Katie Holmes

BOOOOOOO! Yet another Dlisted field trip has been canceled. On July 17th, we won't be eating popcorn in the back of a NYC court room while watching Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl bikini wrestle for custody of Suri in a kiddie pool full of barley water. Hollywood Life played with our emotions yesterday when they said  that Katie filed a request for an emergency hearing to try to get temporary full custody of Suri. But Katie's lawyer Jonathan Wolfe killed my buzz last night by telling People that there will be no public custody dance-off between Katie and Tommy, because he didn't file shit:

"Other than her action for divorce, the only pending application filed by Ms. Holmes remains her request for an anonymous caption."

Tommy's lawyer Bert Fields released his own statement of words yesterday and threw some shade while doing so. Let the games begin!

"Tactically we can't say where Tom will file a divorce case and if he'll be seeking joint custody of Suri. We are letting 'the other side' (Katie and her team), play the media until they wear everyone out and then we'll have something to say. It's not Tom's style to do this publicly. He is really sad about what's happening."

Somewhere, John Travolta just let out an "OH SNAP, GURL!" at that statement. Bert is right, though. Tommy is the epitome of private and he'd never ever play the media. That time Tommy stomped on Oprah's ugly yellow couch? It wasn't at all choreographed and he didn't do it to manipulate the world into thinking that he naturally gets excited about vagina. All those times Tommy paraded Suri in front of the paps? It was just a natural moment between a father and daughter, and Tommy didn't hit ctrl+alt+smile on the keyboard on Suri's back to make her look extra happy. PLEASE. The only shit Tommy keeps private is the truth.

In other #tomkatastrophe news, Katie talked to Elle for their August issue and some think she hinted about not extending her contract with TG:

"He has been Tom Cruise for 30 years. I know who I am and where I am and where I want to go, so I want to focus on that. I definitely feel much more comfortable in my own skin. I feel sexier. I'm starting to come into my own. It's like a new phase."

That quote sounds like it's reaching until you read it literally. I mean, Katie obviously found a way to rip off the Thetan-proof skin shell that Scientologists wrapped her with on her wedding night.

Ever since Katie Holmes took shit from serious to SERIOUS by filing for sole custody of Suri Cruise in NYC, the media has been saying that it's only a matter of days before Tommy Girl files his own divorce papers in California. In California, Tommy has a better chance of getting joint custody of L. Ron Hubbard's golden child and if he doesn't, he can easily grab her, take her to the flying pirate ship in  Scientology's California desert compound and fly her off to space where she can be raised by moon craters or whatever. Hollywood Life (aka grainofsalt.org) says that Katie's lawyers know what Tommy is trying to do and they're one step ahead of his ass. They filed for an emergency hearing in NYC yesterday, forcing Tommy to get himself a New York lawyer and show his face in court on July 17th. Katie wants a judge to grant her temporary full custody of Suri and give her some child support. HL says this is Katie's way of letting Tommy know that she'll happily break Scientology's fourth wall if he tries to fuck with her. A source put it like this:

Katie filed an ‘emergent application’ in New York City on July 3. It’s a motion seeking temporary emergency relief, which can include child support and custody. It also means that Tom is going to have to hire a New York lawyer — he can’t use his Calif. lawyer anymore. The motion also means that both Tom and Katie have to be present in court on July 17. A judge is now assigned to their case, which means it’s no longer going to be an out-of-court settlement. They are scheduled to appear before Judge Matthew Cooper on July 17 at 9:30 AM. 

Katie doesn’t anticipate Tom cooperating, and there have been rumors that he’s going to file in Calif. and argue that litigation should be there rather than New York. Bottom line: if you file an emergency motion, you don’t believe there’s going to be cooperation from the other party or you need an order that only the court can give. It might have something to do with trying to control the media.They filed under anonymous verses anonymous to avoid the media. Most celebs do that. It’s unlikely for a celebrity to file an emergency hearing, because most celebrities settle out of court because they don’t want the media involved in their case. Katie and Tom are now going to have an open court room, which means that anyone can walk in and see what’s happening. Plus, they are putting their case in the hands of a judge who is going to determine what happens next. Most public figures don’t want that — it’s a last resort. It’s super-aggressive for Katie to have taken these steps. It suggests that there’s going to be a contentious divorce battle to come.”

If this is true, then I guess in two weeks we'll all be sitting in the back of a NYC courtroom eating popcorn and drinking white wine spritzers out of white grape juice bottles while watching the real-life Scientologized remake of Not Without My Daughter. That shit is going to be a show. It's times like this when I wish Judge Judy was still a practicing family court judge and that one of her aliases is Judge Matthew Cooper. Judge Judy would rip Tommy a new asshole and not in the way he'd like. "Don't shit on my face and tell me it's cum, Tommy!" 

Here's Katie and Suri celebrating Tommy's 50th birthday last night by eating freshly churned freedom.

Somebody Photoshop a blunt in Katie Holmes' hand, because she looks like she just baked her last Thetan off. Or maybe she's just relieved that she can let out a fart without a Scientology handler running off to tell her master what it smelled like. Freedom really is farting whenever you want to.

