Jessica Simpson

There are two reasons for why carrying a greedy, selfish fetus-shaped bundle of slobber for 9 months is a good thing. The first reason is that you can eat a deep fried chocolate burrito with cake batter sauce out in the open without judgmental hos dropping the gavel on you with their eyes. The second reason is that you get special treatment almost everywhere you go. People will give you their seat on the subway, some parking lots have special spaces for knocked up hos and even paraplegics will roll off of their wheelchairs so the pregnant lady can sit. Jessica Simpson was thinking she'd get this kind of special treatment when she waddled up to a popular Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara, CA recently.

Star Magazine (via Radar) says there's always a long ass line to get into La Super-Rica Taqueria and Jessica thought she didn't have to wait because: a) She's Heffica Simpson; and b) People would feel guilty listening to her ankle bones crack while she stood in line behind them. Jessica tried to cut in front of the line, but nobody was having it. The source put it like this:

"Apparently Jessica was too hungry to wait on the line like everyone else, so she tried to walk straight to the front in the hope that someone would take pity on her pregnant self. Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her. It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line. But she didn't want to wait. After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner."

Those people made the smartest decision of their lives! Think about it with your nose. Without a baby in her belly, Jessica's farts melt contact lenses and will take two of your senses to dark, dark places. The taste of Jessica's butt burps will never leave your tongue until you rinse with bleach and your nostrils will shrivel down to the size of an ant's peen slit. Your nostrils won't have the will to go on anymore. Add a baby and Mexican food, and you've got the ingredients for the most destructive weapon on this planet. If North Korea ever gets too bold, we just have to roll Jessica to their borders, turn her around and then hand her a tub of Pintos 'N Cheese. The next thing you'd see is millions of North Koreans waving white flags while singing Kumbaya.

The waiting diners at La Super-Rica Taqueria know what I'm talking about. They were not about to let Jessica turn their delicious plate of chilaquiles into a plate of shitaquiles. Nope.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

The new chosen one has stepped onto the planet and knocked the halos right off of Brangelina's twin messiahs, and yet Jessica Simpson's baby is still baking in a puddle of trans fat in her womb. Beyonce barely had a dollop of anything on her stomach at her 9th month and it really looked like she was growing her baby in her damn wig, and then you've got Jessica who is giving us a whole of DAMN at 7 months. My eyes swole up just by looking at her. I bet Jessica doesn't even walk. Bitch stands really still and lets out a high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her a few feet. Then she takes a deep breath, stands really still and lets out another high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her another few feet. Bitch's got a motor in her ass.

Jessica came out big on Friday night for NBC's TCA Party where she was there to whore out her new fashion reality show with Nicole Richie. Jessica told reporters that you won't find her waddling around A Pea in a Pod, because she stays away from maternity clothes, "I buy bigger sizes, which is very important, but I haven't really gone to maternity clothes because I don't really love maternity stuff."

Who needs maternity clothes, anyway? It's easier just to lay out a black tarp, spray Jessica down with fried chicken grease and then roll her over that tarp with the help of a thousand villagers and the tree trunk of a mighty oak. Then they wrap her up, lift her up with a crane, throw a few pounds of sequins at her BOOM! Instant knocked up glamour! But seriously, Jessica really does look happy, which is more than I can say for the owners of every Korean all-you-can eat barbecue in the L.A. area who had to close up for 9 months after hearing that Jessica swallowing tin trays for two now.

Jessica Simpson is at least into her 5th month of being knocked up (I think) and at this point you'd think that she'd only be able to get around on a manatee gurney carried by highly trained coastal conservationists. But nope! Chestica only needed help from her gold digging fiancé while walking the carpet at last night's Shoe Fetish Awards (aka The Footwear News Achievement Awards) in NYC. I can't believe I am about to type the following sentence in the year 2011 without Papa Joe holding his loaded dick to my head: Chestica looks good. Maybe I only think that because her pregnancy farts are so damn potent that they've turned into scented pixels and have seeped through my monitor causing me to hallucinate. Let's go with that.

My only complaint is that Jessica's shoes don't match her dress. Oh, well. Chestica can't even see her shoes due to the triple mounds o'plenty blocking her view, so I'll let that shit slide this time. Seriously, though, I think Jessica's carrying Beyonce's baby in her tits.

