Seen here yelling at dumb and rude New Yorkers who almost walked in front of the paparazzo's camera during their staged photo-op stroll, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Aniston's ice pick nipples (perfect for when you need to crack open a block of ice for a vodka on the rocks) were in NYC over the weekend. People says that they went shopping for bikinis at Barney's and they drank martinis at Nobu. Riveting shit!
If Justin had a shaved head and carried a black plastic folder covered in anarchy sign stickers, he'd look like every wannabe skinhead at my junior high school. And I don't know if Jennifer Aniston looks like she's having a Chico's kind of day or looks like a come-to-life J. Jill catalog with nipples.
And Aniston's publicist owes her several round of martinis for lighting a match to the never-ending fart known as the pregnancy rumors by covering her stomach with that sweater thing. He trained her well!
After downloading and cropping that pic, I got second hand coke high, so I took a warm shower, drank two cups of Benzos tea, came back and I'm still grinding my teeth and suffering from the coke sweats. That is your face on coke. That explains why Jennifer Aniston isn't making Justin Theroux sign his name on a money-saving clause (aka a prenup).
Some source tells OK! Magazine (via Hollywood Life) that Justin offered to sign a prenup since she's worth over $100 million and all of his fortune is in his collection of black skinny jeans. Justin's reverse gold digger psychology worked, because Jennifer turned his offer down. The source says:
“Jen’s absolutely adamant about not having a prenup. She told several friends: ‘I’m choosing love, not money. And people are just going to have to deal with it.’ It’s a sweet and romantic thing to do. But a number of friends are desperately worried her decision could come back to haunt her one day.
Everything is going so well between Jen and Justin right now, she doesn’t want to taint the romance.
Why are her friends worried? Aniston has finally found a dude who loves to exfoliate his face with coke as much as she does (see picture above), tucks her Beanie Babies into bed each night for and they can share skinny jeans. That saves them money. They're going to be together forever (which in Hollywood time is 3 years at most). Let's say Justin does get half of her money when they eventually break up, she still has at least $50 million! That'll still buy her a lot of coke to exfoliate her face with.
And now I need to take another warm shower and drink two more cups of Benzos tea.
Jennifer Aniston taped an episode of Ellen yesterday (that shit airs today) and right after she farted on the fake rumor that a Friends reunion is happening next year, Ellen showed a clip of what happened when Jennifer Aniston tried to scare a ho. Jennifer Aniston is as good at scaring hos as she is at playing anybody but herself in movies. Ellen asked Aniston if she ever scares her piece Justin Theroux and she said that he's the one who scares her ass. Justin is always hiding behind drapes and jumping out at her.
"He calls it trickery. But he's constantly hiding behind drapes. And I'm constantly scared. It's like, it doesn't get old on me."
Oh, that Aniston births out a million laughs a second. Justin Theroux isn't hiding behind the drapes, because he wants to scare her. Justin Theroux is hiding behind the drapes, because he's the scared one. You too would be hiding behind whatever you could if before she left the house, your girlfriend chained you to something heavy and put her most trustworthy Cabbage Patch Police Kids in front of you so you won't try anything funny. (Officer Cutey McPatches sees EVERYTHING.)
Justin isn't jumping out at Aniston, because he's trying to spook her ass. He's jumping out, because he hears the foot steps of another human and thinks that help has finally arrived to rescue him! Then when he finds out it's just Aniston, he sighs and goes back to his place behind the drapes to drink his Smart Water and cuddle with the blanket she made for him using her dog's shed fur.
Here's Aniston talking about Justin's "trickery" on Ellen.
Jennifer Aniston is supposed to break the forever alone curse put on her by an evil witch (no comment) by licking the grease off of Justin Theroux's lips when they kiss at their wedding in a few months. Jennifer is supposed to get all the attention and all the covers of every magazine and everybody should be talking about her her her her her! But because Brad Pitt has to ruin everything, he's probably going to ruin her wedding day.
The Sun (I know, I know) says that Brad got a marriage license about a month ago and that he and Angie Jolie are planning to throw a wedding at their chateau in France in May. Jennifer also wants to get married around May, so she's pissing into Brad's bong, because he's ruining her damn life once again. Some source said that Jennifer was thinking of going to Brad's wedding (file that under: things that will only happen if Maddox lures her there by leaving a trail of Beanie Babies from her door to Brangie's wedding), but she's changed her mind.
“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests. She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars."
I know, I've typed this a million times before (what else is new?), but Brangie and TinAnis should really make the world explode by having a double wedding. If they had a double wedding, the sheer force of the Brangeloonies' heads exploding would make the Earth tilt on its axis and we'd all free fall into the universe before landing on a planet far, far away. We'd get up, wipe the foreign planet dust off of our body and just as we all breathed out sighs of relief over never hearing about the Brangie and Aniston triangle again, some alien will come up to us and say in our native tongue, "So who's dress was hotter? Jen or Angie's?"
But really, Brad and Angie are never getting married. They're just dragging this out to torture all of us forever.
And here's Brad dressed like a middle-aged lesbian architect while walking through LAX yesterday.
You know it's a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology's bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein's greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody's talking about how John Travolta can't pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I'm sure Moses himself parted Travolta's wig. I'm not talking about Moses from the bible, I'm talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.
Travolta didn't only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.
Here's a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we're on the subject of lush beards, let's pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.