Anyway, Katie Holmes was out in NYC today after guest judging an episode of Project Runway: All-Stars 2, and her marriage finger was free of the shackle that was her wedding ring. You know that shit wasn't a wedding ring. It was a straight-up GPS tracking system. So I hope she pawned that shit and used the money to buy some new shoes. Seriously, she needs a new pair of shoes, because those ones she had on today were as ugly as three kinds of hell. They look like Chester the Cheetah's used cum rags. And that dress. I'm sure she made it out of her old Scientology prison jumpsuit. Bitch, you've freed yourself of Tommy Girl, now free yourself of bad taste.

Right after Katie Holmes went down to the Geek Squad and had them remove all the brainwashing-viruses Scientology installed in the hard drive in her head, she pushed the enema deeper and continued to cleanse her life of all things Tommy Girl-related. TMZ says that after Katie filed for divorce and moved into her own apartment, she dropped the bodyguard and driver that Tommy assigned to her when she became his contract concubine 6 years ago. Katie also quit the publicist Tommy introduced to her and re-hired the PR firm she had before her bearding days. Bitch is seriously flushing the shit from her life like colon-obsessor GOOPY Paltrow on any day of the week.

TMZ says that Katie shot an episode of Project Runway All-Stars (yes, ANOTHER Project Runway All-stars) in NYC today and she showed up with a whole new team of bodyguards and a different driver. Some source says that Katie let go of her old bodyguards, because their in Tommy's corner, obviously.

Instead of firing her old bodyguards, Katie should've just poured holy water over their Scientology-made robot heads and softly cackled as their power grids malfunctioned before they shut down completely. That way all the data they collected on her in their hard drives would be lost FOREVER!

Some people have been saying that Katie gladly signed a bearding contract years ago and knew what kind of crazy she was getting into, so what happened for her to suddenly bolt? Well, TMZ says that Tommy really wanted to ship Suri off to Sea Org, which is like a Scientology boarding school where they brainwash the children into believing the words of a science fiction writer. The kids are sent to live there at the age of 6 and parents are not allowed. Katie got out of there to save Suri's soooooouuuul.

You know, those crazy Scientology bitches would probably have more members if they accepted kids as young as 2 into that Sea Org mess. Yes, brainwashing a kid at any age is wrong, but have you ever spent some time with a terrible two year old? They'll drive you to pick up the phone, dial 1-800-GET-XENU and say, "Hey Scientology, tell me about this Sea Org shit..."

This post definitely needs a soundtrack:

Katie Holmes is probably used to having the eyes of Scientology handlers glued to the back of her head so she doesn't take swimming lessons, fake her death on a yacht trip, run away to a small town and fall in love with Kevin Anderson. But TMZ says that since Katie Holmes is going hard at Tommy Girl by filing for sole custody of Suri, Scientology has stepped up their spying game. For the past few weeks, two SUVs have been trailing Katie's every move on the outside and several paparazzo who regularly stalk the estranged Bride of Scientology tell TMZ that the dudes driving those SUVs are not the paparazzi or from the tabloids. Cut to Katie opening up her medicine cabinet and finding that all of the butt lube bottles in there are turned with their labels facing out. They're watching you, girl!

None of this is surprising since I'm sure the top (and bottom, and versatile) queens of Scientology are not happy that Katie is trying to take away their golden child and screwing with Princess Tommy Girl. Katie has even moved out of the NYC apartment she shared with Tommy. TMZ says that in the past few weeks, Tommy has checked into a hotel every time he's been in town and hasn't slept one night in TomKat's apartment. Katie is living in a new apartment she rented weeks ago to prepare for the day she ripped her marriage contract straight in Tommy's face. Also, Katie filed for divorce in New York, because she has a better chance of getting sole custody of Suri here. But Radar says that Tommy is taking off his earrings, putting on all his chunkiest rings and slathering his face with Vaseline, because he's ready for a fight. Tommy's lawyers will respond to Katie's divorce filing this week by asking the New York court to move the case to California. Tommy will file his own divorce papers in California for both tax reasons and Suri-getting reasons. Tommy doesn't want anyone to think their primary residence is in NYC, because that will fuck with his taxes.

I bet in a galaxy nearby, L. Ron Hubbard is punching his Thetans right in the face. Now Scientology knows that the media is watching them watching Katie's ass. But still, Katie should still go to Matt Lauer's apartment and make him drool into an empty perfume bottle. Then she needs to spray the essence of glib all over her body. Those Scientology crazies won't get near that scent. Or she can just always wear a long coat made of antidepressants. Because those creepy alien whores are scarier than John Travolta's chomping-at-the-bit anus and they're really capable of anything.

UPDATE: One of the lawyers for Scientology deny their following Katie and we should believe him, because it's not like everything that comes out of Scientology's mouth is the opposite of the truth.

Here's a few pictures of the two SUVs allegedly busting some Scientology surveillance shit on Katie. I also threw in some pictures of a sad Tommy being sad on a sad helicopter ride.

