Jessica Simpson

VIA UsWeekly

In an interview with Extra (via UsWeekly), Jessica Simpson sounds like a generic eHarmony ad when talking about what she's looking for in a man. If I was her, I'd say I was looking for one that wouldn't leave my vag cold the day before my birthday, but Jessica is aiming high.

If you've ever wanted to win an open mic comedy night, just read this quote from Jessica word for word and you'll be rewarded with a hurricane of queefs, laughs and drink tickets. Now let's hand over the mic to Little Miss Chicken of the Sea:

"I don't want to get bored. I can bore out pretty easily, so I love intellectual men ... people that will always keep me intrigued. I definitely love a spiritual man -- somebody that is going to always inspire me. And, you know, I love artistic men -- somebody that really understands their art."

This is the true meaning of: TOO EASY. I mean, if Jessica gets bored easily, she can always try to spell "intellectual" in her own head. That will keep her busy for a few hours at least.

So if you can past the following test, ring up Joe Simpson and schedule a date with Jessica!

Intellectual: You must be able to write your own name in cursive without the help of a grown-up. Don't worry about writing your last name. Jessica asked for an "intellectual," not a genius!

Spiritual: Can sit through Oh, God! without getting distracted by a ball of yarn in the corner.

Artistic: Four words: Color By Numbers Graduate.

Page Six is saying that the owner of one of the busiest peens in Hollywood, Gerard Butler, had a dinner date with the new Jennifer Aniston at SoHo House in NYC on Tuesday night. Gerry and Jessica Simpson weren't alone though. They were with friends including Jessica's full-time gay Ken Paves. A source said, "They were at a table with friends, but Jessica and Gerard, who sat next to each other, seemed to only be interested in each other and chatted for hours. They were laughing and flirting and eventually left together, along with Ken."

Chatted for hours?! I was under the impression that Jessica's brain shut down after 15-minutes of conversation to recharge. It's not like Gerry would notice anyway since he was probably too busy licking her boobies with his eyes. No, I think he was literally rubbing his eyes on her chesticles while she was in sleep mode.

It's very interesting that Gerry left the joint with Jessica AND Ken. Gerry has admitted that he's a fan of threesomes, so I'm guessing that Ken got a piece of Gerry's BUTTler too. Actually, Jessica probably sat in the corner eating her leftovers while Gerry gave Ken's hair some highlights with his jizz pen.

And since Gerry seems to be going through all of John Mayer's exes, Minka Kelly better warm her vagina up, because THE BUTLER is coming for her next!

A chicken of the sea got caught in the net. Throw is baaaaaaack!

So, Jessica Simpson is off in Uganda shooting her Vh1 reality show The Price of Beauty. Before she went to bed, Jessica Twatted about having to sleep in a mosquito net. Jessica joked (I hope), "WTF?!? Do I really have to sleep like this?"

To answer your question, Jessica, no you don't.

Jessica is already a giant bottle of OFF!. Mosquitoes won't bite her ass, because they know that if they do, they will be infected with chronic dumbass-itis.

VIA UsWeekly

Jessica Simpson is flipping off the "assholes" who are LOLing at her for thinking that her fur baby Daisy is still alive. Jessica probably flips off with the wrong finger, but just pretend she did it right.

Jessica posted this message on her Twitter yesterday, just a few days after she watched Daisy Simpson get dognapped by coyotes.

You know, if those evil coyotes snatched my dog, I wouldn't be sitting around Twittering about it. I'd dress up as a sexy coyote slutgirl (aka like a Kardashian), sashay up to the hills and try to trap those bitches! Yes, everything I know I learned from Bugs Bunny.

The coyotes would most likely rip my ass cheeks off and bite at my nipples, but at least I could say I tried. So fur up, Jessica, and heads to the hills! The actual hills, not the TV show. I feel like I need to point that out to her.

