All the cherubs in heaven called in sick today, because they are still devastated over the news that Katie Price and Peter Andre's orange love has gone rotten. What really went wrong? Did Katie finally catch Peter peen-handed? What? What? What? Well, according to The Sun, these pictures were the jizz load that broke the whore's back.
After Peter saw pictures of Katie with her overgrown kumquats out, he immediately asked for divorce. Peter could no longer take seeing Katie rubbing her tittays all over random dudes. Um. Honestly, Peter's glitter box probably started percolating upon first sight of this dude in the picture above, so he should know better. I'm pretty sure that dude is a certified dick lover.
A few hours after Peter released the heartbreaking (not really) statement to the world, Katie Price released her own:
“Pete is the love of my life and my life, we have children together and I am devastated and disappointed by Peter’s decision to separate and divorce me. As I married him for life. This is not what I want and the decision has been taken out of my hands.”
Last night, Katie fled Britain with Princess Tiamamamammaiaiamaia and Junior in tow. Katie left Harvey behind with the nanny. WHAT IN THE FUCK SHIT FUCK WHAT HUH FUCK WHAT. Katie left Harvey behind?! Bitch has really lost. All the silicone, collagen, jizz and fake tanning grease finally seeped into her brains, because Harvey should be her everything. Without Harvey, she's nothing! Hearing that she left behind that precious angel hurts my soul more than her staged divorce. Harvey, I weep for you!!!
The couple made in spray tanning grease heaven has quit the love! Katie Price and Peter Andre announced through their management that famewhoring, fake titty balls, Dep Gel and orange caca is not enough to keep them together and they are separating after almost 5 years of marriage. They issued this statement to The Sun:
“Peter Andre and Katie Price are separating after four-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media respect their families’ privacy at this difficult time."
What about Princess Tiamamamaiamiamai? What about Junior? What about the future of ITV2 in the UK? More importantly, WHAT ABOUT HARVEY?! Who the hell is Harvey going to tell off now that Peter Andre isn't around anymore. Harvey is going to scream "FUCK OFF" and Peter won't be there to hear it. That makes my soul cry. Although, Harvey is probably laughing himself into a fart storm, because he's in charge again. That's the way it should be!
And these two famesluts asking for privacy is like me asking for a vagina in a CROC. It doesn't make sense. Publicity stuntery!
After stinging your precious eyes with the pair of cokey snails in the post below, I thought I'd give you a pallet cleanser: HARVEY! Harvey truly is the sunshine. He's like a Care Bear! One picture of Harvey is the equivalent of 12 hours of watching the Shiba Inu 6 (never forget). Harvey's smile is so bright and shiny that he made Katie Price's shirt see-through! And Junior Andre didn't have highlights before, but when Harvey got all smiley, his hair was suddenly covered in bits of sunshine!
Here's Katie Price wearing a Rock of Love Bang Bus-approved outfit while out with Care Harvey, Princess Tiamamamaiamaimai, Big Gay Peter Andre and Junior in Malibu yesterday. Oh and those aren't stains on Harvey's clothes! The heavens cried when they saw him, so those are the globby tears of angels!
Harvey almost makes me happier than an open bar. Almost. If Harvey was carrying a bottle of Alize, my face would probably turn inside out. Since Harvey is one of my favorite things since Dippin' Dots, I am keeping up with his entire Los Angeles adventure.
Today, Harvey visited the Junior Blind of America center with a camera crew in tow. My wish is that they are filming HARVEY: The 3D Spectacular Sensation, but I'm assuming it's just for Peter Andre and Katie Price's shit reality show.
This is the part where they whore out their almost-blind soon and have a few laughs about it. Oh, Harvey. Please tell me them to "fuck off" in seven different languages, because I know you can.
And he made it! American just got a lot more beautiful, because Prince Harvey of England rolled into LAX today on his royal throne with his subjects behind his ass where they belong. They should be fanning him and feeding him chocolate covered grapes.
Anyway, Harvey is here to save the day! Shit. He could probably save our economy with a couple of visits to In-N-Out. Harvey brings us hope! Seriously, I feel so grateful for two Harvey sightings in just one weekend. It's like seeing a unicorn through a rainbow. Harvey hardly makes appearances, because he prefers to keep his shit private, so this is extra special.
I am fucking writing this shit from the other side of the moon because I just went over it. Yes, I said it.
Harvey 4 EVA! I seriously hope he's in Los Angeles to play Saffy in the American version of AbFab (see below). That I would watch.
HAAAAAARVEY! HAAAAAARVEY! When I first saw these pictures, I seriously screamed his name really damn loud like my head exploded. My neighbors probably thought I finally lost it for real this time. Officially. They said to each other, "Well, the crazy 'mo next door finally broke. He's screaming about an imaginary giant bunny friend. Time to get out the number to Bellevue. You know, the number we've been saving for this very moment."
