Just so you know, the world's chocolate shortage has absolutely nothing to do with Jessica Simpson finding out about her ex-husband Nick Lachey getting engaged to that Vanessa Minoloblahnicksorwhatever trick. NOTHING. And at the Sizzler the other night, when Jessica was lurking outside of the kitchen door and pounced on the server as soon as he came out with a try full of cheese toast. She didn't do it to drown her sad feelings in cheese, butter and carbs. It was just a regular Sunday night for her! I mean, that cheese toast is pretty damn good. But I digress...
"I am extremely, extremely happy for him. I couldn't be more happy for Nick. I don't know where all those rumors came from. My mom actually called me and told me that everybody was saying that I was 'saddened.' And I was just in complete shock. You know, our relationship was over a really long time ago, so it would be nice if everybody could move on with us and really just celebrate the love between him and Vanessa. I do, and I wish them nothing but the best."
While Jessica is happy, I'm saddened that the ravishing shoulder-to-toe red leather ensemble she's wearing in the picture above hasn't made the comeback it deserves. Please tell me Jessica is going to wear it to Nick's wedding. Please!
Or maybe she just made a fart. The look is the same. Anyways, here's Jessica Simpson promoting her line of stuff and signing autographs at Macy's in NYC last night. While Chestica made that money, her leased piece Eric Johnson held her purse on the side and got lost in his own head thinking about all the purdy shiny things his sugar mama is going to buy him for his birthday.
Yeah, it was his birthday yesterday and I'm sure dude was like one of those brats who was more focused on tearing the wrapping paper off all his gifts than eating a piece of cake (Jessica has finally found her dream man). I was never one of those brats, surprisingly. I cared more about getting a piece of sheet cake from Gemco with a frosting rose on it. We used to tear each other's hair out for a frosting rose. That was special shit.
Here's more of Jessica NOT looking like the MVP of the National Drag Queen Football League while taking her bitch out last night. Spanx it till it fits!
Jessica Simpson doesn't have the skills to be a judge for the South Carolina State Fair's Annual Pig Costume Contest, and yet she somehow was chosen to be the guest judge at Project Runway's finale runway show in NYC yesterday morning. And Jessica confirmed that she's the second coming of Coco Chanel by wearing an unfortunate dress that made her look like Ethan Suplee in bootleg drag as Endora going to a funeral. Blame Michael Kors for giving Jess another "This Is Not The Look" moment, because he designed that mess.
I know Jessica Simpson sells a lot of shoes at Macy's and shit, but JWoww also has a clothing line and you don't see her as a guest on Project Runway (Crystal ball says "Please welcome guest judge...JWoww - Heidi Klum next season"). I mean, Jessica has the fashion sense of a damn squirrel!
Wait, I take that back. Sugar Bush has proven that squirrels have impeccable taste in fashion:
Hell, Sugar Bush should've been the guest judge instead of Jessica!
Jessica Simpson Twatted this picture of her gazing lovingly up into the nostrils of her boyfriend Eric Johnson as though his mocos are covered with chocolate and powdered sugar. Jessica also added this little caption:
"I met a wonderful man. Damn I'm lucky!"
Maybe Jessica got mixed up and really meant to post a picture of her with Bob's Big Boy.
But seriously, Jessica is still one of those girls who tell themselves they are happy by telling everyone about how happy they are. You know, that girl who is always saying shit in front of you like: "Look at my hot man eat that chicken fanger. Damn I'm lucky!", "Look at my hot man work that remote control. Damn I'm lucky!", "Look at my hot man throwing me a side-eye like he wants to choke my annoying ass out. Damn I'm lucky!" and "Look at my hot man carry all of his shit out of my house and into the trunk of his new girlfriend's car outside. Damn I'm lucky!".
Jessica Simpson showed off the love she shares with her new paid piece Eric Johnson by Tweeting this picture of them kissing yesterday. Yeah, kissing. It looks more like a mama bird trying to resuscitate a slowly dying baby bird after it ate too many worms. Jessica had this to say about the picture:
Romance 101..getting kissed by my Yalie...me not lookin' so smart...:) but YUM!
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter
Since Jessica gently fucks her teeth with a toothbrush only once a week, Eric is also screaming YUM on the inside. Eric is getting a full balanced meal out of this kiss. A little Korean BBQ, a few waffle cone chunks, etc... Put your lips on Jessica and leave with a full stomach! Kirstie Alley just raised her hand to ask if Jessica is planning on opening up a kissing booth anytime soon.
I love how Jessica's pointing out that her piece went to Yale. This is the closest Jessica will ever get to going to Yale since that time she caught a rerun of Beverly Hills 90210 where Andrea decides to go to California University instead of Yale. Bitch is still closer to going to Yale than my ass is. I should be jealous.
And Jessica really doesn't have to worry about ever looking smart. Why bother? If Jessica was photographed wearing a Harvard valedictorian sash while holding a Mensa card, I still think the last thing anybody would say is, "Fuck, she looks smart here."
Here's Jessica taking her Yalie to dinner in NYC the other night. UsWeekly says that Eric dropped out of the Wharton School to travel around with Jessica. And who said gold digging isn't a major?!