Because everybody but Papa Joe knows that a Jessica Simpson pregnancy announcement is worth about as much as a left-handed handjob from Captain Hook, not one tabloid magazine farted up the $500,000 he wanted for an exclusive so bitch had to give that shit away for free. In news that's about as surprising as Kim Kardashian's staged marriage falling into a trapdoor opened by Pimp Mama Kris, Jessica posted the above picture on her website and then announced the news everybody has known for weeks.

"It's True! I am going to be a mummy!"

Jessica's poor child isn't even out of the womb yet and she's already embarrassing it. First, bitch tries to sell the news that it's moved into her uterus and comes up with nothing. Then she delivers the BIG DUH for free on the same day Kim Kardashian's divorce shit is being spread all over the media. And finally, she announces it while looking like a flock of birds made several nests in her weave after she got tangled up in my old nursery curtains.

That fetus is holding its face in shame and won't let go until it turns 18. How is Papa Joe going to sell the baby pictures if Jessica's baby refuses to remove its hand from its face? Papa Joe's plans foiled again. I think I love Jessica's baby already.

Jessica Simpson took the growing SHHH! baby in her uterus for a walk in NYC today and I guess we're going to keep doing this until she's sitting in front of TLC's cameras saying that she had no idea babies grow inside human bodies, because she learned in her favorite baby picture book by Ann Geddes that newborns grow in terracotta pots and you buy them at a flower nursery. But while Jessica lets her papoose pouch speak for itself, her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo did shit the old fashioned way by actually announcing his wife's pregnancy with words. UsWeekly says that at an anti-drug rally at some high school in Texas today, Tony told the kids that his peen shot the mighty sperm that busted a fetus in the gut of Chace Crawford's sister. Yes, Tony put it just like that.

"I actually have one on the way. My wife is pregnant."

And with that, you better stock up on bottled water and board up all your windows like it's the sequel to Hurricane Irene. Because any minute now a white blond lightning bolt of visible farts and tragic desperation will shoot through the streets screeching, "AH'S WAS IN THE FAMILY WAY FIRST! AH'S WAS IN THE FAMILY WAY FIRST!"

Papa Joe's attempt to whore out his unborn grandchild in a pregnancy announcement spread in a weekly tabloid for half a million dollars is failing harder than his attempt to convince Jessica Simpson that he's a board-certified pregnant tits masseuse. The first thorn in his plan was shoved in by OK! Magazine whose cover this week makes it look like Jessica opened up her mouth and told them personally that she's farting for two nowadays (but the "confirmation" comes from some unnamed source). The second thorn in Papa Joe's plan was shoved in by Jessica herself when she strut through JFK yesterday with a Spanx tank top full of FETUS!!!!

There goes that $500,000.....

Jessica's knocked the hell up state is about as obvious as the fact that Ashlee Simpson looks like Pete Doherty trying to shapeshift into Owen Wilson. Either Jessica's womb is full of Arby's future customer of the year, or a toddler got a little barbecue sauce on his leg during a family reunion and she sort of kind of ate him whole. They're just waiting for the toddler to pass through Jessica's digestive system before falling out the other end. Now that is an announcement worth $500,00!

If hos think Beyonce is wearing a pillow baby then they must think that Jessica Simpson is wearing a California King mattress baby, because she looks like she's carrying a fetus that is about the size of that baby sitting on the table. (Sidenote: Your suspicions are correct. That's fear bleeding through that baby's eyes and he's hoping Jessica Simpson doesn't smell the banana baby food on his breath. She'll mistake him for a bananas fosters dumpling and swallow him whole. It's happened before.) But Papa Joe seems to think in his Christian pimp head of his that the news EVERYONE already knows is worth some cheese (not that kind of cheese, Jessica, put your ladle away) and he wants the tabloids to drop it in his lap. Page Six put it like this:

Sources told Page Six that Simpson, with the help of her father/manager, Joe Simpson, refused to say she is expecting until she had a deal in place. The the singer/fashion designer and mentor on NBC’s “Fashion Star” had been shopping a deal to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos. We’re told the Simpsons were asking up to $500,000 to close the deal.

And Jessica has been hiding an obvious bump in recent photos to keep showbiz’s worst kept secret. Last night OK! posted the cover story, “Yes, I’m Having A Baby.”

Papa Joe needs to slap himself straight to church if he thinks Jessica's stupid pregnancy announcement is worth half a million dollars. That heffalump heffa's obvious news isn't even worth 500 Chuck E. Cheese tokens (which can be traded in for a pizza slice). During her Newlyweds days, she might have gotten $500 and a box of titty cream for Nick, but not today. Bitch is a glorified cobbler who can't even cobble!

