Hot Slut of the Week

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Quween on the Scene, obviously.

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 8, 2009
Claim to Fame: TMZ first started picking up on Quween immediately when she started busting the paps for effing with famehos. Quween became the ruler of the streets and a savior to all celebwhores! I got buttery for Quween when she started a war with Chicken Cutlets. Thankfully, they called a truce, so I don't have to pick a side.

Where is she now? Protecting the streets of Beverly Hills from the posarassi!

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Quween has embraced the title! Kat Tales TV asked the Quween how she felt about being named a Hot Slut of the Day and this is what she had to say. It's a little intimate, so you might need a ciggie and a hot wash cloth afterwards.

Birthday: 1963ish
Age: 46ish
Birth Name: Danielle Staub, Beverly Merrill, Danielle Merrill, Steven Tyler, who knows?

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 3, 2009
Claim to Fame: The breakout star (sorry to Teresa's creeping hairline) of The Real Mobwives and Ex-Cokewhores of New Jersey.

Where is she now? Probably giving her daily blowjob to her 26-year-old boyfriend who has the head of a 50-year-old. Now that's some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S shit.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because everyone (men, women, children, animals) can relate to Danielle. We've all been accused of being coke whores at one time or another. Also, Danielle continues to be an elegant woman of mystery. Think of all the things that her exquisite eyebrows have seen and experienced. The secrets they hold!

Birthday: We'll know when, because all of the possums and beavers in the world will gather together to celebrate.
Age: ?
Birth Name: Fluffy or Spot

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 24, 2009
Claim to Fame: I don't even remember Kate Gosselin before her signature roadkill coif. It's like she was born again when that mammal laid on her head. It gave her a second life!

Where is it now? Chilling on Kate's head and nibbling on a snack mix made of Jon's pubic hair, Aunt Jodi's chewed off toe nails and leftover placenta.

Why is it HS of the Week? Because it is changing the world of fugly!

My stupid ass was too busy bonging and donging last week, so I totally forgot to name Hot Slut of the Week. That's why there will be two Hot Slut of the Week posts in a row. Yes, I know I smell. Better late than never!

Birthday: ?
Age: Ageless.
Birth Name: Manny, Moe & Jack or Wendy, Chyna & Carnie

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 21, 2009
Claim to Fame: The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt phenomenen started thanks to a student named Brian Govern. One day, he decided to leave a satirical comment on Amazon about how the t-shirt attracted women. A legend was born! Today, the t-shirt has over 900 comments. 50% of which are made of pure comedy.

Where is it now? Why it's right here. Where it will always be until the end of time.

Why is it HS of the Week? Because when I stare at it, I can hear the wolves howling "Maaaaake ussssssss hooooooottt sluuuuuuuutttttttts."

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Masanobu Sato

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 16, 2009
Claim to Fame: Masanobu is the biggest jerk-off the world has ever seen and he'll take that as a compliment. At this year's Masturbate-A-Thon in San Francisco, Masanobu beat (punned on purpose) his old record and jacked it for 9 hours and 58 minutes. Masanobu owes all his success to the Tenga which is like a rubber pussy egg.

Where is he now? Masanobu says he's going to pass on competing in the world jack-off contest in Copenhagen, because his peen is about to file a restraining order against him. But he hopes that one day he can choke the skin noodle for at least 10 hours. Oh, lord. Put an IV in his dick!

Why is he HS of the Week? Because Masanobu has turned masturbation into a serious business. Masanobu is just another example as to why Japan is like the greatest country EVER!

And (NSFW) click here to see a picture of Masanobu chillin' out with another dude while they both have tennis ball tubes over their wangs.

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Please tell me it's Felix Cane!

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Felix started poppin' her pussay on the pole in 2006 and quickly became one the greatest in dah woooorld. She has won Miss Pole Dance Australia and Miss Pole Dance World.

Where is she now? Felix's pole skills can be seen nightly at Cirque de Soleil's Zumanity show in Las Vegas. The last time I was in Vegas, I was going to go see that show, but some dumb whores kept telling me it fucking sucks! But next time I'm in Vegas, I will definitely be there to witness Felix's pole work.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because if I wasn't a lazy ho who would rather suck pole than dance on it, this is the shit I'd be doing for exercise. Felix almost inspires me. Almost. Below is another clip of Felix making the angels swoon with her skills.

Birthday: April 19, 1969
Age: 40
Birth Name: Jesse Gregory James

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 27, 2009
Claim to Fame: Jesse is the owner of West Coast Choppers, which I guess is like hot shit in the motorcycle world. This led to Jesse getting his own show on the Discovery Channel called Monster Garage. Jesse also has his own clothing line, burger joint and a magazine. He's also married to that broad from Speed.

Where is he now? Jesse is on The Celebrity Apprentice and that's where my heart grew fonder for him. Jesse acts and dresses like he just got out of prison! He has those shifty eyes and you don't know where he's going to shank you, rape you or hug you.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because of the description above. And because he won a pie-eating contest! A pie-eating contest. That's reason enough. Clip below:

Image source: Flickr

Birthday: September 19, 1942
Age: 66
Birth Name: Fred Charcelia Payne (she should've gone by Charcelia)

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 23, 2009
Claim to Fame: Freda is most known for singing that "Band of Gold" song. The song that is probably in every single romantic comedy. In addition to her music career, Freda has acted in movies and on Broadway. Freda even had her own talk show in 1981 called "Today's Black Women." She was Oprah before Oprah!

Where is she now? At the bar. Call. She'll be there.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because I never knew Freda was one of us (a drunk) until I saw her tear it up on American Idol last week. I'd do a pussy shot with her anytime, anywhere.

Birthday: 1961
Age: 47ish
Birth Name: Susan Boyle

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 13, 2009
Claim to Fame: Susan Boyle made thousands of black hearts beat for the first in a while when she took her teddy bear ass on Britain's Got Talent last weekend. I swear, mean ass whores who only use the words "cunt and bitch" e-mailed saying how they have fallen for a big lump of sweet honey named Susan. They are hypnotized by her voice and bewitching eyebrows!

Where is she now? Probably being given the key to the world by Jesus himself.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because if I didn't crown her Hot Slut of the Week, some bitch will cast a black spell on me and I'd wake up with overgrown pube bushes over my eyes. The horror! Plus, Susan is really kind of hard to hate on. I've tried! In case you missed it, here's her singing "My Eyebrows Will Go On" on Larry King last week:

Birthday: 1989ish
Age: 20
Birth Name: Ross Somethingoranother

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Ross is the self-appointed #1 male Barbie in Scotland. Ross believes that you can never be too orange (that might be Xtina's personal motto), you can never wear enough fake gold jewelry and your coochie cutters can never be too short. Because of this, the BBC came to visit Ross in Aberdeen for an episode of Snog, Marry, Avoid. I think it airs soon.

Where is he now? Ross is either doing himself with a bronzer stick or he's at the free clinic being treated for foundation poisoning. It's also possible that Ross is working the day shift as the main Oompa Loompa fluffer.

Why is he HS of the Week? Basically, because of the trailer below and because of his Bebo page. Seriously, check out his amazing page. How many wonders does one cavern hold?