Lindsay Lohan

Page Six is saying that Lindsay Lohan went to a party at Kristen Stewart's house (read: broke into Kristen Stewart's house through a guest bedroom window) and bonded with KStew all night (read: went through KStew's trash and stole a used tampon, burnt weed buds and a grease ball of hair, which she's going to sell on the down low to Twihards who need a fix).

Page Six's source says that LiLo and Kristen Stewart know each other through a mutual friend (read: their dealer) and so LiLo was invited to one of KStew's parties last week. The source said that RPattz was at the party too, but it was LiLo who got all of KStew's attention and the two messes "discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi.”

Yeah, that's not what they talked about. They both have the communication skills of an extra slow cave baby, so I doubt they even exchanged more than 5 words. They stared at each other, KStew drooled and LiLo grunted before one of them finally shouted, "Want to smoke some meth?!" Then they scissored until the carbon monoxide alarm went off. The end.

But seriously, LiLo needs to stop leaking stories to Page Six. Oh, LiLo, that wasn't Kristen Stewart's house. It was a dumpster behind the Seventh Veil strip club on Sunset Blvd. And that wasn't Kristen Stewart you were bonding with. It was a malnourished alley rat. I know, it's easy to get the two confused.

Here's KStew's best friend (in her head) getting on a flight to Brazil while wearing her latest mug shot ensemble.

Lindsay Lohan is currently rubbing her cokey vag all over musician type Avi Snow (she would get it on a dude with the last name "Snow"), but a few months ago she was apparently spreading her chocha queso on a dude who had a girlfriend of five years. The girlfriend Aesha Waks (the girl on the left who sort of looks like she's made with half Olsen DNA and half Arquette DNA) tells Star Magazine that her full-time, live-in piece Liam McMullan (the dude in the middle who looks like the dandiest Slytherin you've ever seen) left her after he hooked up with Lindsay Lohan.

Aesha said that Liam didn't spend Christmas with her and when she asked him about it he let her know that he spent Jesus' birthday tangled up in Lindsay Lohan's pussy. Now, if you're dude tells you that he put his lips on LiLo's sex parts, you change the locks, forget he existed and rinse your ears out with bleach just in Lohan diseases are catchable through a phone call (it's more than possible). But Aesha didn't do any of that. She begged him to come back to her. If only dignity came in a pill, Aesha wouldn't have said any of this shit:

“Lindsay destroyed my world. I am devastated and still love him, but he says he wants to be with her and save her. I was supposed to spend Christmas day with Liam and his family, but he cancelled. A few days later, Liam finally got in touch and said that he and Lindsay had formed a ‘deep spiritual relationship.’ He admitted that he had actually been with Lindsay on Christmas, lying in bed for hours together.”

Liam tells Star that he and Aesha were done before he got with LiLo.

Deep spiritual relationship? Yeah, I've had many of those. I've had one with my a throw pillow after taking thirty too many bong hits. Deep spiritual relationship is just a fancy way of saying LiLo's got good coke. If your piece leaves you for Lindsay Lohan, it has nothing to do with you personally. Bitch just left your ass, because LiLo has better drugs than you. That's all!

Lindsay Lohan was so close to pulling her greatest con yet and TMZ and that spotlight-humping whore Dr. Drew had to ruin it all! The Santa Monica City Attorney agreed to let LiLo serve 90 days in a lockdown rehab facility in New York instead of going to jail. The judge signed off on it and LiLo's itty bitty lawyer Mark Heller said that there was a lockdown rehab facility in NYC. Since Googling "Does lockdown rehab exist?" is hard, none of the prosecutors checked to see if the littlest lawyer was telling the truth. But TMZ checked and they found out that lockdown rehab is a fairytale place that only exists in the mind of Mark Heller. No such things exists.

They checked and couldn't find one private rehab joint in the entire country that locks the doors and forces their patients to stay there. The only lockdown rehab facility in NY they did find is connected to a prison and you need a felony record to get. Surprisingly, LiLo doesn't have a felony record. TMZ asked Dr. Drew about the myth that is lockdown rehab and he said, "There is no rehab that will hold you against your will, unless they feel the person is a suicide risk, and in that case they can hold the individual for 72 hours."

So now the prosecutors are at their desks Googling "Does lockdown rehab exist?" Apparently, they're trying to figure out what to do now that they've been duped and they might just throw her in jail.

Dammit all! LiLo was probably going to check into a spa resort that holds AA meetings/mocktail classes in their bar every other week (that practically counts as rehab) and then she was going to stuff her bed with pillows and strands of dried orange seaweed. Every time the prosecutors called to make sure she's there, the maid would peek into her room, see the strands of dried orange seaweed on her bed, mistake it for her weave and tell them that she's there and sleeping. Meanwhile, she'd be partying with her johns somewhere. And now TMZ has foiled her plan! Bitch will probably be sent to jail instead and she'll sit in a cell for a total of 90 seconds before they release her due to overcrowding. Woe is her!