Jessica Simpson's friends tell Star Magazine that her new man isn't with her, because he absolutely loves it when Papa Joe crawls into bed with them in the early morning hours for a warm spoon fest. He also isn't with her, because he finds it endearing that she still thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. (<----- Something I too have a hard time dealing with). Jessica's friends say that Eric Johnson, who used to play for the New Orleans Saints, is only dating her, because the inside of his checking account looks like this.
Apparently, Eric is living with Jessica in her multi-million dollar mansion and isn't paying for shit. On their recent trip to Italy to celebrate her 30th birthday, Jessica pulled out her wallet for everything. The $3,000 a night hotel suite? Jess paid. The $5,000 chartered yacht? Jess paid. The fancy meals? Jess paid. One friend said, "Jessica is so starved for love, she just doesn't see any of Eric's faults. She's been paying for everything in their relationship, and it doesn't seem like Eric intends to stop that anytime soon."
I really don't see the problem here. As my mentor in my head, Alexyss K. Tylor, says, "Sometimes dick is so good that you just wanna slap somebody." Or in Jessica's case, sometimes dick is so good that you just wanna slap down your credit card and buy your hooker something shiny.
The dick game Eric is laying down on Jessica is obviously getting an A+++ from her! I mean, it's got her so twisted in the brains that she doesn't care if she's walking around in one of Mrs. Roper's old ones. Although, Jessica would also get twisted in the brains if you told her that Uncle Ben isn't really her uncle, so....
Ken Paves can cancel his standing appointment with his chiropractors and take off his bedazzled weightlifting belt, because Jessica Simpson has found a new man to jump on and kiss on like a delicious Jabili. Jessica just couldn't contain her crotch throbs so she straddled her new piece, former NFL player Eric Johnson, while vacationing in Capri. And while Jessica's labia lips are clapping like a seal on speed, Papa Joe looks like he's the headlining float in a sad parade (see thumbnail #1). Even Papa Joe's titties can't hide the fact that they are sad that Jessica is hugging on a different trick.
Jessica Simpson, the wide receiver for Papa Joe's 69ers, and Eric Johnson, the former tight end for the 49ers, have reportedly been bumping fuck parts since May. TMZ has it on good authority (hint: Papa Joe slipped a note under Harvey Levin's protein shake at the gym) that Jessica and Eric are "very happy." Eric used to be married, but he filed for divorce from his wife this past February.
Ken Paves is probably sick of Chestica crashing his dates by showing up on his door with an Entenmann's cake and a SATC box set. So for the sake of Ken Paves' expertly bleached b-hole, I hope this new relationship works out for her so it gives that bitch someone to do. And it will work if Eric doesn't mind it too much when Papa Joe stares at Chestica's chichis while slowly licking the butter on a kaiser roll during dinner. Hopefully, Eric is okay with being the Marilyn of that crazy family.
Here's Chestica Spanxing for her life with creepy Papa Joe at the opening of the Greenbrier Resort in West Virginia on Friday.
At an Operation Smile event in NYC last night, Jessica Simpson gave a variety of interesting facial expressions that are just aching for the Photoshop treatment. If Papa Joe must put these pictures through the Photoshop wringer, I hope he keeps it clean. Literally. Seriously, drop a Sonicare or a Water Pik in her mouth. If bitch isn't going to brush her teefs in real life, she can at least brush them through the magic of Photoshop (soon to be renamed "SJPshop," trademark pending).
When Jessica wasn't using her face to reenact my nightly bong ritual, she answered questions from the likes of UsWeekly. They asked Jessica about the rumors that she's brushing her teefs with Jeremy Renner's peen. Jessica kept her lips shut and her publicist dragged her on to the next mic.
Of course, Jessica isn't going to say shit about that. She wants everyone to keep talking about it. It's the equivalent of sticking the tip in and promptly pulling out to leave them twitching for more. That's how Papa Joe explained it to her anyway.
When I first read Cynthia Nixon's name on the list of celebrities attending the White House Correspondents' Dinner, I immediately rubbed a layer of SPF 10 million over my eyes to prepare them for the vision of the glorious Rojo Caliente in a custom made white tuxedo from the GOD collection at Men's Warehouse. Well, I nearly blinded myself for no reason, because it doesn't look like Rojo Caliente was even there. Oh, Rojo continues to elude me like proper grammar.
Doesn't Rojo know that Obama only agreed to show up because he wanted to witness her beauty for himself? Sigh. Even though Rojo was not there to dazzle Obama's soul, he still managed to perform. Here he is throwing ZINGS and SNAPS left and fucking right:
UPDATE: Forget everything I said above, because Rojo Caliente was there. AND HOW!
Doesn't Rojo look sharp as all fuck? Rojo looks like she's about to tap dance off walls and shit! How is that frosty beverage she's holding not bubbling over? It's the luckiest glass in the world. I've never wanted to spoon with a glass until now.
And here's some celebrities who were invited to last night's dinner for whatever reason. Don't ask me how some (Michelle Obama and Betty White not included) of these hos got an invitation. Most of them don't even belong at the White Castle Correspondents' Dinner let alone the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
In order: a future People Magazine "I'm a lesbian" cover fetus, some drag queen, Jessica Simpson with Gabourey Sidibe, Patricia Arquette (looking dreadful) with Wendie Malick (ditto) , the Jonas Brothers, Donatella Versace, ScarJo with her twin brother, the Tasmanian Devil, MiserAlba with her husband, BETTY WHITE and Michelle Obama.