Jamie Bell

"Sorry to disappoint. But no baby on the way here" is what 25-year-old Evan Rachel Wood tweeted back in November after the paparazzi took pictures (see below) of her looking like a fetus just moved it and all of its things into her uterus. But a fetus was squatting in her womb at the time and apparently Evan Rachel Wood didn't know it. ERW said on Twitter (via People) today that she and her husband Jamie Bell will have a human ball of slobber in their arms in a few months.

Remember when i said, "No baby on the way here" Well, I didnt know there actually was! pic.twitter.com/wnig1nRK Thanks for all your warm wishes. We are very happy. I'm gonna be a mama!

That baby is going to the biggest hipster baby who ever hipstere'd. They will name it Quadrophenia Kale Wood Bell and its cries will sound like a Melody's Echo Chamber song and it will wear floral culottes, ironically.

I know Evan Rachel Wood is married to Billy Elliot and is now knocked up, but I still look at her name and instantly think to myself, "Gurrrl, you fucked Marilyn Manson."

It seems like it was five seconds ago when Evan Rachel Wood was making all of our body pores barf out liquid ewww by trying to becoming Dita Von Teese 2.0 while boning Marilyn Manson, and it was really only ten seconds ago when Jamie Bell was twirling and jete-ing as Billy Elliot. Now they're both all grown up and marrying each other! "Hello, OLD AGE, yeah, it's me, Michael K. So Billy Elliot just got married. Yeah, that means I'm coming to visit you any minute now. The key's under the mat? Great."

Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell apparently got engaged to each other last December and her rep tells UsWeekly that she became Mrs. Billy Elliot in California yesterday. Evan wore a dress by Carolina Herrera and Billy Elliot wore a leotard tuxedo with ballet slippers. They promised to love, cherish and not viciously murder look-alikes of each other in a music video. Evan and Billy Elliot started bumping nipples in 2006 after shooting a Green Day video together. Then they broke up in 2007 and  got back together last year.

Only celebrities and bitches who want to save money on their wedding reception venue get married on a weekday. These bitches got married on a damn Tuesday. The easiest way to piss off one of my relatives is to get married or throw a party on a day that isn't a Friday or a Saturday. They'll have a stank look on their face the entire night and won't congratulate your inconsiderate ass. They'll be too busy being mad at the fact that they can't get to the final level of drunk on free beer, because they have to work in the morning.

11 years ago you were screaming "Dance, Billy, dance!" at Jamie Bell as Billy Elliot, and now suddenly you're screaming "Flick, Billy, flick!" at an all grown up Jamie Bell. 25-year-old Jamie, who is twirling his tongue on Evan Rachel Wood nowadays, was asked by British GQ what he thinks is a skill every man should put on his resume. If you can't see Jamie as anything other than a boy child who can dazzle any dancefloor with the shards of magic that shoot off of his toes when he dances, then you'll want to cover your eyes and think of white tutus. Because Jamie leaped through puberty and gets the hornies all the time now. Spread your legs, grab onto Jamie's handlebars ears and get some of this:

What's the best way to impress a woman?
Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let's cut to the primal - be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what's going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
What's the best penis I've ever seen?

No! Actually, what is the best penis you've ever seen?
[Collapses into laughter] That is a good question. The best piece of advice I ever received was "Don't fuck your publicist." Russell Crowe told me that. It's probably a smart move. [Both of his publicists are now in the room, attempting to bring the interview to a close] No! It's GQ!

What skill should every man have?
Skill? You know what I'm going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.

You do realise you've got another publicist standing right behind you?
I don't care. A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.

"In The Vaginal Area" really needs to be the title of Jamie's memoirs.

Jamie should've just tattooed FIRE-MAKING HETERO on his forehead for those out there who didn't get the point that he's a pussy-eating heterosexual man who crushes beer cans on his forehead when he's not taming the clit or making a fire. Jamie is so hetero that sometimes he crushes a beer can on his forehead while taming the clit and making a fire at the same time. We get it, Jamie. You've traded in pirouettes for pussy.

Jamie is right, though. I can only love a man if he knows how to eat a pussy. If he flinches when I scream, "YES! Eat that dick like a pussy!" at him, then I'm so not going to give him a good review on the customer satisfaction card he gives me afterward.

But really, isn't making a fire and orally pleasing a lady sort of the same thing. That's what it looks like in straight porn, anyway. The dude gets really close to the lady's coochie, handles it gently with his fingers at first and then rubs it really, really hard while blowing on it. I always wait for him to use a mirror to shine sunlight at her coochie so it starts to spark and he can finally make s'mores on it later.

The only part of cunnilingus that is not like making a fire is when the dude spits on her clitoris. I know I've said this before, but for why must he do this?! That is not sexy. Unless the clit is dull or he sees the face of Michael Lohan on it, he shouldn't spit at it! Have some common courtesy!