And I don't know why the prosecutors believed Mark Heller in the first place. You should never trust a charbroiled troll with Henry Winkler hair. They're the shiftiest.

Before Lindsay Lohan checks herself into lockdown rehab for 90 days, she's going to fly to Brazil to collect a six-figure check to pose and party at several events. TMZ says that right after LiLo shoots a guest appearance on her sugar daddy's show Anger Management, she's taking her freckled ass to South America. If the California Justice System really wants LiLo to serve that 90 days, they better attach a 6,000 mile-long leash on her ass, because something tells me bitch is going to predictably "lose" her passport or she's going to marry a South American drug lord and stay down there forever. Brazil better close their doors to all things Lohan before they're stuck with her ass.

LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and since they refused White Oprah's offer to call it even in exchange for Cody Lohan's internal organs, LiLo has to somehow come up with the money. Some source tells TMZ that LiLo made a six-figure deal with a clothing line to promote their shit in Brazil. LiLo leaves on Wednesday. Since TMZ's source's name probably rhymes with Vina Hohan, she's probably exaggerating as usual and by "six-figures" she really means two 8-balls and a half bottle of gin.

In other LiLo news, TMZ also says that even though she accepted 90 days in rehab, she doesn't think she has a problem with booze and keeps filling her body with the sweet nectar. LiLo was guzzling down vodka sodas just hours after she was sentenced to rehab and she's been partying ever since. On Friday night, LiLo and a friend showed up to a club called FLUXX in San Diego and sat at a VIP table. LiLo apparently didn't want to be seen, because she wore a hoodie sweatshirt and a cap. Several vodkas on the rocks made their way down LiLo's throat and she demanded that the server bring her vodka in a glass carafe, because she didn't want any booze bottles on the table.

TMZ also reports that a bear shit in the woods on Friday night.

Lindsay Lohan getting as much booze in her body as she can before she checks into rehab is about as surprising as me spending my Friday night drunkenly watching Showgirls on Cinemax and reciting every single line. I can't do a lot of things while drunk (example: pee standing up), but I can perfectly recite every line in Showgirls.

White Oprah's going to need a longer mantel, because here's another gorgeous mug shot of Lindsay Lohan to add to the collection. While throwing a wonked-up look that says "Can we hurry this mess up? It's almost happy hour" and wearing a jacket that tells me she definitely robbed a little league coach before she got to the police station, LiLo posed for the mug shot camera today. Even though LiLo should've tamed her weave in her dressing room at the police station (she has one, right?), this might be one of her best glamour shots yet. Beat that camera with your eyes, bitch.

TMZ says that LiLo visited her old friends at the police station today to be booked for pleading "no contest" to reckless driving and lying to the cops. LiLo showed up, gave them FACE! and then sashayed out. TMZ also says that she won't begin her 90 days in locked down rehab until May.

Here's a few of LiLo's past mug shots. We're one mug shot closer to getting a whole calendar. Her newest one can be September since it's very back to school. Speaking of school, I'm sure LiLo now has more mug shots than yearbook photos. White Oprah will drink to that!

You can almost hear the words, "I will kick you the vagina," jumping out of his shout hole.

I can't find video of it, but the best moment from Lindsay Lohan's Fun Time Court Hour happened after she pleaded no contest and a judge sentenced her to 90 days in a spa. Lindsay Lohan's tiny and tanned lawyer, Mark Heller, held a press conference afterward where he spewed all kinds of ridiculousness like she doesn't have a substance abuse problem and she's going to come out of this with dignity and grace. It's like his tiny tongue was possessed by White Oprah. Mark Heller kept yammering on and then he nearly jumped out of his Underoos when Michael Lohan started screaming at him from off camera. When Michael Lohan got closer to the podium, Mark Heller ran the hell out of there. It was like watching my chihuahua jump and run for cover when a car backfires.

After Mark Heller ran back to his office in the Keebler Forest, Michael Lohan got on the mic and farted  at the mouth about how Mark Heller is just using Lindsay Lohan for attention and is going to lose his license to practice law. Michael, who's about as reliable as a crumbly piece of dried dog shit, claims that Mark Heller never kept LiLo updated during plea deal negotiations and committed an illegal act by tampering with a witness. TMZ says that the Santa Monica Attorney is investigating Mark Heller for allegedly trying to get LiLo's assistant Gavin to lie on the stand. Mark allegedly wanted Gavin to say he was the one driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi.

