Katie Holmes

Some of us are looking at that picture like it's the opposite of sexy, because Katie Holmes looks like she's in the middle of taking an extended dump and just realized that there's only one wipe worth of toilet paper left. That is totally a "Do I pull up my panties and chance it or do I risk dripping on the floor by squat walking to the next bathroom?" face. But dudes on the NYC set of Katie's movie are looking at the sight of her sitting there and telling themselves that they want to see that on their toilet the morning after.

Katie and Luke Kirby are currently playing manic depressives in love in the Spike Lee-produced movie Mania Days and it's a damn miracle that they get any work done, because every dude on set keeps trying to get on her. A source tells Page Six, “There were crew members and extras just chancing it. It really got on the nerves of director Paul Dalio. Needless to say, she said no to everyone.” The source says that so far seven dudes have asked Katie out.

Katie should give her publicist a bonus for getting that little story in Page Six.

Those crew members and extras asking Katie out need to know that it takes a special kind of dude to date the former duchess of Scientology. Not just any dude can date Katie Holmes. In order to date her, you have to be okay with Suri Cruise dry heaving every time you show up to her apartment wearing sneakers you bought on clearance at Foot Locker. That's one thing you have to be okay with. You also have to be okay with dying young, because Tommy Girl will probably have you killed. If you're okay with both of those things, ask away!

Here's more pictures of Katie Holmes and Luke Kirby as manic depressives in love. I'm already learning things from this movie! I just learned that a symptom of manic depression is wearing a t-shirt with jeans.

The Sun says that international fashion icon Suri Cruise has signed (or scribbled) a $2.3 million deal to start her own fashion line for children called Suri. Since this is coming from The Sun, then the chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of Tommy Girl twirling out of the Scientology closet and becoming a spokesperson for GLAAD and the head pharmaceutical rep for the makers of Prozac. But I wish this was made of organic truthiness.

The Sun says that Suri's fashion line will hit New York department stores first and if toddlers with their own credit cards buy it all up, the plan is put the line into department stores across the country. Some source (aka The Sun's intern who was forced to come into the office on a bank holiday) said, “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”

The world really, really does need a Suri Cruise fashion line. Suri has probably stopped trying to help Katie Holmes, because that homely, raggedy thing is a lost cause (see pictures of Katie Holmes looking like a homely, raggedy thing last month), but maybe she can help others be a more fashionable them. There are so many toddlers out there looking a damn mess. You don't know how many times I see a toddler out there in sweats, t-shirts, sneakers and normal kid clothes that every normal kid should wear and think to myself, "How could they crawl out of the house looking like that?"

So we really do need Suri to teach the children of the world how to dress. The Sun's article is fiction, but hopefully it turns into fact and Suri puts out a line of $500 kitten heels and daddy & me matching skinny jeans (in the same size!).

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is down in her studio, drooling out sketches of one-of-a-kind couture gowns for toddlers of the half percent. Making off-the-rack clothes for kids is so GAUCHE!

Getting divorce papers from Katie Holmes nearly knocked the dick out of Tommy Girl's mouth and he said that he didn't see it coming. (The divorce papers, not the dick. He ALWAYS sees the dick coming.) During an interview with the German TV network ProSieben (via People), Tommy says that even though he's a highly-trained Scientology bridge queen with telepathic powers like no other, he had no idea that Katie Holmes was going to file papers to officially quit his crazy ass.

"I did not expect that. [I've had] an incredible amount of time to reflect. Life is a challenge. To be 50 and have experiences and think you have everything under control, and then it hits you — that's what life is … Life is tragicomic. You need a certain sense of humor."

What sense of humor? I thought bitch's Thetans ate his sense of humor a long time ago. Tommy could be telling the truth, though. When Tommy's head isn't up his own ass, it's up Xenu's ass, so it was hard for him to see Katie dry heaving every time she looked at him and repeatedly pointing at the expiration date on their contract every time he looked at her. Tommy is just following one of Scientology's mottos, "When all else fails, be really fucking oblivious!"

Here's Katie Holmes in a photo shoot for Allure (via UsWeekly) that was inspired by the time she escaped the Scientology Celebrity Centre using the sewer system and was caught by her handlers two blocks away, climbing half-naked out of a manhole while looking wet, scared, confused and a little constipated.

In her riveting interview with Allure, Katie says that she's thinking of going to law school and that last year was such a tragic year (see: Hurricane Sandy, the Connecticut shooting) and she hopes this year is full of peace. Then she played the flute and wore a one piece in the swimsuit competition before placing third. Yeah, Katie's interviews still sound like some shit out of a Miss America pageant. You can take the girl out of Scientology but you can't take the microchip out of her brain.

