Lindsay Lohan

Stephen Rodrick was on the set of The Canyons almost every day during filming for a New York Times Magazine profile piece about the movie and he somehow made it out alive. That's saying a lot, because at one point, Stephen was in the same car as Lindsay Lohan. Stephen's piece is at least forty thousand words long, but it's worth it, because shit is fascinating. LiLo comes off as a narcissistic, self-entitled ball of delusion who lives on a different planet where time doesn't exist. It has everything you could ever want from a forty thousand word piece, so pop the crackcorn and put your eyes on it. Here's a few highlights from it:

Paul Schrader, the director of The Canyons, cast Lindsay Lohan even though the movie's writer Bret Easton Ellis told him she was wrong for the part. Paul told LiLo that she would only get $100 a day (plus profits) and had to shoot a four-way sex scene. LiLo agreed to that and was okay with having no say in making decisions. But a quick minute into production, LiLo was fired after she didn't show up to rehearse with her co-star James Deen. The producer Braxton Pope let LiLo know that she was fired and the crazy bitch showed up to Paul's hotel, banged on his door and gave the performance of her life! This truly is some Neely O'Hara shit:

Pope finally reached Lohan, telling her she was done. Lohan began to cry and begged for another chance. Pope told her that Schrader had made up his mind.

Lohan headed for the Orlando. She pounded on doors until she found Schrader’s room. As she banged on his door, she texted him manically. Schrader could hear her crying but wouldn’t let her in. He texted her instead.

“Lindsay, go home.”

The hotel manager rang up to ask if he should call the cops. Schrader told him no and sat down on his bed. Lohan stayed out in the hall sobbing for another 90 minutes before she finally left.

Paul gave her another chance when he watched her screen test again. Paul told her that if she fucked up again, he'd drop her ass off at the back of the unemployment line. Of course, she screwed up again. One day when they broke for lunch, LiLo said she wanted to go to a restaurant with her assistants and this made Paul and Braxton Pope nervous. So they made a co-producer drive LiLo and her group of messes to lunch. Since it's kind of weird snorting lines of vodka in front of your co-producer during lunch time, LiLo pulled this hot move:

A few hours later, the production broke for lunch. Lohan announced she wanted to grab a bite somewhere on the Pacific Coast Highway. This concerned Pope and Schrader — they could monitor her only as long as they could see her — so they dispatched the co-producer, Ricky Horne Jr., to chauffeur Honig, Lohan and her assistants to wherever they wanted to go.

Horne drove them down the hill, pausing at a security gate. That’s when his passengers did a jailbreak, jumping out of his car. Honig frantically pushed buttons until the gate opened and the four of them dashed for Lohan’s assistant’s car. Horne sat, baffled for a moment, before heading back up the hill and briefing Schrader. The director was furious.

“O.K., she’s lost the privilege of leaving for lunch. She stays here.”

Lohan returned, only 15 minutes late, emerging from makeup to an angry Schrader.

After James and LiLo shot a scene where he grabbed her, tripped her and then body-slammed her to the floor, someone complimented her on how good she was at acting terrified and she gave all the credit to Michael Lohan. You should definitely play "Confessions of a Broken Heart" while reading this:

Deen came to life; throwing the negligée-wearing Lohan hard to the ground and pounding his fist into a wall with such fury I wondered if he had broken his hand. Lohan lay slumped on the floor, her hands guarding her face, shoulders shaking, tears pouring down her cheeks. Between takes, she listened to Ryan Adams’s cover of “Wonderwall.” After three shots, Schrader said he was satisfied, and Lohan fumbled for a cigarette. She headed downstairs, and someone complimented her work.

“Well, I’ve got a lot of experience with that from my dad.”

She didn’t elaborate, and no one asked.

And after LiLo shot that four-way sex scene with James Deen and two other porn stars, which she really didn't want to do, she drove from the set drunk. YAY!

A few minutes later, Schrader yelled cut. The crew packed up. Pope went to check on Lohan. He noticed that she and Gavin had been drinking, which was understandable for a young woman shooting a sex scene with three porn stars. Quietly, Pope told Lohan that he could get her a driver to take her home. But she refused, jumped into her Porsche and headed down the dark, narrow road toward the P.C.H. They all hoped they would still have a lead actress in the morning.