MSNBC and a bunch of people on Twitter noticed that the members and future member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Wives Club all have something in common and it might give you nightmares of the number threeeeee. This is some creepy numerology shit.

Mimi Rogers, who started all the Sea Org fuckery by introducing Tommy to Scientology, was 31 when she became the first Mrs. Tom Cooze in 1987 and 33 when their marriage choked on a gay bullet and died in 1990. Mimi was 34 when their divorce was finalized.

Nicole Kidman was 23 when she married Tommy in 1990 and 33 when their 10-year contract ended in 2001. Nicole was 34 when her shackles officially came off after their divorce finalized.

Katie Holmes was 28 when she became the third bride of Scientology in 2006 and she's 33 now. If their divorce goes through after December, she'll be 34 when she's officially free.

So every one of Tommy's wives was 33 when they split and 34 when that shit finalized. THE FUCK? Is 33 the age when God finally feels sorry for Tommy's wife and wins her soul back in a rock, paper, scissor match with L. Ron Hubbard on a neutral planet (Neptune, obviously)? Does the mind control spell wear off when she's 33? And each Tommy wife is almost 11 years younger than the last one. If Tommy is shopping for a fourth beard wife already, then that means he's trolling the IMDB pages of all actresses born in 1989 or 1990. Hide yo 22-year-old actresses!

You know, I've been wondering why Suri Cruise hasn't been stomping the streets in her Louboutin Jr. heels. Now we know it's because she needed some sensible flats on her feet for when she needed to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Shit is getting real, because TMZ says that when Katie Holmes filed papers yesterday in NYC to legally cancel her bearding contract with Tommy Girl, she did it behind his back and he never saw it coming. So I'm guessing Suri created a diversion by having a tantrum on the floor in front of the guard guarding the locked door to Katie's windowless cell. As Suri kept the guard busy, Katie pulled away the "I Love L. Ro" poster on her wall and crawled through the hole that she's been digging for the past 5 years with a metal spoon. Then she ran to a getaway car driven by Dawson. That's exactly how it happened.

And now that Katie has de-programmed herself. She's really going hard. Katie wants sole custody of Scientology's golden child. A source tells Radar that Katie wants sole custody of Suri, because she is sick of raising her the Xenu-way and is even more sick of Suri's barley breath:

"Katie and Tom also have very different parenting views. Katie wants Suri to go to school with other children and have a grounded routine whereas Tom doesn't, he wants her schooled in the same manner as Connor and Isabella were. Tom is nowhere near as strict as Katie is and doesn't believe in disciplining Suri, whereas Katie believes that is important. Tom basically treats Suri as a little adult, however Katie treats her like a six-year-old child, and that causes some major clashes over parenting style."

Woe is Tommy. Who's he going to dress up in pink frilly dresses and parade in front of the paparazzi so he looks like a perfectly family man? I guess John Travolta is always available.

After spending your late night drunkenly twisting in front of a webcam while trying to recreate that Zoo Bee Zoo Bebe Zahara Benet shit from Mad Men, your legs are probably as sore as a twisted nipple. If you're the Empress of Scientology, Suri Cruise, all you had to do was use your telekinetic powers to ring the Baccarat crystal bell next to your princess bed and Stepford Katie would immediately gallop to whisk you off to wherever you want to go.

Suri has a mother whose soul has been replaced with Talking Tina parts and a father who makes bat shit look sane, but besides that she really does have it all. Suri has her own golden geese farm, a closet full of custom-made diamond dust flats and she never EVER has to touch the sidewalk for the rest of her life. You'd think that Katie would have Madge-like biceps by now, because when she's not carrying Suri around, she carries Tommy Girl around whenever he can't walk due to a sprained prostate.

Here's more of human chariot Stepford Katie carrying 5-year-old Suri to their apartment in NYC last night. This is like Footprints in the Sand as rewritten by Veruca Salt.

What more could a Tommy Girl want? Tommy's got a French man face nuzzling up against him and his eyes are sending tingles down to his Scientolohole, because he has fallen in love with that Oscar statue. If you put your ear to Tommy's head as he stared at Oscar, you would hear Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" blasting in there. The places Tommy wants to take that gold-plated tube of fun (fart if you need a clue).

Thomas Langmann, who won that Best Picture Oscar for producing The Artist, better have kept his hands on that trophy the same way I kept my mouth over my vaporizer to get through last night's show. Because if he left Oscar by itself for a quick minute, Tommy Girl would've un-velcroed the secret "easy access" flap on the ass of his pants and made it disappear by sitting on it. Tommy's no-no would've sucked the gold right off of that thing and left Thomas with nothing but a grey shell of a trophy that smells like a bath house floor. So it's a good thing Thomas didn't let go. Actually, I take that back. Thomas should've given Tommy that Oscar, because it's wrong to deny someone of true love.

Here's more of Tommy with peen on the brain (no, seriously, that forehead looks like the imprint of a peen lying on his brain) at the Oscars and later at the Vanity Fair party with Stepford Katie. Katie looked like shit. Was she serious with those clip-on bangs and that polyester hair tail from Sally's. Who does she think she is, Ambular from Clueless? Whatever.

Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...

Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!