At a party for Good Housekeeping in NYC last night, Chestica Simpson left the Ken Paves wig at the hotel along with her damn neck! Did bitch's neck skedaddle (yes, I'm 80), because it was afraid her giant uni-chichi would attack it? Without a neck, Jessica looks like the Tasmanian Devil dressed in drag as a Real Housewife. Ken Paves needs to be a better main gay, because he should've told Chestica to pose as though someone was dangling a bacon-wrapped hot dog above her. Or something! Lift the head, part the titties, and everything will be okay!
And in other Jess news, she still swears on Ken Paves' glistening ass lips that she really went SANS FARDS on the cover of Marie Claire. Jess told UsWeekly last night, "Look at the cover -- you can tell! My nose has been broken a couple of times. If you look at a retouched cover of me and you look at the Marie Claire cover, you can see there's a big difference. I take the pictures. I don't know what the magazine is going to do with it after that. I don’t know what the photographer is going to do with it after that, so it was important for me to make sure that they absolutely did not retouch. I just wanted people to see how I really am."
"I don't know what the photographer is going to do with it after...." = "Touched by an army of Photoshopping angels"
Jessica Simpson Tweeted a couple of photos yesterday of her wig orgy with Ken Paves during a flight. Jessica posted the picture above with the caption: "Carol Brady who? :)" CAROL BRADY?! Bitch wishes she looked like Barry Williams' favorite MILF to fap to.
Jessica looks more like a middle-aged Palm Springs swinger from the 70s who spends her days sipping vodka lemonade in her backyard while her Latin house boy spreads tanning oil all over her body. So basically, she looks like Ken Paves.
And here's another one:
Obviously, Jessica didn't take a pair of scissors to her mane. If she did, Papa Joe would be proudly walking the streets in a bikini made from Jessica's hair.
Marie Claire claims they gave their Photoshoppers and make-up artists the day off when shot Jessica Simpson for their SANS FARDS cover. This cover could also be called "Xtina's Idea Of Hell."
Jessica says she agreed to go make-up-less in order to promote her new initiative called "A Beautiful Me," which encourages young girls to love themselves or some shit. Jessica added, "I don't have anything to prove anymore. What other people think of me is not my business."
I know most of you are throwing Jess a "Ho Please Stop" look sponsored by Maybelline, but I'm sure she's telling the truth.
That's not concealer on her skin. That's a $5,000 tinted moisturizer made out of charbroiled placentas. That's not lip gloss on her lips. Ken Paves' butt blew an air kiss on her lips (his farts shimmer). And that's not mascara on her lashes. Jess' lashes are just permanently singed from that time Papa Joe flashed his nipples at her first thing in the morning.
Click here if you wish to see more of SANS FARDS Jess in Marie Claire.
Lil' Wayne recently had to spend a third of his day in the dentist chair, because his dirty ass rotten mouth needed a bunch of root canals. Well, that's in Jessica Simpson's future, because she admitted that she hardly brushes her teeth. So now Papa Joe knows why Jessica looks at him funny whenever he walks around with a tube of toothpaste down his pants. Jessica ain't interested. Not ever!
In an interview with iheartradio (clip above), Jessica singed the interviewer's nostril hairs when she opened her dirty mouth and said, "I don't brush my teeth. No, really! I just use Listerine and sometimes I'll use my sweater. I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. I mean, find me when I'm 60 and they'll probably be all out."
John Mayer described Jessica Simpson's pussy as crack, but he didn't say anything about how he had to pick food particles off his dick every time she went down on him. Note to any dude who is about to get down with Jessica, bring a pack of Glide with you! You're going to need it to floss steak bits out of your peen hole.
Here's dirty-mouthed Jessica greeting a dog in NYC yesterday. Dog is like, "Did my tongue go a little too deep when I licked my asshole this morning, or is that just your breath?"
Here we have Mah Boo Anderson Cooper throwing Jessica Simpson a "So you think your no-no makes dicks go boom?" look at Vanity Fair's Oscar party on Sunday night.
Seriously, if John Mayer thinks Jessica has the stuff to cause crotch explosions, then he obviously doesn't know about the Silver Fox's powers. Don't let Mah Boo's size fool you. He might look like a baby Whippet next to Jessica's bull dog body, but he just has to purse his mouth lips to make b-holes detonate.*
*I'm speaking from experience. It looks like Chernobyl down there.
If anybody is equipped to handle Jessica Simpson's sexual napalm, it's Jeremy Renner! Dude doesn't even need to wear a helmet or goggles. If he's going to get blown up to Jesus, he's going to go out comfortable (that last line was written by Mark Boal).
