Who cares if the name "Elena Lenina" makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah's does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu's home planet. If this is Elena's way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it's totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy's heart is through his butt.
I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah's already got the lube.
And here's some others at tonight's premiere who obviously didn't get the memo that the theme of the night was "sex toy hair." In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.
If your eyeballs haven't turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker's crotch ("I haven't even stared at the Crotch of Sauron" - Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night's theme of "punk" and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse's idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they'll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.
And here's pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn't try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn't try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn't try), JLo (didn't try, should've been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters.
Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she'd like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she'd like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White's rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her "this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn't come out" face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she's once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.
GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).
And here's Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.
The MTV Movie Awards should've been called The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Trailer Event (featuring the MTV Movie Awards), because that trailer is the only reason why most bitches sat through that crusty skid mark of a fake awards show. Jennifer Lawrence couldn't be bothered to show up to the MTV Movie Awards last night, so Miley Cyrus' future ex fiance is the one who introduced the trailer which featured Donald Sutherland's luscious eyebrows, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Woody Harrelson's middle part weave and a bunch of sad hos looking grey-faced, miserable and dead inside (aka me while waiting in line at the post office today. Happy Tax Day!).
And on Halloween last year, I saw so many people wearing a broke down, busted Effie Trinket costume. So when I saw Effie Trinket's purple dress in the trailer, I just knew that this Halloween I'm going to see a lot of broke Effie wannabes wearing a dress made of purple-dyed coffee filters.
Since Justin Timberlake viciously murdered his luscious ringlets with a flat iron and some straightening balm, somebody has to proudly work a head full of tight curls. Enter Bradley Cooper's ass. Here's B. Coop looking hot while walking with Jennifer Lawrence to the set of David O. Russell's new movie in Boston today. Everything about this look works from that manicured beard to that open shirt to that thick layer of bronzer on his skin to his freshly permed hair which makes his head looks like it's covered in a field of snail shells. B. Coop looks like a 70s porn producer/pimp who sleeps on a waterbed covered in tiger print satin sheets and dips his nuts in Spanish Fly oil. Swoon.
This might be the first time B. Coop has ever done things to me, so yes, I'd hit it. And I'd really hit it if B. Coop matched the carpet to the drapes by perming his pubes.
Jennifer Lawrence's face became the new face of Dior recently and in her first ads for Dior purses, they gave her the regular old Photoshop treatment they give everybody. Jennifer Lawrence looks like Jennifer Lawrence if they filled her pores with spackle, sanded her down completely, put several coats of thick primer on her, poured liquid porcelain clay on her, fired her up in a kiln for a few minutes and then let her cool off before covering her in baby powder.
The humanized animatronic teddy bear of Access Hollywood that is Billy Bush showed Jennifer Lawrence her pictures for Dior at the Oscars on Sunday and she let it be known that shit was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. Jennifer then said that she loves Photoshop so much that she just wants to dry it up, stick in her bong and smoke it after downing a bottle of red wine. Jennifer Lawrence said this:
"That doesn't look like me at all. I love Photoshop more than anything in the world. Of course that's Photoshop. People don't look like that."
That's not what Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say! Who the hell trained her ass? Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say that they only used a little bit of makeup on her and they shot her in natural light and she pretty much looks like that in person. Mimi is about to slap a bitch, because Jennifer Lawrence is unveiling her secrets!
While Anne Hathaway dresses up her Oscar in a tiny tuxedo to recreate Fred and Ginger's greatest dance scenes on the custom-made stage she had built where her kitchen used to be ("Who needs food, dahling, the thea-tuh is my protein!" - Anne Hathaway), Jennifer Lawrence is getting intimate with my husband, red wine, and my side piece, a joint, in Hawaii.
Jennifer Lawrence is in Hawaii to either reshoot scenes for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (and taste the local good shit) or she's in Hawaii to just taste the local good shit. While she's doing that, a metal artisan is hollowing out her Oscar and turning it into a bong. This will be the greatest use for an Oscar until Tommy Girl wins one and has it turned into a...you know the rest.
The guy all of us paid to grease the steps before Anne Hathaway's win needs to give us our money back, because dude has shit timing.
If you're reading this, then you obviously survived through the 17 hour-long circle jerk and song and dance marathon that was the Tonys disguised as the Oscars. That mess was just a whole lot of weirdness from start to finish. Hospital emergency rooms filled up with people thinking they somehow overdosed on acid, because that's the only way they could explain the fuckery hitting their TV screens. But anyway, somewhere between me grossing myself out by mumbling to myself "I would" while staring at Seth MacFarlane's Peter Brady action figure face to Michelle Obama announcing the winner for Best Picture (?????), Jennifer Lawrence unsurprisingly won Best Actress for shouting a lot in that Silver Linings Playbook movie.
When she went up to accept her golden dildo trophy, she tripped, fell and nearly busted her face. Some people laughed, some of us screamed, "IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU, HATHAWAY," and Fist Brown raised both his hands while saying, "It wasn't me." Everybody stood up for the girl who fell and Jennifer Lawrence made a joke about it, but it's not surprising that her ass fell.
Homegirl had at least three princess canopy beds strapped to her body. Her dress was huge. Every time the camera panned to her in the front row of the audience, all you saw was her face and her big ass dress swallowing everyone around her. Bradley Cooper's hot mom (who stomped on all the hos in her metallic BKs) sat next to Jennifer Lawrence and she probably couldn't see shit, because she had a giant balloon of pink ass fabric blocking her view. If B.Coop can't find his mom this morning, he shouldn't file a missing persons report. He should just check under Jennifer Lawrence's dress, because I'm sure his mom is trapped underneath there.
And here's B. Coop, his mom and Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars and Vanity Fair's post-Oscars party. Personally, I don't think Jennifer Lawrence deserved to win, but I'm glad she did, because she flipped everybody off in the press room.
The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey's rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:
"I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!"
Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn't honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman's piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron's body in The Paperboy.
The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here's the list of winners:
Best Feature - Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film - Amour
Best Female Lead Performance - Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance - John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography - Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary - The Invisible War
And here's a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.
Not since Mrs. Slocombe has a British goddess worked a glorious cotton candy mop like this. At the BAFTAs in London tonight, hos of all ages dropped to their knees when Dame Helen Mirren twirled onto the red carpet like the magical nymph she is. Helen Mirren didn't care that the rain drops were threatening to wash away the strawberry Kool-Aid hair dye from her locks. Helen laughed at the rain, twirled, laughed at the rain, posed and then twirled again. Helen is just at the BAFTAs to get drunk on free champagne, make out with her husband in the hallway and dance in the aisles during the commercial breaks. Helen Mirren is like a human ecstasy pill. If I licked her, I'd probably get a sudden craving for orange juice and glow sticks.
“I saw it on America’s Next Top Model, so I decided to have a go. I know I won’t win tonight, but I’m going to have lots of fun and celebrate anyway.”
SPOILER ALERT: Helen Mirren didn't win tonight (Emmanuel Riva did!), but I'm sure she just twirled in the audience as Paloma Faith, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence watched and secretly wished they could be a 1/100th as hot as she is.
And take cover, because the ego balloon on Tyra Banks' head is going to expand and blow up after she hears that Helen Mirren is taking beauty tips from her.