I Can't With Myself
In my post about the death of Roger Ebert today, my stupid brain forget to mention one of the greatest achievements of his career: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls! Roger Ebert took a break from reviewing movies for The Chicago Sun-Times to write the X-rated soft-core porn cult classic. The first time I saw it, I was 16ish and my friends and I got drunk on Strawberry Hill, and while they were barfing in bathrooms around the house, I glued my eyes to the screen. I needed to barf too, but I held it down, because I was hypnotized by it. There's something about being 16 and drunk and watching two hos from the 1970s hump on a round bed. At the Oscars next year, they should give Roger Ebert a posthumous Oscar for co-writing this beautiful mess. I can't believe I forgot about it.
Tonight, I should drink the black sperm of somebody's vengeance as punishment for forgetting it. Well, I was going to drink some anyway, but tonight I'll do it for Roger Ebert.
And this is why I should mainline Death Wish coffee before I open up my laptop.
The chipmunk Slytherin spent all of her teen years working hard to put squirrel meat on the shopping cart grill, so she didn't get the whole "twerking in front of a video camera" thing out of her system the way most of us did before we turned 16. But since bitch doesn't have shit to do now, this is how she's spending her time. Last night, Miley Cyrus uploaded a 2 minute-long video of her shaking her ass in a unicorn onesie. Bitch looks more like a deranged boxing kangaroo with physical Tourettes. The most tragic part of all of this is that my caffeine-less brain spent the first few minutes of my morning trying to process all of this mess. I should really put a warning label on the front of my laptop that reads: "Do Not Operate Unless You Are Under the Influence of Caffeine Or a Mind-Altering Substance."
And here's Miley's maybe fiance Liam Hemsworth arriving back in L.A. last night. I keep refreshing the photo agency databases for pictures of Liam Hemsworth leaving L.A. this morning, because I'm sure as soon as he got home and saw this video of Miley trying to twerk, he turned right back around and got the fuck out of there.
We can no longer safely walk the streets at night while thinking that a crime-stopping Fat Batman is watching over all of us, because a Fat Batman is not watching over all of us. He doesn't exist! The world is without a Fat Batman.
Yesterday, a Fat Batman became a hero to us all when the police in West Yorkshire released footage from a security camera of him dragging a wanted criminal into the police station. The police released the stills, because they wanted to the thank the caped crusader for making Bradford a little safer. But the Fat Batman isn't a hero and he isn't even fat! 39-year-old Chinese takeaway delivery man Stan Worby pulled off the Batman mask and revealed that he's the dude behind Fat Batman and he's no crime stopper. Stan tells The Daily Telegraph that his friend of 15 years, 27-year-old Danny Frayne, needed a ride to the police station. Danny was wanted for fraud and for handling stolen goods, and so he wanted to turn himself in. Stan wore the Batman costume to a football match in London (because why not?) earlier in the night and thought it would be funny to wear it to the police station.
"Obviously it was done as a joke. He (Frayne) wanted to get straight down. Obviously I wanted my bed. It was half-one in the morning. At the end of the day it was a practical joke, just between me and Daniel."
Stan says that the worst part of all of this is that everyone is calling him Fat Batman when he's not even fat. Stan was wearing a track suit underneath his Batman costume, because it was cold outside. (Somewhere Kirstie Alley is memorizing the line, "I'm not fat, I'm just wearing a tracksuit under my clothes!")
Mr Worby protested that he only looked overweight in CCTV images of the incident because he was wearing a tracksuit under the outfit to keep out the cold.
Explaining the apparent paunch seen on the footage of the episode, he said: "I've got my full tracksuit underneath. I'm not just wearing this - it's too thin."
The lies! I don't know what hurts more: the fact that there isn't a Fat Batman or the fact that the glorious mound of chunk hanging over his crotch is really just a scrunched-up tracksuit.
Thousands Of One Direction Fans Are On Suicide Watch And It's All That Slut Tramp Taylor Swift's Fault!
It was just a few New Year's Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie's Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson's long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!
But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie's body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don't know what's more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven't had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don't even know why I asked. Here's just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.
Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER
I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.
taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff
but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire
If you replaced "Taylor" with "Kelly Taylor," "Harry" with "Dylan" and "Haylor" with "Dylly," that's pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.
But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.
Normally when I see bitches making out in public, my lonely, bitter ass side eyes the shit out of them and mumbles "get a room" into my cheap light beer. But somehow these pics of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi hugging each other up on the beach in St. Barts aren't bothering me. They're even kind of...romantic and cute? Ugh, slap me.
After the "I hate your ass" pictures of Kim and Kanye and the MEH shots of Jennifer and Justin over the past couple of days, it's nice to see a couple looking like they actually have a damn to give about each other. Not you, Chris and Riri, sit your asses down. Look at them, lovingly holding hands and playing in the surf like a couple of kids. And now I'm off to barf my guts up from the sickening sweet shit I just wrote. I think the holiday spirit has wrecked my brains.
Wait. Gossip Cop (quoting the National Enquirer so you know it's FACT) says that because of Ellen's career, the couple is being driven apart. So, this is an obvious attempt by them to trick us all into believing that their love is twuuuuue and they're not slap fighting as soon as the cameras of off. Ah, suspicion and contempt. That feels better.
We knew this day would finally come and it's finally here. Just in time for the end of the world. I've covered every inch of Lindsay Lohan and now I'm finally covering her bowel movements. Yes, I'm about to write about how LiLo is so full of shit that she's clogging up every toilet she squats over. In the game of gossip limbo, I've finally gotten so low that my droopy ass lips are dragging against the sand. Congratulations to us all.
This BREAKING TOILETS NEWS story was first reported by Wetpaint a day ago and then TMZ picked it up this morning. Most us know that LiLo creates some major shit bombs (see: Liz & Dick) and some source told Wetpaint that the plumbers on the set of Scary Movie 5 learned that the hard way. They say that LiLo not only trashed her trailer, but she suffocated the toilet with her freckled poops. Because the toilets in the other trailers were connected by the system, they clogged too. So Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen and the rest of the cast had to shit in coffee cans. But TMZ has cleared this up (I'm not proud of that pun).
Their source (aka LiLo) says that LiLo was framed! LiLo is telling friends that she believes the producers sabotaged her trailer before she got there, because they were upset that she missed her first day of work due to "walking pneumonia." When LiLo did show up for work, the shower and toilet in her trailer were both broken, so she had to use the toilet in other trailers. After LiLo's shoot was finished, the producers accused her of screwing up the plumbing system and wanted her to pay up. LiLo's people went back and forth before she finally exhaled and shat up the money. LiLo agreed to let the producers take thousands of dollars from her paycheck to pay for repairs.
Lindsay Lohan can't even take a simple dump without it turning into a huge dramatic mess involving lawyers. But whatever, I blame the toilet. It's the toilet's fault for being such a perfect place to get rid of coke when the producers and insurance men try to find your hidden stash by bringing drug-sniffing dogs into your trailer. Blame the toilet.