Katie was also asked if she'd ever be into giving Suri a brother or a sister and she only said, "I don't know. I'm open to it." I know I'm only reading her words, but I feel the hesitation. It's like the same hesitation you'll hear in John Travolta's voice if you ask him if he wants to top. Katie is probably hesitant, because the last time she was pregnant, grown men in lab coats constantly rubbed barley butter on her stomach, she had to regularly put ultrasonic e-meter cans on her belly to read her fetus' thoughts and she couldn't even scream while giving birth. So yeah, she probably wants to stay out of a labor room for a while.

Man, that Suri Cruise chick is a friggin' diva. And way too big to be carted around like that. NYC does have some dirty-ass sidewalks, but seriously. No wonder why Katie Holmes looks so fatigued all the time. She's carting Tiny Tim Suri around like the girl has polio and she's lost her crutches. Stepford Katie is supposedly dating Jake Gyllenhaal, according to The Sun. Jakey's in good shape, so maybe she's just looking for a dude to hold her snooty daughter. Or there was a glitch in her server and the bearding program was reactivated?

A source said: "Josh has been the mastermind behind this romance. Katie says that they have tons in common and Jake has already been to see her in Dead Accounts, plus she has been over to his apartment in the West Village for dinner.”


Dead Accounts is set to close, by the way. No one bought tickets. So she's going to have time for beardin'. What do they have in common? They both used to have crushes on Tom Cruise? Oh wait, it says that Katie's Dawson's Creek pal Joshua Jackson set them up. Let's throw that in reverse to get at the truth. Jake needed to borrow a Joey Potter wig from Katie to fulfill that "Anal with Pacey" fantasy he's always had and this is clearly a publicist flipping the script for a "no homo" moment. I don't blame Jake. Pacey was hot. Get that Capeside cock, gurl.

Update: Gossip Cop says that both of their reps deny this shit. That's a good thing because that's one boring-ass couple. What would they have to talk about besides gluten-free products? Boys, I guess.

Check out more pics of Katie Holmes enduring the burden of lazy-ass Suri in the gallery.

At last night's 12-12-12 benefit show for Hurricane Sandy relief, Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl, a crushed velvet shirt and Pat Smear reunited to play a new song with Paul McCartney. I know, tacky whores. Instead of getting Paul McCartney, they should've used a Kurt Cobain hologram. Sadly, they didn't play "Rape Me" and dedicate it to Heather Mills and her lawyers. They sang a new song called "Cut Me Some Slack." Cut some slack is not something that Courtney Love's crazy ass is interested in doing.

TMZ says that Courtney Love took a break from making antique wedding dresses out of used crack foil and opened her yap hole to spill out a stream of hate over Paul McCartney singing with the surviving members of Nirvana. Since the inside of Courtney Love's head is an empty playground of delusion, she thinks she's the voice of Nirvana and wasn't amused that Paul was singing with them. Courtney doesn't like that Dave called it a "Nirvana reunion," because Kurt was the beating heart of the band and without him, Nirvana can never exist again. Courtney didn't like that the idea of Paul singing with Nirvana and thinks John Lennon would've been better.

I'm actually shocked that Courtney Love didn't break into Yoko Ono's apartment, steal John Lennon's ashes (that's if Yoko didn't turned Lennon's ashes into a diamond charm for her labia ring) and then rush the stage at the 12-12-12 concert to spread 'em while Nirvana and Paul McCartney played. That would've been more entertaining than that "Cut Me Some Slack" song. But I am here for that crushed velvet shirt.

Here's a few pictures of the tricks and tramps who overdressed (see: Blake NotSoLively and Katie Holmes) to pose at the 12-12-12 concert in NYC last night. In order: Blake, Chelsea Clinton, Cristal Connors, Jeremy Piven, the robot formerly known as Stepford Katie, Susan Sarandon and Tony Danza.

As Katie Holmes searches the sky for Scientology spy UFOs (that look like this) that are tracking her every move, Suri Cruise had a kiki with Daddy Girl or maybe she's calling Blue Ivy Carter to make fun of the golden child for wearing kicks with poor people diamonds (aka rhinestones) on them instead of rare polished kidney stones pulled from a pink dolphin.

