull the pic down, but click here to see it and more.

In the battle to see which childhood star can look the meth-iest, Lindsay Lohan is still winning by a thousand meth faces, but Macauley Culkin is a close second. Entertainment Tonight got a hold of a few pictures of 31-year-old Kevin McCallister in NYC yesterday looking like Steve Buscemi trying to shape shift into a crackhead Gary Busey. Macauley's rep must be White Oprah, because they tell ET that he's in perfectly good health and there's no reason to start a prayer circle for him. What part of this picture says "perfectly good health" to you? I'm blaming all of this on that can of Red Bull and that Spencer Pratt-ish flesh pube beard. Somebody please get Macauley a razor and a can of Ensure.

via Yahoo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)