Kate Middleton

While Kim Kartrashian is still dressing her knocked up body in four-sizes-too-small leather condoms and fetus-crushing girdles, Duchess Kate's knocked up ass is out there looking like a plate of deliciousness.

Duchess Kate went to a garden party with Prince Charles and Camilla at Buckingham Palace yesterday and she looked like a stick of butter with a dollop of whipped cream and white chocolate shavings on top. If Mama June was there, it would've been bye bye Duchess Kate. Mama June's mouth and chin would've burped up locks of shiny brown hair for weeks.

Duchess Kate also kind of looks like a popcorn Jelly Belly.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really hongray for corn syrup and thousands of calories.

Some people thought that Duchess Kate would birth out a future queen named Diana Elizabeth Jodie (as in "Jodie Marsh" as in the true Queen of England) after she supposedly spit out the news on accident a couple of months ago, but Prince Hot Ginge is telling hos something else. The Mirror says that PHG is running his ginger mouth and telling everybody that a future king will slip out of Duchess Kate's vagina royale and not a future queen.

My guess is that PHG let a heavy stream of the sweet nectar trickle down his throat and when that happens, he either starts spilling all the royal family secrets or he pulls his panties off and does the dick slappy dance for a bunch of hos. Sadly, he did the former instead of the latter and is telling everyone that he's going to get a nephew. Some source said this:

“Harry has been telling everyone Wills and Kate are having a boy and how thrilled he is at the prospect of having a little nephew. He said the whole family were excited about it. Apparently Kate has always wanted a boy. They’re really working hard on baby names now and think they have it sorted. But they won’t reveal anything to ­anyone – not even Harry. Of course, Harry’s been making up crazy suggestions and winding them up too. The close inner circle all know that it’s a boy and they’re busily buying gifts with a boy theme. There will be an awful lot if blue in their house.”

People shouldn't be wondering if Duchess Kate is going to pop out a boy or a girl or a giant set of teefs with no genitals. What people should be wondering is if the ginger gene that blessed PHG is going to bless Prince William's kid too, because that's the only thing that matters. The world has enough kings and queens (see: the line in front of the check-in counter at the Scientology VIP bath house), but it can never have too many gingers.

I guess Prince Hot Ginge doesn't need to get drunk in Las Vegas to pull his wand out and play with it. Sometimes he does it in the middle of the day. As Duchess Kate laughed and thought to herself, "Watching Harry play with his wand is actually my job. I love life!," Prince William smiled to keep himself from crying while he wondered why she's not smiling at his wand. What's wrong with his wand?!!!

Prince William, Duchess Kate (with a half-blood prince in her womb) and PHG went to the inauguration of Warner Bros. Studios in Leavesden, Hertfordshire today and they visited several Harry Potter sets, jumped on the Bat Bike from The Dark Knight Rises and got a wand lesson. The three of them looked like Ron, Hermione and Harry: The Later-ish Years.

And I take back that Prince William thing I wrote in the first paragraph. He's not wondering why Kate isn't happy to see his wand. He's looking at his wand and wondering what the hair growing spell is. Is it Propecius Groweth? Or maybe it's Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia?

Here's more of PHG, DK and PW at Warner Bros. today. It's nice to see Kate wearing something from the Big Business maternity collection.

UsWeekly (via HL) says that Duchess Kate and Prince William have already picked out a full name for the fetus royale that is baking in her womb. Duchess Kate and Prince William haven't confirmed that they're having a girl in July, but some source says that they are having a girl and they already know what name they're going to write down on the royal birth announcement scroll. Unfortunately for Morrissey, they aren't going with his personal choice for a name: Princess Scroungina Welfarelle of Wales. Right now, they call their fetus "little grape," but when she's born they're going to call her Elizabeth Diana Carole. 

Queen Elizabeth will knock the crowns off their heads with her pocket book if they don't name the future queen after her, so that's why they're naming their daughter Elizabeth. Elizabeth is also Kate's mother's middle name. They chose Carole as a second middle name, because Kate's mom is named Carole and Carole is also the Latin variation of the name Charles. Her first middle name will be Diana for obvious reasons.

BOOOO! Boring and basic name, but what did we expect? Elizabeth, Diana and Carole sound like the top 3 most popular girl names of 1956. There goes my dream of those bitches naming their kid Harryella Waity of Wales. And I can't be the only one who saw the name "Diana Carole" and figured that Kate and William's favorite Dynasty character is Dominique Deveraux.

At the National Fishing Heritage Center in Grimsby, England today, Duchess Kate continued to do her one job: bring up the economy by wearing a coat and dress that thousands of crazy people will buy just because she wore it out in public. While Duchess Kate waved, smiled, waved and grabbed at flowers from her subjects, she might've let the vagina out of the bag by telling everyone that she's carrying the future Queen of England in her royal womb. The Daily Mail says that when Diana Burton gave Duchess Kate a teddy bear, she almost dropped the "daughter" word and it made a bunch of nosy ass hos around her try to get her to spill it. The conversation went like this after Diana gave Kate the teddy bear:

Duchess Kate: "Thank you, I'll take that for my d--"

Sandra Cook, one of the nosies: "You were going to say daughter, weren't you?"