The questions "How is babby formed?" and "Wich whole duz babeh cum out of?" might hit Jessica Simpson's Twitter page any day now, because InTouch Weekly says that the permanent food baby in her belly has magically transformed into an actual human baby. BLIND ITEM SOLVED (maybe)!

Jessica and her rent-to-own piece Eric Johnson were supposed to get married last summer, but they pushed that shit back to November after she successfully fell for the oldest trick in the gold digging book. Eric told Jessica that he had to poke holes in the condom or else his dick would suffocate. SUCCESS!

The source said this about the baby that will hopefully defy the odds by being born with at least 3 brain cells (that's 2.95 more brain cells that its parents have combined):

“She’s already having kooky cravings!” a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — “which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet” — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.

Now, despite the fact that there will be one more “guest” (and that “Jessica might have to take out her dress a bit”), their plans to marry in November haven’t changed.

While it’s true that not everyone would consider the timing ideal, the friend says the couple considers the baby to be “the best wedding gift ever.” Luckily, she’s not due ’til spring, leaving them just enough time to be newlyweds before new parents.

How is Jessica eating melted Snickers soup with a Doritos crouton on top any different than what goes down her food hole on a daily basis?

And as Papa Joe makes himself a giant breast pump costume in the basement, Vanessa Manilafolders is trolling the streets of Manila looking for a Filipino orphan baby with a huge rack and a woodchuck face who could pass as her and Nick Lachey's child. Jessica is NOT going to beat Vanessa to a very special "Ahs Finally Have The Baby Of My Dreams!" cover of Life & Style. Even if Vanessa has to slather grape jelly on that Filipino orphan, shove it up her twat and then push it out in front of the paparazzi, Jessica is not going to win ever!

This picture is for those of you who miss the days when Nicole Richie was skanky fat and when Jessica Simpson wore three different kinds of species on top of her head (bangs by alpaca, top weave by afghan hound and bottom weave by human).

Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson are both mentors/judges on a new Project Runaway wannabe reality show called Fashion Star and apparently they LOATHE (copyright: Our Lady of Perpetual Hydrangea Hate) each other. A source tells UsWeekly that as soon as the red light on the cameras go off, so does their knowledge that each other exists. There's more friction on the set than there is in Jessica Simpson's thigh zone.

The source said this is what Nicole thinks of Jessica:

"[Nicole] thinks Jessica doesn't have much of a high-fashion eye and makes snarky comments about Jessica's outfits."

This is what Jessica thinks of Nicole:

"[Jessica] really doesn't care what Nicole thinks. Nicole may know trends, but Jessica believes she know how to make clothes for all kinds of women."

This is what most of us think of the both of them: BOOOOOOOOOO!

I didn't like Nicole when she was in cahoots with the enemy (wonk up your eye and pick a crustacean out of your crotch if you need a clue as to who I'm talking about), but I don't mind her now. Nicole makes funny jokes and she doesn't seem to take herself too seriously. But during that mess Access Hollywood the other day, Billy Bush referred to her as a fashion icon. I know that Billy Bush's brains are powered by the same shit that powered Jill the Talking Doll, but FASHION ICON?! Copying everything in Mrs. Roper's wardrobe closet does not a fashion icon make. As for Jessica Simpson's ass....

Jessica is lucky that Papa Joe set her up with the right people who transformed the KFC chicken crumbs called her career into a $1 billion fashion empire.

Both of these hos need to take a nap and wake up if they think they're authorities on fashion. Richard Simmons, they are not!

When Papa Joe prayed for Jessica Simpson to put her lips on an overpriced orange leather bag, he was referring to himself and not a $15,000 Hermes Birkin bag. (Bitch should've been more specific.) On Jessica Simpson's 31st barday, her leased whore and fiance Eric Johnson gifted her with a big orange leather bag that she puckered up to just as her ass lips puckered out a wet orange air kiss (she's dehydrated) into her chonies. Blame the morning beer.

Yes, Eric should've really given Jessica a Hermes enema bag since that gross bitch is gassier than a pig in a cabbage patch, but the Birkin bag was still a sweet gift. You know what would've really made me AWWWWW in my warm place? If Eric Tweeted a picture of him kissing the black American Express card with Jessica's name on it that he used to buy her $15,000 gift. Even the Hermes salesperson made an AWWWW when Eric asked them if he could get cash back.

Source: JSimp's Twatter via USWeekly