Katie Price hit the Morgan Awards in London last night. Then she hit the bottle, then she hit the floor, then she hit the bottle, then she hit the toilet, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a dick, then she hit the bottle, then she hit the Polident, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a pool of rotten oranges, then she hit the bottle, then she hit Tiger Woods, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a family of beavers, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a funeral table skirt, then she hit the bottle....
QUICK! Take the baton. It's your turn. We can do this all fucking day.
Katie Price is making Harvey dizzy with all this back and forth shit. One minute she's butt banging Peter Andre, and the next minute she's sticking her tongue in Alex Reid's tuck. AND NOW, she apparently wants Peter's peen back in her orange arms again. Bitch needs to pick one gay and stick with him.
The Sun is saying that Katie must have gotten sentimental when she was washing her anal beads, because she called up Peter and begged him to let her be his main purse holder again. Katie reportedly said she was sowwy for being a bitch and told him that her relationship with Alex Reid/Roxy meant nothing. A source added, "She asked him straight out if there was any chance they could get back together and pleaded for a reunion. She was telling him she just couldn't stop thinking of him and their life together. Katie told him she even dreamed of him at night but would wake up to realize he wasn't there, and feel sad."
The source also said that Peter wasn't exactly pinching his nipples during the phone call, "The idea of a reunion is not something Pete would even consider. They are divorced and that's it."
When Katie and Peter quit each other, some whores were screaming in my ear that this was just a publicity stunt sponsored by OK! Magazine and they would get married again next year for maximum publicity exposure. I filed their claims under "crackhead conspiracies," but it looks like their asses could be right. Katie and Peter could be taking famewhoring for checks to a whole new level.
Jon & Kate, take notes! Actually, I didn't mean that. Burn your note pads, Jon & Kate. Burn them!
Over the weekend, Katie Price's cage fighting, cock tucking, cross-dressing sweetheart Alex Reid (Roxanne if you love it with lace) told the News of the World that he was going to travel to Australia to propose marriage to her. Well, I hope that sparkly engagement ring can easily be turned into a cock ring, because Katie Price quit Alex during her live exit interview for I'm A Blah Blah Blah....Get Me Blah Blah Blah.
Just as Roxanne was sashaying through an Australian airport on his way to the jungle, Katie Price said this: "I'd done a lot of reflecting. I've realized that I want to be on my own. I don't want to be in a relationship. I hope that we can remain friends. I'm not with him, no."
At that moment, Harvey Price got a jolt of the fever in him and jumped up, did the splits, jumped back up, did the moonwalk, swirled to the right, swirled to the left, did the Cabbage Patch and then shouted, "FUCKITY FUCK FUCK YES!"
Since Roxanne, like Katie, is a famewhore who just doesn't quit, he immediately queefed out this statement: "Following yesterday's surprise revelations that Alex Reid's relationship with Katie Price has apparently ended, Cage Fighter Films Ltd, with whom Alex has contractual obligations and responsibilities, would like to make it clear that he will continue with his business meetings associated with the film Cage Rage at undisclosed locations in Australia. Naturally there are ongoing telephone conversation between the couple, but Alex has no further comment to make at this time regarding the state of their relationship."
Business meetings?! ROXY STOP! Getting your prostate massaged by a ladyboy's dick doesn't count as a "business meeting." We're all adults here.
And start your watches, because it won't be long before a gorgeous-looking Roxanne (wearing the outfit above) and Peter Andre are holding hands on the cover of OK! Magazine with the headline: "Our mutual hate for Katie brought us together!"
Below is Katie's interview from last night. Skip to the 5:45 mark to watch her dump a bitch on live television:
Katie Price (seen here trying to stop her brain from escaping out of her mouth) has quit I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here after she was nominated to compete in a challenge for the 7th time in a row! I guess the people of Britain just can't get enough of seeing her swallow snail jizz during challenges. Sucio bitches.
Before Katie stormed out of the jungle, she begged the voting public not to force her to compete again. Katie already had to chew on fried flies and said she couldn't do it anymore. Well, ask and you shall not receive!
Once Katie was told that she would have to eat nasty shit again, she told the producers that she wanted out. According to The Sun, Katie told them, "I can't do another trial. I'm walking. There's only so much c*** one person can take. The way I've been treated on the show by the viewers, you'd think I was the most hated woman in Britain."
If that censored word was on Wheel of Fortune, I'd guess that it was "crap" and not "cock." Because the sentence "There's only so much cock one person can take" could never roll off of Katie's cock-stained tongue. It's impossible.
And the cloud of delusion that is fogging up Katie's eyes might make it hard for her to see the pitchfork-wielding mob camped outside of her house at all times. A lot of people in Britain would rather nibble on Jodie Marsh's cooch crumpet than share two words with Katie Price.
If Katie really wanted to win over the voting public, she should've skipped into the jungle with Harvey Price on her shoulders. Because if you vote against Harvey, a kitten suffers a coronary.
Alex Reid's full-time cock tucker, Katie Price, went on Chelsea Handler's show last night to promote how she flies all the way to Los Angeles to get fucked in the face with a Botox needle. File this under: You might be a famewhore if.....
The Sun seems to think that Katie Price was left "humiliated" after Chelsea destroyed her during the interview, but I didn't see it that way. First of all, she's Katie Price, so she humiliates herself as soon as she leaves the house (Harvey will get me for that one). Second of all, Chelsea was kind of easy on Katie. She only said that Katie will take Alex straight to the middle (true). And that she should be proud of herself for writing 33 books, even if they are for children. Those burns aren't going to leave a mark. Besides, Katie even puts make-up in the insides of her ears, so I doubt she even heard Chelsea dogging her.
