Hot Slut of the Day

The croc-fighting ginger and white pussy who will show any trick that she rules the streets Or in this case, that she rules the crocodile exhibit at a zoo in Jaipur, India.

Manu Chaudhary and her husband were watching the crocs at a zoo in Jaipur when she noticed that a regular old pussy had gotten into the enclosure and was hanging out by the water. The cat was just sitting there, staring at her badass reflection in the water and thinking about boxing a small fish or whatever. As she sat there, the Jaws theme song played in her ears, and out of the water came a crocodile with a nose like Tommy Lee's dick. If you were that cat, your slut ass probably would've sat on that croc's nose (yes, I typed that while looking into a mirror), but she didn't.

Manu Chaudhary told The Daily Mail that when the crocodile came at the cat, they all thought they were about to watch a bitch get checked. They did watch a bitch get checked, but in a surprise twist (!!!!), it was the pussy who checked the croc. That cat slapped a ho down. This is exactly what it looks like when the little Jenner girls come home without any money for Pimp Mama Kris.

I know it's not like that croc would've done anything since he's a Gharial and only eats tiny, little fish, but that pussy still showed him who the real bitch queen is.

(For Angela and Ken)

The Dizzy Doodler!

Writing about every first grader's drug of choice, Mr. Sketch's Scented Markers, the other day made me think about all the school supplies I obsessed over so I didn't have to obsess about actual school work and my brain burped up the Dizzy Doodler! The Dizzy Doodler was exactly what it looks like. It was a vibrating pen that made squiggles. That's it. Every time you used it, you felt like a strung out junkie with the shakes trying to sign his name on the methadone clinic sign-in sheet. It was the best. And while doing research for this highly important post, I came across something at Go Ask Alice that gave me a new appreciation for the Dizzy Doodler:

Alice,

Is there anything wrong with using a squiggle pen instead of a vibrator? I have been doing this for about four years now and it has done wonders! Am I weird?

Dear Reader,

No, you're not weird — if it's done wonders for you, you're lucky. Assuming that your squiggle pen is one of those battery-operated devices that writes wildly, as long as you're not making to-do lists on your nipples, clitoris, or penis, your substitute vibrator is probably okay. If one is going to put something in any body opening, the golden rules are: sharp, breakable, and hard-to-hold-on-to objects can be problematic, washing the gadget with warm water and soap after every use is generally a good idea, and pain is a good indicator to slow down, pull out, and/or go back to the drawing board.

If you stick it in your ass, you can put the doody in the Dizzy Dooler. And since when is it wrong to make to-do lists on your nipples?!

THIS police report Michigan's Trenton Police Department!


I am so happy that two Mondays ago, Florida took the day off and let Michigan bring the full-fledged foolery for a change. Everything about this police report is perfect from the romance by the horse area to the 67-year-old dildo sucker admitting that he's addicted (emphasis on dic) to dildos. Dude should be on Strange Addiction and the officer who wrote this police reporter should win a Pulitzer.

Narrative: On Monday, February, 11, 2013, at approximately 10:55am, I, Sgt. Allen was dispatched to Elizabeth Park by the horse area on a subject in a silver car sucking on a dildo. The witness was in a blue car in the area.

Upon my arrival to the area, the witness, [name blacked out], flagged me down and pointed to the silver 4dr car turning from the parking area on to Elizabeth heading toward the exit. [name blacked out] said the driver drove by [blacked out] and was sucking on a dildo, it appeared to be upsetting to [name blacked out] and wanted the vehicle stopped and investigated.

I stopped the vehicle by the exit to the park. The vehicle was bearing [blacked out]/MI tag of [blacked out] with - vin of [blacked out], on a 2010 Ford Fusion, registered to [name blacked out], with OPS - [name blacked out], resides on [address blacked out].

