Lindsay Lohan

Over the weekend, Charlie Sheen continued to use LiLo's name to get some free publicity by openly declaring that he wants to take LiLo under his cracked out wing and show her the way. Charlie proclaimed his love for LiLo and said that they are practically the same, because he's the kind of john who will pay a hooker $1,000 to snort a bump of coke out of his butt with her cooch and she's the kind of hooker who will snort a bump of coke out of a john's butt with her cooch for $1,000. They're soulmates. But TMZ says that LiLo is telling her friends that Charlie is not going to be her life coach and he needs to shut his damn mouth:

Sources close to LiLo tell TMZ ... while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her -- and he's done a lot -- she would NEVER take him as a mentor. She's saying she knows her life is "out of control," but doesn't think the precept, "It takes one to know one," is the way to go.

She says she's grateful Charlie gave her $100k for her back taxes and supported her in "Scary Movie 5." Lindsay says she talks to Charlie from time to time ... but gripes he has no business talking about her to the media.

According to our sources, Lindsay has been regularly meeting with a therapist and feels the consistency has helped.

LiLo hasn't stabbed a psychic in the neck with a broken bottle in over a week and she knows being around Charlie isn't the best thing for her, so maybe this therapist (aka her week night dealer) is helping her after all. I mean, Charlie's backyard pool is filled with the bad shit, vodka pours out of every faucet in his house, his bidet shoots out liquid meth and next to every tub is a bag full of bath salts (the drug, not the skin soother) and LiLo turned all of that down. LiLo could've lived in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of crack houses, but she said no.

Or maybe she had her one moment of clarity and realized that sucking on Charlie's soggy tampon dick for unlimited supplies of coke is not worth it. She'll get her own coke herself. Either way, our little crackie is growing up!

Seen her in Dublin telling the paps about the first time he gazed deep up into Lindsay Lohan's black hole of cooch, Charlie Sheen is telling TMZ that he wants to be LiLo's permanent Captain-Save-A-Ho and he thinks he'd be the perfect mentor. Yeah, I don't know if Charlie wants to be her actual mentor or if he's confusing the meaning of "mentor" with the meaning of "pimp" again. If it's the latter, he'll have to win LiLo by pimp fighting White Oprah near the dumpsters in back of the T.G.I. Friday's on Long Island.

Charlie has already bailed a ho out by giving LiLo $100,000 to pay her taxes and he gave her a guest spot on his show Anger Management,  and now he's telling TMZ that he wants to help that freckled vodka stain full-time. LiLo's cracked out knight in aluminum foil armor shat out these words to TMZ about helping out a fellow fuck-up:

"I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her."

I love her, I respect her, and I've never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film. How ya like me now, America?"

Never laid a finger on her? That bandaged thumb tells me otherwise, because any finger that touches LiLo's crotch gets burned. And that whole line translates into, "Well, she sucked me off once, so technically I am telling the truth. No fingers were involved."

LiLo should take him up on his offer, because why the hell not? Spending at least 5 minutes with LiLo's annoying ass will make Charlie snort up every line of coke in the L.A. area and he'll pass out. Then while he's knocked out, LiLo can get into his computer and wire everything in his checking account to her account on the Caymans. It'll be her greatest heist yet.

But really, you know you've found the rock bottom of rock bottom when Charlie Sheen thinks he can help you to be a responsible and sober person.

And here's Charlie, his stack of foreskin chins and his piece of the moment Georgia Jones in his Dublin, Ireland last night.

I guess that lucky rabbit foot lost all of its magic, because Lindsay Lohan's tiny lawyer got dragged across the court room this morning by a judge who told him in so many words that he's way too dumb in the brains to be a lawyer. Judge James Dabney told Mark Heller that he's totally incompetent (like client, like lawyer) and that LiLo either needs to get herself a competent California lawyer or she needs to come to court and declare that she's okay with a dumb fuck representing her. Oh, Judge James Dabney, I think I'm in love with you.

Both Radar and TMZ say that during the hearing today, Mark Heller filed several motions including asking the court to postpone LiLo's trial, because she's fragile or some shit and deserves "mercy and compassion." Judge Dabney shat on all of Mark Heller's motions before throwing them out of court. Judge Dabney said the legal documents that Mark Heller filed were totally screwed up and read like they were written by a cracked out, half brain-dead pigeon (Side note: Did Mark Heller give LiLo a part-time job as his legal secretary?). Judge Dabney said that it's obvious that Mark Heller knows nothing about criminal law and he shouldn't be handling LiLo's case. Judge Dabney continued to slap down the real life Barry Zuckerkorn by saying:

“Somebody needs to come in to assist you who has SOME experience in California law for procedure or Miss Lohan is going to have to come in here and waive her right to have attorneys who are competent in California law and procedure to go forward. [The motions filed were] lacking in conformity to California law and procedure….I am somewhat concerned that you have sufficient guidance in criminal procedure in California.”

