The world collectively shrugged when Lindsay Lohan said that her mom was on coke during a drunken mess of a call to her piece of trash father after partying most of the night. This was a surprise to no one, because you don't get nostrils like that just from breathing in air, bitch. Nostrils don't lie. Oh, but LiLo's mom White Oprah says they do. The cocaine industry's Mother of Every Year told Entertainment Tonight that she cried out real tears when LiLo accused her of inhaling the bad shit and she's glad that her daughter finally told the truth. Today's daily laugh is powered by this:
"Absolutely lied. We were having an argument, it escalated. She just wanted to hurt me at that moment. You know, mothers [and] daughters, we fight. I hate cocaine. I don't do cocaine.
I'm so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I mean, I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was, and she came clean and told the truth that she lied. I'm very proud of her for that, which is very difficult to have to do. There's so much more to the story than the public sees, and it takes its toll on my children and myself, and we're just trying to move forward."
White Oprah went on to say, "No, I really, really hate cocaine. I hate cocaine more than I hate working and that says a lot. Wait, do you have any coke on you? I'm only asking because I can't even be in the same room with the stuff. I don't even know what it looks like! But if you have any, give it to me and I'll throw it away in the bathroom. While I'm flushing that Satan powder down the toilet in the bathroom, you might hear me snorting and sniffling. That's just me having an allergic reaction to cocaine. Yes, I'm allergic to it. Cocaine even hates me! No, seriously, do you have any?"
And every coke dealer in the Long Island area is extra sad today. White Oprah just denied their beautiful relationship. This is like when the dude you've been hooking up with for weeks ignores you in the bar. What a cold cokehead that White Oprah is.
Lindsay Lohan's new publicist dumped Barbara Walters for Jay Leno, because she didn't want to answer any questions about her personal life (insert jackoffasoftdickwhilerollingyoureyes.gif here). But we all know that the real reason Lindsay Lohan went with Jay Leno instead of Barbara is because he can smash a coke rock into neat, even lines just by flinching his chin at it. It makes even the most jaded cokehead squirt.
LiLo blows off everything (cut to every dealer in the L.A. area raising his hand while saying, "I can co-sign that!") so Barbara shouldn't have been surprised that she got the shaft, but she is. On The View yesterday morning, Barbara nearly whined the lisp out of her voice while saying that LiLo's new rep didn't give her any explanation for why the interview was canceled. LiLo's people just told the producers of 20/20 that she wasn't up to it. But ten seconds after canceling on Barbara, LiLo booked an interview with Jay Leno and Barbara thinks she went with him because he won't bring up any of her fuck-ups, and he can do that chin trick for her in the green room.
The second part of LiLo's interview with Barbara was canceled, but the first part was shot back in June on the set of Liz & Dick. Yesterday, Barbara showed a short clip from the first part of their interview and it's awkward. It's like watching a conversation between a drunk grandma and another drunk grandma who is trying hard to look sober. It's like Whatever Happened to Baby June? on ludes. Barbara brings up the little "lazy bitch overslept" story and LiLo brushes it away and mumbles about being a survivor. Bitch sounds like a survivor. She sounds like she's survived through tonsil cancer, decades of gargling with broken glass and centuries of inhaling a nicotine smoke storm daily.
And here's the new trailer for her other soon-to-be award winning masterpiece The Canyons. If you're going to watch it, then you can go ahead and scratch "anal Kegel exercises" off your to do list, because your butt will cringe during the entire trailer.
Welcome back, because I'm assuming that right after you read "Lindsay Lohan pulls out of Barbara Walters," you either hacked up bits of your stomach into your hand or went off to look for the old lady lezzie version of a Lemon Party.
For those of you hoping to see Lindsay Lohan make White Oprah proud by slurring and drooling her way through an interview with Barbara Walters, you'll have to go down to your local bus station and watch a junkie hobo get into a fight with the wind instead, because the interview is off. Deadline says that LiLo was supposed to promote the crack-stuffed Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick by talking to Barbara Walters on 20/20, but her new pr team Rogers & Cowan canceled it. TMZ says that Blohan only agreed to the interview in the first place, because Barbara Walters said she would only stick with questions about Liz & Dick. But last week, the producers of 20/20 told Blohan's people that Barbara will ask her questions about her mess of a life including lying to the cops about crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Blohan's publicists pulled her out of the interview, because they don't trust that she won't say something that could mess up her case. LiLo is apparently sad about canceling her date with Barbara, because she considers her a family friend and will reschedule the interview later, blah blah blah.
