Jada Pinkett Smith
The prophet of Facebook, Jada Pinkett Smith, is always up for opening her mouth to talk about her marriage and she's already told everyone that Will and her are boning all the time. They bone until their fuck parts fall off, then they slap their fuck parts back on and keep on boning. So because Jada is all for talking about her marriage, HuffPo Live asked her about the rumor that she and Will are allowed to pass their genitals to who ever they want, whenever they want. Jada spit out a quick "no" and then she explained that Will can stick his dick in anything he wants as long as he can look himself in the mirror afterward. Jada said this shit:
"I think people get that idea, because Will and I are very relaxed with one another. You know, from how I've answered questions like, 'Girl, what would you do if he came home and this and that and that and being married to a big superstar like Will, how do you deal with other women"' I've always told Will, 'You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay.' Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man. I'm here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be and that's not for me to do for him. Or vice versa."
So what I'm getting from this is that Will Smith doesn't own a mirror and hasn't looked at one in years and he uses his iPhone camera to check to see if his forehead needs another visit from the Botox needle. Jada didn't say anything about looking at himself in his iPhone camera. And somewhere Tiger Woods is cursing at God for not making Jada Pinkett a straight white woman with blond hair. He would've married her so hard.
Here's Will and a Madame-fied Jada at the premiere of Free Angela and all Political Prisoners in NYC last night.
Jada Pinkett Smith took a little break from screaming at Willow to throw that math homework in the trash and sing, child, sing to sit down and write an open letter to the media and everyone else on Facebook (via HuffPo) about the "bullying" (buzz word, buzz word) of young celebrities. Jada Pinkett Smith did her best Chrissy Crocker impersonation and screamed at everyone to leave Justin Bieber, RiRi and Taylor Swift aloooooooooooooooone.
One of Scientology's down low disciples wants us all to remember when were Taylor Swift's age and we were innocently working with our PR team to perfectly craft a sellable image using the songs we wrote about our ex-boyfriends. Remember that?! Jada wants us to remember when we were Justin Bieber's age and were throwing tantrums in our weed smoke-filled dressing rooms while our parents sat in the mansion we bought, because they don't want to get jobs. Remember that?! Remember that while reading what Jada wrote:
This last week, I had to really evaluate the communication in regard to our young artists in the media. I was trying to differentiate cyber-bullying from how we attack and ridicule our young stars through media and social networks. It is as if we have forgotten what it means to be young or even how to behave like good ol' grown folk. Do we feel as though we can say and do what we please without demonstrating any responsibility simply because they are famous?
Is it okay to continually attack and criticize a famous 19 year old who is simply trying to build a life, exercise his talents while figuring out what manhood and fame is all about as he carries the weight of supporting his family as well as providing the paychecks to others who depend on him to work so they can feed their families as well? Does that render being called a cunt by an adult male photographer as you try to return to your hotel after leaving the the hospital? Or what about our nine year old beautiful Oscar nominee who was referred to as a cunt as well? Or what about being a young woman in her early twenties, exploring the intracacies of love and power on the world stage? And should we shame a young woman for displaying a sense of innocence as she navigates through the murky waters of love, heartbreak, and fame? Are these young people not allowed to be young, make mistakes, grow, and eventually transform a million times before our eyes? Are we asking them to defy the laws of nature because of who they are? Why can't we congratulate them for the capacity to work through their challenges on a world stage and still deliver products that keep them on top.
We all know how hard it is to keep our head above water, even in the privacy of our own homes let alone on the world stage. Imagine yourself, at their age, with the spotlights, challenges and responsibilities. Most of us would have fallen to the waste side before we could even get to a crashed Ferrari, a controversial romance, several heart breaks, or an Oscar nomination at NINE. We WISH we could have had the capacity to accomplish HALF of what they have accomplished along with ALL these challenges they face. But...maybe THAT'S the problem...we WISH we could have or even...we WISH we could.
Don't tell me what to do, Jada! You're not my mom! Stop eating my food! Get out of my house! I hate you!
But seriously, Jada also slapped down a friend in an open letter on Facebook, because the friend wasn't making her blended family work and she needs to WOMAN UP and stop coming between her man and her man's children with another woman. So my question is, when did Jada become the Dear Abby of Facebook even though nobody was asking for her advice? I liked Jada so much better when she was in that shitty metal band.
Here's Jada leaving her hotel with Willow a few weeks ago.
Seen here slithering around NYC yesterday, Jada Pinkett Smith recently told Essence Magazine that OH MY SHIT I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT COMMENTING ON THAT BITCH'S CHEEKS! It looks like she's got two silicone lollipop balls trapped in her face. Is Jada's plastic surgeon the reincarnation of Wayland Flowers? Even Chicken Cutlets is telling Jada to calm down, because it looks like she tore off Will Smith's nutsacks and is storing them in her cheeks. If this Jada's way of trying to get Will to show her some affection in public by licking her testicle cheeks, I'm sure it has already worked.