Since LiLo turned down the prosecution's plea deal, she's going to trial on March 18th and who knows if Mark Heller will be there.

The press conference that Mark Heller held afterward was even more of a mess. Mark Heller is a natural born comedian and he needs to teach LiLo how to really entertain people, because he quoted Ben Affleck's Oscar speech, said he didn't think that the judge was calling him "incompetent" and then said that she's not addicted to drugs or booze. Bitch delivered punchline after punchline.

I hope that LiLo does the right thing by not firing Mark Heller, because that silly legal troll is a gift to comedy. I will always trust a lawyer who carries a fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and quotes Ben Affleck.

I recognize that look on White Oprah's face. That's the "should I barf first and then pass out or should I pass out and then barf in my sleep?" face. Always go with the former, because sometimes a puddle of barf will cushion your fall.

Lindsay Lohan obviously lied to the cops about driving her Porsche right into an 18 wheeler and she was probably drunk while doing it, but she's sticking with her best friend Delusion and claiming that she's linnocent! The prosecutors in the case offered to keep LiLo out of a jail cell if she agreed to go to rehab for 60 days and do community service in New York. LiLo's buffoon of a lawyer, Mark Heller, and the prosecutors spent part of their day yesterday working out the plea deal over the phone, but nothing came of it. Mark shook his head no to the deal and when prosecutors dropped the rehab time from 60 days to 30 days, he still shook his little head no. TMZ says that if it were only up to Mark Heller, he'd take the plea deal, but LiLo refuses to, because she thinks she doesn't have a problem and didn't do anything wrong.

A source says that LiLo isn't going to take a plea deal, because she feels like she's accepting punishment for something she didn't do. The prosecutors don't really care if LiLo doesn't take the plea deal, because they're ready to go to trial on March 18th.

Let's try to look at this from LiLo's blood shot, blurry eyes. If she does take a plea deal, she'll have to do the following:

1. Sit in rehab without the paparazzi keeping her relevant by taking her picture every 45 seconds.
2. Sit in rehab without enablers pouring free booze into her drink hole.
3. Sit in rehab without enablers sucking on her dehydrated apricot ass lips while telling her that she's going to have the comeback of all comebacks.

Or she can tell them to eat that plea deal and do the following instead:

1. Put on a designer court outfit bought with a stolen credit card.
2. Smile for the cameras as dozens of paparazzi take her picture as she strolls onto the great big stage called a court room.
3. Become the headliner and star of TMZ's live feed from the court room.
4. Put on her best "I'm totally going to do right this time, your honor" face while hiding her inner smirk as the judge finds her guilty and sentences her to a lifetime of doing what she's always been doing.
5. Celebrate by doing tequila shots off her Porsche's steering wheel as she speeds down PCH!

Hmmm...I wonder which option she's going to go with?

TMZ says that right after Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH, police found a bottle of booze lying next to her car and one officer said the smell of alcohol was wafting out of her mouth. LieLo told the cops that she wasn't driving the Porsche, but a bunch of witnesses saw her driving and said she switched places with her assistant right after she butt fucked the 18-wheeler hard. The police didn't give LiLo a Breathalyzer test, because they knew it would explode if she blew into it and they didn't want to deal with broken equipment. They didn't give her a sobriety test at the time, because they thought she was a passenger and there's nothing illegal about being a drunk passenger. (If there was, I'd be on death row.) They also didn't give her a sobriety test, because they knew she'd fail and they'd waste their time by arresting her since nothing ever happens to her.

Before LiLo's dumb ass fired Shawn Holley without knowing it, Shawn was working on a plea deal in the case. After Shawn told LiLo that she'd rather suck off a lamprey than continue to be her lawyer, the plea deal was taken off of the table. But LiLo's new lawyer, that buffoon Mark Heller, is currently negotiating a new plea deal that'll keep her ass out of the clink. The Santa Monica Attorney is offering LiLo 60 days in rehab and community service in New York if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche. They also want LiLo to go to a bunch of AA meetings. Mark Heller and the SM Attorney are expected to make a deal today...maybe.

So to recap: this freckled piece of foreskin lint was most likely driving drunk and she lied to the cops, and she's still not going to jail. I used to think that coming out of White Oprah's snatch was a curse, but I guess it was a gift. You get to do whatever the hell you want.

And I bet that part of the deal is that the LAPD will have to give LiLo two bottles of vodka. One bottle of vodka is for the bottle of vodka she had to pour out on the side of the road when the cops showed up after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. The second bottle of vodka is for ruining her buzz by asking her a bunch of questions after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. I mean, can't the cops just let Lindsay Lohan drive drunk in peace! (Apparently, they can and they are.)

