We knew this day would finally come and it's finally here. Just in time for the end of the world. I've covered every inch of Lindsay Lohan and now I'm finally covering her bowel movements. Yes, I'm about to write about how LiLo is so full of shit that she's clogging up every toilet she squats over. In the game of gossip limbo, I've finally gotten so low that my droopy ass lips are dragging against the sand. Congratulations to us all.
This BREAKING TOILETS NEWS story was first reported by Wetpaint a day ago and then TMZ picked it up this morning. Most us know that LiLo creates some major shit bombs (see: Liz & Dick) and some source told Wetpaint that the plumbers on the set of Scary Movie 5 learned that the hard way. They say that LiLo not only trashed her trailer, but she suffocated the toilet with her freckled poops. Because the toilets in the other trailers were connected by the system, they clogged too. So Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen and the rest of the cast had to shit in coffee cans. But TMZ has cleared this up (I'm not proud of that pun).
Their source (aka LiLo) says that LiLo was framed! LiLo is telling friends that she believes the producers sabotaged her trailer before she got there, because they were upset that she missed her first day of work due to "walking pneumonia." When LiLo did show up for work, the shower and toilet in her trailer were both broken, so she had to use the toilet in other trailers. After LiLo's shoot was finished, the producers accused her of screwing up the plumbing system and wanted her to pay up. LiLo's people went back and forth before she finally exhaled and shat up the money. LiLo agreed to let the producers take thousands of dollars from her paycheck to pay for repairs.
Lindsay Lohan can't even take a simple dump without it turning into a huge dramatic mess involving lawyers. But whatever, I blame the toilet. It's the toilet's fault for being such a perfect place to get rid of coke when the producers and insurance men try to find your hidden stash by bringing drug-sniffing dogs into your trailer. Blame the toilet.
Since Charlie Sheen has a such a giving heart and is always happy to bail out a fellow coke whore, he gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000 as a gift a couple of weeks ago. Charlie said that the $100,000 was for a "project" (read: a rim job since not even School Teacher from Hookers at the Point would tongue tickle Charlie's b-hole for $100,000) and then he whined to the media about she never gave him a thank you of any kind. Lindsay Lohan ungrateful and rude?! NEVAH!
TMZ says that after Charlie Sheen called Lindsay Lohan out for being a rude bitch, she sent him a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card. Some source says that LiLo didn't thank Charlie for contributing to the vodka industry by giving her $100k, because her phone broke and she lost all of her contacts including his number. Yes, Lindsay Lohan could've stuffed a rolled thank you note in the cooch of a random L.A. call girl and it would've gotten to Charlie Sheen in under 24 hours. But since her brain is a cocaine breast implant, she didn't think of that and came up with another amazing excuse that will go in her upcoming book: Lindsay Lohan's Book Of Excuses NOT TO USE If You Want Your Excuse To Sound Somewhat Believable.
It's the thought that counts, but who gives Charlie Sheen flowers? FLOWERS?! That's like giving Jessica Simpson vegetables as a gift or giving John Travolta a rubber vagina for a gift. What is Charlie Sheen supposed to do with dumb flowers that Lindsay Lohan probably picked from somebody's front yard? Actually, I shouldn't say that. LiLo knows Charlie Sheen too well, so I'm sure she gave him a beautiful bouquet of morning glory seed packets.
The well drink version of Taylor Swift and Harry Styles, Lindsay Lohan and Max George, is probably over now and the only thing Max has to remember LiLo by is the fake tan skid marks and vomit crust she left on his pillow in The Wanted's tour bus. LiLo lubed up her head and shoved it up Max George's ass to follow him all over the East Coast for about a week, but the days of her smuggling into his hotel room by hiding under the room service cart are long gone. Ace Showbiz points out that LiLo unfollowed Max George on Twitter after he pretty much called her a joke to reporters.
At Capital FM's Jingle Ball in London five nights ago, ITN asked Max George if he's licking LiLo's butt full-time and he laughed before saying, "No, what's the right word for her? A yeah, a groupie! She is probably hiding in our suitcase right now!" This gave LiLo the sads and she crawled out of their suitcase and immediately unfollowed Max on Twitter.
