At the beginning of last season's The Real Housewhiners of New York, Jill Zarin nearly OY VEY-ed herself into a puddle of neurotic frustration when both Ramona and Alex showed up to a wedding wearing shades of cream. According to Jill, the wedding etiquette she pulled out of her own ass states that guests should never ever EVER ever wear anything in the white family. It is forbidden by law or some shit. (Question for Jill: But I've been to some weddings where the bride wore jorts, flip flops and an "I'm Marrying Stupid" t-shirt. Does this mean I can't wear jorts and flip flops too? Does this mean I can wear a white wedding gown and veil? Please advise.)
Well, guess who broke the law according to Jill Zarin when she showed up to the wedding of Prince Willy and Hot Ginge's cousin in head-to-toe cream? Okay, it's more like the color of leche con a drop of cafe (or like the color of a post-butt sex condom), but still!
Not only did Kate steal all of the attention away from Zara Phillips by wearing an embroidered corn tortilla coat, but not one guest at the wedding could concentrate on the ceremony. They were all too busy trying to fight the craving for thin crust pizza dough, a round tamale and a poorly made Awesome Blossom while staring at the mess on Kate's head. Making it all about you: Duchess Kate knows how to do it.
And now, instead of wanting to talk about Zara's dress, I want to nibble on an Awesome Blossom wrapped in pizza dough. Kate is good.
Here's a few more pictures from this morning's latest royal hat convention. In order: Duchess Kate with Prince William, Zara with her new husband Mike Tindall, THE QUEEN with her pocketbook, Prince Hot Ginge, Prince Charles, Princess Bea and the Duchess of Cornbread with some Wind of the Willows shit on her head.
Before leaving North America on a COMMERCIAL FLIGHT (it's all their welfare pounds could afford them) yesterday afternoon, Prince William and Duchess Kate spent the morning doing arts shit with a bunch of kids at the Inner City Arts in L.A. They painted pictures of snails, they made handprint plaques and then Prince Willy perfectly ended his trip to California by rolling out a statue of something that I may or may not try to harden in my down low kiln. There are minors in this post, so I'm not going to say anything that will cause Chris Hansen to pull out of his side whore in order to pour me a glass of watered down iced tea.
Let's just say that Prince Willy's art piece isn't a bottom-heavy, wiggly uncut peen, and is simply just his artistic interpretation of what Prince Philip's tongue looks like when The Queen finally puts down her purse (a euphemism: that's one) at the end of the night. Yes, Prince Philip's tongue is shaped just like Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Because the real A-listers and superstars were at the other royal event of the night (The Empress of Lucite's Tupperware and dildo party), Prince William and Duchess Kate had to hang out with the likes of JLo and her mother Guadalupe at last night's BAFTA Brits To Watch event in L.A. JLo was kind enough to pay tribute to Prince William by wearing a bald spot gown that showed off Skeletor's favorite part of her body to do lines of dried virgin blood off of.
Even though Lupe Lopez slipped on the lard of elegance that dripped off of JLo, not everyone was hypnotized by her beauty. That gold BAFTA mask is definitely frowning with his eyes, because he's about 2 inches away from losing his nose to JLo's hongray hongray culo.
And hopefully, JLo's taste for exquisite cut-outs inspired Kate Middleton to bring The Slut Dress out of retirement and onto the royal stage.
Prince William and Duchess Kate flew into LAX today and they were immediately greeted by some ho who gave her an FTD patriotic bouquet leftover from a Fourth of July barbecue. (I see the yellowing. Don't try to fool, bitch.) Kate Middleton wore some dress that I'm sure will sell out in three min - it's sold out - and she quickly changed into the L.A. uniform of choice: UGGS, ripped denim shorts, a white tank top and a Burberry scarf.
Later tonight, they'll all pile into a Range Rover to drive 4 hours in traffic to get to a Starbucks 5 miles away for Frapps and a bathroom break. Then they'll eat the flashes of the paps at the Look At Me Cafe with Chicken Cutlets before dancing on top of Kim Kardashian's ass until they get really tired and have to check into rehab for exhaustion.
Welcome to America!!!!
By the way, doesn't Kate know that when you come to somebody's house you should always bring a hostess gift. Would it have killed her to bring a half used Glade candle, a 3-pack of wine coolers, a tub of barf wipes (the perfect hostess gift, honestly) or a greased up and naked Prince Hot Ginge?! And she calls herself a lady of manners. RUDE!
Yesterday was Prince William and Duchess Catherine's second to last day in Canada and three major things happened: Will and Kate wore big ass white cowboy hats that were almost bigger than their big ass white molars, the fart from the wind pushed up Kate's dress which almost revealed the "Property of The Queen" brand on her upper ass cheek and the rotten piece of bitter flesh in my chest nearly burped up a beat when Kate met with a young cancer patient. But first, the hat!
Prince William doesn't do shit for me. Looking at him feels like getting teabagged in the eyes with a pair of wet, cold, used Earl Grey bags. My eyes make the same expression they'd make if I was eating a soggy crumpet out of a bulldog's ass (cut to this face). But what do you know? Throw some Brokeback Mountain on his body and suddenly I'm neigh-ing like Camilla when Prince Charles comes prancing into the room dressed up like a Tampax Pearl. Don't get me wrong, my genitals still pledge the allegiance to Prince Hot Ginge, but Prince William has got me rubbing my moustache (aka pubes) at this interesting development! He should just glue that hat onto his head, because it's doing something right for him. Now on to the Kate and the young cancer patient....
