Hot Slut of the Week

Birthday: September 6, 1990
Age: 19
Birth Name: John Wall

Original Date of HS of the Day: January 2, 2009
Claim to Fame: John Wall throws balls and dodges ass for the University of Kentucky's basketball team. But for me, John Wall didn't pass my eyes until I watched this viral video of him turning follicle jumping into an art form.

Where is he now? Hopefully negotiating an endorsement deal with Pantene, because nobody respects hair as much as John Wall does.
Why is he HS of the Week? Well, because when I made him Hot Slut of the Day, some hos wrote me shit like, "I didn't know you were a basketball fan" and "Who knew you loved sports?" It seriously made me feel so butch. I even drank a Heineken out of the bottle that night instead of pouring it in a plastic champagne glass like I usually do! And in case you missed John's jumping over a wall of cheerleaders, here you go:

Birthday: A few weeks old
Age: Ripe
Birth Name: Somethingoranother Dole

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 26, 2009
Claim to Fame: It's the face of Jesus on a banana. Do not question.

Where is he now? Probably trying to turn milk and Cheerios into a 40 and a few blunts.
Why is he HS of the Week? Good question. It might have something to do with the empty bowl staring at me.

Birthday: 1988ish
Age: 21
Birth Name: Nicole Polizzi

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 18, 2009
Claim to Fame: Snickerdoodles (or Snackwells as my mom calls her) stumbled onto MTV's Jersey Shore from the Willy Wonka Factory to charm all of us with her delectable backfat and hypnotizing skankrobatics. Snooki had me at the first Jager shot.

Where is she now? Snooki is on the road to becoming the most famous munchkin on the stroll! I mean, Snooki's rental fee is $2,000 + transportation (aka 1 ticket on the Chinatown bus and a McDonald's coupon book). I should sell a few of my organs, so that I can get her to host the Dlisted Meat & Booze Party at the parking lot of the In 'N Out in La Habra, CA.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because 64% of you voted her through. Democracy is working!

I really can't choose a Hot Slut of the Week this week. It's impossible. It's like that last scene in The Good Son where the mom has to choose between the evil Macaulay Culkin or the angel Elijah Wood. What a hard decision. I mean, Elijah is made out of sugary rainbows and everything, but Macaulay's character made things interesting. And if Macaulay's character lived, there would be a sequel, which meant that the mom would get another paycheck. Decisions, decisions.

This is like that, so I'm asking you hos to choose, because you always know what's best after two shots of Andre. Here's your choices:

Tami Roman: MTV's First Lady of Crazy and the poet who came up with "It wasn't not funny!"
Bülent Ersoy: Turkey's official tranny beauty!
RAED (pronounced: RAID): The tone-deaf rap legend from Melbourne!
Maxx Factor: Avon ladies with voices!
Patrick McDonald: Reality star and eyebrow aficionado!
Snooki from Jersey Shore: Needs no introduction!
Angelina Marcantognini: Canada's worst driver!

This is a one-night thing, so the winning slut will be announced tomorrow. Voting is in the sidebar to the right ------->

Birthday: 1922ish
Age: 87
Birth Name: Suzanne Somethingoranother

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 6, 2009
Claim to Fame: Suzanne is an actress, child tamer (more on that below), public speaker, socialite and the senior of all seniors. Suzanne was a well-known stage actress in Philadelphia before she married her now husband. Suzanne's husband is the founder of Comcast, so dude gave his lady her own talk show where she talks about oldies and all their problems.

Where is she now? Either annoying someone by spending hours unwrapping a piece of candy or taking a nap. That's how most memaws spend 90% of their day.

Why is she HS of the Week? It was between Suzanne and another Hot Slut, but then I read this in her bio and it sealed the deal.

A true pioneer, Suzanne has also received international recognition for her work with emotionally disturbed children. When, as a mother of five, she and her family spent a summer at a Navajo Reservation, she discovered special methods of communicating with hostile and withdrawn hospital patients.

You know she's slipping those people a little peyote. Suzanne has the touch.