Can you believe that Barbara was going to ask questions, specifically questions about that trick's personal life? It's not like Lindsay Lohan is only famous because of her personal life and it's not like she only got that Lifetime movie because of her personal life, and it's not like Barbara only wanted to interview her to talk about her personal life. How dare Barbara! LiLo's pr whores were smart to cancel on Barbara, because she's an unprofessional journalist. 20/20 should get Diane Sawyer to do the interview instead:
Obviously Diane Sawyer GETS Lindsay Lohan. (Side note: I love Diane Sawyer more than Diane Sawyer loves on-the-job boozing.)
Right after Lindsay Lohan forcibly butt fucked an 18-wheeler with her rented Porsche, she told the cops that she wasn't driving. Everything that comes out of LiLo's lie hole is the opposite of the truth, so nobody was surprised when witnesses said that she was the one driving and she switched places with her assistant right after the crash. TMZ says that since LiLo told lies to the police, the Santa Monica City Attorney will charge her with misdemeanor lie-telling.
TMZ's sources say that cops also found a bottle of prescribed meds in her purse and there were pills scattered all over her trunk. They were going to throw drug charges at her, but then her long-suffering attorney Shawn Holley handed the police a letter from LiLo's doctor. Yes, the "letter" was written in red lipstick on a stained Chateau Marmont cocktail napkin and was signed by "Dr. Anid Nahol," but under California State Law it still counts as an official doctor's note.
You've heard this all before, but this could screw with LiLo's probation and Judge Stephanie could throw in her a cell for a very long time for violating probation. But the chances of that happening are about as slim as me shitting out a 9 inch dick. (Actually, that could happen. I have been told by many doctors that my b-hole is like a sock-eating dryer.)
I live in California now, so don't I get a say as to how the state spends its money and time, because spending it on LiLo is a waste. Nothing's gonna happen to the bitch. Besides, LiLo is terrorizing NYC right now. Does California really want to lure her back? The monster is gone and we need to keep it that way. Close the gates and really keep her out by making all alcohol ILLEGAL. Yes, I'll be willing to make my own booze out of paint thinner and lemon-scented ammonia if it means I get to live in a Lohan-free zone. That's the price you have to pay.
Here's the darling of the California justice system leaving her NYC hotel with Ali Lohan last night. Now we know what it would look like if Angie Dickinson died, came back as a zombie and then fell into a vat of orange paint.
This Dumb Trick: Lindsay Lohan Will Stop Hurricane Sally (Or Whatever That Ho's Name Is) With The Power Of Prayer!
Hundreds of thousands of people have been told to evacuate, an 11-foot wall of water is supposed to crash into Manhattan and millions of people are furiously searching the Internet while they still can for ways to make a satellite dish and TV out of tin foil and fish bones (because they can't miss American Horror Story on Wednesday night, DUH), but Lindsay Lohan wants everyone to stop bitching and crying about Hurricane Sally Jessy Raphael. (Don't hate Blohan for not remembering Sandy's name. You know how bad crackheads are at remembering anything.)
Right before LiLo, whose brain was destroyed a long time ago by Hurricane Cokey, begged Lady CaCa to pay attention to her, she told all of her followers to stop being so dramatic and use positive thinking to ward the hurricane away. I can see it now. There's LiLo, wasted out of her mind, sitting on her living room floor and rambling to the walls about how we can make the storm go away if we just THINK it away.
Hurricane Sandy is obviously a coked up, drunk mess herself, and Lindsay Lohan is made up entirely of vodka and coke granules, so can't we just tie her to the top of the Empire State Building as an offering to the storm? That's me thinking positively.
(Thanks to Deb and Jardley for sending this mess in)
Because telling the opposite of the truth so much made him feel like he was running for office, Lindsay Lohan's spokeswhore Steve Honig told her to take the job and shove it up her ass. To which Lindsay Lohan said, "His name is Job? That means he's Jewish, right? Okay, but I hope you told him anal costs extra."
E! News says that last night Steven Honig told Lindsay Lohan that he was professionally done with being her official lie teller and no matter what she says, he can't deposit the 8-balls she pays with him into his 401k and expect it to collect interest. Steve didn't say why he quit LiLo after 2 years of insanity, but TMZ thinks they know why. They heard that after Steve publicly said he wasn't in on LiLo's intervention, Michael Lohan harassed him in text messages. If Steve wanted to get shat on by a turtle, he'd get a job at the Playboy Mansion, so he said BYE BITCH BYE to LiLo to escape her dad.
