Because of the Met Ball avalanche that hit me yesterday (I'm still plucking Beyonce's feathers out of my mouth and putting ice over my eyeball from getting poked by Anja Rubik's hip shank), I didn't have time to get to the Linda Evangelista child support case. But to quote Francois-Henri Pinault every time one of his girlfriends tells him that she's gotten her period after a pregnancy scare: better late than never, bitch!
For days, Linda and fashion mogul Franny were fighting it out over the $46,000 she wanted a month to take care of her 5-year-old son Augie. Even though the custom-made panda fur toilet paper Franny wipes his ass with costs more than $46,000 a roll, he didn't want to pay that and told the court that Linda was going to use most of the money on herself.
Finally, after spending the weekend fighting it out, Linda and Franny came to an agreement on Monday. Linda, who gave us serious businesswoman with MONAY glamour, sashayed into a Manhattan court yesterday to sign the agreement after the judge approved it. The agreement has been stuffed into a condom and sealed forever, so the details aren't known. But a source tells the NYDN that the settlement is “nowhere near $46,000 a month.”
But is it over the $19,000 a month (the current New York State record) Diddy pays, because us appreciators of gold diggers need to know whether or not we should raise our shovels in victory? Franny is a dead-hearted piece of trash if he's giving Linda less than $19,000 a month in child support. How is she going to live on pennies?! I guess we'll know if we see Augie shuffling around the street and instead of an armed bodyguard at his side, he's got a whistle around his neck and some pepper spray in his hand. And instead of a 24-hour nanny holding his hand, he's holding a walkie talkie his mom gave him. That better not happen, because just like Joan Collins, it's not right for Linda Evangelista to play poor in real life, fake life or ANY life.
For about a year now, my idol Linda Evangelista has been trying to get $46,000 a month in child support from Salma Hayek's billionaire husband Francois-Henri Pinault, because she believes her 5-year-old son Augie needs his own armed guards and a 24-hour nanny. Franny Hen (Can I call him that?), who just made hundreds of thousands of dollars in the time it took you to read that last sentence, doesn't think it takes over half a million dollars a year to raise a kid. Franny Hen's lawyers told the court that Linda is going to use most of that money on herself. Um. Today's DUH is brought to you by that statement. Of course Linda is going to dip into that money to pay for beauty treatments, but only because supervising a $16k-a-month security guard and a $7k-a-month nanny is hard on the face. We all know that Linda once said she won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. Well, she won't get out of bed to supervise a nanny for less than $1,500 a day. Franny Hen is kind of getting a deal.
Linda, Franny Hen and their lawyers were all back in a Manhattan courtroom yesterday to continue to scrap over Augie's child support. The Patron Saint of #getmoneybitch testified that after Franny found out she was knocked up with his kid, he tried to persuade her to have an abortion. Franny's lawyer later told USA Today that those words never came out of his client's mouth. Franny testified that Linda didn't include him in her decision to have Augie, but he told her that he would "recognize the child." Linda's lawyer told the court that she's supported Augie most of his life on her $1.8 million-a-year income, but she took a major financial hit last year when her contract with L'Oreal was not renewed. Linda's lawyers also let it be known that his daughter with Salma Hayek has a $12 million Los Angeles home in a trust just for her.
Franny's family is worth around $13 billion and his lawyers argued that Linda is just trying to "piggyback the lifestyle of Mr. Pinault."
Until Mr. Pinault agrees to pay me $46k a month in support (Let me know if you need my PayPal info, Franny!), I will be Team #getmoneybitch now and forever. His defense is that he didn't get a choice in whether or not Linda should keep their child and he doesn't think she needs $50k a month to take care of Augie. Franny should've thought about that before he humped on Linda bareback-style. Franny is also a dumb bitch for asking Linda to have an abortion. That is a classic case of wasting your breath. If I was knocked up with a billionaire's baby, I'd totally be like, "Oh yes, I'm totally going to get rid of a baby that is going to get me $50,000 a month in child support so I can hire a nanny to take care of him all the time while I'm off getting gold nuggets body wraps!"
But seriously, just like Salma Hayek's daughter, Augie deserves his own security guard, a full-time nanny and a mommy whose skin is twinkling something magical from her weekly diamond dust facials. Mr. Pinault needs to kiss Linda's freshly scrubbed ass.
What reality judge on a very hit show was so hammered when she came to a taping of her show that there was literal panic about whether or not they could sober her up enough to participate in the taping or going to have her be "sick." (CDAN)
If this blind item was a drink, it would be a cocktail glass with only a single ice cube and a tiny bit of vomit in it and its rim would be permanently stained with oil-based red paint, so that means it's Drunktina! Xtina better hold on to her job on The Voice the same way she holds onto her glass of vodka whenever the bar back comes around collecting glasses. How many jobs can you show up to when you're all kinds of tanked? Oh, what am I saying? Your ass probably showed up to work this morning drunk to the fuck times ten.
Maybe orgy is the wrong word to describe what happened on the making of this movie, but there was certainly lots of rampant sex going on. It all started with an A list movie actress at the time who was starring in a franchise and wanted to keep her glory. She hated doing this movie, but she was committed so decided to make the best of it. For her, this meant having as much sex and doing as many drugs as possible while making the movie. Every co-star was fair game and when one actor thought he was the one she found special, he would be replaced and a new one brought in. She was the goddess of the movie and acted like it. She was a way larger star than any other actor on the film, primarily because she was charging so much to be in it that there was no budget for anyone else.