6-year-old Diamond Marshall, who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year and lost her mother to the disease when she was 18-months-old, met Kate Middleton in Calgary with help from the Children's Wish Foundation after she wrote this letter:
July 8th is the day it is revealed to me that a letter from a cancer patient on pink paper is my Kryptonite. Yes, you've got something in your eye. Just tell your co-workers that you've been shooting heroin into your eyeballs in the bathroom again. Or tell them your eyelids are sweating because you exhausted yourself from choking out a kitten earlier. You have a reputation to uphold!
And long before Pippa Middleton flies little Diamond to London and takes her to lunch to Princess Diana's favorite restaurant?! Pippa will not be topped!
The Duke and Dutchess of Cambridge, Willy and Wait, arrived in Ontario Canada today to grace their loyal subjects with their presence. It is only fitting that they ventured their royal selves to "the honeymoon capital of the Commonwealth" as proclaimed by Governor General David Johnston today in his welcome speech. You can read more about it at Reuters if you need the skinny on what they'll be up to during their visit.
Personally, I would rather post pics of PHG in tight shirts, but if you're into white bread, rice cakes, and plain cold oatmeal, here is the royal couple and possible future King and Queen of the Commonwealth for your viewing pleasure.
In honor of what would have been Princess Diana's 50th birthday on Friday, Newsweek pulled out the Photoshop zombie tool and brought her back to life on their cover next to Duchess Kate. I'd like to call this Newsweek's annual "....The Fuck Is This?" cover. If Kate Middleton didn't always have twirling crowns in her eyes, she wouldn't be making smiles at Zombie Diana, that's for damn sure.
I once made out with my piece in the parking lot of a church where a relative's funeral was taking place (AND I wore white socks with black shoes), so I am the last person who should ever comment on shit being tasteless, but really?! Newsweek also knighted itself as Sir Fuckery by including an extra long "What if?" article by Tina Brown, which asks the question no one was asking: What would Princess Diana's life be like today?
One thing I do know is that if Princess Diana was alive today she sure as hell wouldn't be wearing a rattan plate charger from Pier 1 as a hat! And hasn't Prince Hot Ginge been through enough*?!!
And coming soon from Newsweek: If dinosaurs were alive today, would we dress them up in tutus and take them to the groomer to get their anuses bleached?
* Yes, by enough I mean me constantly cyber slobbering all over his ginger scepter any chance I get.
And now the media's hungry anuses really are going to fall off from the over-excitement of trying to make Pippa Middleton a thing we all care about, because she is officially single and ready to mingle with publicists who can set her up with famous dudes that will get her into the tabloids even more! I hope you like the taste of unflavored marmalade and stale crumpets, because the most boring lump of boring in Britain is really about to get shoved down our throats until we start shitting locks of shiny brown hair. The "MAKE PIPPA HAPPEN!!!" campaign is in overdrive! Actually, it's out of gas and we're all standing around with our arms crossed like, "Nope, I'm not pushing it to the nearest BP."
People that Duchess Kate's sister broke up with Alex Loudon who was her date to the royal wedding. A source says that Pippa and Alex are still friends and it's "common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up." Pippa has already been seen doing the photo op stroll with her ex-boyfriend George Percy who's the son of the Duke of Northumberland.
This is the thing, I'm sure Pippa Middleton is a lovely and pleasant bowl of oatmeal and I respect her hustle, but we already have a Blake Lively and we don't need another one! If you dipped Blake Lively's hair into brown paint and slapped a British accent on her tongue, she'd still be Blake Lively! There's only enough Zzzzzzzzs in the world for one Blake Lively!
And I can't leave you with a picture of Pippa's basic ass, so here's a flambe in the form of Prince Hot Ginge's nipples at a polo match. The media is obviously going to try to put Pippa and PHG together but it's not going to happen in real life. PHG loves his hos the same way I love my lemonade: freckled, sour and full of vodka.
Prince Hot Ginge, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Philip and Camilla all gathered together to celebrate Queen Elizabeth: The Sequel's official birthday (which technically is in April) by doing what they do best: smiling and waving while riding in a carriage.
The professional waver and smilers rode through Central London today before they ended up on a balcony where they continued to wave and smile as their subjects. They also busted into a pose that was just begging for a Fergie-loving pigeon to drop a shit bomb on their perfect layer of gleaming white Chiclets. Damn you, pigeons! You disappoint us all.
But someone that didn't disappoint, FOR ONCE, was Kate Middleton. Kate wore a bowl hat on her head that is perfect for carrying condoms, a litter of orphan kittens, bountiful amounts of fruit and couples' keys at a key party. Kate definitely had the hat of the day, but Prince Philip's bear dick hat and Prince Hot Ginge's Troop Beverly Hills beret were a close second and third.
The who's who of British society - let me stop and start again. The who's who of British society minus Amy Wino, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty, Harvey Price, Alicia Douvall, the cast of Geordie Shore and.. Wait, since I put it that way I should really say that the who cares of British society (that's better) gathered at the ARK 10th Anniversary gala at Perk's Field in London tonight to bask in the blinding white glory shooting off of Prince William and Duchess Kate's teeth. I swear, whenever I see these two I just want to make out with a Chiclet or gently hump my teeth with a Crest White Stripes.
It's been six weeks since Duchess Kate secured the second most coveted position in the world, Prince Hot Ginge's sister-in-law (the first being, Prince Hot Ginge's peen ring), and tonight she and Prince William attended their first evening gala as a married ass couple. Tom Ford, Elizabeth Hurley, Kevin Spacey and others were part of the lucky few who got to see the royal teeth up close.
And Duchess Kate's dress looks cotton candy slobber, so it works for me.