Michael Lohan ended the press conference he hijacked by saying that rehab is the best place for LiLo and then he pulled out a Styrofoam cup and asked the reporters to drop a few coins in there, because he can't afford to pay for parking. I love how Michael Lohan is telling Mark Heller to stop using his daughter for publicity when he's up there using his daughter for publicity. Michael Lohan is the only one who can shout his daughter's name while humping on the spotlight.

Here's some pictures of the sunburnt turtle getting ragey outside of the court house and also some pictures of LiLo redefining the phrase "rode hard and put away wet."

Lindsay Lohan finally decided to show up to court in L.A. this morning and she was only 50 minutes late. LiLo probably stopped for Blood Marys, did a pre-hearing bump in a gas station bathroom and changed into linnocent white (complete with a holy cross) before going to court, so 50 minutes isn't that late. When LiLo jumped out of her SUV and took the walk of shame into the court room, she got glitter-bombed the same way she got glitter-bombed in 2010. I used to think that everything is prettier when you throw a little glitter on it, but I was wrong. All that glitters is not gold. That tsunami of glitter should've been directed at her lawyer, the Larry H. Parker of gnomes, because he and his extra fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase deserves to be drenched in a sparkle storm, not her. If it only it was a swarm of bees!

If you're watching TMZ's live feed of Lindsay Lohan's latest date with the California Justice System, then you probably have the California seal embedded into your retinas, because her trial hasn't started. They're running over 2 hours late and apparently LiLo has been in the bathroom while six Sheriffs wait outside for her. How rude of those Sheriffs. Can't they give a bitch some privacy while she's trying to shit out the 4 balloons of coke she swallowed before going through airport security? No respect!

LiLo's court date is supposed to start any minute now, so you can watch the live feed if you want to see her finger bang the justice system in the butt without lube again. If the trial doesn't start, you can just look at the seal for another two hours and honestly, staring at that seal is probably better than staring at LiLo's stale empanada lips.

UPDATE: Throw out the popcorn, because there's not going to be a Crackie vs. The People trial after all. After turning down plea deal after plea deal for weeks, LiLo struck a deal with prosecutors today. LiLo pleaded no contest to reckless driving and lying to the cops about being the one who crashed her Porsche into a semi. The reckless driving charge brings an automatic 5 days in jail, but the prosecutors agreed to roll that into her time in rehab. LiLo agreed to 90 days in lockdown rehab, 30 days of community labor in New York and 18 months of psychotherapy. LiLo's on probation for stealing that jooree and she admitted to violating her probation. The judge sentenced her to 180 days in jail for that, but she won't have to serve that sentence if she obeys all the laws (HAHAHAHA!). The judge also told her to stop driving.

And that's that. I'm sure we'll be doing all of this again in a couple of weeks when LiLo breaks out of rehab, steals a car, robs a liquor store and then drunkenly crashes into a preschool.

This is what happens when Lindsay Lohan's day in court is scheduled for the day after International Drunk Day (aka St. Patrick's Day). LiLo's latest date with the California Justice System is this morning and she was supposed to fly out from NYC to LA on Saturday, giving her a full day to get court-ready glamorous. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up and can't stop fucking up, she skipped her flight on Saturday to see a band instead. TMZ says that LiLo made it to the airport on Sunday night for a 6pm flight and her ass actually got on the plane, but right before takeoff, she jumped off the plane. Apparently, LiLo thought the plane was leaking gas. Dealers should really put a "Warning: May Cause Extreme Paranoid" label all on their 8-balls, because coke paranoia is a real thing.

TMZ says that the plane was delayed over an hour due to an issue with the gas tank or something, so LiLo got scared, thought it was going to crash and got off of it. Bitch probably thought she saw a colonial woman on the wing, churning butter. She was churning butter! Or LiLo probably thought she saw a gremlin pulling parts out of the airplane wing. Bitch, that wasn't a sabotaging gremlin. It was just your reflection in the mirror.

LiLo claims that she wasn't the only one who got a final destination vibe from the flight. She says that 35 other people also got off, because they felt the flight was not safe. The plane did up end stopping in Las Vegas to refuel before landing in L.A. after 11pm.

LiLo spent most of her night in the airport lounge trying to get one of her johns to lend him a private plane. At around 2 or 3 in the morning New York time, she finally got a ride on a private jet from the dude who owns Mr. Pink Energy Drink.

Mr. Pink's private plane was supposed to land around 7am PST time and she's supposed to be in court by 8:30 this morning. That gives LiLo less than 90 minutes to make it to court. We all know what's going to happen. LiLo's going to show up late and cry about how her car got a flat tire, got carjacked by gang members and after hitchhiking for an hour, she finally got a trucker to pick her up. But those gremlins who sabotaged her plane must've also sabotaged the traffic lights in L.A., because they hit every red light! The judge will shrug, tell her to do better next time, validate her parking and then send her on her way. Nothing is going to happen to this mess.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand she's going to be late. TMZ says that Mr. Pink's jet isn't scheduled to land until 8:11am, which gives LiLo less than 20 minutes to get to court on time. It's not going to happen, so ho better start pulling those excuses out of her asshole right about now.