Duchess Kate: "No, we don't know!"

Sandra Cook: "Oh, I think you do."

Duchess Kate: "We're not telling."

Then Duchess Kate smiled at Sandra and whispered something into the ear of her henchman. He snapped his fingers and two guards came out, dragged Sandra Cook into a prison chariot and she hasn't been heard from since!

Duchess Kate's ass could've been talking about anything. Just because she dropped the letter "d" doesn't mean she meant daughter. Maybe she meant "dog," because a gift from a peasant is only good enough for her damn dog. Maybe she meant "down bitch," which means she's going to give it to Queen Elizabeth. But really, she probably meant "dude," which means she's going to give to Prince William, which means he's totally going to fuck it. I knew Prince William was a down low plushie.

And if they have a girl, they're totally naming her Princess Harryetta Diana.

After suffering from the stage 4 pregnant barfs and frolicking in the ocean in Mustique, Duchess Kate stamped her time card and went back to work by visiting Hope House, an addiction recovery center, in London today. And by "work" I mean she waved at people, held flowers, smiled at a little girl and put on a serious face when she watched OTHER people do actual work (see: picture above). So basically, Duchess Kate is like Mr. Rogers, but I don't think she talks or sings and she doesn't look as hot in a cardigan as he did. But I'm pretty sure all of her best friends are animal puppets.

Millions of paps were outside of Hope House this morning, because they all wanted to get a hi-res, close-up shot of the most important thing in the entire world right now: the skin dome covering the 4-month-old fetus royale. Duchess Kate shook a few hands, held her bump, watched one of her subjects make food, listened to a few speeches and then she got back in her horse drawn carriage which took her to her crystal palace where she took a nap on a thousand down-filled satin pillows as her maids fanned her with feathers. Being a princess is hard.

And if you haven't already, spend some time with author Hilary Mantel's piece about the royal family and how they picked Duchess Kate to be their next princess because she's a Stepford robot who's perfect for breeding. The Daily Mail is freaking out about it and it's only a matter of time before THE QUEEN challenges Hilary to a shank fight behind Buckingham Palace. Here's a few slices from it it:

I chose Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, and I chose to give her a book published in 2006, by the cultural historian Caroline Weber; it’s called Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution. It’s not that I think we’re heading for a revolution. It’s rather that I saw Kate becoming a jointed doll on which certain rags are hung. In those days she was a shop-window mannequin, with no personality of her own, entirely defined by what she wore. These days she is a mother-to-be, and draped in another set of threadbare attributions. Once she gets over being sick, the press will find that she is radiant. They will find that this young woman’s life until now was nothing, her only point and purpose being to give birth.

Antoinette as a royal consort was a gliding, smiling disaster, much like Diana in another time and another country. But Kate Middleton, as she was, appeared to have been designed by a committee and built by craftsmen, with a perfect plastic smile and the spindles of her limbs hand-turned and gloss-varnished. When it was announced that Diana was to join the royal family, the Duke of Edinburgh is said to have given her his approval because she would ‘breed in some height’. Presumably Kate was designed to breed in some manners. She looks like a nicely brought up young lady, with ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ part of her vocabulary. But in her first official portrait by Paul Emsley, unveiled in January, her eyes are dead and she wears the strained smile of a woman who really wants to tell the painter to bugger off.....

Kate seems to have been selected for her role of princess because she was irreproachable: as painfully thin as anyone could wish, without quirks, without oddities, without the risk of the emergence of character. She appears precision-made, machine-made, so different from Diana whose human awkwardness and emotional incontinence showed in her every gesture.

"Designed by craftsmen, machine-made, a shop-window mannequin, no personality....." Who knew that the British Royal family and Scientology look for the exact same things when picking out a robot bride for their golden son?

Because waving at your subjects and cutting ribbons at the opening of gardens is really hard work, Duchess Kate and Princess William (typo and it stays) got on a plane and flew all the way to Mustique for a babymoon. (Ugh, the phrase "babymoon" hurts my eyes almost as much as the phrase "over the moon" does) last week. While in Mustique, a 4 month knocked up Duchess Kate got into a two piece to take the royal fetus for a swim and a paparazzo got pictures of her "squint and you might see it" bump and sold those pictures to Italy's Chi Magazine.

The last time Duchess Kate and Prince William got in their swimming chonies, a French paparazzo got a picture of her sunning her royal nipple knobs and everybody lost their minds. The newest pictures don't show Kate's royal nipple knobs, but The Queen is still covering Prince Philip's eyes with her pocketbook, because he probably can't take seeing a pregnant woman in a two piece! A messenger from St. James Palace pulled out a scroll and read this statement from the royals:

"We are disappointed that photographs of the Duke and Duchess on a private holiday look likely to be published overseas. This is a clear breach of the couple's right to privacy."