Charlie Sheen already gave Lindsay Lohan $100,00, because he thinks he's Hollywood's premiere Captain-Save-A-Ho and he has a soft spot for train wrecky hos in need. (You know what I mean by "soft spot." I'll leave it at that.) TMZ says that LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and now the State of California is coming at her, because she didn't give them any tax money in 2011. They want over $56,000 from her. So what is a train wrecky ho in need to do? Bitch probably called up Daddy Charlie and he told her she had to work for it this time.

When Charlie tells a ho that she has to work for that money, that's her cue to get naked and grab the donkey, the latex gloves, the tub of Crisco, the midget twins, the anal speculum and the dildo gas mask. But this time, Charlie meant that LiLo has to get to work on his basic cable show. Deadline says that LiLo will play herself on an episode of FX's Anger Management. In the episode that airs in April, LiLo gets down with Charlie after meeting him in therapy. So this is the second time that LiLo and Charlie will get into bed together in front of the cameras (private sex tapes they made together don't count.)

The last thing people need to see is LiLo and Charlie kissing, because I'm sure it looks just like a malnourished salamander nibbling on an uncooked turkey burger. Nobody wants to see that. Save it for American Horror Story. Instead of airing the actual episode, they should air the making of the episode. I really want to see Charlie scream his hairpiece off when LiLo locks herself in her trailer and refuses to come out, because she doesn't like the tone of the script.

Since this is the second time Lohan and Sheen are working together, we can officially call them the Tracy and Hepburn of our time! And "Lohan Sheen" sounds like a fancy name for the coke sweats. Perfect!

Even the Salvation Army shouldn't let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress unless they don't want it back or are okay with it coming back to them drenched in bottom shelf vodka and covered with the blood splatters of some chick she hit in the face with a bottle. The only real reason to let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress is if you've taken a $1 million life insurance policy (they really should sell life insurance policies for dresses) out on it and you want it to disappear off the face of the planet so you can cash in. But Lindsay Lohan's own personal Captain-Save-A-Ho Charlie Sheen helped a trick out again by sweet talking stylist Phillip Bloch into getting her a dress for an amFAR event two weeks ago. LiLo wore a beaded dress from Theia that cost $1,750. When Theia got the dress back, it was in the same state as Lindsay Lohan's career:

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That dress is just a tattered pile of tragicness. It's like a dress version of White Oprah.

You're close if you're thinking that LiLo's dress looks like that because after she spilled some whiskey on it, a pack of drunk wolves attacked her and dragged her into an alley where a high-speed dump truck ran into her, sending her flying into a trash can fireplace. A source tells UsWeekly that LiLo's dress looks like that because it ripped at a club after the amFAR event.

"She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] -- she couldn't possibly wear it like that -- so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress. She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! She's out of control and behaving really badly."

Hey, at least they got the dress back and if they shake all the coke residue off of it, they probably have enough for a pretty fat line. Also, they can sell it on eBay as a Lohan original! And yes, White Oprah is going to want a cut of that sale.

"Lindsay Lohan is psychotic" replaced "water is wet" as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson's British socialite of a mother Ann Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.

The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tells The Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn't a euphemism for pussy bumpin'. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn't going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.

"Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.

I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home."

This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn't screaming, because she's so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter's old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.

This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:

Lindsay Lohan showed up to the amfAR Gala in NYC last night and where oh where to begin...

THOSE CHEEKS! Phoebe Price better inject her farm to table cheeks with massive amounts of growth hormones, because LiLo is showing her up in the chicken cutlets department. LiLo's got a Costco chicken cutlets family pack stuffed into those cheeks.

THOSE LIPS! That lipstick color makes her lips look like two long keloids. Not that she was invited, but the only way LiLo can go to the Grammys this Sunday is if she covers the puffy labia lips on her face with a pussy pastie.

THAT WIG WEAVE THING! I'm not sure if that's an old wig, factory-defected Barbie hair from the Mattel factory or if she just pulled clumps of hair out of the drain, sprayed them down with shellac and threw that shit on her head.

THOSE SHOES! Those are the shoes that come in the amateur drag queen starter kit.

WOODY ALLEN! Creepy ass Woody Allen looks creeped out and that's an achievement since the contents of his hard drive can probably make the most seasoned FBI agent blush.

THE ENTIRE LOOK! It's very "60-something retired Italian porn star turned black widow."

With all that being said, this might be the best she's looked in months! I guess living in White Oprah's house is doing her some good. Yeah, the NYDN says that LiLo can't even afford rent at the Y, so she's moved back into her old room at White Oprah's house on Long Island. QUICK! Somebody get Albert Maysles over there, because that mess sounds like the coked up, drunk version of Grey Gardens. Grey Goose Gardens!

If you're throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan's bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you're obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.

LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better." The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she's a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I'm glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.

I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York,  got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie's culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn't licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo's upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, "No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu." I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.

You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.

And Judge Stephanie set LiLo's next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won't face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let's all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.

A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.