It goes on and on and on and you should really read the whole thing. After reading all 500,000 words of this masterpiece, I only have one question: FOR WHY DIDN'T THEY TURN THIS INTO A REALITY SHOW?!!!

Add "Elizabeth Taylor's bracelet" to the list of ten thousand things that Lindsay Lohan allegedly put her sticky fingers on while filming Liz & Dick. Kleptohan was accused of trashing La Liz's old trailer and stealing a rocking chair, and now La Liz's longtime nurse is claiming that the freckled snatcher took a fancy bracelet from her.

Radar says that Liz's nurse got friendly with LiLo (mistake #1) during filming and invited her over (mistake #2) to show her an expensive bracelet from La Liz (mistake #2). Right after LiLo's visit, the nurse realized she got Lohan'd. The nurse's bracelet from Elizabeth Taylor was missing and LiLo kept denying she took it. When the nurse threatened to call the cops, LiLo magically spit up the bracelet and gave it back. I really hope that when LiLo gave it back, she at least dropped it on the table after saying, "This has always brought me good luck." It's what Liz would've wanted. The source had this to say about LiLo's latest act of thievery:

“Elizabeth had given the nurse an expensive bracelet that was very meaningful to her and the nurse absolutely cherished it. Lindsay immediately fell in love with the bracelet the minute she saw it and was very vocal about how much she admired it. A short time later, the bracelet disappeared from the nurse’s house … on the very same day Lindsay had been to visit.

The nurse initially gave Lindsay the benefit of the doubt, thinking that she had just accidentally forgotten to take the bracelet off after trying it on. However, that theory was soon shot down after she called Lindsay and she swore she did not take the bracelet and categorically denied having it in her possession. The nurse knew that was a blatant lie as the bracelet disappeared after Lindsay was at the house and she knew that it had to have been Lindsay who took it. In the end, it took over a week to get the bracelet back from Lindsay and it was only returned after the nurse threatened to call the cops. One of Lindsay’s people eventually returned the bracelet to the nurse, who was extremely upset about what had transpired."

Radar also has a story about how Bravo tried to take back the $250,000 worth of furniture that they gave LiLo for the show Million Dollar Decorators after she refused to film the big reveal. Bravo couldn't get any of the furniture back because she moved it all to an unknown storage unit. I saw that episode last night and can't believe that crap was worth $250,000. You can get all that shit at a PB Kids outlet.

Anyway, how does everybody not know that Lindsay Lohan takes shit? That nurse should know that LiLo will steal a tampon right out of your twat if she needed one. It's her way and it's the reason why State Farm now offers Lindsay Lohan insurance to homeowners. It's half of that nurse's fault for not slapping LoJack and The Club on that bracelet before letting LiLo even know that it exists.

Everybody should do what my abuelita did practically every night: spoon with your pocketbook in bed, because you never know when a Lohan might try to take something from it.

Michael Lohan has already blamed all of Lindsay Lohan's problems on the fact that White Oprah is an enabling coke vacuum of delusion, and now it's her turn to blame him for their daughter's poor decision-making skills. Inside of a Long Island hotel room and surrounded by cops and medical reports, White Oprah told the New York Daily News about Michael Lohan's history of domestic abuse. White Oprah is only speaking out about it now, because Adderall pills don't grow on tree and her back alley pharmacists need to get paid Lindsay Lohan encouraged her to after seeing an old picture of her with a black eye.

The picture from 1986 shows White Oprah with a bruised-up eye and a baby LiLo in her arms. When LiLo saw that picture, she screamed, "Tell the world! Talk about it!" So that's what White Oprah is doing. White Oprah says that black eye is just one of the many that Michael Lohan gave her during their marriage and his abuse is the reason why LiLo is a mess. White Oprah got the black eye after a coked-up, drunken Michael Lohan Chris Brown'd her in the car. White Oprah produced medical records proving that on December 4, 1986, emergency room doctors treated her for "blunt trauma" to the face. When the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about it, he had a different version of the story:

“I came in at 2 o’clock in the morning after being out with some friends. I walked in and she hit me with an ice tray. With the back of my hand I slapped her in the face. Yes, it did happen in 1986. Were there any charges? No, not at all. I had a big black and blue on my neck from her."

