98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what's the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, "EVERYTHING!" Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey's head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:
"The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don't have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore."
Okay, I'm interpreting that two ways:
1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn't allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other's parts on the down low.
2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick's ass while blessing the food.
I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that's the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I'm sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that's my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I'd take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.
I'm still confused, so I'm just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick's ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other....and now I'm disturbed.
Jessica and Asshole Simpson's mother Tina Simpson wasn't exactly shitting out rays of happiness when she found out that every time her husband of 35 years Papa Joe said he was going to bible study to get on his knees and pray to the lord, he was actually going to some studio apartment in the valley to get on his knees and worship some twink dick. Right after Tina Simpson found out that Papa Joe's tongue regularly frolicked on the hairless ass cheeks of 20-something blond boys, she almost jumped from the edge and wanted to take him with her. That's what Radar says anyway.
Tina allegedly wrote a suicide note saying that she was so angry that she wanted to shoot Papa Joe before shooting herself. Tina left the note inside of her house in Encino, CA, Papa Joe found it and immediately gave it to his lawyers to use it against her in their divorce war. How nice of him! The source put it like this:
“Tina was so distraught when she found out about Joe’s secret gay affair, she immediately wrote a suicide note. It was fairly detailed and she said she wanted to shoot herself for what Joe had done to their 35-year marriage. Worse still, Tina wanted to shoot Joe as well. She was just so angry with him. But, instead of killing herself, Tina headed straight to a New York hotel to confront Joe about Bryce Chandler Hill. However, when Joe returned to the Encino home in Los Angeles they shared, he found the note, made a copy and gave it to his divorce lawyer as a bargaining tool for the settlement.
Tina eventually offered Joe half of the family fortune. An offer of a 50 percent split of everything under the Simpson name has been offered to Joe. That includes the coveted Jessica Simpson Collection, which Joe desperately wanted because that’s the real cash cow.”
Threatening to pull some murder/suicide shit is never a good idea, but if you found out that your husband was now dressing like the member of a failed 90s boy band that only played the county fair circuit (see: pictures from March below), you too might lose the sanest part of your mind. But Tina should really be relieved. Because she probably thought that Papa Joe was a creepy, sucio perv who wanted to motorboat his daughters, but it turns out he was just a cheating bastard who wants to motoroboat twink ass. Yeah, he lied to Tina Simpson all those years, but at least she knows he doesn't want to do their daughters. There's a bright side for everything!
And the lives of twink gold diggers and the makers of highlighting caps will be made if Papa Joe really does get half of the Simpson family fortune.
A knocked up Jessica Simpson was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote that Fashion Dirt Star show and to also burp up about how she's got a permanent case of the baby and still can't believe that barebacking your man until he shoots dick sauce all over your eggs ("Isn't that how they make Eggs Benedict?" - Jessica Simpson) makes a baby. Jessica still doesn't know that doing a dude raw dog style can lead to pregnancy and nobody's going to tell her, because more babies equals more MONAY for Eric Whatshisname and because Papa Joe really loves dressing up in a stork costume to sing "Look Out For Mr. Stork" to her on her due date.
After Chestica aw shucks'd about how she can't stop making babies, she "accidentally" let it slip that she's having a dude baby and the moment was completely natural and not-at-all staged. As Papa Joe pulled his fingers out of his twink toy's butt so that he could cross them while wishing for Jessica to land the joke he paid writers to write for her, she said this:
"Yeah, I've been vomiting. The crazy thing is that I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous. Oh shucks! Well I guess told the world that I'm having a boy! I just did it so crude, too. I feel awful. I talked about wieners!"
Yes, this bitch said, "Oh shucks!" It's nice to see that the writers of Hee Haw are still getting paid to write jokes. The funny thing is, Chestica's ass is so damn fertile that when she said the word "wiener" a second time, her third baby started forming in her womb. But Jessica should've saved her pre-planned joke, because we already know that she's having a wiener baby and we already know that she's naming him Champion Penis.
And speaking of wieners that give you the barfs, here's Papa Joe with a twink in tow leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live last night. Papa Joe really needs to get him a twink who will tell him that looking like the least popular member of a late 80s boy band who just can't let go of the glory days IS not the look.
Jessica Simpson's body doesn't look like it's storing a SeaWorld tank of amniotic fluid in it, so that means she's got a long ass way to go before she births out her surprise baby. But a source tells UsWeekly that Jessica and her bought and paid for piece Eric Johnson have already burped up the perfect name for their second kid. No, Jessica isn't naming her kid Buttered Pop Tart Johnson or Whoops Johnson. Jessica and Eric are giving their kid an even better name. The name they're writing on the birf certificate is:
The source says that Eric and Jessica are going around telling people that they're going to name their baby friend Ace Johnson. Ace Johnson sounds like the name of a frat boy at a community college who had dreams of becoming the most successful day trader in the Northern Orange County area, but ended up becoming a bar back at a sports bar before eventually getting a job as a driver on Bang Bus. Ace Johnson smells like Irish Spring, Abercrombie cologne and AXE hair paste. Ace Johnson uses his full name as his Xbox Live username, because his name is just that awesome.
When I translate Ace Johnson from bro talk to English in Google translation, it gives me the phrase "champion penis." Jessica Simpson has really outdone herself this time.
And here's Jessica with Baby Maxwell outside of a Mexican restaurant in Burbank a couple of days ago (yes, this is why a burrito shortage was issued in the Southern California area).