Before you throw an "I can't even look at you anymore" at Suri for talking on what could be an ancient artifact from one week ago called the iPhone 4, let me educate you on some shit. Suri would never put hear ear on an iPhone 4. Suri won't even talk on the phone with a trick who is talking on an iPhone 4. Suri can tell, because she can hear the poor in their voice. Suri isn't even talking on an iPhone 5 here. That's an iPhone 7! They don't even sell it on the black market in Japan and there's not even a prototype for it. That's how forward Suri is.

And will the state finally step in and issue Katie a mandatory uniform since she obviously isn't capable of dressing herself. Who throws a dog blanket, some studded matador pants and elf boots on the bed and says, "This it the look!" Katie's not knowing ass does, that's who. Bitch looks like she was just kicked off of the Trail of Tears by her tribemates, because they were too embarrassed to be seen with her looking like she just fell out of Chico's ass. This is a Chico's kind of BARF.

The sound of a bloated gay walrus cackling is coming from the Scientology salon this afternoon, because as one of the stylists grooms and prunes the dead beaver on John Travolta's head, he's giggling with the goyls about Vanity Fair's cover story on the search to find Tommy Girl's third beard wife.

Most of us already know the romantic tale of how Scientology auditioned several actresses for the role of Tommy's wife and when ScarJo and Jessica Alba ran far away from that foolery, they settled on Katie Holmes' simple ass. Vanity Fair's Maureen Orth went deeper into that mess and writes that Iranian-born, British-raised actress Nazanin Boniadi almost became Mrs. Tommy Girl, but she screwed it up by "disrespecting" Scientology's other reigning tiny queen David Miscavige.

After Nicole Kidman's marriage contract with Tommy was up, Scientology wanted to find the perfect beard wife who'd obey all the laws of L. Ron Hubbard and who'd keep a straight face when Tommy sashayed in smelling like man anus and dick milk. David Miscavige's wife Shelly was named team leader of Mission Impossible: Make Tommy Look Like He's Into Pussy. Shelly started looking for Tommy's third wife within Scientology and narrowed in on Nazanin.

The head crazies at Scientology brought Nazanin in and told her she'd been selected for a very important mission. For one full month, they audited her every day and made her over by making her lose her braces, highlights and boyfriend. Nazanin had to sign a confidentiality agreement and Scientology threatened to brand her with the "suppressive person" title if she screwed with them. When Scientology thought she was ready to meet Tommy Girl, they flew her to NYC for a date, which was chaperoned by several members of the cult.

On the first night of their date, Nazanin, who realized quickly this was an arranged marriage type of situation, stayed in Tommy's hotel suite, but they didn't bone, because his special alien powers failed him when he couldn't make a 9" dick grow out of her vagina. Tommy and Scientology kept grooming Nazanin for the next two months and she supposedly fell in love with his little ass. Scientology took away Nazanin's access to her own checking account and the only form of money she had was a credit card in the name of Tommy's production company. Every day, Nazanin was audited and had to verbally barf out any negative thoughts she had about Tommy. Even though Nazanin tried to stroke Tommy's ego as much as she could, it was never enough for him and he would tell her shit like, "I get more love from an extra than I do from you." Tommy had a point, because that extra was totally a dude and that extra's peen probably kissed his Scientolohole several times. That's real love.

Eventually, Nazanin was shaved off of Tommy's face, because they didn't think she was famous enough and because she disrespected Miss David Miscavige by doing this:

According to the knowledgeable source, Boniadi also offended Scientology chief David Miscavige, who speaks rapidly, because she kept saying, “Excuse me?” when she was entertaining him and his wife during a visit to Telluride. In Scientology, the ability to have your communication “land” is crucial. Boniadi was excoriated by Cruise for disrespecting Miscavige. (A representative for Miscavige told Vanity Fair, “Mr. Miscavige doesn’t remember any girlfriend of anyone, in his entire life, insulting him.”)

Tommy never dumped Nazanin himself, but she learned he was done with her when she was moved out of his house and into the Scientology Center in Florida. When she was there, Nazanin told a friend about how she dated Tommy and the friend ratted a bitch out by reporting her to the head crazies at Scientology. Nazanin wasn't ever supposed to talk about being Tommy's beard, so they punished her by making her watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober. No, they punished her by making her feed Whoppers to Kirstie Alley. If you've ever seen a Scientologist with missing fingers and wondered how that happened, you now know how that happened.

NO, they really punished Nazanin by making her scrub toilets with toothbrushes, sell Dianetics on street corners and dig ditches in the middle of the night.

Of course, Scientology denies every single piece of Vanity Fair's story.