White Oprah says she didn't press charges, because Michael was already headed to the chokey for committing securities fraud while working as a stock broker on Wall Street. When Michael got out of jail in 1990, she says he showed up to her parents' house in a limo and begged her to take him back. She says Michael was coked all the way up at the time and kept begging her to give him another chance. When she refused, Michael immediately turned into a monster and raped her as the kids slept upstairs.

After he left and her parents came home, she went to the emergency room at Nassau County Hospital. Doctors examined her and collected evidence in a rape kit. Once again, she didn't press any charges, because she says Michael Lohan was on his way to prison again for insider trading.

Most of what comes out of White Oprah's mouth is a certified lie, but I actually believe her this time. Since Michael Lohan is a dried piece of demon shit stuck under Lucifer's CROC, he told the NYDN that he never raped White Oprah and she's the one who wanted sex from him.

“How can you rape a person when they’re on top of you?” he asked.
They were separated at the time, Michael explained, and he was dating another woman.

He said Dina claimed rape in a jealous fit after she called him later that night and heard he was with the girlfriend.

“I went over to her parents’ house and made love to her,” he said Sunday. “When I left and she called me, she found out I was with (the girlfriend) and called police. Then she called me the next day, crying. I said, ‘Let’s work this out.’ And I got back with Dina. There were no charges.”

White Oprah says that the abuse continued over the years and she got several orders of protection against Michael Lohan. She stayed for the sake of the kids and wants the world to know that Michael Lohan is to blame for LiLo being a professional fuck-up:

“She saw a lot of crazy stuff. I want the world to know the root of her problems. Lindsay saw all the beatings and all the abuse. She said, ‘Stay, mommy, don’t leave.' She said, ‘I’m so sorry for making you stay.’ But I didn’t stay for Lindsay — I wanted all my kids to be happy.

I need to make the world aware that Lindsay is messed up because her father is messed up.”

Michael called White Oprah the "devil" and said that she's just bringing this up, because she wants people to forget that she's partying and getting high with LiLo.

White Oprah is half-right, LiLo is messed up because her father is messed up, but she's also messed up because her mother is messed up too. Usually when one piece of trash fuck-up (see: Michael Lohan) makes a baby with another fuck-up (see: White Oprah), the baby grows up to either be a fuck-up or realizes they don't want to be a fuck-up and escapes their family by entering a monastery far, far away. Yes, that's Cody Lohan's cue to shave his head and start heading for the giant holy building up in the mountains.

And LiLo was supposed to be in court today for slapping that psychic in a club, but the hearing was pushed back, because prosecutors realized she has more important things to do like party in London (see: pictures below).

Why anyone would want to party with Lindsay Lohan, let alone pay for it, is beyond me. Bitch will drink your entire supply of booze, snatch your wallet, clog up all the toilets and say goodbye by punching you in the face. Bitch kills a party faster than an angry drunk abuelita with diarrhea. But the third in line to the throne of Brunei did pay Lindsay Lohan to show up to his party in London. Prince Azim could've lured LiLo to his party by leaving a trail of jooree, bottles of Popov vodka and generic Adderall from NYC to London, but I guess he loves wasting money, because he paid her $100,000.

White Oprah tells Huffington Post that LiLo didn't go to London to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house with other A-listers like Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and (insert the name of a bunch of British never-wases here).  LiLo went to London, because the Prince of Brunei dialed up Rent-A-Mess and summoned her there. Just like Mariah Carey and Raquel Welch before her, Lindsay Lohan was paid a shit load of money and had all her expenses taken care of by Prince Azim. Some source tells the NYDN that Prince Azim loves renting celebrities for his parties and since LiLo is hard up for a dollar, she took that check. For some reason the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about LiLo getting paid to party and he opened up his corroded pie hole to queef this out: “Now she’s getting paid for dates?” and Michael Lohan went on to say, "...and since I'm her co-pimp, bitch better have my cut." 

Some people are laughing at LiLo's newest act of desperation, but in all seriousness I think it's a smart move. Lindsay Lohan got paid to be Lindsay Lohan. Prince Azim sat on this throne and clapped all gleefully as LiLo slapped his guests, deep-throated several bottles of Grey Goose, ran over a baby, made the bartender empty out the cash register and then gave the prince a half-assed hand job while re-tweeting a Winston Churchill quote. Bitch does that for free every single night, so I can't hate on her for getting paid for it. That should be LiLo's new career. Clowns and mariachi bands are out! If you want to make your next party a memorable experience, hire a cracked out jester.

