Hot Slut of the Week

Birthday: July 20, 1958
Age: 50
Birth Name: William D. Mays

Original Date of HS of the Day: September 3, 2008
Claim to Fame: Billy started selling shit right out of high school. He used to sell portable washing machines on the Atlantic City boardwalk. He quickly moved up the ranks and eventually became the main saleswhore for Orange Glo and Oxi Clean.

Where is he now? Probably tightening the rope on his nutsack. That's how he keeps his voice so constipated sounding.

Why is he HS of the Week? Billy is like a part of my family. I see him almost once a day. He screams at me like the angry uncle I never had.

Below is his infomercial for Mighty Putty. I am thisclose to buying this stupid shit. It might keep my asshole in check. I fucking love how Billy tells us it holds up to 350lbs but can pull an 80,000 lb tractor trailer. WTF?! Oh Billy! You don't make sense in the brains, but I believe you.

Birthday: April 4, 1978
Age: 30
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: August 30, 2008
Claim to Fame: Superstar real estate agent, star of Bravo's "Million Dollar Listing" and expert "bowl cut" wearer.

Where is he now? Probably staring at his hair in the mirror

Why is he HS of the Week? I was thisclose to making Chad's hair "Hot Slut" because it has a life of its own. But his hair doesn't come up with such amazing lines as "Who's Dorian Gray?"

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: August 20, 2008
Claim to Fame: Spaghetti Cat was originally featured on an episode of "Pet Star" on Animal Planet. But he became a national celebrity after "The Soup" showed a clip of him from "The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet." The show later explained that Spaghetti Cat was used as a "bleep photo" because one of the guests said the word "retarded."

Where is he now? He's at home, trying to find a way to drug his owner. "This is the way we wash our paw...wash our paw..."

Why is he HS of the Week? Because Spaghetti Cat gives me hope. Maybe one day I can sit at a table and eat spaghetti like a civilized pussy. And thanks to Spaghetti Cat, my faith in television has been restored.

Below is his clip from "The Soup." It seriously never gets old.

Birthday: October 30, 1989
Age: 18
Birth Name: Anastasia "Nastia" Valeryevna Liukin

Original Date of HS of the Day: August 15, 2008
Claim to Fame: Russian born gymnast. She's the daughter of two former Soviet champion gymnasts. Her daddy, Valeri Liukin, is an Olympic gold medalist and her coach.

Where is she now? Bitch is living it up in China! Nastia so far as a silver team medal, a gold all-around medal and last night she won a bronze medal for floor exercise. She competed in uneven bars today. I don't know if that shit has aired yet, so I'll keep the outcome to myself...for now.

Why is she HS of the Week? This was the hardest decision of my hour. It was between Nastia and Michael Phelps. Michael has had his salad tossed for a few months now, so I decided to give it Nasty Nastia. Mainly because they call her Nastia. I plan to name my first born after her. Well, I'm going to drop the "ia" and replace it with a "y."

P.S. - Does it sort of creep anyone else out when Nastia and her daddy kiss on the lips after she competes? Yes, I'm a prude when it comes to displays of affection with my family members. Well, except second cousins. I'm joking!

Birthday: March 14, 1960
Age: 48
Birth Name: Louise Anne Robey

Original Date of HS of the Day: August 9, 2008
Claim to Fame: Model turned pop star turned actress. She is best known for playing Micki in Friday the 13th: The Series. That shit was her last major role.

Where is she now? She lives in France and makes her living in music, writing songs and producing other bitches. Visit her MySpace to hear some of her music.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because of her amazing video for "One Night in Bangkok." I posted that shit yesterday, but it deserves an encore. I even had a dream about this avant-garde shit!

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 30, 2008
Claim to Fame: Jenni is an actress, voice over artist and rapper. She's best known for being Jeff Lewis' Executive Administrative Assistant on "Flipping Out." If she ever quits, I want her job.

Where is she now? She still works for Jeff and does voice over work every now and again. Does anybody know if she ever got back together with her husband? I asked Monkey, but he wouldn't tell me.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because she really knows how to hold a cup of coffee. Jenni also really gives it her all when she answers the phone with, "Good morning. It's a great day at Jeff Lewis' office - we appreciate you. This is Jenni." Shit, I don't even know the whole greeting, it's so fucking long.

BONUS! Here's Jenni, Jeff and Zoila from Friday's The Soup.

Birthday: November 3, 1962
Age: 45
Birth Name: Peter Robinson

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 25, 2008
Claim to Fame: Marilyn was part of the New Romantic movement of the early 1980s. He ran with Boy George and Spandau Ballet. When Boy George became an international superstar in the 80s, Marilyn had a moment with the single "Calling Your Name." His debut album bombed in the UK.

Where is he now? Marilyn was in the 2003 reality show "The Salon." He was also one of the characters in the Broadway musical "Taboo." Marilyn is still doing his thing today. Click here to see more pictures of his ass.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because Boy George may have had all the glory, but Marilyn had all the glamour! And because I have that same t-shirt he's wearing in the picture above. I wear it every Christmas to church.

Birthday: February 29, 1928
Age: 80
Birth Name: Annie Blanche Banks

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 13, 2008
Claim to Fame: American Burlesque and film star! Tempest started doing burlesque in the late 1940s. In the 1950s, she was dubbed "Girl with the Fabulous Front."

Where is she now? She still shakes her shit today, but keeps it classy. You won't see Tempest's elegant ass on a stripper pole.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Tempest proves that you should never retire the sexy. I'm also going to start campaigning for a feature film version of Tempest's life starring international supermodel and box office star, Phoebe Denise Price! Chicken Cutlets was born to play Tempest. Although, I don't think Tempest has cotty cheese thigh. I'm joking! Neither does Chicken Cutlets!

Birthday: ?
Age: Pepaw age
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 11, 2008
Claim to Fame: Father of Denise Richards and the breakout star of her reality crap show "Denise Richards: It's Complicated." He also used to work for the telephone company, so he gets extra points for that. Why does he get extra points? I don't know why, he just does.

Where is he now? Probably taking a nap. Pepaws are always taking naps.

Why is he HS of the Week? Irv is the only reason to watch Denise's show. He sort of reminds me of Mister. Rogers. Every time Denise tells him something that might shock him, his response is usually, "Oh boy" or "Oh gosh!" I'm waiting for him to say, "Cheese and crackers!"

Below is a clip of Irv getting waxed, spray-tanned and groomed for an event. The shit he goes through for his hooker daughter.

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Mia Michaels

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 5, 2008
Claim to Fame: Mia is a dance choreographer from Florida. She's worked with Vadge, Celine Dion, Prince, the Cirque du Soleil sluts and many other whores.

Where is she now? Mia is currently a guest judge and choreographer on "So You Think You Can Dance?"

Why is she HS of the Week? Because bitch reminds me of my high school drama teacher. She's pure emotion. Mia also claims to be strictly dickly....for now.

In this interview with Curve Magazine, she said, "I've always been with men. But I am also a very free spirit and I believe that who we fall for is more about the human spirit and not sexuality. I've been with men because that's who I have connected to at this point in my life. But who's to say? I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or who I'm going to meet. That's just how I look at it." Basically, she's a straight gayelle aka a HoHan.

AND! Mia's daddy was the original Marlboro Man!