LiLo already proved to us a million times over that there's a basement under the bottom of the barrel, because she keeps falling lower and lower. But The Wanted laughing at her ass has to be rock bottom. THE WANTED! This is like when the nastiest, grossest skank in junior high school (Note: This nasty, gross skank used to entertain people in English class by eating her boogers. SUCIO piece of skank trash!) asked me to a dance in front of everyone and then said, "Yeah right, like I'd want to go anywhere with a fag like you!" while everyone laughed. This is worse than that. But I'm sure White Oprah will spin this and say that LiLo really dumped The Wanted, because they ran out of coke. So take that, The Wanted.
In other LiLo news, TMZ says that A&E is close to greenlighting a Storage Wars spin-off called Storage Whores, because Lindsay Lohan hasn't paid her storage unit bill for months and everything inside is about to be auctioned off. LiLo owes the storage company around $16,000 and she doesn't have the cash to pay for it since she's broke. She's asked her friends and family for the money, but nobody has given it to her. If she doesn't pay the bill soon, everything in her storage until will be sold to the highest bidder. TMZ says that LiLo's got a bunch of clothes and family heirlooms in there.
So basically, that storage unit is filled with coke-stained leggings, Michael Lohan's mesh shirts, Ali Lohan's youth, White Oprah's sense of reason, LiLo's career, a black kid and empty bottles of Adequite vodka.
Lindsay Lohan has taken her stalking game international by following The Wanted to the UK, so she wasn't in court in Los Angeles today when a new judge she hasn't met, Commissioner Jane Godfrey, snatched probation away from her. LiLo is still on probation for stealing that necklace and it was revoked because she was officially charged for lying to the cops after she crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH. A hearing has been calendared in for January 13, 2013 and on that day, Judge Godfrey could throw LiLo in jail for 245 days for violating probation. Bitch should want to go to jail for 245 days, because you don't have to pay rent in there!
TMZ says that prosecutors think LiLo has had one million and four chances to stop fucking up and they should finally lock her up in a cell and stick the key up White Oprah's culito. But apparently, Judge Godfrey doesn't love sending messes to jail. Judge Godfrey presides over Drug Court and Homeless Court and she's known for sending people to therapy and rehab instead of jail. Judge Godfrey even has a special graduation ceremony for people who complete their therapy program and she uses her own money to buy them a Starbucks card for a graduation gift.
If LiLo is sent to jail, which she won't be, she'll be released due to overcrowding before she can even christen her cell by letting out a vodka-infused fart on the mattress. And if she's sent to a therapy program and gets a Starbucks gift card as a graduation gift, Judge Godfrey will regret the day she started giving out Starbucks gift cards. We all know what happened the last time a Lohan had a store card in their paw. They abused the power of the card and Fudgie the Whale almost got the fudge punched out of his ass. A Starbucks employee will know what it feels like to get slapped in the face with a Zac Brown Band CD when they refuse to trade LiLo's gift card for everything that's in the cash register and three cases of Starbucks Cabernet.
Charlie Sheen recently started his Save A Fellow Crack Whore Foundation and his first act of charity was sending Lindsay Lohan's manager a check for $100,000 to go toward her IRS debt. Two of the four horsemen, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, bonded on the set of Scary Movie 5 by taking turns slurping vodka shots out of a call girl's b-hole and they got so close that she told him she owes the IRS $234,000. Charlie was going to give LiLo a donation right then and there, but she refused to take his money. But Lindsay Lohan did take his money later when he sent her that $100,000.
While talking to Entertainment Tonight's Chris Jacobs, Charlie said that he did give Lindsay Lohan $100,000 and she took his money, but she never even dropped him one simple thank you. Charlie said that he was happy to "pay it forward" and he owed her money from a "project" she did for him. via ET:
"I'm still waiting for a text to say 'thank you,'" laughed Sheen. "Anything, you know?"
Nevertheless he wished "the best" for Lohan, explaining that she's "a very good and decent young lady that is just going through a lot."
He added, "She just needs a little bit of time…People need to give her time to get her shit together."
A project? The Untitled Lindsay Lohan Helped Charlie Sheen Dispose Of A Call Girl's Body After She Overdosed In His Trailer Project? That project? Or maybe he's talking about the Untitled Lindsay Lohan Promised Him A Foursome With Three Generations Of Lohans Project (insert Nana Lohan double side-eye here)? It's one of those projects, I'm sure.
Lindsay Lohan is smart for not saying thank you. Because saying thank you is confirming to him that she got the money and gave it to a pharmacy in Ensenada, Mexico in exchange for two truck fulls of Adderall.