Birthday: ?
Age: Unicorns never age
Birth Name: Harald Glööckler

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 2, 2009
Claim to Fame: One summer night in Germany, a star fell from the star and out pranced Harald looking just like he does now. The faeries gathered around him, ejaculated over his eyes and then carried him to Berlin where he became the toast of the fashion world. Okay, he actually became the toast of HSN, which is better if you ask me. Harald currently sells fancy rayon ensembles to the masses on HSN!

Where is he now? Most likely covering his skin with a paste made from melted down mannequins. It's one of his daily rituals.
Why is he HS of the Week? THE BROWS! THE JEWELS! THE BEAUTY! THE BULGE (it's rhinestones and Skittles)! THE EVERYTHING!

Below are some pictures of Harald at a party last week with Nastassja Kinski and Bonnie Tyler. True story: Harald's glamorous eye staches were the inspiration for "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Birthdays: March 13, 1982 & December 5, 1979
Ages: 27 (Ohad) & 29 (Ryan & Dan)
Birth Names: Ohad Einbinder, Ryan and Dan Kowarsky

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 23, 2009
Claim to Fame: b4-4 was a Canadian boy band that went double aluminum foil with their hits "Get Down" and "Go Go." They also used that aluminum foil to frost their tips.

b4-4 was only together for a quick second, because all beautiful things must come to an end. And because the guidos of 1995 wanted their look back and threatened to sue.

Where are they now? Ohad moved to Los Angeles from Canada to pursue a modeling career. This means you can find him working the early shift at Koo Koo Roo in West Hollywood or doing drag at Arena on Sundays. As for Ryan & Dan, they moved to London, shaved the bleached hedgehog off their heads and formed a new musical duo creatively called RyanDan. They now make the musical equivalent of Clay Gayken's post-sex queefs. That's a compliment. Click here to listen for yourself.

Why are they HS of the Week? Because of THIS:

Birthday: March 15, 1933
Age: 76
Birth Name: Miguel de Mairena

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 22, 2009
Claim to Fame: Carmen is Spain's official tranny legend. Carmen is a TV star, a chanteuse and has also been known to get down in porn movies.

Where is she now? Carmen is either wrestling tarantulas in her backyard to glue onto her eyelids or she's injecting garden slugs into her lips.
Why is she HS of the Week? Because all of us secretly wish we will be plastic-faced tranny porn stars when we're 76 years-old. It's the truth.

Birthday: 1974ish
Age: 34 (in real-life human years)
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Patty is the Kim Zolciak of the Style Network's Real Housewives' knock-off Dallas Divas & Daughters. Patty is an unemployed single natural beauty, but is always driving fancy cars and wearing expensive clothes. And just like Kim Zolciak, Patty's hair was rescued from an animal shelter.

Where is she now? Patty is most likely at her local church where regular people come to pray to her celestial eyebrows on a daily basis. If you take a few shots of tequila and squint, you can see Jesus' palms in her brows.

Why is she HS of the Week? Um. EYEBROWS. And because Patty is so misunderstood. On this past episode, Patty showed up to a party dressed like Dianne Wiest in Bullets Over Broadway (more like Bullets Over Compton). But those dumb bitches in Dallas couldn't wrap their simple heads around Patty's glamour:

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Dolores

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 5, 2009
Claim to Fame: Dolores was just a regular ole' bear at the Leipzig Zoo in Germany. And then for some reason, Dolores and the other chick bears (named Lolita and Bianca) lost all of their fur. While experts try to figure out why the bears have suddenly become Jude Law's hairline, Dolores and her friends are walking around nekkid.

Where is she now? Um. Walking around nekkid.
Why is she HS of the Week? Um. Because she walks around nekkid. And because she's a bear named Dolores. Who names a bear Dolores?! While her friends have sexy names like Lolita and Bianca, she has the name Dolores! That's kind of hot.

Below is footage of Dolores....walking around nekkid. Someone should really put black bars over her frozen fuck parts. Privacy please!