Here's LiLo showing off her new lips while waltzing into a restaurant in London the other night.

It's not what you think!! Dina Lohan is NOT completely exploded in the brains out of her mind sidewalk licking DRUNK in these pictures. She is just being an excellent mother by trying to distract everyone from the bloated wasted mess in yet another fur (the Salvation Army must have had a clearance sale) that is her daughter Lindsay. Good plan Dina!! Because the first thing I noticed was that your ass was falling off of your heels and you looked about two seconds from throwing down a pile of puke and then face planting into a cactus or whatever plant was handy. Like daughter, like mother. LieLo looks positively fresh and sober in comparison and that is no easy task. Slow clap for 2008's Mother of the Year!

The pictures were taken on December 30th when they were leaving Cipriani in London. SEE JUDGE? Lindsay said she was going to stay in for New Years Eve (she didn't) and get her life straight in 2013 (she won't), so technically, you and the rest of us should be okay with this (we aren't)!

We all know that Lindsay Lohan has no shame, no pride, and not one fuck to give (LIES!!! - Lindsay's johns). We were all wondering why her broke ass stowed away on a plane to London as Jay Harvey reported yesterday (no we weren't, but just go with it). So it's no surprise that even after Max George from the Wanted called her a groupie, and even though she said her ass was staying home and baking cookies for New Year's Eve, Crushable says they can guess why: to continue following the band around like a mangy kitchen ass fur wearing puppy dog. LiLo, the Unwanted. No, I'm sure she's in London to entertain the royals at their request. HAHAAHAHA I crack myself up.

So much for impressing the judge in her probation violation case or club slap down case or whichever charge she's facing this time by NOT partying like a rock star. Well, I guess the Wanted aren't real rock stars, so it doesn't count. She's just partying like a blip on the music screen, so it's okay. Plus, she consulted her Magic 8 Ball, asked it if Max really loved her, and it responded "HELL NO" so she took that as a maybe. Then she smoked it.

For all you bitches who are currently having issues with the IRS (which is a lovely organization so please don't audit me for mentioning you on a gossip blog), take heart. You still have to pay but discounts are possible. Just do what Ole' Swole Lips up there did. When the dude comes to collect the check, answer the door in your hottest fishnet bodysuit with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 clutched in your claw. Grab him by the tie, yank his ass in, get on your knees, and suck that dude's dick like you were scuba diving and his cock had the oxygen. Give that guy the best head he's ever had in his life. Make him feel like you just sucked his soul out through his cock. Yes, IRS workers have souls and they're beautiful like rainbows. And watch the amount you owe get smaller!

The utterly humorless Lindsay Lohan owed the IRS $100,000 because she snorted the 2009 tax payment for her house in Encino up her nose instead of handing it over. And E! sez they let her remove her lien for $93,701.57! Don't you just love a bargain, as the Christmas Tree Shop ads in my neck of the woods used to jingle? She was able to use the $100,000 she got from yuckmouth Charlie Sheen to pay her debt, AND she had money left over to buy scratch tickets for the rest of the Lohans as Christmas presents! The rest went to Roto-Rooter. Lindsay Lohan is a financial genius! Suze Orman better watch her ass. Cuz' Lindsay misplaced a crack rock and she'll go up an ass to find it.

This doesn't mean that Lohan's checking account is ready to bloom once again (if it was, she'd find a way to harvest and smoke that shit). She still owes $133,000 for her 2010 taxes AND owes for her 2011 taxes. That's a lot of cocksucking. Her jaw's going to be in traction. I'm sure White Oprah can chip in ("I'll take the 50 dicks on the right." - Dina Lohan).

Nana Lohan, don't answer any of Lindsay's calls for the foreseeable future. That shifty bitch would totally put her granny on the corner to cover her tab.

