Hot Slut of the Month

2009's final Hot Slut of the Month has been crowned with a tiara made out of pickles and sashed with a Valtrex-covered ribbon! Jersey Shore's Snookipuss flipped away with 59% of your votes and not even Banana Jesus (who's probably Milkshake Jesus by now) could stop her. Snooki will now sword fight the other Hot Sluts of the Month for the coveted title of Hot Slut of 2009! Yes, I know that title is as coveted as a paper cut on your asshole, but let's play pretend this one time. It's fun.

The Hot Slut of the Year competition will start on Monday. I figured we should give our beauty queens the weekend to prepare by sitting in a sauna until they turn into a towel.

And since we're on the topic of Jersey Shore, here's what you get when you mix an MTV Internet, Photoshop, too much time and a bag of coke residue found at the bottom of a desk drawer. MTV transformed the Jersey Shore guidos and guidettes into today's teen stars. It's like the Garbage Pail Kids as seen through the eyes of a Vh1 executive.

They are: Justin Bieber as The Situation, Nick Jonas as Pauly D, Lady CaCa as JWoww, RPattz as Ronnie and Taylor Swift as Snooki.

Dolores and her bare prune ass are unstoppable! Dolores the ass nekkid bear from Germany beat out a Spanish tranny, a Texas chola and three wannabe Guidos for the title of November's Hot Slut of the Month.

Dolores better dip her asshy asshole in Skin-So-Soft, because she will have to be at the top of her game to compete for the grand prize in January. Okay, no she doesn't. We're not particular around here, so her ashy asshole is always welcome. And I'm going to stop here before I type "ashy asshole" a fourth time.

To all who voted, Dolores' ashy asshole thank you! I lose.

There's only two spots left in the grand finals for what is the most important election in the history of the world. Okay, the most important election in the history of the Internet? Okay, okay, the most important election on this website? OKAY! It's not important at all, but we have to pretend it is so Dolores' hair can grow back. But do we want Dolores' hair to grow back? Too many questions!

Here's your choices for November's Hot Slut of the Month:

Dolores the Bear: The most famous nudist bear at Germany's Leipzig Zoo
Patty from Dallas Divas & Daughters: The first chola of Dallas
Carmen de Mairena: Spain's official transsexual legend
b4-4: 90s Canadian boy band and the country's biggest importer of puka shells and mangel

Cast your vote in the sidebar to the right. The winning slut of November's Hot Slut cockass will be announced on Friday.

Please take a quick second from sneaking vodka and computer clean shots underneath your desk (in celebration of the theme of the day) to vote for October's Hot Slut of the Month. Make sure to take a few extra shots before voting, because you're going to need a clear head.

And it's voting day for some of us, so your finger should already be used to it. Your choices this month are:

Tenobaila: The premiere ass shaker of YouTube and your mom's greatest hero
Frankie Lons: Former (?) crackhead jailbird turned reality show superstar
Derek J: Swish samurai and expert high-heel strutter
Abuelita Hot Chocolate: Don't even ask or you'll get slapped in your teefs
Deidra Daley Everett: BBW internet supermodel

Voting is in the sidebar to the right as usual. The winning slut will be revealed in a lavish ceremony (not really) on Thursday. Happy Votin' & Boozin' Day!

The power of the ginge cannot be stopped! Grace Coddington is Dlisted's Miss September and will go on to the Miss Hot Slut of the Year competition in January. Grace will battle it out against Vogue Evolution, Maru, Quween on the Scene, Kate Gosselin's Possum Hair, Susan Boyle, Uggs, Claire Cannucciari, and STAINS!

Participation in the talent competition is mandatory, so Grace better work on her shank eye and elegant scowl.

Thanks to all hos who voted!

Please take a moment from sending in these sessy pictures of Mah Boo giving us an "I CAN TAKE IT" face while making his biceps more bicep-ier to vote for September's Hot Slut of the Month!

This time, we have an international group of lovely hot sluts for you to pick from. Your choices are:

Miyuki Hatoyama: The First Lady of Japan, Tommy Girl's soulmate (in a past life), UFO passenger and a permanent resident of Crazytown.

Grace Coddington: Creative Director of Vogue and the hottest thorn in Anna Wintour's side.

Tania Mcintosh: The UK's premiere serial celebwhore hugger!

Brynne Gordon: The pride of Australia (and California).

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. The winning slut will be announced Thursday. Happeh voting!

The people have spoken and voted Vogue Evolution as the hottest and sluttiest sluts of August! VE snatched up 41% of the votes. This couldn't have come at a better time, because (SPOILER ALERT) their asses were eliminated from America's Best Dance Crew this week. The producers were probably sick of the janitors always bitching about having to clean up Vogue Evolution's glitter off the dancefloor, so they got rid of them. Sadness. But Vogue Evolution is heading straight for the stars, so they don't need that shit. And at least they won't have to see Lil' Mama's crypt-keeper face anymore.

Below is Vogue Evolution's "Halle Berry" dance from this week's episode. You know Lil' Mama's dick probably jumped several times during their performance.

Thanks to all who voted!

Please take time out from perfecting your recipe for an O-Positive-tini for the True Blood finale this weekend to vote for August's Hot Slut of the Month. Now, there's no cat or dog (that we know of 100%) to choose from, so it's anybody's game. Your choices are:

Lesley Anne-Down - Glamorous soap opera star who bathes in diamonds and pearls!
Sandra Rinomato - Real estate mogul, HGTV star and expert side-eye giver!
Johanna Tukiainen - The pride of Finland!
Vogue Evolution - The glittery gays (and tranny) of MTV's America's Best Dance Crew!
Tameka "Tiny" Cottle - The Travelocity gnome version of Mariah Carey and creator of her own language!

The winning slut will be announced Friday. Voting is in the sidebar to your right. Put a condom on your fingers and vote away!

Well, the others didn't stand a chance. I thought Sandra Lee would booze her way to victory, but Maru stuffed all those sluts in a box and took the crown (made out of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies) with 66% of the votes!

Maru will now face off with STAINS, Clara Cannacciari, Uggs, Susan Boyle, Kate Gosselin's possum hair, Quween on the Scene and 5 others for the title of all titles: Hot Slut of the 2009! Yeah, we have 4 animals (including Kate's possum friend) in the finals. Just call this shit FurListed. Thanks to all who voted!

It's that time of the month! No, not THAT time of the month. Although, voting for this shit is kind of like getting your menstrual cycle. Don't make me list the similarities. Anyway, please take a moment from devouring your free lava cake AND TACOS to cast your vote for Miss Hot Slut of July! This time around, we have a former drunk, someone who always has drunk face, a current drunk and a pussy who acts drunk. Here are your finalists:

Jane Velez-Mitchell - Gayelle news anchor and lady mullet fan
Miko Brando - Son of Marlon, MJ's former bodyguard/bff and Hawaiian shirt fetishist
Sandra Lee - Grocery store shopper, cocktail guzzler and tablescape artist
Maru - Internet star, box lover and catrobat

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. The winning slut will be crowned on Thursday!