Proving once again that mountains of money and fame can turn a toddler into a real insufferable thorn stuck in humanity's ass lips, Justin Bieber typed out an "F U HATERZ!" rant on Instagram against the media for saying that his management and family are going to put him in rehab, because they think he's losing it. This was a good idea, because nothing shows that you've got it together like a rambling, typo-filled, delusional rant of mega douche proportions.

The Biebs shat out the rant on Instagram earlier today, but one of his babysitters quickly deleted it and replaced it with a message that was slightly less douchey. But in his original rant, Bieber tells the media to suck on the lumpiest part of his diaper, because his piggy bank is stuffed to the top and his head is screwed on straight. Justin Bieber knows the latter part is 100% true, because he just had his head re-tightened at the Baby Alive factory. The Biebs also really told the intervention experts when he said that he doesn't need rehab, because he's 19 and a huge star. And somebody should turn the garden hose on White Oprah, who is probably passed out drunk on the front lawn, because she's going to need to come at the Biebs for hating on her innocent child.

Here's the Biebs' rant and I can't make fun of his typos. I make more typos and I'm sure it's not easy using Speak & Spell to edit your rants. via ET

"I'm tired of all the countless lies in the press right now. Saying I'm going to rehab and how my family is disappointed in me. My family is beyond proud. If Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity lol I'm 19 with 5 number one albums, 19 and I've seen the whole world. 19 and I've accomplished more than I could've ever dreamed of, i'm 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning. I know my talent level and i know i got my head on straight. i know who i am and i know who i'm not My messege is to to believe. I honestly don't care if you don't believe in me because I believe in me, and look where that's gotten me so far.. I'm writing this with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

Letting u know first hand how I feel rather than have these story linger. I'm a good person with a big heart. And don't think I deserve all of this negative press I've worked my ass off to get where I am and my hard work doesn't stop here. i'm growing up finding myself while having people watch me and criticise me everyday i think im doing pretty damn good. And to those comparing me to Lindsey Lohan. Look at her 2012 tax statements."

Yeah, the Biebs' transformation into Aaron Carter is right on schedule. Damn at that last line. The Beliebers must've slid off their high chairs when their mommies read them that line.

I can't wait for Lindsay Lohan to file a $100 billion lawsuit against this entitled douche for using her name for publicity and slandering her pristine image as a responsible, tax-paying citizen. And I hope she wins. Screw Justin Bieber for making me feel bad for Lindsay Lohan for five seconds.

And TMZ has screen shots of the Biebs' original rant if you want to see it.

Because Lindsay Lohan's head is filled with a coke storm of delusion, she keeps turning down plea deal after plea deal that the Santa Monica City Attorney offers her. The Santa Monica City Attorney told LiLo that if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche straight into the back of an 18-wheeler, they'd let her skip past jail and dry out in rehab for 40 days instead. LiLo did what White Oprah does when a reasonable thought fills her head: she rebuked it! Then the Santa Monica City Attorney changed that deal and offered LiLo 30 days in rehab, but she told them they can eat that deal too. And now TMZ is saying that the Santa Monica City Attorney has really come down and are offering her house arrest instead of jail or rehab time. And everybody knows what house arrest means. NON-STOP PARTYING!

TMZ's source says that LiLo's not-so-magical elf of a lawyer, Mark Heller, is working with prosecutors and he's been telling them that she will accept a certain amount of house arrest. Prosecutors are willing to give her 90 days of house arrest, but Mark Heller keeps trying to talk them down. But a different source tells TMZ that Mark Heller and the prosecutors are wasting their time, because LiLo still thinks she's one hundred percent linnocent and will turn down any kind of punishment. If they don't agree on a plea deal, they'll all shuffle into a court room in L.A. on March 18th. If LiLo is convicted, she could get months in jail. To which I clear my throat and say, HAHAHAHAHA!

First of all, there's a greater chance of me farting out a 9" inch fully functional dick than there is of Lindsay Lohan getting actual, real jail time. So of course she wants to go to trial. She gets to dress up and once again prove to everyone that the justice system is her bottom bitch. Second of all, in order to do house arrest, don't you need a house to do it in? Bitch is homeless. Hell, they'd probably let her do house arrest at the Chateau Marmont bar. Or I guess she could do it at White Oprah's house. No wonder she doesn't want to take that deal. Spending 90 days in a confined space with White Oprah is the worst punishment of all.