And yes, it is totally fitting that there's a ticking time bomb countdown at the top of this clip.
The full cast of the UK's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here was announced this morning, and unfortunately Detective La Toya Jackson isn't going to make it to the jungle after all. But glamour model turned pop icon turned gayelle champion Samantha Fox will! That means we will finally get that jungle acoustic version of "I Wanna Have Some Fun."
The cast also includes a bunch of hos I've never ever heard of. I took a few shots of the sweet nectar (for clarity) and I still have no clue. I need Detective La Toya to solve the mystery of some of these people's careers. Here they are:
Stuart Manning of Hollyoaks - No clue.
Lucy Benjamin formerly of EastEnders - No clue.
Sabrina Washington formerly of Mis-Teeq - No clue.
Gino D'Acampo, celebrity chef - No Clue.
Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, interior designers and reality stars - Yes. I know these bitches.
George Hamilton, a leather duffel bag - Yes. I know this bitch.
Kim Woodburn of How Clean Is Your House? - Yes. I know this bitch.
Camilla Dallerup of Strictly Come Dancing - No Clue.
Jimmy White, snooker star - No Clue.
Katie Price, who was already on that shit a few years ago, is expected to join the cast in a couple of weeks. But first, Katie has to finish getting her monthly maintenance in Los Angeles (tits rotated, vagina resuscitated, lips plumped, etc....). Pictures below.
Praying in front of your Harvey Price shrine for hours at a time has paid off, because he has been released from the hospital and does not have swine flu. I guess I should go apologize to the bag of pork rinds I farted on at the deli yesterday.
Harvey's memaw rushed to him the hospital on Wednesday, because he had trouble breathing. They suspected that he might have been touched by a case of the Poshes, but doctors say it isn't so.
On GMTV this morning, Peter Andre spoke about Harvey's condition because he knew the world was holding its breath and starting to turn the color of Katie Price's snatch rod. Peter said, "He's OK. He's actually... he's much better. We were there the night before last, and then yesterday he went home early, quite early - so he's better, a lot better. He's fine, he's happy."
And now we can exhale. And it looks like Katie exhaled long before we did, because here she is hitting the pub with Roxy just a few minutes after Harvey came home. Bitch better be going to the bar to pick up a mug of hot bourbon for Harvey's cough.
The clouds are making sad faces this morning because the candy apple of the world's eye, Harvey Price, is in the hospital with a possible case of swine flu. This is serious business because Harvey doesn't do too well when he's got the ills. Harvey is partially blind and suffers from severe autism. Katie Price's rep said that he's doing "very poorly."
Katie was off pimping her book out, but she immediately rushed to be with Harvey, as did Peter Andre. Katie's rep also said: "Katie is very frantic. You would assess a normal child at home, but in Harvey's case as soon as he gets ill he has to go to hospital. Katie is preparing to take time off work until Harvey is well."
Most of the papers/tabloids are saying that Harvey being in the hospital is bringing Katie and Peter back together, but who really gives a dick about them! Instead of wasting keystrokes on Katie and Peter, we should be sending lil' Harvey good thoughts (delivered by a puppy wearing a bunny costume). And if I see a pig today, I swear I'm going to kick it for doing this to Harvey.
Source: The Sun
In case your head has already puked up this pivotal information: Katie Price's cage fighting boyfriend Alex Reid loves to drag it up as his alter ego Roxanne. Katie completely embraces Alex's tranny side and has even stuck her tongue in his tuck. All together now: HASN'T HARVEY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!!!!!!
In the new issue of OK!, Katie says, "I've had sex with Roxanne and I'm not going into details. It wasn't like lesbian sex because he has men's bits. When I split with Pete, I was completely off sex. But I can tell you, Alex has sent my sex drive through the roof."
Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Professor Jordan. Because all of us were under the impression that when you put on a pair of pantyhose a working chocha suddenly grows in your crotch area. If only it worked that way. It would save Lady CaCa a lot of time.
VIA The Mirror
England's finest rose Jodie Marsh put down her fancy tea cup, patted the ends of her mouth with a crisp white napkin and commented on Katie Price's life to the esteemed magazine Zoo (via Metro). And since Jodie is a refined lady who curtsies when she pees, she was as polite as polite can be when speaking about Harvey's mother. It's like Queen Elizabeth herself spoke these words:
"What does Jordan do on a horse? Dressage. Trots around, that's all she does. She doesn't jump. She doesn't do fuck all. She just sits on it, poses and pouts. I started horse riding again recently and I haven't ridden since I was 14. So I've got on it after 17 years, and it's a beast. I cantered him, galloped him and got over proper jumps."
Jodie is talking about actual horses, right? Of the SJP variety? Because I was pretty entertained thinking about Katie Price dressing up a dick in satin and parading it around the room while puckering up her lips. Although, she probably does that with Roxanne.
Jodie didn't end there, she crossed her ankles and demurely placed her hands in her lap before going on about Katie's skills on the fuck mattress, “She's not good in bed – she doesn't know what she's doing. She's as cold as ice, she's got hardly any friends and she's thick as shit! I think anyone who wants to be with Jordan is a bit weird in the first place."
You know, I wasn't sure until I read this interview with Jodie, but now I can say with confidence that we have found this generation's Emily Post!
P.S - Real talk. I think Jodie is just a bit jealous because Roxanne didn't let her lick on his tuck.