Cheeks should not look like balloons and I should have not the urge to Photoshop the old man from Up holding on to one of them:
Okay, enough about Jada's terrifying cheeks. Jada told Essence that her guilty pleasures are fries and pizza, but she normally just sees food as a way to power her body:
French fries, and pizza… together. If I could have French fries and pizza every day I would really live off that. My real diet though, well, I don’t eat for pleasure. I probably had the only West Indian grandmother that could not cook. [Laughs] She was an awful cook, and she taught me that you don’t eat for taste, you eat for nourishment. And I have kept that over the years, so I can eat anything that’s healthy. I eat for my schedule so I have to eat high-protein, lots of greens and healthy carbs so that I don’t fall flat on my face.
Well, the good news is that if Jada ever falls flat on her face, her beach ball cheeks will bounce off the floor and put her back on her feet.
There's a now a valid reason for why Jada looks like a lizard. It's because she is a damn lizard! Bitch has the taste buds of a lizard and when she gets hungry, she just goes into the backyard to catch flies and lick on plants.
And after hearing that his wife said "I don't eat for pleasure," Will stopped eating between a pair of succulent man nalgas to say, "Huh?"
Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl's Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy's panties!
Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I'd wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that's what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.
But Taylor wasn't the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):
I don't know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.
You might have had this rumor whispered into your eyes before since it's older than Jada Pinkett-Smith's favorite strap-on in her box of toys, but it made its way onto the cover of Star Magazine this week. Duane Martin, Tisha Campbell-Martin's husband, and Will Smith have been best bro friends for a million years and some say that they're so close that Duane's thighs have brushed up against Will's ears more than once. Star's source says that Will is spending so much time with Duane that it's making Jada lift her head up off of her side piece's crotch to reach for the divorce papers. Uh huh.
Duane and Will have gone on vacations to Miami, Trinidad and Las Vegas together, and another source basically said that if you want to know what Duane's ass smells like, just ask Will to breathe in your face. The source put it like this (via HSK):
"Jada can’t stand Will’s relationship with Duane. She feels like Will flaunts it in her face, hanging out with him every day and taking him on exotic vacations while she’s sitting home alone.
Will and Jada’s marriage is completely fractured, and it’s only getting worse as Will spends more time away with Duane. I don’t know how much longer they can live this way. It’s only a matter of time until one of them makes the split official and files for divorce.”
HO, PLEASE. Any Scientology minister will tell you that the secret to a long-lasting marriage is to close your nostrils to the scent of wet butt sex coming from your husband's bedroom and vice versa. That is why I think the world will get a sequel to Woo (please let there be a sequel to Woo) before these two bitches get divorced. Will can frolic over yonder with Duane, Jada can frolic over yonder with her piece and when they need the publicity they'll frolic in front of the cameras together like one big happy married heterosexual couple. It's the perfect marriage. If the beard doesn't itch, why shave it off?
BREAKING NEWS: Jada Pinkett Smith had a TV show on TNT called HawthoRNe.
BREAKING NEWS after the BREAKING NEWS from 3 seconds ago: Jada Pinkett Smith no longer has a TV show on TNT called HawthoRNe.
Just days after both Jada Pinkett Smith and Skeletor denied they were licking each other taints in their trailers, TNT announced that HawthoRNe (I can't with that RN shit) has flatlined after three seasons and they aren't reaching for the defibrillator pads.
"TNT truly appreciates the tremendous dedication of everyone involved. The series gave TNT the opportunity to work with many outstanding people, including Jada Pinkett Smith and the rest of the show’s talented cast, crew, producers and writers. We wish everyone involved with HawthoRNe nothing but the best.”
Cut to Xenu playing a victory song on JLo's double bongo ass as she holds up HawthoRN's severed head and cackles. No. I know what happened here. Jada Pinkett Smith knew she had to lose her show or go through another season with hos whispering about how she's screwing the zombie dust out of Skeletor's pinche culito hole. Bitch made the right choice.
And when asked for a comment, Xenu only had this to say:
Seen here in the glory days before Scientology audits and strap-on exhaustion got the best of 'em, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith denied that they're whippin' divorce papers back and forth by letting out a statement that said their marriage is still "intact." Will and Jada's spokeswhore finally burped out that denial after spending the entire day saying that she does not comment on their personal lives. Blah. Blah. Blah. I kind of cocked (heh, cocked) my head to the side like my dog when I wave a bacon Post-It at his face over Will and Jada's PR ho using the word "intact." So clinical. It sounds like a word my free clinic nurse practitioner would use after poking at my no-no with a tree branch and beating it with palm leaves before trying to cleanse it with beekeeper smoke. He pulls off his gas mask, the priest pulls the holy water-marinated contact lenses out of his eyes and then he gives me a thumbs up when he says, "INTACT!"