And speaking of $100,000, I'm pretty sure I owe each of you $100,000. Because as soon your eyeballs landed on that picture of Charlie Sheen looking like Mr. Burns' droopy asshole, they exploded and now you need an eyeball transplant. I'll just say what Lindsay Lohan says when the IRS comes knocking on her door looking for money, "The check is in the mail....and by chance, are you holding right now?"
Lindsay Lohan owes the IRS hundreds of thousands of dollars, probably owes her lawyers even more and she can't pay her rent, so you'd think that maybe just maybe she'd handle her crappy situation by either Wesley Snipes-ing out of the country or making a quick dollar by doing porn for the blind. But no, instead Lindsay Lohan has latched her lips onto The Wanted's ass and is following them wherever they go. Bitch is the Penny Lane to their Stillwater.
LiLo's stalking of The Wanted started a couple of weeks ago on the night she got arrested for punching a Florida psychic. A few days later, LiLo hitchhiked her way to Philadelphia where The Wanted performed in one of those Jingle Balls. Then she rode the bus with them to Boston and eventually they made their way back to NYC. On Friday night, LiLo was backstage with The Wanted at Z100's Jingle Ball. The Wanted is going with this, because:
a) This is the most publicity that the ironically named The Wanted has ever gotten.
b) They got tired of chasing her out of their bunks with a bottle of bleach spray after she snuck onto their tour bus.
"Yeah it’s fun [having Lindsay on tour]. She's a good girl. I love that she can party nearly as hard as we can. We had a big night on the bus where Ed Sheeran came on with us and a few of our mates as well, and we just had one big party. It was great! I suppose we’re all good mates already, so I hope that lasts. She's cool. "I’m sure she’s got people around her that know her much better than we do. We're probably not the best influence, to be honest."
"Party NEARLY as hard we can?" Unless Max George drank so much of the sweet nectar that he got alcohol poisoning, died and is now a fully functional zombie whose body is preserved by alcohol, I doubt he can party as hard as that mess can. Also, "probably not the best influence"? Unless Max George's brain is an exact clone of Charles Manson's brain, I doubt that's true.
Here's some pictures from Friday night of LiLo looking like a bruised apricot that's been soaked in dirty bong water. You know, I take back what I said about how hanging out with The Wanted is a bad financial decision for her. Because while she was backstage, she stole a box of Pop Tarts out of The Wanted's dressing room and becoming the East Coast's #1 Pop Tarts distributor is totally going to fix all her money woes.
The last time Lindsay Lohan followed The Wanted somewhere, she ended up being dragged away in handcuffs after a Florida psychic wrongfully set her up by running into her fist. That didn't keep LiLo from stalking The Wanted, because she showed up in Philadelphia last night to see them perform at the Q102 Jingle Ball. You know LiLo is truly hard up for some British boy band dick when she gets up at 6am to take the $15 Chinatown bus from NYC to Philadelphia.
LiLo dressed up like a teenage runaway junkie and managed to get backstage to hang out with Max George (aka the bald one) by telling security that she was the winner of a charity contest. Surprisingly for everyone, LiLo didn't whoop a trick or get into any trouble. All she did was use her old witch claw to sign an autograph. Or should I say, LiLo thought she was signing an autograph, but was actually signing served civil papers. (Pro tip to servers everywhere: If you want Lindsay Lohan to sign, just ask her for an autograph. The mess falls for it every time.)
And if you were backstage at last night's Jingle Ball and asked the question, "Where is my wallet?", you now have your answer!
"DENIED, BITCH!" is what the cash machine will scream at White Oprah today when she tries to use a skimmed copy of Lindsay Lohan's ATM card. Lindsay Lohan apparently owes the IRS more than $233,000 for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010, and even though Charlie Sheen tried to save her by giving her $100,000, it wasn't enough. The IRS seized all of her bank accounts, which means that every member of the Lohan family will be at the soup kitchen asking where the open bar is.
TMZ, of course, says that the IRS tried to work with LiLo, but they're stick of waiting around for her to pay up and she hasn't even paid her 2011 taxes, so they froze her accounts to try to get paid. One source says that LiLo is freaking out about how her financial situation is rushing down a gutter river headed straight for a storm drain. LiLo is doing whatever she can to pay off her debt with the IRS.