Okay, so we're really supposed to believe that Steve quit because of one Michael Lohan text and not because Lindsay Lohan is fucking crazy. Whatever, but you know, it's Steve Honig's loss and he will regret this.
Steve Honig has 12-pack abs and he hasn't been to a gym in 2 years. Steve Honig got that 12-pack from laughing non-stop at all the ridiculous shit that LiLo would make him say to the media. Steve Honig has a b-hole that's so tight and strong he can use it to suck a nail out of a piece of wood. Steve Honig got that tight strong b-hole from clenching it every time his cell phone would burn up with calls from the media after LiLo fucked up for the ten millionth time. Steve Honig has the smoothest crotch of smoothest crotches and he got it from sticking his fingers through a hole in his pant pocket to pluck out his pubes one by one to deal with White Oprah.
So now Steve Honig has to pay for a gym membership and anal rejuvenation and crotch waxing. BIG MISTAKE!
Mitt Romney's team is frantically writing a speech where he'll promise to allow stolen necklaces as a tax write-off for jooree thieves and give out "buy 1 8-ball, get 1 8-ball" free vouchers to cokies, because he might be close to losing the most important vote of the election! A little over a week ago, Lindsay Lohan said that she's voting for Romney, because she believes that jobs are really important right now. LiLo did have a point. Jobs ARE important. How do you think LiLo gets her daily supply of Adderall? Blow jobs! How do you think LiLo gets into all those fashion parties? Hand jobs! How do you think LiLo pays the guy from ConEd when he comes to her rented house to shut down her electricity due to non-payment? Rim jobs! Jobs really ARE important.
But just when we all thought that "Romney" would be the name LiLo spits up after EVERYONE asks her who she voted for (even though we know her ass isn't going to vote, because she'll show up to the polling place 4 days too late since her "walking pneumonia" acted up again), she flips shit around. During last night's Battleship game between Romney and Obama, LiLo live-tweeted her extremely important thoughts and Politico says she started off by re-tweeting (and then deleting) her support for Obama. And then LiLo got into it:
LiLo must've numbed her nerves with medical numbing ointment known as vodka, but she quickly got into the serious topics at hand including Obama saying that Romney's foreign policies are stuck in the 80s. (Side note: If Romney is stuck in the 80s, does that mean he's bringing back Beverly Hills Teens, because that'll get my vote.)
LiLo then asked Bill Maher to DM her. Bill probably thought that freebasing Glade scented oil gave LiLo a case of the typos again and she really meant to ask, "Would you please DP me?", because he didn't answer her.
LiLo then tried and failed to get Sarah Silverman to talk to her....
And then she said something to Vanity Fair:
Then LiLo ended the night by saying she's more nervous than the two dudes who are actually running for president:
Don't laugh at that tweet. Live-tweeting the last debate made LiLo's nostrils extra hongray for the bad shit, so she snorted up her entire stash and nothing fills a bitch with anxiety like staring at an empty Ziploc bag.
So not only are horses carrying bayonets extra sad today, but so is Mitt Romney, because he might've lost LiLo's vote. If Mitt wants to win her back, he better hand her a binder full of Vicodin right now.
With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ's sources (fun fact: "One of TMZ's sources" is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo's entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she's eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian's pussy eats black dick and she's drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day ("What's wrong with that?" says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn't finish all of the second bottle? For shame.
Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo's manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn't happen. But since that intervention didn't happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody's father, but that's not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he's going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael Lohan knows that a dog's dried dingle would make a better conservator than him, so he's asking the judge to make somebody else her conservator. Anybody but LiLo's mom/wallet leech White Oprah.
Michael is also making plans to get LiLo into rehab and away from all the bad influences around her. Michael also hopes that if a judge orders that LiLo needs a life controller, he hopes that life controller will talk White Oprah into going to family therapy.