The palace said that the paparazzo used one of those long lenses to get pictures of Kate and William without them knowing. The pictures are pretty damn blurry and it could be two boiled turnips in swimming clothes for all I know, but the pictures are clear enough for me to see that Prince William's got body. Who knew? If he put a Prince Hot Ginge mask over his head, he'd totally be panty creamer material.

And yeah, Duchess Kate and Prince William's lives are so hard.

Here's the official royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by artist Paul Emsley and it was supposed to hang inside the National Portrait Gallery in London, but since it looks like she's slurping up your soul, they're going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead.

Looking like Jacqueline Smith circa 1982, a knocked up Kate Middleton showed up for the unveiling of her official portrait at the National Portrait Gallery this morning and after she swallowed ten loads of barf, she put on a manufactured smile and said that it was "brilliant." Yes, brilliantly haggard. Kate might've pretended like she was into that beat, jank mess of a portrait, but the critics aren't pretending like they love it. They are dragging it. They've called it "rotten" and "dour." "Rotten" and "dour" is proper British talk for "fuckinguglyasfuck" and "raggedy piece of crap."

Duchess Kate told Paul that she wanted to look natural and he tried to capture her "sparkling green eyes" and "charm." Well, Paul, you tried, but there's nothing charming or sparkling about this wreck. He made Kate look like a 70-year-old evil stepmother who is about to lock you in the attic, because the Prince is coming to look for the owner of the glass slipper and she knows your foot will fit it.

Kate sat for Paul before she got pregnant, but they could've fooled me. By the way her lips are pursing, it looks like she's desperately trying to stop herself from vomming up half of her insides. It's like she just licked some dirty ass.

You know what, though? It can totally be fixed and there's no need to send Paul to the square to be flogged publicly. Cecilia Gimenez, work your magic, girl! via @m4tt

Just stamp an Olan Mills logo on it and it's a masterpiece! And when the Daily Mail asked Morrissey for a comment on the first official portrait, he said, "Loves it!"

That high-pitched squealing most of London heard last night, wasn't from George Michael playing in the park again. It was from Morrissey fangirling over his royal idol Duchess Kate making her first appearance in front of public eyes since she checked out of the hospital. I'm sure Morrissey has already printed this picture out, pasted a picture of his face over Becks' face, drew a heart around Kate with a sparkly gel pen and glued it to the ceiling over his bed so every morning he can wake up and look at the beautiful reason for why he opens his eyes.

If I was laid up on a princess canopy bed and Prince Hot Ginge was hand-feeding me pieces of crystallized ginger while Prince William rubbed my tummy with a silk glove on, I'd stay sick forever. But Duchess Kate has a job to do! Somebody has to wave, smile, stand, wave, smile, stand, wave, smile at events and that somebody is Duchess Kate. So she pulled herself out of her sick bed for a quick second to wave, smile and give out trophies at the Sports Personality of the Year Awards in London last night.

I wish that while Duchess Kate was standing next to Becks and staring at his shiny ass forehead, she saw her reflection and realized that she should stop doing her hair like an Angel of Charlie and stop stealing clothes from Tootsie's dirty laundry basket. The Breck Girl look is not for her. But she probably didn't see that since the sparkle rays from her bright shiny white teeth ricocheted off of Becks' forehead and hit her in the eyes, leaving her temporarily blind. Damn!

It's one thing to violate the laws of everything by spewing out the words "over the moon," but it's an even bigger crime when you stuff that overused phrase in the mouth of a woman who isn't even here to knee you in the asshole for putting those words in her mouth. Marie Sutton, an evil heart hurter who looks like this, claims to be a close friend of the late Princess Diana, but they obviously weren't that close if Marie is doing her like this. Marie tells Life & Style that if Princess Diana was alive today, the news that she's going to be a grandma would've made her throw herself over the great big crater in the universe. As the earth rolled from Princess Diana spinning in her grave, Marie said this:

"The pregnancy is just such marvelous news and Diana would be over the moon, absolutely. I think she would have loved Kate – everyone seems to love her, she’s very easy-going and has a beautiful family. I think Diana would have blended in very well with the Middletons.”

We as a people are supposed to evolve and part of evolving is keeping "over the moon" out of our mouths. But instead of doing that, we're now making people who literally can't say it, say it! We have got to do better. It's as if Marie hates Princess Diana. Wait a minute.... Are we sure Life & Style spoke to the actual Marie Sutton? I bet your ass it was Morrissey doing a Marie Sutton voice. Bitch pranked Life & Style. Is there anything he won't do to fuck with the royal family? Shameless.

Here's Prince William, whose head is sort of looking like a moon, meeting Cate Blanchett and the rest of the cast of The Hobbit at tonight's premiere in London.