None of this is exactly shocking or new, but every now and again we need to be reminded that nothing good comes from Scientology. Okay, that's not totally true. Something good can come from Scientology if they make a reality show about the search for Tommy's next beard. They can call it The Batshitcrazylor. And instead of giving them a rose, Tommy will give the losers a shovel to dig ditches (aka their own grave) in the dirt field behind the Scientology Center.

Instead of taking my Prego jar full of loose coins (I call them loose coins, not because I found them in my pockets, but because they're really slutty) to Coinstar this weekend, I took it directly to Barney's and emptied it into the crystal Suri Cruise Foundation bowl next to each cash register. Because Suri Cruise is only getting $33,000 a month from Tommy Girl and so she needed our help more than ever or she would've been forced to wear the same pair of Jimmy Choos twice in one week. But everything has changed, because Katie Holmes has millions of dollars worth of jewels and handbags she can pawn off to keep Suri's feet slathered in luxury.

Radar says that every time Tommy bought himself a canary diamond-encrusted butt dildo, he bought Katie a piece of jewelry, so she has a ton of expensive pieces. Even though Katie didn't get a pile of money in her divorce settlement, Tommy let her keep all of the jewelry he gave her like a solid gold ball gag, platinum handcuffs, a pure onyx ball with chain and a cashmere computer cover that he'd put over her head at night so dust wouldn't get into her ears and screw up her internal hard drive. The source type put it like this:

"Tom was extremely generous to Katie with lavish gifts during their marriage and she will be keeping millions of dollars of jewelry, Hermes handbags and other luxurious items. Tom gave Katie diamond earrings as a birthday gift one year that easily cost over $500k and he had custom design pieces made for her. Under terms of the divorce, Katie is keeping all of the jewelry, handbags, accessories, and designer clothing. What she does with it is up to her. For the time being, the jewels are being kept in a very safe place and knowing Katie, it's likely she will one day give them to Suri once she is old enough.

Katie was never with Tom for the money. When it came time for the divorce, she just wanted it to be done quickly and with as little disruption to Suri's life as possible. Suri has always been Katie's number one priority and concern. During the divorce settlement talks Katie just wanted to make sure that she and her daughter would be taken care of from a financial standpoint."

Give them to Suri? Like Suri wants to wear used shit.

Tommy put a tracking device in every single one of those pieces of jewelry, so Katie should pawn half of them and then she should invite Lindsay Lohan over, so that crackburglar can steal the other half by shoving all those jewels up her cooch. Let those tracking devices lead Tommy straight up into LiLo's chocha. If that doesn't destroy him, I don't know what will.

And everything is right in the world. Suri is rich again and Katie has once again realized that her daughter is much too delicate to walk on the same ground that mortal peons walk on. Suri should ALWAYS be looking down at the world.

Damn that selfish Katie Holmes for only thinking of her selfish self by not dragging Tommy Girl to court to squeeze more gold bars out of him for the sake of Suri's future luxurious lifestyle. The courts officially shaved Katie from the bottom of Tommy's face this week when a judge finalized their semi-quickie divorce and now TMZ has all the details of what she actually got. Because Katie insists on being an independent woman, doing it for herself (copyright: Kandi from RHOA), she turned down monthly spousal support and a lump sum. The only thing Katie is getting is her soul back and $33,333.33 a month in child support from Tommy. Yes, ONLY $33k a month! That won't even cover half of Suri's monthly shoe budget. Let's let the self-talking Madame puppet that is Brayden from A-List: Dallas express our thoughts about this tragic news (skip to the 0:10 mark):

Yes, Brayden, I'm as sear-eeee-ess as the heart attack the manager of Suri's own personal Louboutin factory will have after he finds out he has to shut everything down, because she can't afford their services anymore. I'm Surious!

Tommy will spend a total of $4.8 million on child support by giving Katie $33k a month until Suri turns 18. Tommy is also paying for most of Suri's expenses including tuition for her fancy school, health insurance, college and medical and dental bills. Both Tommy and Katie both agreed that Suri will never go to boarding school. TMZ says that if Katie took Tommy to court, she would've gotten a lot more, but she just wanted to get away  rom his crazy ass soon as possible.

For Suri's sake, I hope that Katie's team leaked false documents to TMZ to make it look like she didn't get paid millions upon millions of dollars to keep her lips shut about Tommy putting his mouth over every hole at the Scientology glory hole. This has to be a mistake. But sadly, I sort of believe it, because Suri's been taking a lot of cabs (aka mobile poor movers) and here she is taking another cab last week. I hate Katie for this, especially because you know Blue Ivy Carter sent Suri a tweet about these pictures and you know that tweet said: NOT EVEN CARMEL?! LuLz!