Michael Lohan's brain actually farted up a good idea, but the court should take this all the way. The court should put the ENTIRE Lohan family under a conservatorship. It should be illegal for every member of the Lohan family to make decisions for themselves. Michael Lohan needs a conservator to tell him to stop getting a check by using his daughter's name and to make his own money by getting a real job as a day salesman at a mid-range car dealership since he already has the outfit for it (see picture above). White Oprah needs a conservator to force her to get a sanity cell implanted in her brain since hers was eaten away by low-grade coke a long time ago. And Ali Lohan needs a conservator to hire Liam Neeson to save her from the Korean sex ring her mom forced her into.
And here's LiLo looking like Julie Cooper's mom at a press conference for Liz & Dick.
Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to work the other day and most of us snorted out a "meh," because the empty Jack Daniels bottle in her head doesn't have a grasp on time even though she has all those stolen watches lying around her house. But LiLo blowing off her job (no "Her Job" is not her nickname's dealer) worried Michael Lohan so much that he tried to stage an intervention today. Michael obviously didn't get the message that he's dead to LiLo as the sense of feeling is dead to White Oprah's nostrils.
TMZ says that Michael Lohan and his band of Captain Save-A-Hos knocked on the door of LiLo's house in Beverly Hills today, because he thinks she's on the bad shit again and wants to get her into Betty Ford. Some dude claiming to be LiLo's boyfriend (who looks like this) answered the door and told all of them to go away. When Michael refused to crawl back up into his ass, LiLo called the cops to report a trespasser. You think that by now, every police department in the country would forward every call from a Lohan to The National We Don't Give Two Effs Hotline, but they don't. The cops showed up and told Michael to go away. But before he went away, Michael called up Radar to say this:
"Lindsay needs help. She's around all the wrong people. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. She has to get better. I'm not going to watch my daughter die. A lot of people tried to stage the intervention with me. She is dating a guy named Josh Chunn and he told me, 'I feel the same way you do. I can't take it. They're destroying her life. Lindsay called the cops for trespassing but they opened the gates for us to come up… When we were leaving she threw Josh out and we picked him up in the car and he spilled the beans about everything she is doing. Her whole team has had it with her. All of them want to her to get treatment. I will keep putting pressure on her like I did before until she gets help. She is not going to get better without help and she needs treatment and help now."
Oh yes, Michael Lohan cares about Lindsay Lohan so much that he calls TMZ and Radar to tell them how much he cares about Lindsay Lohan. Caring fathers do that. I think what Michael Lohan meant to say was, "I don't want my daughter to die, because then who's go to pay the rent on my condo?!"
Aren't these Lohans exhausted from the non-stop messy, messy drama? They don't even take one day of rest from the foolery. This is what happens when everybody in a family doesn't have a job. They go to each other's houses in the middle of the day to fight. They go to the clubs together on a weeknight to fight. People with jobs ain't got time for that (copyright: Sweet Brown).
And you know who really needs an intervention? ME! I need an intervention for posting about the Lohans every damn day. Since LiLo isn't going to Betty Ford, can I take her place?
Patrick Bateman's bloody corpse is lying on Lindsay Lohan's driveway today, because he turned the chainsaw on himself after losing his psychotic mind from listening to hear dribble out fake excuse after fake excuse for why she didn't show up to work. Hollywood's forever employee of the month was supposed to show up to a studio to do work on that straight-to-public access, soft-core porn movie The Canyons, and when she didn't punch her time card in, Bret Easton Ellis left her the above note on Twitter. I know, can you believe that Lindsay Lohan is an ungrateful, unreliable piece of back alley trash mess? I don't believe it! Next, you're going to tell me that those pictures of Robert Pattinson licking Rupert Sanders' dried saliva off of Kristen Stewart's lips aren't one hundred percent natural and staged. What to believe!
The last time Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to a job, she blamed it on "walking pneumonia." I wonder what she'll blame it on this time? I'm going to put half of my chips on "Ah I had 24-hour cancer!" and the other half of my chips on "Ah I fell into a secret portal in my wardrobe, traveled to a different world and had to battle the White Witch!" (aka took too much Special K)
I didn't know what ADR stood for, so I looked it up and apparently it's just dialogue dubbing. Why did they need the real Lindsay Lohan to do voice dubbing for Lindsay Lohan? They should've just ran outside and pulled some 50-something homeless hobo off the street. Then they should've made him chain smoke crushed nails rolled in sandpaper and inject lidocaine into his tongue until he got Lindsay Lohan's signature slur down. The hobo would've done a better job and the sound guys wouldn't have to worry about their watches getting stolen.
Here's the consummate professional casing a jewelry store in Beverly Hills the other day.