That means we can expect the following headlines from TMZ:
1. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR ORGAN TRAFFICKING - TRIED TO SELL BROTHER'S KIDNEY!
2. FBI BUSTS LINDSAY LOHAN'S GERIATRIC PROSTITUTION RING - SHE TRIED TO SELL NANA LOHAN AND ALI LOHAN!
3. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY STEALING HOMELESS MAN'S $100 BOOTS!
The IRS is so shameless. They're obviously using Lindsay Lohan to get their 15 minutes of fame. They're going to hire Gloria Allred, give interviews to The Insider and start tweeting about how she called them a racial slur. They obviously set LiLo up. They're nothing but publicity whores.
It's a good thing that like every good mess, LiLo keeps all her money in the toilet tank.
When are the police going to stop unjustly arresting Lindsay Lohan and start investigating the ongoing crack hunt campaign to take her down? That 8-ball in her pocket? That's not her 8-ball, because that's not her pocket. Those aren't even her pants! She's never seen those pants in her life and doesn't know how they got on her body. That stolen necklace dangling out of her snatch? That's not even her snatch. It's the black kid's snatch! That baby in a stroller she almost ran over? That baby hurled itself and its stroller in front of her car! LiLo doesn't commit crimes, crimes are committed against her. Everyone is out to get her. I bet even the police are in on it. Shit, the police are probably reading this. You should take your laptop into the bathroom and turn on the shower while you read this, so the police won't be able to see it.
Of course, Lindsay Lohan didn't punch that Florida psychic on Thursday morning. Tiffany Mitchell isn't the victim here, LiLo is. According to TMZ, LiLo is telling her friends that Miss Cleo's apprentice offered LiLo a free reading at the club and after she turned the psychic down, the psychic's friends started crowding around her fancy purse, which was sitting on a nearby table. LiLo thinks they were trying to snatch her Celine purse and you can't thieve from a thief, so she got in Tiffany's face. LiLo says she did call her a "gypsy," but she didn't know that's a racial slur. LiLo never put her fist on Tiffany's face and thinks she was set up.
Page Six has a different story. Their source says that LiLo thought Tiffany and Tiffany's friends stole Ali Lohan's purse, which had $10,000 cash in it. So LiLo confronted them about it. The source went on to say some shit:
“Lindsay was saying, ‘I was trying to find out who stole Ali’s purse! I gave her the money for my family, to pay for my brother’s school fees!’ Lindsay says she never hit the girl. She just went over to find if they had her sister’s purse. They were looking around the area, but the girl was sitting at the table, and some pushing started. Lindsay says the purse was never found. She’s desperate to find where the money is.”
Oh yes, $10,000... That's funny, because that's the exact amount crack whores accuse the police of taking from their change cup when they're arrested outside of a 7-Eleven.
And as we all laugh at this mess, I'm sure that a gang of little black kids wearing Lindsay Lohan masks are counting ten thousand dollars in their super villain lair. The TAKE THAT CRACKIE DOWN mission is going according to plan. I bet Latarian Milton is their leader.
Lindsay Lohan's assistant Gavin Doyle dramatically quit yesterday morning after she kicked him out of her SUV and he immediately jumped on Twitter to tell her to get help. Everyone assumed by "help" he meant "REHAB!" But one of LiLo's lawyers Mark Heller says that alcohol never touched her lips the morning she punched one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends. Well, TMZ is basically calling Mark Heller a liar, because they say LiLo was drunk on booze when she fisted that psychic in the face, because she's always drunk on booze.
Several sources tell TMZ that for the past few months, LiLo wakes up in the morning, pours vodka in her coffee cup, brushes her teeth with vodka, gargles with vodka, cleans her pits out with vodka, fills her neti pot with vodka and buttchugs vodka. LiLo starts drinking vodka in the morning and keeps drinking vodka throughout the day. LiLo guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day. Either I prolapsed again or my liver just slipped out of my ass after I typed "guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day."
LiLo's friends (and even Michael Lohan) have all thrown up their arms and given up on trying to help her, because she won't listen to them and becomes a real mean bitch when she's drunk. LiLo's daily drinking grew to SANTO DIOS proportions when her money and legal troubles got worse.
If LiLo keeps sucking down 2 liters of vodka a day, it won't be long before most of her internal organs raise a white flag and/or the entire vodka industry tells us that there's a vodka shortage. Should I make A Vodka Message To Lindsay Lohan video or do you want to do it?