Besides having sex with the actors on the set, she also brought in an old co-star who was still hanging on to his A list acting fame at the time. An Academy Award winner he dropped by the set and the next thing you know, the pair were in his hotel room and not her trailer. He was with his now wife at the time, but he had wanted the goddess when they had last made a movie together and she had turned him down. This time he was having her, marriage be damned.
Oh, there was the B list movie actress with the alliteration for a name who stopped by one day and they reunited after a few years apart. This actress has played in some very steamy roles of her own.
There was one actor, now a B- list who claimed he had never had sex with a woman before. Men yes, but not women so our goddess had to have him. She did. Now he is married to a B list actress. (CDAN)
I've read this blind item at least 30 times and I've furiously scribbled my thoughts about this on a white wall in my bedroom in between taking hits from a meth pipe, and I still don't know. This shit is hard and it should be the final question on the SATs. It could be Angie Jolie, Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon (yeah right, not that paper bowl of unflavored oatmeal), but I'm going to go with this:
Goddess slut: Sharon Stone?
Movie that she made while fucking her way through half of the cast: Basic Instinct 2?
A-list Oscar winner: Michael Douglas?
B-list actress: Sally Struthers (I WISH!)?
B-list gay dude: Hugh Dancy?
B-list actress he's married to now: Claire Danes?
Supermodel Linda Evangelista will become the Patron Saint of Get That Money if a judge approves her request for $46k a month in child support from the father of her 4-year-old son Augusten.
Last month, Linda stomped into Family Court in Manhattan and scandalously (sort of) revealed that Augusten's father is François-Henri Pinault, the billionaire husband of Salma Hayek. Yesterday, Linda and her lawyer were back in court and told the judge that Francois-Henri hasn't paid one cent and she wants $552,000 a year in child support. The judge basically issued a "COME AGAIN?" when he said that if he granted that amount it would "probably be the largest support order in the history of Family Court." Linda, being the refined diamond digger that she is, then had to excuse herself because she messed up her cashmere chonies from creaming over his words.
Linda's lawyer told the judge that Francois-Henri, who is the CEO of the company that owns a bunch of fashions houses, set up a $12 million estate for his 3-year-old daughter with Salma, but her son hasn't gotten anything from him. The $46k a month will go towards a full-time nanny, vacation expenses and armed chauffeurs.
The judge immediately threw out the $7,500 a month for vacation expenses, but is going to consider the security expenses since Augusten is the child of two high-profile people.
As for the full-time nanny, Linda testified that she needs 24-hour help, because she doesn't want to be alone with her son. Linda went on to testify that she needs someone to take care of Augusten while she maintains her gorgeousness.
"On days when I do not work, I am working on my image. I have to hit the gym. I have beauty appointments. I have to work toward my next job and maintaining my image, just like an athlete. When I work, it can be a 16-hour day."
Linda is apparently worth $8 million, which is about $2 billion less than what Francois-Henri is worth.
The hens on The View were pecking at this story on the show this morning and Whoopi Goldberg said that $46k a month is ridiculous and women need to take responsibility for their actions. To which I say, BITCH, she is taking responsibility! When you open up your vagina to a billionaire and a baby comes out, it is your responsibility to get as much money out of that motherfucker as possible! This is the truth according to life.
Why should Linda raise her son when Salma Hayek's husband can pay a nanny to raise him while she gets a dolphin fetus facial mask and works out her hands so she doesn't get fat cuticles? Raising your own children is overrated and for the poors, dahling. We should all be so lucky to give birth to an ATM code.
But seriously, I think it's kind of cute that Linda addresses the nanny as a "nanny." We all know that Augusten really addresses the nanny as "mommy."
Long before January Jones' womb was filled with a half ice cube and half question mark love child, supermodel Linda Evangelista would put her finger up to her mouth whenever anybody would ask her who the father of her 4-year-old son Augustin James is. Well, (read in a booming Detective La Toya Jackson whisper) the identity of Augustin's biological father has been revealed!
Linda sashayed into a NYC court room yesterday morning, struck a million dollar pose in front of the court and said that her son's father Francois-Henri Pinault, the billionaire CEO husband of Salma Hayek, and she have not yet agreed to a child support agreement. 2006 must have been the Year of the Fertile Sperm for Francois-Henri, because he also has a 4-year-old daughter with Salma Hayek. (Note: This is your cue to slowly fall back into your chair with your mouth open while tapping the word "SCANDAL!!!" out in Morse Code with your eyelashes. Or it's your cue to slowly fall back into your chair to take a nap. Either response to this story is perfectly acceptable.)
The New York Post reports that yesterday was Linda's fourth time visiting family court. Francois-Henri wasn't there, because his lawyers thought they were doing a phone conference instead. Franci's lawyer went on to explain, "We had understood that it was to be a brief, telephone conference, to bring Magistrate Troy up to date on what the status was."
This more like a lower-case scandal, because Linda and Franci made Augustin in early 2006 when he was on a break from Salma.
Anybody who cares about this should've known that Franci is Augustin's daddy, because that boy basically looks like his father in a Suri Cruise wig. And Linda once said that she won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day, so I really hope Franci knows that Augustin is just like his mother and won't push out a fake "I love you" during visiting days for less than $10,000 a syllable!