But Harvey Price really is my imaginary giant bunny friend. Whenever I see him, I feel like everything's going to be alright. And now he's on his way to American to bring a little sunshine to this grey world. Sorry, Kanye. You may be bright red in this grey world, but Harvey is sunshine and rainbows.
Doesn't he look like he should always be holding balloons and daisies? Oh, he makes me happy. I hope he finally gets his turn in the spotlight when he comes to Hollywood again. Harvey needs his own TV talk show, movie franchise, disco album, sweatshirt collection and line of delicious cookies. You know, I think he's the one who can save Mother's Circus Animal Cookies. All they have to do is change the name to Harvey's Circus Animal Cookies and put him on the cover of the package. Instant fucking worldwide best seller! If anyone can save Mother's Cookies for real, it's Harvey. He can save anything!
Here's Harvey with some people arriving at Heathrow Airport this morning to make their way to America. Once Katie Price arrives, the authorities should just pluck her up and plop her in the produce section of the nearest Albertson's. Bitch has officially turned into a butternut squash.
When Katie Price isn't posing as a "broke down Victoria's Secret angel forced to work the day-shift as a hooker after falling on hard times," she's discussing important topics like crime and punishment! Katie thinks she has it all figured out. She told The Sun her exact thoughts on what should happen to rapists, drunk drivers and thieves.
She said, “The way I see it is an eye for an eye. So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict. If someone is done for drink-driving they should have their licence taken away for life. And if someone steals they should have to wear a dye on their skin, like a tattoo on their ear or somewhere it can be seen – like across their face! That would stop people stealing.”
That shit sounds like a 4th grade paper on "What I Would Do If I Was Ruler Of The Entire Universe." This is my question on the rape thing: who is going to ass rape all the rapists? And since the ass punisher is technically committing rape, does that mean they will have to be ass raped too? It's all a vicious cycle. Ass rape for everyone!
I think we should punish all the criminals by forcing them to sit in a room with Katie Price for 1 hour. After they finished biting all the skin and tissue off their finger so that they could use the bone to poke out their eardrums and eyeballs, they will beg to be put out of their misery.
Let's compare Katie Price's and Dita Von Teese's Playboy covers, shall we? Dita's is actually pretty classy for Playboy. I could have a cup of tea with it. Pinky up, legs crossed and all. Katie's however looks like it belongs in the dirty escort section of L.A. Weekly. We should all be wearing condoms while looking at it.
Well, Katie disagrees with me and thinks Dita's cover is gross. She told OK! (via The Sun) that she's ready to bare her mangled titty balls for Playboy again. She said, "I'd love to do Playboy. Although I just saw Dita Von Teese's cover and it's crap. The woman is rank. It's not my cup of tea that she's so pale. I think the pictures look a bit Readers' Wives. It didn't look like Playboy to me."
Dita should take this as a compliment. If Katie thinks you're hot, it probably means that your skin looks like its covered in dried caca and you have Tupperware bowl for breasts. One of Dita's cooch berries is a million times sexier than Katie Price's whole body. Sorry for the visual, but it's true.
Another story about BABIES!!! This is the third one of the day. The D in Dlisted obviously stands for diapers. Makes sense.
So....Harvey, Junior and Princess Tiamammamiawhatever might be getting yet another sibling. The Daily Star claims that Katie Price has a human growing inside of her. If this shit is true, it would be her fourth child and her big gay husband's third. Some ho said that while on vacation in the Maldives, Katie felt vommy and wouldn't drink any cocktails. The ho said, "Kate was complaining about feeling really poorly and queasy and kept stroking her tummy.”
It was probably just the mountains of hot bullshit inside of her busting to spew out.
The ho went on to say that Katie and Peter's marriage troubles are over and now they can't wait to move to the US (save us!!!) to start filming their new reality show for three months. And wouldn't you know? A new baby would make a great plot for their reality show!
I really won't believe this until I see Katie Price on the cover of OK! with her big gay husband holding her belly with the tagline: "Just Buy This Magazine and Ask Questions Later."
Katie's never going to pop out a person as perfect as Harvey, so she needs to quit trying.
P.S. - Katie's t-shirt must be a tribute to this hot slut.
Katie Price has already told us more than we want to know about Peter Andre's peen. I could probably draw that shit accurately with all the details she's given us. She's told us how wide and how long it is. Now she's telling us the color. If you happen to be eating a nuked up sausage link, you might want to skip this part.
Kate tells Now! Magazine (via The Sun), “When I go on holiday you’ll never see a bikini shot of me, because I sunbathe naked. I haven’t got any lines at all! That’s why I go to very private places. Peter does too. He’s got a brown willy!”
They really do belong together. His brown willy compliments the shit logs that are always pouring out of her mouth. And I doubt Peter's peen is brown. You know he totally spray tans that shit. It's bright orange like a radioactive carrot (don't even think of Carrot top....DON'T). It was brown when Katie happened to see it, because Peter hadn't showered yet after "hanging out" with the boys.