That's how the word intact should be used. But wait! TMZ says there's a good reason for why they worded their denial like that. Dun dun dun.
A source tells TMZ that their publicist spent the entire day trying to carefully word the statement, because things are not exactly cotton candy queefs and rainbow cum shots. The source claims that Will and Jada's marriage is in trouble and they're trying to fix it. They're all going away as a family soon and it could be one of those "Band-Aid" trips.
THANK XENU! The earth can stop shaking now. Will and Jada are not getting divorced. Will and Jada might sue InTouch. Will did not weep after walking in on Jada using Skeletor's skinny ass as a human strap-on to fuck her side piece with (because I refuse to believe they would ever fuck). All is well in the world again. I'm glad that Will and Jada have decided that it's best they stay together for the sake of their children's careers.
Everything that needs to be said is being said in that picture above, but I'll say it in anyway. InTouch is hearing from some "insider" that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have both skipped into a barber shop together and shaved the beard off of their faces:
After 13 years of marriage, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have decided to separate, an insider tells In Touch Weekly exclusively. They have two children, Jaden and Willow, together. And Jada is stepmother to Will's son, Trey, from a previous marriage.
When TMZ asked Will and Jada's rep, Karynne Tencer, to either give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to this shit, she didn't even try to give half of a fuck about it.
"What? In Touch said that? I know nothing about this ... Lord. I'm going back to bed."
Karynne says almost the exact same thing every time she accidentally walks into a room and catches Jada wielding a mighty strap-on attached to some genitals that are not attached to Will Smith. But seriously, I won't believe this until I see Will carrying a box full of Xenu-shaped dildos out of the Scientology rec room. Will and Jada are stuck together like Tommy Girl's mouth on a David Beckham poster. (Seriously, the Scientology slaves have to threaten to spray Tommy with a hose full of liquid anti-depressants if he doesn't take his mouth off of it. It's a gross scene).
I find it hard to believe that Will & Jada would skip away from their infinite cycle mansion and more importantly, skip away from all the attention they get for being a happy couple who can't stop fucking each other. If there's no hope for Will & Jada, then there's no hope for Tommy & Katie or Kelly & John Travolta. This is a direct threat to the art of bearding. I'm going back to bed too.
UPDATE: Will's son Trey went on Twitter to say, "Will and Jada getting a DIVORCE ..NOT TRUE AT ALL !! RETWEET."
Will and Jada's rep finally got out of bed and only said that the rumor about her crotch doing the limbo under Skeletor's wrist dick is not true, "All the rumors regarding Marc Anthony and Jada are false. Completely untrue. As for [the reports of a split between] Will and Jada, I'm not commenting on their personal life."
UPDATE II: Will and Jada finally issued this shit: "Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact." Translation: Contract negotiations were successful!
In the new issue of Architectural Digest, The Smith Family gave the magazine a tour of their 25,000 square foot mega mansion in Malibu that they built from the ground up. To put things into perspective, my apartment is probably the size of one of the bathroom tiles in the powder room that they'll never ever piss in because they've got 10 of them!
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith tell AD (via Daily Mail) that mostly everything in the house was made by human hands and comes from all over the world. Will and Jada are into that OM shit, so she says they kept that in mind when designing the 9" burrito dick of houses.
"For Will and me this home was always a spiritual endeavor.
We’re very earthy, organic people. We wanted to create a family retreat, something made by hand and as natural as possible, something that ties back to the land. Whatever it becomes, the craftsmanship will always represent our union and the love of our family."
Will then said that they designed the house with "no dead ends… to create an infinite cycle that represented what Jada and I hoped for our love." Kind of like the infinite cycle of vomit that's about to pour out of my mouth hole after reading that mess of a quote? Okay, I get it.
Will and Jada obviously love living in a gigantic mansion that looks like one of the nicer Radissons, so I won't get on them at how my ass cheeks are sweating from the chair overload in their front hallway alone. Seriously, that shit almost looks like an indoor park. If I walked by and saw two strange old men with Styrofoam cups of coffee playing chess, I wouldn't even blink. I also wouldn't even blink if a colony of possums from the north wing passed by me while going to the south wing for winter. Even Jada and Will wouldn't notice.
This is the real secret to their long-lasting marriage. Jada and Will are always going on about how they keep their marriage hot by fucking each other's holes all over the place. Bitches, please.
The truth is their marriage has lasted so long, because they never see each other! It's too much work. When Will wants to visit Jada in her private suite at the opposite end of their compound, he needs a GPS system, three sets of fully charged batteries, a golf cart, a space blanket and a guide with a donkey to get there. It's easier just to send that bitch a postcard via Pony Express.