Upon my approach to the driver's door, the driver was the only occupant and not wearing a seat belt. I also saw, a flesh colored dildo lying on the passenger seat. I questioned [name blacked out] on what he was doing and [name blacked out] said, "SUCKING ON A DILDO, I'M SORRY." [name blacked out] admitted to having a problem with sex toys.

I arrested Mr. [name blacked out] for Disorderly Conduct in a public park. Ptl. Durbin transported [name blacked out] to the Trenton jail and processed him into booking. [name blacked out]'s car was towed by Lyons. [name blacked out] was issued a ticket #T612324 for Disorderly Conduct and no seat belt.

And I'm sorry, but you should never be sorry about sucking on a dildo. More importantly, how is giving a beej to a dildo in your car on a Monday morning a crime?! Doesn't "free" in land of the "free" also include sucking a plastic peen in your car on a Monday morning?

Source: TSG via Buzzfeed

Mr. Sketch Scented Markers, the gateway drug for every grade schooler!

If you show me a box of used up Mr. Sketch Scented Markers, I'll show you a 6-year-old who sniffed them all up and is now trolling the aisles of Blick art supplies store for their next fix. Mr. Sketch Scented Markers weren't banned at my school, but they were banned at some schools, because those things turned your average kid into a raging, slobbering markerhead. They'd sniff 'em all up and then they'd trade their lunch for another one.

One minute your first grader is sniffing the grape scent out of a purple marker and then next minute they're moving on up to the "crack of markers" Sharpie! They really should have a rehab program for Mr. Sketch Scented Marker addicts, because I'm sure many parents have walked into the bathroom and found their kid on the floor with green marker stains on their nostrils and blue marker stains on their tongue (because once you sniffed it, you had to lick it).

The Mr. Sketch Scented Marker addiction is a real addiction.

And Mr. Sketch even sounds like a drug dealer name.

Chuck and Wynona from The Amazing Race, season 500 (give or take a few seasons)!

Technically, this should be a Hot Slut (singular) of the Day since Chuck is clearly the hottest one. But Wynona chose to marry Chuck, so that automatically makes her equally as hot, because she has extremely hot tastes. The Amazing Race started again last night for the millionth time and they didn't really show much of Chuck and Wynona, but they're clearly the stars of the show. Chuck is the co-manager of a Walmart and taxidermy is his passion. Wynona thinks she's a lot like Lynette from Desperate Housewives and she also styles hair.

They obviously both know hair majorly. Chuck looks like a Cocker Spaniel with a tight curly perm and  he's like a real life Kenny Powers. Wynona looks like a more beautiful Suzanne Somers with way more gorgeous hair.

Thank the Gods of Beauty that these two have children, because their gorgeousness needs to be passed down to a younger generation.

The Dildomaker from designer Francesco Morackini!

Have you ever sexed herself raw with a cucumber and thought to yourself that it would've been soooooo much better if the cucumber was circumcised and had a head? Well, Francesco Morackini heard your genitals' screams and thought of a machine that will turn almost anything into a fuck-ready dildo! That candle sitting on your coffee table? You can fuck it! That weird Sir Charles the Dog wine bottle holder from the Bombay Company your auntie got you for Christmas? You can fuck it! That branch on the tree in front of your house? You can fuck it! You can fuck it all! The world is your dildo.

Francesco says on his website (via HuffPo) that he was inspired by the original hand-cranked Loewy pencil sharpener, which totally makes sense, because who hasn't looked at an old timey pencil sharpener and thought that it would be so much better if it circumcised that long stick of wood instead of sharpening it.

Sadly, the Dildomaker is only a concept and so for now, you'll have to settle for doing yourself with a regular old, uncut carrot. (Or if you're thinking that the Dildomaker would also make the perfect at-home circumcision machine, then you'll have to settle for circumcising you or your loved one with a regular old Ginsu knife for now.) If the Dildomaker ever makes it to stores everywhere, Francesco will have to change the name. Since Pimp Mama Kris has given birth to a bunch of dildos, I'm pretty sure her vagina already owns the rights to that name.