In "Lindsay Lohan Needs To Switch From Coke To The Good Shit So She Can Calm The Hell Down" news, Lindsay Lohan is farting all over the producers of Scary Movie 5 for lying and tricking her ass. Yes, LiLo tricks hos on a daily basis (cut to the IRS cursing her name after finding out that the $200,000 she sent them to pay for her overdue tax bill is actually counterfeit money printed at Kinko's) and everything that leaps off of her tongue is a certified lie, but if anybody tricks or lies to her there will be hell to pay. And yes by "hell to pay," I mean White Oprah is going to break into their house and swallow their medicine cabinet whole after selling their children to a "modeling agency" in Korea.

TMZ says that LiLo is mad at the producers, because in the script, she lets out a horrified scream at a TV showing a scene from Herbie: Fully Loaded. But in the trailer that came out on Friday, LiLo screams at a TV showing her sashaying into the court room after her probation is revoked. LiLo is all mad, because the producers never cleared that joke with her first and she thinks they're just getting back at her ass, because she trashed her trailer and broke the toilet by caca-ing out the coke balloons she forgot she shoved up her butt during a quickie trip to Mexico a few months before.

So basically, LiLo was about as pleasant as a urethra pimple and the producers got back at her by making a probation joke. You know, I wasn't planning on seeing Scary Movie 5, but now I am, because it's my way of slow clapping for the producers who screwed with her. If the California Justice System followed Scary Movie 5's lead and screwed with LiLo by throwing her in a jail cell full of "gypsies," 2013 would be the best year ever!

And if they wanted to make that shit extra scary, they'd cut every scene from the movie and just show LiLo screaming at a TV playing the GIF of LiLo screaming. Your nightmares will never be the same again.

Here's the trailer for the movie where Lindsay Lohan refused to put her mouth on Charlie Sheen's mouth, because if their saliva mixed together, a super-resistant monster STD strain would be born and bitch is already in enough trouble with the CDC. In LiLo's last movie, she pretty much made fun of Elizabeth Taylor by playing her and in Scary Movie 5 she makes fun of herself. While parodying Paranormal Activity, LiLo and Charlie try to make a sex tape, but can't, because her sobriety monitor, tracking anklet and dog shock collar are in the way. TMZ says that (SPOILER ALERT if you care) LiLo ends up running Charlie Sheen over with her car and blames it on somebody else. Only LiLo can collect a check for making fun of how she constantly butt fucks the California Justice System without lube.

And it was a nice touch putting a half-melted, bronzer-covered Scream mask over LiLo's face for all her scenes.

Lindsay Lohan is as pure as a morning dew drop on a freshly bloomed daffodil's petal and her lips are as untouched as a newborn kitten's asshole before it takes its inaugural shit, so of course she wouldn't want to dirty herself up by kissing on a wart-ridden, sore-covered, filthy bag of sucio. TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan's scenes with Charlie Sheen for Scary Movie 5 were the most terrifying scenes ever written in the history of scene writing, because the script called for them to touch mouths at least three times. They didn't touch mouths three times, though. They barely touched mouths at all, because LiLo refused to kiss Charlie. LiLo knows where Charlie's mouth has been, because her skank mouth has been to some of the same places.

TMZ's source says that on shooting day, Charlie and LiLo got into bed together and he was down to smear his crack smoke-covered lips all over the rubber slugs on her mouth, but she wouldn't do it. They both put their signatures on a release saying that they didn't have cold sores on their mouths, but she still wouldn't kiss him and nobody knows why. TMZ's source says that before they even started shooting, LiLo told her friends that she didn't want to mouth hump on Charlie. Even if Charlie marinated his lips in vodka for 12 hours she wouldn't want to kiss him. Even if Charlie removed his dentures and put in teeth made of cocaine she wouldn't want to kiss him. LiLo didn't want any of that.

They tried to use a body double (aka horny ass White Oprah), but it didn't really work so most of the kissing crap was cut out.

I know this is like the oozing open sore saying "Don't get near me, you're gross!" to the oozing open sore, but you still have to give it to Lindsay Lohan. Bitch was probably snorting kitty litter cut with coke off of Charlie's crusty taint in his dressing room, but when it came time to kiss him in front of people, she suddenly grew standards. She basically called Charlie a nasty bitch in front of everyone and he still gave her $100,000. Ho is delusional, but you can't hate her hustle. Besides, Charlie should know that most smart whores never kiss on the mouth. Now if the scene called for LiLo to kiss Charlie's other lips, it would've been a different (and more horrifying) story.