During her last pregnancy, Jessica Simpson broke every copy of Elle's Photoshop when she posed nekkid ass nekkid and talked non-stop about how she couldn't get enough of Eric Johnson sticking his gold digging peen up into her amniotic fluid ocean. And now we're doing it all over again. Chestica tweeted this picture of her making third degree duckface while showing off the skin globe where her second baby is growing. Since Jessica and Eric are horniest when she's knocked up, I don't even want to think of the things they're doing with her deep ass belly button. Let's not go to that place. It's way too late in the year for that shit.
And judging by her last pregnancy, I'm guessing she's about 10 days knocked up here. Only 545 days to go!
With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she's going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW's being all up in her face about it. "FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!" - Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision.
From Yahoo! News:
"It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell," Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday.
I say if you're Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby's curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they're pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor's instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she's only quitting FOR NOW.
And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann's boxes.
Bitches can stop throwing Jessica Simpson a "GUUURRRRRL, you just swallowed three lifetimes of Weight Watchers points" side-eye when she puts her mouth around a Pop-Tarts and three sticks of butter sandwich, because she's eating buttered Pop-Tarts for two now. Jessica tweeted this picture of Baby Maxwell this morning and it's her way of letting everyone know that she'll be birfing out her second baby in about 98 weeks or so. My hungover eyes saw this pic and thought the words read "BIG TITS." That makes sense too since the last time Chestica got knocked up, her chichis grew to the size of Papa Joe's bulging eyeballs when he sees a hairless, blonde twink sashaying by.
About a month ago, UsWeekly put a No Vacancy sign over Jessica's uterus when they said that she came down with another case of the babies just a few months after she gave birth to Baby Maxwell. Then Weight Watchers threw a mountain of money at her, she lost 50 pounds and then said, "Fuckit, losing weight is overrated, I'm hongray!"
Weight Watchers didn't miss a second and tweeted some words for Chestica:
Congrats to @JessicaSimpson, Eric and big-sister-to-be Maxwell! Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you've had!
Translation: "Um, here's the receipt, can we go our moneys back?"
But really, congratulations to Chestica, Whatshisname and the makers of Pop-Tarts who will have another record-breaking year!
The last puddle on the streets of Los Angeles from the last great amniotic fluid flood that was Jessica Simpson's birth hasn't even dried up, but she might already be knocked up with her second kid. It was just seven months ago when Maxwell Drew rode her tricycle out of Chestica's coochie after being up in there for approximately 26 trimesters and now a source tells UsWeekly that another fetus moved into her womb 9 weeks ago. Well, I guess that's one way to get out of your Weight Watchers contract.
Jessica's rep hasn't opened their mouth about this yet, but they can take the day off, because some source is spilling all the details for them. The source says that this is one of those whoops-a-babies (Side note: "Whoops-a-babies" sounds like Kate Gosselin's favorite sport.) and Jessica and Whateverhisnameis didn't exactly plan to have another kid so soon after the first. But that's the funny thing about making babies. Sometimes when you take bare loads to the ovaries, a baby happens! This is Jessica's cue to start screaming at nature for lying to her by saying that you can't make a baby if you're squirting leche from your nipple knobs. Jessica found out the real way that sometimes breastfeeding isn't nature's birth control.
So this is why when I went to El Pollo Loco last night to order their entire stock of chocolate nachos, the lady at the window told me that a screeching tornado of blond hair came through and picked up every last delicious chocolate tortilla chip. Damn you, Jessica. Another 7 months of hos telling me that they're all out of chocolate nachos.
This is good news for so many reasons. Whateverhisname just won another 18 years of not working. Hostess gets to stay in business now. And thanks to Jessica blabbing about the joys of pregnancy sex over and over again, Papa Joe can frolic on all the twink butt he wants without nosy tabloid reporters sniffing up his ass. ("But I like it when they sniff up my ass." - Papa Joe)
Jessica Simpson somehow found the strength to pull herself out of the fetal position she curled into the second she found out Hostess was dead (or not) and she put on an oh-so-brave face to sign autographs with her sister Ashlee Simpson at an event for her shoe collection at Dillard's in Tampa, FL on Saturday afternoon. UsWeekly says that Jessica has lost around 60 pounds of chunk ever since Weight Watchers waved a multi-million dollar check at her face and I'm guessing that about 5 of those pounds were lost after she cut her feet off! Bitch, your jeans ate your toes.
I know some shorties wear shoe-covering boot cut jeans to make themselves look taller, but I don't get how not having VF (visible feets) makes a ho look taller. It just makes Jessica Simpson look she's got toe-less hooves. I feel like she should be shaking a plastic tub full of coins while singing, "I have no feets."
The chunk just keeps melting off of Jessica Simpson (and no, I'm not going to say that Papa Joe is using her melted chunk for butt lube. I'm not going to....) and she showed off her new multi-million dollar Weight Watchers body by dressing up as a Scottish wench for Halloween. This is the hottest Chestica has looked in centuries and I'm not only saying that because her chichi balls are bigger than that baby's body. I'm only saying that, because she looks like a replica of Drag Race Willam in the face.
Jessica dressed her daughter up as a rooster (or maybe she's a shower puff) and her fiance, who her family refers to as "Oh, You're Still Here," dressed up as Braveheart Mel Gibson. Since he's Mel Gibson for Halloween, I'm guessing he's going to take it all the way by screaming at Jessica to blow him before Jacuzzi. They'll eventually compromise by slathering strawberry Fluff on his peen. Peen and Fluff is only 2 Weight Watchers points. I checked.
And when Whatshisname is done with that wig, he needs to give it to Papa Joe. Anything is better than the bleached mid-life crisis that's on Papa Joe's head right now.