Jessica Simpson's beloved dog friend Daisy faked her own dognapping to get away from the dumbass was captured by the coyotes on Monday and she pleaded to the coyotes to return her safely, but so far she hasn't gotten an answer. So Jessica has taken her search to the next level by hiring Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of Daisy's disappearance. No, but she should have done that. Instead, Jessica has hired a company called FindToto.com.

The company issued an Amber Alert on Daisy and called 1,000 of Jessica's closest neighbors. The company thinks Daisy might be hurt, so they asked people to check their yards and under their decks.

I wonder if FindToto paid a little visit to the douche den of Twit & Twat, because I read this at People earlier today: Spencer Pratt surprised Heidi Montag Tuesday morning with a 9-week-old female maltipoo. "Spencer gave me the best gift ever, a maltipoo puppy that we have named Dolly."

I mean, Spencer is a mangy beast who constantly slobbers, so maybe he's really the one who snatched Daisy.

VIA UsWeekly

Jessica Simpson's full-time dog friend and frequent subject on this blog, Daisy, was captured by the coyotes yesterday! Jessica Twittered that she watched in "HORROR" as those evil coyotes took Daisy. Jessica has posted this flier all around town and on Twitter asking the coyotes to please e-mail her. She is ready negotiate!

Now, I know most of you are thinking that Daisy was probably the main entree at dinner last night (insert mega sad face here), but maybe that's not the case! Maybe the coyotes have been following Daisy's rise to stardom on the internets for some time and decided they wanted to worship her. So they kidnapped her, took her back to their lair and made her their new coyote queen! But probably not (insert more sad faces here).

Hopefully, real coyotes didn't get Daisy. Hopefully, it was Papa Joe in a coyote costume who took Daisy, because Jessica needed some more press. One can hope.

Poor Daisy (insert all the sad faces we have in stock here).

Just so we're clear, I'm talking about Paris, France and not Paris, Arkansas. Although, I'm sure Jessica Simpson would kill it on the mini-mall catwalks in Paris, AK.

So, Jessica Simpson's Vh1 reality show about beauty took her all the way to France yesterday. Jessica was there to model in a fashion show for designer Ozlem Suer. Jessica managed to not fall off the stage or trip on her own irrelevancy, so it was a job well DONE! Although, Chestica probably should've given her sad wilting chesticles a pep talk before they went out. And by "pep talk," I mean she should've duct taped those hos or slapped a bra on them.

Papa Joe better update Jessica Simpson's resume and immediately forward it to Gerard Butler, because it sounds like the two could be perfectly happy together if she catches him in the right mood. Manwhore Gerard not only wants a woman with succulent breasteses, but it also sounds like he might want one with pork rinds for brains! Gerard said:

"Sometimes along the way in my life I don't want a smart woman right now, I want a dumb woman. But then you think, that doesn't work, now I want a smart woman. Then you get a smart woman and you go no, that doesn't work so it's just killing me right now."

Oh, Gerry. Sometimes he says dumb things (don't we all) and sometimes he says smart things (don't look at me). Wait......AND he also has a really really amazing rack. Maybe Gerry's soulmate is himself? Match made!

Source (Thanks Michelle)

Last night, Jessica Simpson and her friends celebrated Ken Pave's 56th birthday (I'm making up numbers) by getting wasted. They are doing the right thing, because that's what you do on birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals, during labor, weekends, weekdays, morning times, etc... etc....

These pictures are kind of hilarious, because it seems like chaos is happening all around them and Jessica's boozed up ass doesn't even notice! I mean, water was thrown and Ken Paves looks like he's got the angries in a bad way. Ken's glitter hole is whistling like a kettle, he's so mad! And there's Jessica: "Doo doo dooo doo doooo dooo dooo doo. O look, it's a purdy waterfall... doo dooo dooo dooo."

Bitch really does have it good. Drunk or sober, she never knows what the hell is going on with anything! Can you imagine always being dazed in the head without having to snort one line of the bad shit?! They say ignorance is bliss. Well, Jessica Simpson is bliss too.