Pepsi A.M., the morning time sodie pop that was way ahead of its time!

About a week ago, Mountain Dew announced that this country really isn't classy enough, so they're going to class up breakfast by putting out a morning drink called Kickstart for the Mama Junes, Brit Brits and frat dudes of the nation. Kickstart is basically Mountain Dew with a little bit of fruit juice in it. Now you don't have to spend several minutes of your morning making your regular breakfast brew of Mountain Dew, two spoonfuls of powdered Tang and two crushed down Vivarin pills. Starbucks' sales will hit the bottom of the barrel, because Brit Brit and Honey Boo Boo are going to bathe, freebase and brush their teeth with this shit and that's saying a lot since I don't think they brush their teeth or bathe right now.

But way before Mountain Dew put douche juice on your breakfast tables, Pepsi tried it with Pepsi A.M. Pepsi A.M. was just like regular Pepsi, but it had 28 per cent more caffeine in it. So it was all sugar and all caffeine. Drinking one can a day in the morning would give you diabetes AND a meth addiction. America just wasn't ready for that, though, because it was released in 1989 and Pepsi stopped making it in 1990. It was a morning soda vanguard and I'm sure you can still experience Pepsi A.M. today by freebasing Pepsi with a little bit of speed in it.

Rogue, the 1-year-old Australian Cattle Dog who is a master at driving a Fisher-Price Power Wheels car. They see me rollin, etc...

These videos of Rogue's skills at work are over a month old, but it's never too late to pay tribute to a bad bitch who can handle a car better than a Lohan can (although, I'm pretty sure my ass lips can handle a car better than a Lohan can). Flame balls are falling from the sky and dogs everywhere are driving cars. IT'S THE END! But before it's really the end, can Rogue teach my chihuahua how to chauffeur a  Fisher-Price Power Wheels car, because I could use another designated driver.

via Arbroath

Lisa Dutton, the morning news co-anchor on Global Saskatoon and my new favorite news anchor on Global Saskatoon!

Lisa Dutton of Pick-A-Dick fame was giving the morning viewers a teething tip when she ended up giving them a different kind of tip instead. So if you still haven't gotten your piece a Valentine's Day gift (or if you're forever alone and still haven't gotten yourself a Valentine's Day gift), then go into your bathroom drawer, pull out your Sonicare, turn it around and there you go: instant vibrator! Just stick that big, fat rubber end in and let it hit the spot. Lisa's "How To Turn Everyday Household Items Into A Fuck Toy" segment totally needs to be a regular segment on Global Saskatooooon.

And the money shot in this clip is Kevin Stanfield making a "Howdy Doody jizzing in his undies" face. Happy VD, everyone!

A Little Bottle Of Poland Spring!

The little, tiny bottle of Poland Spring never gets any love. Whenever it's given out for free at conventions, orgies, on airplanes or whatever, people usually roll their eyes at it and say, "Ugh, that's barely any water. Give me two!" But the midget member of the Poland Spring family finally got its well-deserved time under the spotlight during Senator Marco Rubio's Republican response to the president's State of the Union aria last night.

The new Watergate was born when in the middle of his speech, Marco Rubio grabbed the Tommy Girl of water bottles and drank from it like he's never drank before. Some were guessing that Marco had the thirsts in a serious way, because maybe he snorted some bad coke before his speech, but it wasn't that. Marco just couldn't go another minute without putting his mouth around that beautiful, alluring and seductive bottle of love. Marco went low and his arm traveled a thousand acres to get to that tiny water bottle (seriously, was that tiny bottle of water on a doll's table in the next room?). Marco had to have it like it was filled with the liquefied kisses of his lovah.

And he doesn't even take his eyes off the camera while drinking from it, which tells you that during oral, he will never unlock his gaze from yours (do with that what you will).

Try to watch this without hearing this song in your head. Marco and his beloved tiny bottle of Poland Spring are my new favorite political it couple.