So much for the 489th rumor that Jennifer Aniston is knocked up with the final sign of the apocalypse, because here she is in Cabo with a flat stomach and I don't see a fetus foot dangling out of her crotch. This Christmas, Jennifer Aniston is blinding people within a 40-mile radius of Cabo with the bright ass rays shooting off of her 89-carat diamond hitchin' ring and she's doing tequila shots out of Justin Theroux's cum gutters. I'm just going to point out three quick things about these pictures:
1. While Jennifer Aniston puts some heat on her ice pick nipples, she lies in the birthing position, because you can never practice too much and you never know when the BABY OF YOUR DREAMS might pop out of there. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant happens in real life sometimes.
2. Is Justin Theroux serious with those jorts and newsboy cap? Justin is in Cabo, bitch isn't at a summer barbecue on a rooftop on Avenue B. You know at least once during their trip, he'll ask a waiter, "Tienes Pabst?"
3. SmartWater is SadWater today, because Jennifer Aniston is cheating on it with what looks like Fiji.
And as for Justin, fugly jorts and all, I still would.
On the right is Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston at The 26th American Cinematheque Award Gala Honoring Ben Stiller in Beverly Hills last night, and on the left is the legendary TV couple whose look they copy and pasted. Jennifer Aniston should feel one with Brenda Walsh, because they both had their overrated man snatched away by a whore pit viper. How can Aniston do Brenda wrong by stealing one of her signature looks? Maybe Aniston thinks that if she wears Brenda's lucky prom dress, she'll get some. Sorry, Aniston, the only way you're gonna get some from the grown-up Eddie Munster is if you buy him a $100,000 Porsche. Oh wait, you already know that.
But more importantly, why are they sweating? Rich and famous people aren't supposed to sweat. Shouldn't they always have an invisible force field of air conditioning around them? Don't they Botox each one of their pores so this doesn't happen? I bet that's fake sweat, because they want every one to think that they had fast, dirty, breath-taking sex in the backseat of the car. Actually, they probably did bone in the car (see: Aniston buys Justin Theroux a $100,000 Porsche).
The National Enquirer (Side Note: Am I the only one who says "Enquiring minds want to know. I want to know!" every time he reads "The National Enquirer"?) says that when Justin Theroux asked Jennifer Aniston to be his wife, she didn't scream out YES! YES! before pulling out an ironclad engagement contract and making him sign it in Baby Alive pee (Baby Alive pee IS thicker than blood) so that he can't change his mind when the wine buzz wears off. But apparently, Jennifer did make Justin promise to sign a prenup before she took that 8.5 carat diamond engagement ring out of his hand. Uh huh.
Playing Rachel Green in almost every single movie she's in has made Jennifer Aniston over $120 million, so she's trying to protect her fortune and doesn't want to trade doing shots of $2,000-a-bottle tequila in a rented multi-million dollar Mexican beach house for doing shots of Sauza at the El Torito in Northridge. Even though Justin looks like a street hobo who lives in a gas station bathroom and steals all of his clothes from Salvation Army donation bins, he's actually worth $10 million himself, so he's happy to sign a prenup. Some source said this:
“She’s working feverishly with her lawyers to hash out the pre-nup so she and Justin can marry by the end of the year. Then they plan to start adoption proceedings so they can bring home a baby in 2013. Jen has found her romantic happy ending at last. But she’s been around the block enough times to know that she has to be realistic. God forbid this marriage fails, but if it does, Jen at least wants the security of knowing she won’t be wiped out financially.”
Justin signing that prenup is good news for all of us and by "all of us" I mean me. Because I hope I live long enough to see the headline: "Jennifer Aniston Leaves Entire $120 Million Fortune To Her Cabbage Patch Dolls!" I deserve that!
Jennifer Aniston can finally take "Single Ladies" off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. "You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!" And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!
Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren't fireworks from Jen's chocha. No, it's a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters' heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses' minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.
Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I'm not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don't freak out,that's right, I said I have no shade. It's okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven't had it in awhile.
Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are back from publicizing their relationship all over Europe and when they landed in LAX yesterday, she had a diamond ring on her finger. No, the diamond ring wasn't on her hitchin' finger. Jennifer wore the promise ring from her favorite Beanie Baby on that finger. The diamond ring was on her right ring finger and it's got Page Six asking if Justin put it there while proposing to her ass in Europe. Justin might've broken the old, crusty spinster curse an evil witch put on Jennifer Aniston many years ago. Does that mean Angie Jolie is going to turn back into a dragon and all her kids will turn back into cups, candlesticks and clocks? And Jennifer Aniston's Cabbage Patch dolls will turn back into human children? I forget how the fairytale goes.
Page Six also says that Jen and Justin were in Europe to look for places to get married.
That ring don't mean shit, because there's no way Jen is engaged. First of all, as far as I know Maddox hasn't turned into a cup or whatever. Second of all, if Justin did ask Jen to marry him, we'd know all about it before she screamed, "OH MY GOD YES YES LET'S DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND OH GOD GIVE ME YOUR PASSPORT YOU CAN'T LEAVE!"
As soon as Justin pulls out an engagement ring box, Jen will declare a Code: Apocalypse. A traveling midget photographer will jump out of her travel bag, editors from People will parachute in from the sky, and Jen's publicist and a SmartWater rep will set up a backdrop for the photo-op that reads, SmartWater: It Does Miracles! So yeah, the curse lives on!