Papa Joe is doing the dick slappy dance this morning, because there's a chance that his little girl might start dating an Oscar nominee!!! This is the closest Jessica will ever get to giving a hand job to Oscar! People reports that Jessica and Jeremy "flirted up a storm" at a cocktail party at Guy Oseary's house the other night. Jessica's full-time gay Ken Paves is a regular bottle of Spanish Fly, because he's the one who pushed the two together. At the end of the night, Jessica and Jeremy exchanged phone numbers before going home.
This is actually pretty perfect. Sexual Napalm meets the bomb diffuser! For Jessica's sake, I hope Jeremy turns her hurt locker (thanks to John Mayer) into a tingle locker. Yeah, bring out the cane. I deserve to be dragged off stage for that last one.
Ladies who make the decision to fuck on John Mayer should get him to sign a confidenitality agreement before he sticks the tip in. Unless you're okay with him vomiting up all the details to anybody who sticks a tape recorder in his face. And this is exactly what John Mayer did to Playboy (via UsWeekly) about Jessica Simpson's sex skills. According to John, Jessica's vagina should come with a prescription for methadone, because it had him foaming at all three of his mouths. Open up and get ready to gargle with a splash of lukewarm douchewater:
John on Jessica being his drug: "And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'"
John on Jennifer Aniston dumping his ass because he is a Tweet-ker: "There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"
John on how many girls he's screwed since Aniston: "I'm going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops."
John on how he's upping his famewhore game in 2010: "From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the shit out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's fucked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even fucking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'fuck you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."
A John Mayer interview is like a cheesy dick. You know it's going to be painful, but you still plug your nose and give it a lick because the slut in you just can't resist. And once you're done with it, you're left with an awful taste in your mouth that not even Listerine can cure. But John still makes me laugh (Yes, I'll bash myself in the head with the Listerine bottle after I rinse my mouth out).
And you know Papa Joe is going to tape this interview to the wall in front of his favorite toilet. That's his Jess!
Here's a video of Jessica Simpson's ear having intercourse with a flaming candle while a gay villain (Ken Paves?) cackles in the background. The obvious explanation for this is that Jessica is just partaking in a little ear candling to get all the wax out. But personally, I think the gay villain played a joke on her dumb ass by telling her this is the quickest way to warm up your brain after it freezes from downing a Slurpee too fast. You know the gay villain is getting off on Jessica moaning in pain like she's getting fisted by this guy without lube.
Actually, maybe this is a viral video for Papa John's. Now we know what the secret ingredient in their dipping sauce is.
If Star Magazine wanted to put out the most ridiculous (slash hilarious) cover of the week, they should've just featured the story about Jessica Simpson dating Billy Corgan. But they really outdid themselves with this amazing work of art that belongs in a museum of laughs.
Papa Joe is probably twisting his floppy peen as punishment for not coming up with this amazing idea during one of his intense bowel movements/brainstorming sessions.
According to a source, Jessica and Tiger Woods flirted with each other at some golf tournament back in July. Since Jessica is a blonde with titties and a steady pulse, Tiger immediately pounced on her ass. The source explained, "Tiger liked what he saw and let her know it. Jessica said that she felt like Tony wasn’t paying attention to her, so she was like, ‘What the heck!’ She decided to have fun with Tiger whether it bothered Tony or not.”
It didn't really go anywhere after Tiger asked Jessica for an Ambien and she handed him an Altoid. But seriously, it's a good thing Jessica never hooked up with Tiger, because bitch does not need to partake in sleep aid sex. I mean, she's already in a permanent Ambien haze....
There's a hundred handfuls of famous dudes I can picture Jessica Simpson with (i.e. Huckleberry Hound and the Cuban Gynecologist), but Billy Corgan is not one of them. That's why this little article from E! Online has me asking Jesus for some assistance here.
E! says that a Smashing Pumpkin and a smashed bumpkin are smashing each other. Let's smash our heads in until this makes sense.
A source is saying that Jessica is completely "smitten" with Billy, and he's telling his friends that they are officially dating. But one of Jessica's "friends" isn't about to send them a couple's heart pendant necklace anytime soon. They told E!, "He's just another in an endless string of Jessica's boyfriends. They think he's too old for her. No one takes any of her boyfriends seriously anymore because she has had so many. They're sick of all of them being 'the one.' "
Jessica would fall in love one of my dog's dingles if it sent her a nice text message, but what is going through Billy Corgan's fetus-like head? Maybe Billy is freakier than we thought and he actually gets the tingles from cuddling with Jessica on the sofa while Papa Joe awkwardly stares at them from the corner with one hand "in his pocket" and the other hand twerking his nipple. Freaky ass freaky bitches!